It's Judgment Day... again

If things don't really pan out with this whole rapture thing, I am seriously thinking of signing up for a spin class.less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyDave Hill
mrdavehill

If you are not already aware, tomorrow is the Rapture, but don't sweat because the earth won't be completely destroyed until five months later. That's plenty of time to finish your novel, learn how to knit, and read up on old blog 'scuse me? posts.

So let me explain to everyone that doesn't care. Harold Camping, the president of Family Radio, determined with an elegant mathematical theorem from years of studying the bible that Judgment Day will be May 21, 2011 using a Bible-based numerology. It's a fact! (I'm pretty sure a nun told me oncw that numerology was the work of Satan, but I think she would be cool with someone using it to scare people into Christianity.)

Camping had previously predicted Judgment Day to be in September of 1994, coincidentally the year pop sensation Justin Bieber was born...

I'm not saying that arbitrarily taking numbers from the bible isn't a 100% self-righteous science, but I don't want to end up like a member of heaven's gate with a new pair of Nike's and no spaceship. I mean, I already paid an atheist to watch my dog if I'm saved.

Happy Rapture! Here's Blondie rapping:

Blog 'scuse me Presents: Gabbin' About Chazz

The new year started as a dark one for pop culture. The joy of Simon Cowell's uncontained hatred for talentless American Idol hopefuls was replaced with the horror of Steven Tyler's and J. Lo's treacly compassion. Photos of Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber canoodling on a yacht seared the world's collective retina. Sanctum opened.


Then, like an F-18 deploying its ordinance to the ground, Carlos Irwin Estevez dropped upon us what I just heard the ABC 11 o'clock news call "a tsunami of interviews".




Fortunately for us, each piece of this tsunami is best described as a seething, polyamorous, bipolar-manic hypodermic needle of fun. Chuck has "fire-breathing fists". He's a "Vatican assassin warlock". He's rallying his fans to join him in "marching up the steps of justice". It's very sad (i.e. fantastic) that the narcissistic ravings of the coke-addled star of Scary Movie 3 have, in mere days, proven said star leagues more compelling and inventive than 99.9999999999% of the country's best-selling authors.



The man who according to IMDB is nicknamed "Good Time Charlie" (I'm thinking "murderous clown" and "Vietnam War satire") is on fire in TwitterLand and the hose is nowhere in sight. Yesterday, he sent the following tweet to a certain music mogul (Warning: All factors considered, this tweet is so out-of-body-experience-freak-mazing you may want to get your Xanax prescription refilled before you read):


@iamdiddy Get dressed my man...Sending the driver..!



WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

And the hits just keep on comin'. Carlos is in the air, he's the salt of the sea, he's the flecks of earth on the hoof of a newborn foal. In what I'm calculating to be Quotable Quote Number 764, he warns that "they're not ready" for "guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life...". Nails?!? Now he's fraternizing with chain-smoking cartoon spiders from alternate dimensions in horrible Ralph Bakshi movies!! Commence to swooning.

Last (for the time being) but certainly not least, the Twitter bonanza that Charles Sheen created has earned him one million plus followers; he only follows twenty-three people, one of them Fred Durst.




Ka.....CHING.

I Want Some Dadgum Buh-Scoddy

I believe it was the immortal Barney Rubble who once remarked, "'Tis the season to be sharing, Fred." In honor of the solemn or sparkly or solemnly sparkly holidays of December, I would like to share a cookie photo or two. Tonight, I tried out the "Chocolate Hazelnut Biscotti" recipe from Veganomicon:

This puffed dough log, which has to cool for half an hour before slicing, looks pretty obscene. Trust me, the raunchiness is fleeting.

Sliced and delicate 'scotti, ready for another 12 minutes of baking to achieve ultimate crispness. Side note: I used chopped hazelnuts from the baking aisle instead of the whole ones the recipe called for. The Shop Rite produce department came up short *sad and confounded emoticon*. No worries, though; chopped nuts work fine as an emergency alternative.

A cookie attack cooling on the rack. This crunchy and rich cocoa density was totally worth the effort!

Brunch with blog 'scuse me? (at Tara's)

Over the summer, Tara made us a great brunch before a mini road trip to South Jersey.


On the brunch menu at Tara's, a damn fine cup of coffee, tofu scramble with spinach (and maybe some other green), soy sausage patty, and toast. Add some late morning cartoons and you've got brunch perfection. If only Jem and The Holograms were on, I would have been in heaven.

On to the reason for this post:
I have been reading many of the other excellent blogs involved in VeganMoFo and I saw some insanely delicious looking tofu Benedict food porn:

ieattrees.com
www.cestlavegan.com
www.vegancooking.com
vegintraing.blogspot.com

...even the Girlie Girl Army

And so, Tara, I am just suggesting that next time we do brunch at your place, we make tofu Benedict. Maybe some fresh squeezed orange juice too?

