Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 8 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

Ha!  I just realized that if you're reading this in a feed reader you probably can't see the different colors or if you're colorblind.  Whoops.  

This week Ben visits the remaining girls in their hometowns and meets their family.  It's awkward, uncomfortable, pretty true to life.

We open on Ben sitting atop a beach boulder as he processes the whittling of contestants from twenty-eight to four . He's suddenly in extreme close-up, staring at the waves, and I can safely say I've never in the history of my reality TV love seen anyone wear such a dimwitted expression.  It's important to mention I sat through three seasons of Rock of Love.

Amanda's Hometown:  Laguna Beach
I get it now.  Our squeaky voiced single mother of two is from Laguna Beach.

Like this Laguna Beach?

Ben gets to meet the kids today.  I think this is the moment he realizes if he marries her, he would be their stepdad.  Their weird TV Bachelor stepdad.     

 

 Charlie refuses to high five Ben.  Probably because he's clearly going for handshake.  Let's not conflate these things, Ben.  You are not ready for a handshake.

 

Kinsley ends up being super charming, the yin to Charlie's emotionally vacant yang. (Trivia:  Kinsley is six months older than Caila.)

 

Since this is the first hometown, I'm pretty sure Ben has convinced himself he could make this work if the next three hometowns are awful, which they are but apparently not as bad as a tearful child.

Here's a question:  Why is Amanda's dad's only example of sacrifices you have to make when you have children not being able to go to the gym with your friends?   Seriously?  Because I've been looking for excuses NOT to go to the gym.  

What's the difference between an intern and a crying baby who hates everyone and needs a nap? Literally nothing.

— Bachelor Interns (@BachelorInterns) February 23, 2016

When Ben is sitting outside with Amanda's mom, clutching his emergency merlot and swatting at gnats, it's clear he's checked out of his relationship with Amanda.  But he still has to sit through his interrogation with Amanda's gently skeptical dad and the bedtime story reading with Kinsley and Charlie ("Once upon a time in Los Angeles, a boy named Ben...").  I would bet one million dollars Chris Harrison wrote that story, and the as-yet-unveiled ending is "And Ben and Lauren B. annulled their marriage after four months and Ben joined the 2017 cast of Celebrity Apprentice and got fired after two episodes".

Lauren B.'s Hometown:  Portlandia

And no, they don't go on bike rides and get tattoos...

The best part of this day is that Portland has a Whisk(e)y Library

Oh yeah and Lauren's dad calls her Baby Lo Lo.  Best nickname!  

 

Lauren B. and Ben eat lunch at Portland's food trucks:

 

 

Then Lauren B. frets to the camera because she can't move forward with Ben if her family doesn't like him.  She's got a challenge ahead of her, considering it's time to haul out the Mean Skeptical Sister Bachelor trope (saucer-eyed Mollie).  Mollie asks Ben what makes Lauren B. stand out to him and he responds by crying, which oddly makes Mollie give Lauren B. and Ben her blessing instead of laughing derisively in Ben's face.

Baby Lo Lo's dad wears a Mr. Rogers sweater and is smug as fuck and I appreciate both things.  It's apparent he doesn't think his daughter's relationship with Ben has a chance in hell and can't wait for her to return home and re-activate her Match account.
 

Caila's Hometown:  Hudson, OH  (not sure if there is a TV show here guys, sorry)

Caila and Ben sit on a bench together and then go to her dad's toy factory to build a house.  I think she might be boring enough to be a female Ben, which is to say she's probably the next bachelorette.  I've been saying it for weeks folks.  I'm not giving up on this. 

 

Caila has a whale of a time building the toy house with Ben because she gets to keep it.  Because, you know, she's three. *rimshot*

 

Caila's dad is the adult version of Derek from Full House:

 

 

He tells Ben he's in the "most magical marriage ever" and wins the Ostentatious Cornball Award.  Then he grills Caila about the integrity of her relationship with Ben and she starts weeping and squeaking while he struggles to not roll his eyes.  He's got the emergency pinot noir and the precise Justin Timberlake ramen noodle hair, and he will take no emotional horseshit tonight.

 

Caila's mom (who's rocking a fun "80s aerobics instructor" up-do) asks Ben if he's ever met Filipinos before and he chillingly replies, "Uh, no! I don't think so!" 

JoJo's Hometown:  Dallas, TX

I hate to even mention the flowers JoJo finds on her doorstep with a long letter sent from her ex-bf "Chad" because it seems like production manipulated this situation.   Blah, blah, blah.

Most importantly, let's talk about JoJo's mom.  Firstly, she says to JoJo, "You're not gonna get hurt, you're beautiful."  Second, she should have her own show on HGTV because she knows how to decorate a ridiculous house.

 That said, I'm hoping painting like this are all over the house.

JoJo's dad looks a lot like this guy...

JoJo's mom reins it in.

 

JoJo's wearing those open-toed suede booties again!  NOOOOO......

 

JoJo's family rises about the stiff competition and wins for Most Ghoulish.  This hometown visit was like a Tales from the Crypt episode written by Abby Kohn and Marc Silverstein.  Her brothers are sneering gargoyles with a slimy, Freudian attachment to JoJo.  Her mother rocks twelve gallons of lip fillers and a bad Beverly Hills nose job and blows huge plumes of smoke up JoJo's ass.  Her dad is a prune-faced glass of flat Fresca who looks like he'd get arrested for insider trading.

