Couples Therapy Season 2 Is Going To Be Off The HOOK

One of the standouts on the resplendent garbage barge that is VH1 Reality is Couples Therapy, which premiered this spring and chronicles the monumentally embarrassing attempts of Y-list celebrities (Note: Z-listers are viral video celebs) to save their relationships through rehab. The highlights of Season 1 were plentiful: Linda Hogan blew up at Charlie Hill for platonically communicating with a girl on Facebook; DMX violated policy and drank a cocktail (sorry, "pomegranate juice") in a staff member's face; Kasey Kahl wept like he was screen testing for an all-male remake of Steel Magnolias.  Did I mention that Jersey Shore castoff Angelina Pivarnick was a cast member, engaging in the perpetual ball-slam of her boyfriend Chris Nirschel (of The Next Food Network St-YAWN sorry, I can't even finish) because she is, like, totes famous and he is sooo completely not? If this show gets snubbed by the Emmys next year, I will be inconsolable.

The Season 1 finale aired in May; now our blogoverse is in a tizzy over who has been (emphasis on "has-been") confirmed for Season 2.  Here are my favorite picks:

Alex McCord and Simon Van Kempen of The Real Housewives of New York City

Awweeeeessssooome. Hypersensitive Alex and her hatchet-faced drama whore of a spouse seemed to have a legit, albeit creepy, bond during the four seasons they appeared on RH.  Since they were booted off Bravo, news has broken of the Grim Reaper pointing sternly at their marriage. The former (and upcoming - it's the circle of life) reality stars are now making a dash for "intense counseling" on VH1 in an attempt to turn things around. I'm pulling for Alex; she's obviously a pillar of strength for not dialing a divorce lawyer in a frenzy immediately after Simon appeared before her in this outfit:

Mary Shelley's Saturday Night Fever.

Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stodden

Ten years ago, I really respected Doug Hutchison as a character actor. Wetting his pants in The Green Mile, murdering the sh*t out of people on The X-Files. Those days are dead. Now he wears skullcaps and "Fonz Noir" jackets and sits around whining to Dr. Drew about the lameness of "our Western culture" for disapproving of his marriage to seventeen-year-old Stodden (he's fifty-two), which only exists because he and his surgically enhanced gutter clown of a wife figured he'd go to prison otherwise.

This is a soapbox-free zone - if a sixteen-year-old wants to run to Nevada (one of the thirty-nine states in which a person that young can legally marry) and exchange vows with a man who was middle-aged when she was emerging from the womb, fine. But I can't help but feel a sense of disingenuousness when I watch this Nightline segment.  Allow it to hold you off until Couples Therapy 2!  I'll follow up with the season premiere date (here is the rundown of the entire cast).



Highlights:    "Am I your toy?" at 0:29
                     Courtney being Courtney at 1:34
                     Interviewer getting sassy at 3:01:  "Sixteen'll get ya twenty!"
                     Lecherous piano photo shoot at 4:24
                     Courtney cracking up at her hate mail at 4:41
                      5:00 to 5:09: WHAT is Courtney doing?!  Get a priest!!

Vegan Tacos on the Jersey Shore

A recent trip down the shore brought me to the Surf Taco located in Manasquan, NJ.  One of the ten locations along the Jersey shore.  The perfect spot for fresh, delicious tacos on a beach day.

There is no vegan/vegetarian menu online, but the one pictured below is located on the counter as well as a gluten-free menu (not pictured).

This is the "Super Fresh Salsa" Bar with Mild, Verde, Baja, and Hot.  On the website it's called The Almost Famous Salsa Bar, I'm not sure if there is a difference.  Maybe the one in Manasquan couldn't get the movie rights.

On this visit I got the Vegan Tacos and some chips on the side.  The tacos were filled generously with rice, beans, Pico de Gallo, and guacamole, then generously sprinkled with the super fresh salsas by me.  The chips are on the thicker side, but fresh, tasty, and perfect for your leftover super fresh salsa.