Did someone say apple pie?

It's the last day of VeganMoFo and I'd like to share with you, my pride and joy, my strategy for a superior apple pie.

Disclaimer: This is not a recipe, it is a way of manipulating any apple pie recipe into what I consider a good apple pie. Constructive criticism is welcome.

I used to use the Pillsbury ready made dough, but since becoming vegan I just make my own. It's not difficult, it tastes more homemade, and you usually end up with a little extra dough which I'll explain why that's a good thing later.


I've tried out a few pie dough recipes, but lately I really like the one in Colleen Patrick-Goudreau's The Joy Of Vegan Baking. I use the 1/2 cup non-hydrogenated margarine, 1/2 cup shortening variation of her recipe. It gives you that perfect balance between flakiness and workability. If you don't own the Joy Of Vegan Baking, which I suggest you do, Martha Stewart also has a good basic pie dough recipe, just replace the butter with non-hydrogenated margarine. I add a little more sugar to both of these recipes because I like a sweet dough.


You need about 5-6 apples for a pie. I use only granny smith apple and I cut them as thin as possible. This is entirely up to your preference.


For the cinnamon/sugar/flour/nutmeg/salt mixture, I typically start with any recipe I can find just for the basics. I use the Pillsbury perfect apple pie a lot. Taste the mixture, keep the sugar and cinnamon out, add more cinnamon, taste it again. If it gets too cinnamony, add more sugar. Wait until mixture makes your mouth water just a bit, then it's ready! Put a thin layer of the sugary mixture at the bottom of the pie before the apples. Add a layer of apples, then more of the sugary mixture, continue layer by layer.


Sugary apple mountain...


Here's an easy way to make your pie crust look pretty.


Poke holes, make slits, have fun with it. Sometimes I like to put my initials in the pie.


When the pie is in the oven, to prevent the end crusts from over baking, I put some foil on the edges and then when the pie has about 15 minutes left in the oven I take them off to give it some color.


Now while your pie is in the oven and you have a little extra pie dough lying around. Take those extra pieces and sprinkle cinnamon and sugar or any leftover sugary mixture on top and pop it in the oven after the pie comes out. (My mom put a little almond milk on the dough before the cinnamon and sugar, but that's not necessary.)


After the pie, turn the oven temperature down a bit and cook them until they get a golden brown. This is the perfect treat while you patiently wait for the pie to cool down.


The finished product!


Look at that awesome flaky crust... LOOK AT IT! To the left is an equally delicious pumpkin pie yet again from The Joy Of Vegan Baking. On the right is my delicious apple pie.

HomeFoodz: Shop Rite is Awesome

There are few things more annoying than walking into a supermarket and finding that wilted produce and bottled water are the extent of the vegan-friendly options. Big reason to appreciate my local Shop Rite, which seems to get vegan-friendlier all the time and is even including Tofurkey roasts in its annual "rack up points, get a holiday entree" thingy.

When I don't feel like cooking a full dinner, here are a couple of Shop Rite offerings that come to my rescue:

Tofutti Pan Crust Pizza Pizzaz! Yummy as can be with or without toppings. I sauteed and seasoned frozen spinach and sliced a few queen olives for a flavorful, green touch.
The Shop Rite salad bar does it up nicely. I mixed a parsleyish, oniony salad with a bean salad, added a few stuffed grape leaves, and sauteed fresh spinach in oil and a heavy sprinkle of nutritional yeast.

How does your supermarket treat you? Lots of vegan goodies or disappointments galore? Found any big surprises e.g. Tofurkey sausage next to the hideous pork products? Please share!

Nanner Nirvana

I had been itching for weeks to try Vegan Brunch's Banana Rabanada (Brazilian French Toast) recipe, and figured I'd give it a shot as kickoff to my series of VeganMoFo experiments. I totally understand why this dish is traditionally served at Christmas; it's rich, sweet, and cozy. Like a beagle puppy who got his lil' mits on the winning scratch-off.

Two very ripe nanners, almond milk, vanilla, and cornstarch ready to spin. Shockingly, I remembered to put the lid on beforehand.

Whole wheat baguette slices soaking up banana custard. I could have face-planted in the baking pan at this point.

Sizzlin'....the kitchen filled with the scents of warm banana and vanilla, and all was right with the world. Eh scratch that - all was right in my apartment.

The final result, heavily dusted with cocoa powder and cinnamon and slathered in Smart Balance and maple syrup. The perfect partner for a cup of hot coffee with almond milk. YUM-O*

*The second image is available for rental if you go through the black curtain at the back of the Palmer Video.