 

Brother Matt, the more constipated of the two brothers, insists that JoJo keep her heart guarded and that Ben is "not as emotionally invested" as she is.  In other words, "Never date again because my Genetic Sexual Attraction will force me to commit murder otherwise".   The two brothers accuse Ben of getting coached to feed them platitudes (hilarious) and of wearing a "poker face" (inaccurate:  That's Ben's "moron face").

 

Brother Ben was on a reality dating show!!  Now his cynicism makes even more sense.

 

Cocktail Party:

First off, at the end of each of these hometown visits not one lady said she loved Ben.  According to twitter, not a good sign.

Ben sends Amanda home because apparently he really likes going to the gym.  

 

I guess becoming an insta-dad is a scarier thought to Ben than getting poisoned by the in-laws at Thanksgiving.  He takes another opportunity to weep like a turd after Amanda's limo takes off.

 

Credits treat:  Ben talks with Lauren B.'s invasive Stepford Child brothers about the Fantasy Suite. PASS THE MERLOT!

 

Join us next week as everyone confesses their love for each other and cries in sunny Jamaica!  If somebody says "mon", I'm going to put a hammer through my television.

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 7 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

Hold on to your butts because this was the most boring episode this season.  First off, any girl with a personality is gone.  I'm sure these girls are great, but they are giving nothing to the camera.  Nothing except for tears, which is great for my fantasy team, but there are other ways to get point, ladies.  I hate/love to say this... I miss Olivia.  

This week we take a trip to Ben's Hometown (Warsaw, Indiana), where you fill your days with playing basketball and flying kites.  It's a simpler place.

Ben drives through Warsaw in a Chevy pickup and yells "Good to see ya!" at an imaginary old friend.  He meets his parents at a diner (where the waitresses are probably named Edna and Mavis and call the customers "sugar") and provides stats on the dull remaining women.

I will admit I find this town precious as hell, and a refreshing change from Chris Soules' hometown, which can be summed up as:

First Date:  One on one with Lauren B.  (everyone's favorite flight attendant)

They visit the community's children and Ben finds a rogue crying five-year-old; instead of wasting time talking him through the pain, Ben drags him back on the court so he can get those knees up and ignore it.  Lauren B. tells the camera she's never seen anybody act like that with kids; Ben is going to make an "amazing dad".  Was a scene where Ben gets a child with PTSD to finally start talking again left on the cutting room floor? 

They visit the "local dive bar" to toast with his pals (anyone else notice Clark Kent sitting on Ben's left?).  Lauren B.'s apple cheeks glow with triumph as she realizes she's in love with the blandest person alive.


Second Date:  One on one with JoJo
For this date, they leave Indiana for the Windy City and hang out at Wrigley Field all day because I assume there is nothing else to do in Chicago.   JoJo shows up dressed like The Fonz and Ben's outfit looks like a storm cloud.

It's only 2 hours and 24 minutes without traffic assuming ABC sprung for tolls.  Do they spend the entire date walking back and forth on the field?  Oh wait, they do have an adorably staged kiss while poking their heads through the scoreboard.  
There are other things to do in Chicago that aren't as expensive and boring as spending all day in an empty stadium talking about your feelings.  They have this pizza where they put the sauce on top of the cheese and their hot dog buns have poppy seeds on them.  I know!  

Caila is panicking because Ben still insists on dating other women when she and her silken extensions are right here, desperate for a ring. 


Third Date:  A Three on Two on One with Becca, Amanda and Caila
What a day!  They get to row boats and fly kites.  Warsaw is pure magic.  At the end of the day, one lucky lady gets to work at a McDonald's Drive-Thru and then ride a bunch of carnival rides with stomach full of American garbage.

Is it just me or is this the second season where Becca gets dumped in a barn? (For people who didn't see the Chris Soules season, Becca gets dumped in a barn decorated for a proposal.  Video*)  
*Don't watch the video, it's boring.
Becca, the next time a guy asks you to enter a barn, just say no.  ABC Executives Life is trying to teach you a lesson.  

Becca is majorly pissed because she's really putting herself out there, man, and Ben is giving her NOTHING.  "Where do we go from here?" she asks the camera.  (The answer to that, of course, is "To a shot of Chris Harrison instructing you to leave").

Suddenly the episode is interrupted by a meandering Mickey D's commercial (oh, wait, it's part of Ben and Amanda's date).  I was waiting for Amanda to say, "Ben, I'm so happy I got the chance to relax with you over this delicious, fluffy egg and perfectly melted cheese sandwiched between crisp, golden brown English muffins. The only thing that would make this more special is a bold, piping hot McDonald's coffee."

Caila can't stop yammering about Ben's "community" and how she "doesn't have a community" and this might lead him to reject her.  Why would Caila want to marry someone who would reject her for not having a bunch of fake friends rounded up by the PAs?

Emily scores the one-on-one and bursts into tears of joy as Caila stares at her like this:

Fourth Date: One on one with Emily
Emily gets to meet the parents.
She shares her aspirations of being a NFL cheerleader and a young mom with Ben's mom.  This is followed by Emily telling Ben's dad that her likes include sitting around and watching movies all day.

Bye Emily, I'll probably see you or your sister on Bachelor in Paradise.

Caila describes Emily as a "bright-eyed puppy" and gets one hundred gold stars.

Ben's dad looks like he'd play the mayor in a Christopher Nolan film and Ben's mom is unimpressed with Emily to the point where she starts weeping like a douchebag.  Emily is a clueless marshmallow who means well and whoever Ben picks on this show is going to be divorced from him in a year, so cool your jets.

Ben dumps Emily because Mom hates her and she sobs like he got her in the femur with a crossbow.  Ben stands on the dock, overcome with emotion, and bizarrely fondles his nose and mouth.  If the movie Mars Attacks! was a person, it would be Ben.