Did I say they were delicious?  I know I've only used the word fresh fives times... six now.

Come for the Treats, Stay for the Devil

Who loves vegan ice cream and is going to be in Philadelphia in the near future? If you raised your hand, Little Baby's Ice Cream is the place for you. Little Baby's has several Philly locations and a list of yummy-sounding vegan options, including Coconut Chai and Mint Cookie. Vegans of all motivations are recognized and celebrated on Little Baby's website:

"Little Baby’s realizes that folks from everywhere may either choose to not eat dairy for social, religious, or political reasons, or may have had that choice made for them by nature. It does not matter to us! Come as you are! Care and imagination has gone into each and every product we make.


Vegans rejoice! No Rules on Planet Earth!"

So great, right? Couple Little Baby's progressive attitude and adorable "smiling ice cream cone" logo, and you've got yourself a world as sweet and comforting as a scoop of Mint Cookie on a hot afternoon.  

OR NOT.

   

In the words of many a YouTube commenter, what the entire f*&% is with this commercial for Little Baby's? Are we to assume the actor playing the self-cannibalizing, wild-eyed dessert mutant is currently roaming free in the streets? Did director David Garth Williams spill goat's blood onto a pentagram before he called "Action"? 

That being said, I want to thank Little Baby's for leading me to discover what Speculoos is. Happy indulging, everyone!

Stream a Little Stream: Tales that Witness Madness

Thanks to the 1973 British horror anthology Tales that Witness Madness, I no longer have to refer to this lovely method of transportation as "that bicycle with the big front wheel":

It is called a penny farthing bicycle, FYI.

Also thanks to this Freddie Francis-directed movie, I know that Freddie Francis has directed at least one idiotic movie.

It has a strong opening story, "Mr. Tiger", that involves a boy of about six who is apparently so troubled by his parents' near-constant fighting that he becomes obsessed with the imaginary titular figure, who the boy describes as a red-meat-craving, bedtime-storytelling, parent-loathing best friend.  Mr. Tiger turns out to be quite real, and dispatches of the boy's annoying family in a delightfully nasty sequence that shows the boy providing musical accompaniment to the bloodletting on his toy piano.

If Schroeder had been created by David Cronenberg.

Any sense of foreboding that was stirred up by "Mr. Tiger" is forgotten when we get to "Penny Farthing"...

...which has the audacity to believe that shot after shot of the expression of the subject of a portrait changing from blandly crotchety to aggravated to grumpily inquisitive (complete with side-eye as it observes someone's actions) is going to scare the audience. Everything about this segment, from the overbearing evil spirit of a hapless antique store owner's uncle, to the ludicrously constructed flashback scenes, to the fiery poltergeist blowout at the climax, is unintentionally funny.

"You kids get off the grass!"

Now the wheels are greased (pun intended) for the offensively stupid third segment, "Mel".  Mel is a possessive (and possessed?) felled tree that attracts the attention, and I mean ATTENTION, of Brian Thompson (Michael Jayston), who comes across as a fourth-rate Michael Caine. 

This is just depressing. 

 He stands the tree in his living room and calls it art, then inappropriately dotes on it, to the chagrin of his affection-starved wife Bella (Joan Collins). For all its faults, this movie has the distinction of being the (I assume) only film in which a man caresses a tree's boob. 

"There's a ribbon in my hair, for Christ's sake. You can't give me ten minutes?"

Bella eventually loses the meager patience she had with Mel and tries to lay the smack-down on her with a machete, but is killed for her effort.  One might expect a "death by evil tree" scene to be Evil Dead 2-riffic, but all carnage takes place offscreen, in silence.  Not one drop of blood appears. If an ending sucks in the forest and no one is there to hate it...

The fourth and final segment, "Luau", is about two Hawaiian-god worshipping gentlemen who kill the virginal daughter of a literary agent and serve her roasted corpse at a luau as part of a ritual. The god's name is pronounced "Mammaloo" and hearing actor Michael Petrovich (sleepwalking through his role) passionlessly announce it again and again is a scream.  