Cocktail Party:
Bye Bye Becca.

What's going on with this collar?  Is there a name for this?  It looks like a straight line.  

Caila wraps herself in a black cape because she has no community and all is ashes.   I love that Becca acts nonplussed at getting dumped when she spent the episode whining about how Ben hates her. I feel The Beccarette coming on and I'm not amused.



Prediction: Next week he dumps all of them and brings back Laura aka Red Velvet. #bringbacklaura

But before the return of Red Velvet:  Amanda's kids are fuckwads, Caila's dad is Joel Grey, and JoJo's family hates the shit out of Ben.   In other words:



Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 6 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

My DVR guide describes this episode as "The two-on-one date leaves one woman traumatized."  My response:

Rose Ceremony:

Ben pulls capering demon Olivia aside and asks her why the other women hate her so much.  Olivia says they alienate her for being "different" - she likes "reading books" while the other ladies like "painting their nails" and "doing each other's hair" (I'm going to add "brushing their teeth").  She starts fake crying so Ben will let her stick around. 


Olivia, you seem to forget that last week you were on camera doing your nails.  Tara seems to think she meant the ladies were doing each others nails, but I think Olivia's full of shit. 

📚 Smart Things?📚 #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/epTxpiz8Ea

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 9, 2016

Ben announces he "appreciates every one" of the ladies (all of whom are fuming except Olivia) while his hair sits gingerly on his head like a damp toupee.   Can we get a surprise appearance by Huey to lighten the mood?

Jennifer gets the heave-ho because she's boring and Ben tells her, "You're gonna make somebody...very happy."  (The last part of that statement, "Your mom, when you spend the rest of your bitter life splitting the mortgage with her in a one-bedroom condo", was removed in editing.)  Actual screenshot of Olivia enjoying her celebratory flute of champagne:

Group Destination:  The Bahamas!!  VIVA LA BAHAMAAAS

The ever-resplendent Chris Harrison visits the ladies as they sip mimosas in the hotel suite.  Becca, who's been looking very gassy, presents the one-on-one date card to Caila shortly before Ben emerges from the shadows with half his shirt unbuttoned.  Ben, you are not Burt Reynolds and therefore I beg you to stop the shirt fuckery.

One-on-One with Caila: Boats McGotes

Caila and Ben go fishing with a rod that's attached to her hips as Leah sobs in a frustration.  She lives TEN MINUTES from Ben in the dull universe that exists outside the show.  They could have met IN A BAR, for crying out loud.  She was picked for The Bachelor literally by Magical Santa Claus Jesus and Ben's not exploring this miracle with her.  (Dear ABC, stop trying to manipulate my feels with clips of Leah sobbing while Ben and Caila are having the time of their lives Sandals-style.)  Instead, he's wasting his time with perky bubbly Caila.  Caila refuses to get serious and vulnerable in front of Ben for reasons unclear even to her; but she suspects the problem is that she's incapable of romantic love.  Sounds too good to be true, if you ask me.   At first Ben wants to throw her off the show right then and there but ends up telling the camera he finds it "attractive that [Caila] can be confusing".  This confuses ME, because if Ben should be used to anything, it's getting confused.  Stoplights, crescent moons, and microwave ovens confuse Ben.  I guess he's constantly horny. 
Their "dinner" conversation is a delightful train wreck.  Caila is telling Ben that she doesn't want to cry in front of him, who knows how that conversation got started, and the longer she talks the more confused Ben looks.  She somehow saves herself by saying she feels "understood" by Ben when he has absolutely no idea what she's talking about.

Group Date: Becca, Lauren H., Amanda, Lauren B., JoJo, Leah

Becca is afraid of getting mauled by a shark, but should probably be more concerned about the possibility Ben is taking them to Isla Sorna.  Suddenly....

YAYYYY ACQUATIC PIG ATTACK!!  Becca didn't realize she was scared of pigs until this moment.  I didn't realize my ideal vacation is to be surrounded by all-up-in-your-business pigs in the Atlantic until this moment.

Once the pigs get bored, Leah starts crying again because she's a "group date groupie".  The delicious irony is her obsessive concern over Ben "not giving [her] a chance" is probably going to get her kicked out rather than any tag-along status. Shit gets awkward with everyone on this date.  It was as if everyone had just realized they were on the Bachelor.

After the awkward beach frolicking, Ben visits the ruminating ladies while wearing a ribbed shirt with two buttons undone and asks, "Can I sit down somewhere?" as he sits down on the sofa.  Can we get Chris Soules back or something?  Ben and his vanilla bravado and prickliness remind me more of  Justin Bieber all the time.  

Ben gives helium-voiced Amanda a rose and Lauren B. is so devastated her hair transforms into a windswept top-of-the-head bun.  Leah is on the creep trying to be the next Olivia and Ben shows how much this impresses him by throwing her out.

 Lauren H. didn't get the memo about the cut-off jeans.  Coincidentally, she got sent home this week. 

Just kidding it looks like @laurenMhimle ignored our "cut off shorts and bikini top" memo. #rude #TheBachelor

— Bachelor Interns (@BachelorInterns) February 9, 2016

AND THAT'S WHY YOU ALWAYS READ THE MEMOS.

Two-on-One Date:  Asshole vs. The Twin

Olivia and Emily travel to a distant shore with Ben while there's a hurricane a-brewin'.   Olivia shows Ben how much she loves him by telling him she's grounded, intimidating, smart, strong, intellectual, and I think she said the Beatles wrote the White Album for her.  

Finally, FINALLY, Olivia goes home.  She fake sobs as Ben and Emily leave her to die on Skull Island.

Ben poses awkwardly on a wall and then cancels the cocktail party because he's a cranky bitch.  Why didn't Chris Harrison just hang out with the ladies and camera crew for a couple of hours and get loaded? 

Rose Ceremony: 

Ben's buttons are undone as usual and his bangs are fluffed.

JoJo panics because she realizes she's pretty dull but she ends up with a rose.  Becca's dress looks like it was cut from a mattress cover so she gets one too.   Lauren H. gets the axe and does one of the season's best ugly cries in the back of the limo.  See you on Bachelor in Paradise, pal!

Credits Treat:  This flies into the house and wackiness ensues:

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 5 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange
Blah, Blah, The Right Reasons, Blah

Next Destination:  Mexico City, the romance capital of Mexico City

Interesting tidbit:  Olivia has a bidet.  She's only 23 year old and she's clearly doing better than me.  If you want to cheer me up, please bidon't.

First Date:  One on one date with Amanda

Olivia is surprised to hear that Miss Teen Mom Forty Tons of Baggage Used Goods Children-Having Amanda caught Ben's attention to this degree. 


Date Activity:  Hot Air Balloon Ride.  Exciting romantic adventure?  Check.  Nicely packed picnic?  With food that they presumably never consume?  Check and check.  Champagne?  Obviously.  I'd call this a date if it wasn't for the lack of Jacuzzi.  How can you really get to know someone unless you're surrounded by warm bubbly water.  


To start out this "date", Ben gives the girls a wake up call at 4:30 am.  All the girls are a little embarrassed, not expecting this visit, no one is dressed up or wearing makeup, one girl has zit cream on and another is wearing a retainer.  All the girls except for Amanda, that is.  She has full makeup on, wakes up looking like she slept on a cloud.  This reminds me of Britt during Chris Soules season, she also woke up in the middle of the night with makeup on and if I remember correctly, she explain that she took it off every night and immediately puts it on before she sleeps.  That explanation has bothered me ever since.  First off, is it bad to sleep with your makeup on?  Yes.  Secondly, that means Britt has never seen her actual face.  (Wait, was Britt's date also a hot air balloon?)
Here's my theory:  Since the girl going on the date would need to pack her bags before leaving for the date in case she gets sent home, someone in production has to tell her that bag needs to be packed before she goes to bed.  So does she jump to the conclusion that there may be an early wake up call with the bachelor or did they explicitly tell her?  And either way why didn't she share this with the other girls?  Or were they like "you're crazy, Ben doesn't wake up early, he's a software salesmen."?  Either way, what were you thinking, you want the man you are trying to marry think you naturally wake up with brown sparkly eyelids.  That's going to be so hard to maintain.

Amanda: Like I like have like kids and like I am like divorced and like like like #TheBachelor

— Fake Juan Pablo (@juanpablofake) February 2, 2016

 Ben sprawls on the picnic grass with Amanda and tells her that he, "like, just wants to see what it's like being around" her.  There's an almost palpable specificity when Ben talks and I admire that.  Amanda mentions that she doesn't want to "scare" Ben away with her children and whatnot; I think if anything scares him away it'll be those absolutely heinous opened-toed suede booties.

Ben presents Amanda with a rose and at this point has shown the world he loves the word "incredible" as much as Chris Soules did.  He makes it clear her life doesn't scare him; he can definitely imagine a future with her and the kiddies.  Here's the kind of dad I expect Ben to be:

Second Date:  Group Date with Jubliee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah, and Olivia

Lauren H. is so excited to get excluded from the group date (and therefore picked for a one-on-one)  she almost sloshes cabernet all over the sofa.  Olivia continues to sulk and tells the camera she doesn't want Ben anymore; she NEEDS him.  I feel literally nineteen thousand "can I steal you"s coming on!

Date Activity:  After a Spanish language class where they learn bachelor-esque phrases in Spanish like "I want to kiss you" and "I'm falling in love with you," the girls get recipes written in Spanish to create classic Mexican dishes.  

Emily claims that on a scale of one to ten, her Spanish-speaking skills are at a negative ten.  So are her math skills, I guess.

The girls have to break up into pairs to make these dishes.  With nine girls, someone gets Ben on their team.  Jubilee and Olivia fight over Ben, if you call an awkward staring and silence, fighting.  Olivia wins because her and Ben have a secret love language (which she tells the camera as she sits there looking like she noshed a few Quaaludes).

Olivia flaunting her knowledge of Spanish and forcing herself on Ben in cooking class conjures this image:

The topic of Olivia's bad breath comes up again just as Ben is force feeding her a pile of mint. 

I am 120,000% convinced Ben got a compensation increase for letting the producers keep Olivia on the show for so long.  She is wild as a rabid badger and her mouth "smells like shit", according to Emily (as much as she hates Olivia, I can't see her fabricating such a thing - wouldn't she just run with the fat toes and sociopathic behavior?). There is no way in hell Ben sees any potential in Margot Robbie on K2 at this point.

#TacoTuesday 🌮🌮🌮 pic.twitter.com/zs82YmJ2ti

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 3, 2016

Ben kicks Jubilee out the door because she's too insecure for him.   Jubilee sobs and declares herself "the most unlovable person in the world".  Wait...is America months away from seeing the first black woman become Bachelorette???  Genuinely curious and excited.  But the media is racist as fuck so it will probably be Amanda.