"Can I get some extra pineapple with my stabbed teenager?"

The wraparound story involves Donald Pleasance as a psychiatrist trying to convince a colleague that the aforementioned stories are real, and failing miserably. The doctor is declared insane and dragged away, right before his colleague is killed by Mr. Tiger. Tales from the Darkside, this isn't.  Grade:  D+

 

Twikus

In light of the indiscretions of Those I Shall Not Name, I nod to the universe's sense of betrayal through poetry.

Houseguest

Sparkly vampire guy

Weeps against the bosom of

Girl who played Elle Woods

Texting with blog 'scuse me?

(via fanpix.net)

monica: blog scuse me got invited to someone's birthday party!!! We should go, it's this Sunday in Minnesota. You can swing that, right? 9:46 AM

tara: Awesome! I can totally swing it. We both know the drive to Minnesota is two and a half hours max. 11:33 AM

monica: It's about six hours if you count all pee breaks... But still doable! 11:35 AM

tara: Btw i am the worst vegan ever. I made a field horse carry me through the woods on a nature run. There was a lot of peeing and resentment. 11:37 AM

monica: I'm assuming the horse grabbed you by the neck and was carrying you like a baby kitten 2:56 PM

tara: I have to pee and that comment is going to make me ruin a good pair of shorts 3:17 PM

monica: Is that the long form way of saying lol? 3:18 PM

tara: You got it. Ihtpatcigtmmragpos 3:20 PM

monica: I just made that a text shortcut on my phone so any time I try to type laughing out loud in short form it will replace it with this ihtpatcigtmmragpos. 3:31 PM

(courtesy of google voice)

When Does Autumn Start? Soon? Songs of Summer 2012

We've reached the sweet point in the season at which any mainstream artist who wanted to crank out a "summer anthem" this year has already made the effort and is now tucked in the studio prepping a holiday jam; maybe one that sounds oddly similar to Liz Phair's "Why Can't I".

Now that the kids have spent weeks rocking across Dorito-littered beaches to summery Top 40, let's pluck a few turds from the 2012 roster and examine their corresponding music videos. 

1.  Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen - Good Time



What It's About:  A man who feels the need to refer to himself as "Owl City" and Canadian songstress Jepsen do some clean livin' in the woods with kids who look like they just wrapped a photo shoot for an Urban Outfitters catalog.

Why It Sucks:  Owl City acts like a smug idiot the whole time (I don't think I've ever seen a worse lip-syncher) and seems to be having an issue with muscle control in the "magic by the campfire" sequence.  Also, the gang is obviously having three kinds of a blast but I didn't spot one bottle of liquor. Does not compute.

2.  Katy Perry - Wide Awake




What It's About: Katy Perry puts on her "sexy vampire" costume from last October and mopes amongst corny symbolism. FAME IS HARD. MEN ARE JERKS. MY INNOCENCE IS LOST. I LOOK HOT IN PURPLE.

Why It Sucks:  The scenes in the nightmare hospital are so ridiculous in their attempts to be deep and psychological that I did this upon my first watch:

Also, was the ending supposed to be a surprise?  I've been more surprised at the plot turns of an Adam Sandler movie. Katy, please stop making "art" and go back to shooting sundae toppings from your bra.


3.  Matchbox Twenty - She's So Mean




What It's About:  A beautiful, wonderful, saintly woman does everything in her power to get Matchbox Twenty to shut up.

Why It Sucks:  CG fire.  I've said enough.  But allow me to add:  Wtf is with the drummer's "feeling the holy spirit of the epic lyrics" face at 1:55?  Does he honestly believe the song warrants that?  If he ever got the opportunity to cover some Beatles, would his features collapse into his skull as he urinated confetti?

There have been heaps of serious musical failures floating around since June 20th, so stay tuned for more breakdowns. In the meantime, cleanse your palette with my latest choice for It Song/Video, a HEALTH/Eric Wareheim bit of flashy gory electro.