Olivia gets a rose from Ben, causing Emily's platinum extensions to ignite with rage.  While Olivia accepts her rose and shoves fruit kabobs in her mouth she's dressed like the Predator for some reason.

Third Date:  One on one date with Lauren H.

Date Activity:  Fashion Show in Mexico City where Ben and Lauren H. get to be models.  This is followed by a fake dinner and guy on the street with a harp (close enough to a private concert).  

I was so excited about Lauren H. last week and this week not a single one-liner.  What?  You get a one-on-one date and all of the sudden you're taking this seriously.  We had something, Lauren.  

Lauren H. shows up for the date wearing a top that's a belly shirt but also a mini-dress.  Olivia isn't threatened by this or any other awesome Lauren H. facet because she's too busy painting her nails and sleeping on two beds at the same time.

LH managed to walk the runway without puking on it, but she looked on the verge of laughter almost the whole time, which I suppose isn't the desired "fashion model" expression.  Olivia's typical expression is more suitable:

Ben likes LH because she "really says what's on [her] heart".  The George W. score is touching the sun at this point.

Cocktail Party:  

Olivia makes a comment about Amanda's life being like Teen Mom, that TV show that follows teen moms.  That was clearly a line she should not have crossed.  Emily responds to this by telling Ben the truth about Olivia.  Ben puts on his detective cap and questions the rest of the girls at the cocktail party to uncover who the real Olivia is.

Can't wait for next week, when he deduces she's a total piece of shit and keeps her on the show!   By the way, instead of Bachelor Live can we just watch Emily do different kinds of shots for half an hour?

Now more importantly, I think I might be falling in love with Fake Juan Pablo.

Eef I was on dis seesun I wud tel dem all I like dem an sleep wit dem in de ocean an send dem home, but enof about me being gr8 #TheBachelor

— Fake Juan Pablo (@juanpablofake) February 2, 2016

Oh and Ben Higgins MOLES (@benhigginsmole) are following me on twitter and so should you.
This is me (@mon_o_gram).  This is Tara (@tee5isalive).  This is the blog (@blog_scuse_me).  Get on this bullshit!

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 4 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange
We write stuff about the episode and other stuff that concerns us and post it maybe before the next one airs.


This week they finally leave the mansion for Las Vegas.  The marriage capital of the world and Ben is excited because this is a place where people do find love or make the biggest little mistake of their lives.  Oh wait, that's Reno. 
 

Olivia sits around in the morning wearing a lumberjack shirt and never closing her mouth before Lord and Master Chris Harrison appears to make the Vegas announcement.  "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I can't handle this right now!" gushes Olivia (here's an actual screengrab):

 

First Date:  One on one with JoJo

Date Activity: Helicopter Ride... then fireworks on the roof

I'm not quite clear on what this date entailed.  They had champagne on the roof while waiting for the helicopter, the helicopter comes and all that gets blown away, they fly around, have a quiet chat and watch fireworks on a rooftop.  No fake dinner?  No jacuzzi?  No private concert?

We were going to have a hot tub on the rooftop but we ran into a "pivot situation" in the stairwell. #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/9szkUfppUq

— Bachelor Interns (@BachelorInterns) January 26, 2016

When I found out the date card read, "You set my heart on fire" I hoped in vain that JoJo and Ben would go to an abandoned warehouse and re-enact scenes from Backdraft.  Instead JoJo almost gets knocked over by a table while Amber drinks coffee and Olivia mopes. And then Ben tells JoJo that when he's with her he's "like, you know, in that moment where, like, nothing else matters".  I am literally witnessing Ben's brain cells die as he stares at his dates.  JoJo likes Ben because apparently dudes who ignore the top two buttons of their dress shirts make her feel safe.

Second Date: Group Date with Amanda, Jubilee, Amber, Leah, Haley, Emily, Caila, Lauren B., Lauren H., Olivia, Jennifer, Rachel

Leah does a heinous ponytail whip when her name gets announced for the group date.

Date Activity: Talent Show opening for a "comedian" that uses "puppets"

The gang walking in on Terry Fator's yodeling companion was unequivocally terrifying. Still one million times better than Jeff Dunham.  But then....

DEAR OBAMA BEFORE YOU EXIT THE WHITE HOUSE PLEASE CANCEL ABC THANK YOU



I'd like to take a moment to talk about Lauren H.  Back in week 2 she commented on a girl's apple bobbing skills, "Jackie is not good with her mouth, unfortunately."  Week 3 she comments that she has "zero ball handling skills."  This week she's talking about nipple tassels and kissing little Ben.

She needs to do more commentary and I can't wait to see her on Bachelor in Paradise.  What I'm saying is I really want her to be the Tanner of this season.

Back to the date, they gloss over everyone's talents to highlight Olivia as she half-asses/quarter-asses her way through a improvisational burlesque routine.  Afterwards she runs into a Boyz II Men dressing room to have a panic attack.  

Apparently her and Ben's "bam...sha-bam" couldn't save her from being a graceless dope.  I have to give her credit for being self-aware enough to know that Ben was underwhelmed and gave her the dreaded "pity hug".

During the evening portion of this date all I could think of was this sketch from last weekend's Saturday Night Live.
"I'm blue eyes, brown hair, and grey shirt."


Calia and Ben make out like drunk college freshmen and Ben calls her a "sex panther" to the camera.   A couple of weeks ago I compared Ben to George Bush.  I take that back, because he's George W. Bush.

Olivia ropes Ben in for a heart-to-heart in light of her shitty dance number and Ben gapes at her with barely muted disgust, like he used to do with Lace.   Then he tries to have a conversation with Emily about her leaving her dog behind to look for fake love on a reality show, and Olivia comes bee-bopping out of the shadows for yet another one-on-one.  Ben's liver audibly clenches with rage as Emily strolls off with a line usually reserved for dudes I have a crush on who aren't interested:  "Have a good one!"

Third Date: One on One with Becca

Date Activity:  Becca assists Ben as he officiates several wedding... it's about as lame as it sounds.  Then they drive to the Neon Museum which is not lame at all.  Yet again, no fake dinner?

Did nobody tell Ben to tuck in his goddamn shirt while he's officiating real people's weddings?    

My impression of Becca's excited face 😐 #TheBachelor

— Fake Juan Pablo (@juanpablofake) January 26, 2016

The first groom, Travis, looks like the young version of the husband in Grant Wood's American Gothic.  The bride, Leah, has trippy shoulder tats and looks like Lauren H.'s older sister.  Becca looks like a Duggar daughter in her flowy white thing as she watches a bespectacled kid give his new wife the most forced, awkward kiss since Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley stupefied the audience at the '94 MTV Video Music Awards.

Who else noticed that when Ben told the camera, "all the questions I wanna know about Becca...I wanna know 'em tonight", his eyes went like this:

The power of Christ compels Ben.

Fourth Date: Two on one with the Twins

Date Activity: Going to the Twin childhood home to dump one of them in front of their mom.

DoxiesdoxiesDOXIESdoxiesDOXIES

Emily sprawls on her bed with Ben and throws her sister under the bus for "not really making a connection" with Ben as the twins' mom wears a horrendous peasant top and sits under a mountain of doxies.

At least Hayley doesn't have to pack while crying and take the limo ride of shame away from the hotel.  She can walk right into her room and blast Taylor Swift.

Now I can tell when I'm seeing double and not just looking at the twins. #TheBachelor 🍷

— DrunkLace (@Drunk_Lace) January 26, 2016

Cocktail Party:

Olivia steals Ben again. Again.  At this point Ben is looking at her like she's the human version of syphilis and she is in a state of feverish delusion, telling JoJo that Ben is falling in love with her.

Jerry Bruckheimer film music plays as the girls gather at the chopping block.

Ironically, Amber is one of the last people I want to go home, because her hatred for Olivia is actually making her interesting. Miracles don't only happen at Christmas.

Aaaand Amber goes home because he once again chooses Olivia. 

Join us next week as.....
   

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 3 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange
You know the drill.

Show opens with Lauren B. and Amanda complaining about Olivia.  Foreshadowing perhaps to an episode chock full of women behaving badly toward other women.  

I would kill to see Olivia's alleged $40,000 collection of clothes.

Chris Harrison shows up at the mansion to see how everyone is enjoying their complimentary copy of The Perfect Letter and to drop off the date card.  He feels a "heaviness" in the room, a real bummer type of energy, man.  I don't know what he was expecting considering Huey is no longer in the mansion.

First Date:  
One-on-one with Lauren B. Calia is extremely disappointed that she's not the one to go out with Ben, especially because he's wearing powder blue.  I suspect she has progressive parents and they decorated her nursery in powder blue instead of pink, when she was a fetus literally 3.5 years ago.  Sorry, the watered-down Statler and Waldorf bits about Calia's age are probably going to keep coming.

Date Activity:
Ben takes the flight attendant on a biplane ride so that they can fly over the bachelor mansion and make out.  There is nothing weird about that. Lauren B. says the high-flying adventure makes her "nervous, but, it's also, like, relaxing".  What a delightful paradox! The left-behind ladies watch the plane soaring over the mansion and Emily the Twin says "that totally could OF been me".  She actually puts stress on "of" to hammer down that she fails at grammar.  Then in classic bachelor fashion they stumble on a hot tub in the middle of nowhere.  Still nothing weird. Love the camera zooming in on JACUZZI.  Ben and Lauren B. are relaxing in a genuine JA-COO-ZEE, everyone.  I was imagining the contract between Jacuzzi and ABC committing ABC to lingering on the label for a period of no less than 3 seconds and wishing I had drafted it.    And then a surprise private concert from a band no one has heard of.   Ben gets two gold stars for saying generic country singer Lucy Angel's name as if he's introducing Taylor Swift.  He gets fifty gold stars for discussing his connection to her song: "I was listening to the lyrics about how, like....in a girl's arms, it changes me. And all I could think of... like, this girl right now is changing me".  Ben >>>>>Yeats.

Classic bachelor date formula:  Convertible car ride + exciting activity + hot tubbing + private concert = The right reasons?  ...I almost had something.

During this date, Ben says,"Will you accept my rose?"  Way to take ownership, Ben!  However, later in the episode he reverts back to "this rose" it was a refreshing chance of pace.

Back at the mansion Caila provides a strong case for why she should be the next bachelorette. Agreed. She realizes - brace yourselves - THERE ARE OTHER WOMEN IN THE MANSION. WHO ARE INTERESTED IN BEN. AND SHE MAY NOT BE THE ONE TO MARRY HIM. WHAT IS OBAMA'S PHONE NUMBER BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS HELLFIRE.  In the midst of her devastation she unleashes one of the episode's best quotes:  "It's hard to have a heart when you know it could be broken".  Somebody call Carrie Underwood!

Second Date:
Group Date with Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Lauren H., Emily, Leah, Olivia, Jami, Lace, Shushanna, Amber, Rachel  Jami's "I have a date" victory song is the stuff of dreams.

Date Activity:
Learn how to play soccer in Los Angeles Coliseum.  How is it possible that not one of these girls has ever played soccer? What about gym class?  Field Day? A neighbor's backyard?  It never came up?  

Jubilee tearfully venting about Ben having a "type" is a revelation that Ben is a smiling simpleton who likes fellow smiling simpletons; it's a shame she doesn't have an epiphany and follow LB out the door.

Chris Harrison pops in again with a twist.  They have to divide into two team and only the winning team gets to go to the after party... so it's a fight to the death.  Well, people get hurt.  Amber stops evaporating into the foliage for a second to score the winning goal.  Rachel, I don't know, dies or breaks her leg or something. Olivia makes Cheshire Cat faces at the camera and continues to be a  douchebag.

Some Colorful Observations:
Date 1: Ben wears a baby blue shirt
Date 2: Ben wears a primary blue shirt
And randomly Olivia matches the date 2 day time primary blue shirt with her date 2 night time dress.  Luckily Ben had changed into a grey sweater by then, but it's probably because they have a secret language.

Lace does not get enough screen time during this date and I'm not happy about it.  I believe Lace is the only one we can count on to fight the good fight against Olivia and her alleged non-cute toes and disgusting breath.  Amber is showing glimmers of emerging from her oatmeal cocoon and taking a few swings at Olivia, but at the moment she's harnessing all her energy to demonize Jubilee.

Third Date: 
One-on-one with Jubilee

Date Activity:
Helicopter ride to Cal-a-vie Health Spa

Ben looks at Jubilee like she has three heads when she says she loves hot dogs.  Ben is more a "caviar and upsetting haircut" type of guy.  Four actual gold stars to Jubilee for calling out Ben on his phony laugh, which he should have seen coming considering the only funny person in the mansion is Lace, who Ben looks at like she's a vomit stain.

Jubilee tells Ben that her entire family was killed and his response is, "Do you understand what you have done in life...to bring you here?"   Um, what?  She tells him her ENTIRE FAMILY IS DEAD and he tries to assure her by reminding her that she was picked to compete on a reality show with a bunch of stiff Abercrombie models who know only twenty words of the language they were raised speaking?  *cartoonish shrug* 

Lauren H. telling the camera why Ben will not choose Jubilee, as well as her use of "literally insane", is all the evidence I need that she's a Wonder Bread asshole. 

Cocktail Party: 

Ben strolls in and announces that two people very close to him died, who were "pillars of the community".  Olivia responds by pulling Ben aside and tearfully whining about her cankles. It was, to be frank, the best moment in the history of media.  Then he gets an impromptu "grieving process massage" from Jubilee and everyone is fit to be tied.

Lace asks Ben if she can "steal him for a second" and he says "sure" and looks like he's getting dragged by his veins Nightmare on Elm Street 2-style into the pits of Hell.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS ON BACHELOR LIVE OH MY GOD WHAT MY HUSBAND

Aaaand Lace voluntarily leaves.  Ben could not care any less.  Like, ANY less.  Fuck.

Ben ambles back into the rose ceremony and tells the remaining ladies he's feeling things he's never felt before, which is disturbingly vague.

Jami gets "blindsided" by Ben throwing her out and tearfully announces to the camera she's going to start "adopting cats now".  Jami, you are 23 years old.  Take a breather, practice some self-care, and remind yourself that you have 7 solid years before society starts getting on your case about being single.

According to the teaser, Olivia has some kind of breakdown next week - I'm sure it will be exquisitely hor-BEN-dous!!

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 2 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange
You know the drill.

First off, let's talk about the ads for the show playing The Weather Girls - It's Raining Men.  What's that about?  Men?  There is literally one man and 20-something girls.  Please stop, save it for the Bachelorette or even Bachelor in Paradise.  Unless you intend on letting it rain men and let these women have more than one option, I call bullshit.  

#BringBackLaura
I'm not giving up on you, Laura!!!!

Potable Quotables:
"Ben is the greatest Bachelor on the planet of history."  - One of the Twins, not sure which one, but I hear one of them is going to break their thumb.  Hopefully that thumb is in every shot.

"If you had a list, he checks off every single list." -Jo Jo

"I came here to find Ben as a husband." - Lace

"Can I tell you one picture?" - Lace

Let's get into this episode:
Show opens to Ben putting on his pants on because we needed to confirm that Jami, the Canadian, wasn't lying about his big heart.  He also meticulously adjusted his smushed mop hair and looked thoughtfully out a window.  I believe with all my heart that Chris Harrison scripts these scenes.

First Date:
Group Date w/ Jackie (Saves the Date card), LB, Lauren H. (Dead Bouquet/Kindercop), Becca, Amber, Mandi (Dentist), Jo Jo (Unicorn Girl), Jubilee (our favorite X-man/vampire), Jennifer, Lace (The Girl You Wish You Didn't Start A Conversation w/ at the Party)

Date Activity:  Going back to School to become homecoming queen or like if you fast forward Mean Girls and removed all the jokes. To the surprise of no one, Chris Harrison appears in a clichéd "professor" getup and makes morning announcements from his fake office like he's filming Grease 3.

Jubilee and Lace, shortest lived and cutest couple.  I think those two can work it out.  I see them being good friends on Bachelor in Paradise.

Science Class:  "Make Ben's Volcano Explode" with love, trust, and communication

LUNCH CLASS!!!!  Bobbing for apples.  I didn't have this class, I pretty sure I would have been great at it. 

Geography:  Find Indiana, place it on a map of the United States.  Becca barreled into the room looking confused, as if already in the throes of fucking up this activity.  

Gym Class:  Make a free throw.

And then race toward a banner and presto, you're a homecoming queen.  Mandi was so determined to beat Unflavored Yogurt aka Amber that she got roughly six feet of air over the hurdles; it was breathtaking.

That evening even though Lace didn't get to make out with Ben, he did make out Jennifer (I keep forgetting she exists), JoJo, and Jubilee.
Alas, giving his rose to his bubbly poly-amorous unicorn dream girl, JoJo.  This elicited stink eye from both Jubilee and Lace, yet again proving there is a friendship brewing there!

Lace is literally Sean Young in both appearance and attitude. I'm not surprised she's a real estate agent; I'm sure she has access to a ton of properties on which to dispose of bodies.

While the first crop of lucky ladies is reliving their high school days (which, for most if not all of them, ended about six months ago) a new date card is delivered to the mansion.  Olivia makes terrifying "excited" faces and morphs into Cameron Diaz on bath salts, then is crestfallen when the date goes to Caila, who makes Ariana Grande look forty-eight years old.

Second Date:
One on one with Caila
She was promised a "Day of Surprises," instead she got a Day of Cross-promoting Ride Along 2.  #ridealong2 She gets to spend the day with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube...and Ben tags along.  

I was STUNNED that Ride Along 2 is from Universal Studios, COMPETITOR to Walt Disney Studios!!  My happiness was short-lived when I realized the ubiquitous Kevin Hart was going to, as Ice Cube put it, "steal the show".  I was already in the early stages of Kevin Hart fatigue.  That being said, I'd take a special 8-hour long episode of The Bachelor featuring no one but Kevin Hart over a five-minute appearance by Dane Cook.

Kevin Hart mentions fried chicken in a crock pot.  That's a thing!!!  Have I been so far up my own vegan/whole food ass I didn't realize you could fried things in a crock pot? 

 Hot Tub Store date...genius!

I am shocked (and, admittedly, disappointed) that Chris Harrison didn't show up in Bermuda shorts with Huey and an armful of inflatable tub toys.

Ben looked like he was in the white-hot grip of homophobic panic when Kevin Hart emerged from the hot tube nude.

They continue on their date with dinner at the smallest table ever and stumble into a venue with hanging candles and Amos Lee playing to an empty room.  What are the odds?

For the record, I detest Amos Lee's cover of "Sweet Pea".  I cackled when Ben said "This is my favorite song...like, of all time."  If Chris Soules was the John McCain of the Bachelor, Ben is the George Bush.  Also, this version is from a 2006 album, which means it was released five years before Caila was born.

Third Date:
Group Date with the Twins, Shushanna (XUXA), Sam (Passed the Bar), Amanda, Olivia 

Their date starts out like this:



On this date, Ben is going to let "Data" lead him to the right woman.

This whole date has Shushanna trying to remember the last time she ate cabbage.  Poor Girl.  Don't be ashamed to eat vegetables!!!!

Ben tells Sam she smells sour, Amanda he's not afraid of her daughters, and gives another rose to Olivia.

 

Favorite scenes: 

 

One of the Twins saying, with a grimace, "I'm not very smart".  

 

The smell test ("She's like a giant raspberry").  We have hit rock bottom, guys.  We're beneath Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars here. 

 

Olivia trash-talking to the camera about Sam getting the lowest compatibility score.  Yes, Sam, you should be devastated and pack those bags because you were given a 2.9 by a doctor who's probably only licensed in Arkansas.

Cocktail Party:
Props to Lace for pulling Olivia aside and being like "Stop eating up all of Ben's time."  

Wait, I should start this with why Lace won me over tonight.  I've totally been in the same situation where I've said something stupid to a guy and then the next chance I get I tell him I used to have double bangs.  I don't even know what double bangs are.  Lace, stop calling yourself "crazy."  You've been put in an abnormal situation and you're fighting to survive while half of them are just angling to be the next bachelorette.  You've made Tara 210 points in the first two episodes and I am still rooting you.  So glad you got a rose tonight!  Also, don't be so angry when girls interrupt you and Ben, I think it's been saving you from making things worse.

Lace finally showing some vulnerability while Ben looked at her with thinly veiled contempt was painful.  At this point, Ben and Olivia deserve each other.  Ben can smile at her all day with empty eyes while she chomps at the air around him like a Cenobite.

It finally dawned on me that Jennifer looks like Maya Rudolph. 

Ben showed Lauren B. how much he cared by giving her a candid photo of them from the prior episode, which I guess the KGB delivered to Chris Harrison.  Just kidding - Chris Harrison is IN the KGB.

LB ran for the hills of Oklahoma because she knew she didn't have long-term potential.  Smart move. Don't wait to stand in a barn getting told this just isn't going to work while Olivia lurks in the background with a scythe.

Amber got the final rose because the producers didn't want her to look like an idiot for trying this Bachelor stuff again and getting the heave-ho one minute in. 

MANDI NOOOOOOOOOO!!  They didn't even show her exit interview???  And I knew Sam was going to leave because of the weird smell thing.  There's no coming back from that.  Poor Sam - may she and her Lamb Chop eyelashes grace Bachelor in Paradise.


Notable Tweetables:

#MoleVibes sensing some of these girls look too weak to be bachelor girl material. #TheBachelor

— Ben Higgins MOLE (@benhigginsmole) January 12, 2016

Yeah, #molevibes is a thing! Congratulations, Ben H's mole!

Sniff de weemin I nevr was DIS creepie rite? #TheBachelor

— Fake Juan Pablo (@juanpablofake) January 12, 2016