Monday, May 27, 2013

Horrors of YouTube: The Mangler

Sometimes YouTube provides when Netflix cannot. I found some slimy horror movies that aren't available on Netflix in either streaming or disc form, one of which is Tobe Hooper's 1995 pancake of shit The Mangler, starring scare icons Robert Englund and Ted Levine. It also stars Vanessa Pike, who plays a girl approaching her sixteenth birthday but looks forty.

She'll be fine.

The Mangler is based on the Stephen King short story of the same name, which appeared in his awesome 1978 Night Shift collection. This movie is not awesome. This movie is full of half-assed special effects; leaden dialogue that doesn't resemble any human conversation I've had or heard to date (if that sounds intriguing to you, save your energy; it's the result of horrible construction rather than weirdness); women who are useless at everything except dying, crying, and screaming; and embarrassing "old man" facial prosthetics.

Handguns work on possessed laundry machines made of solid iron. It's science. 

The plot unravels before our blank stares and leaves us with a bunch of unanswered questions and the urge to sever our internet connections.  Ted Levine is John Hunton, a surly detective who hates his job and is haunted by his reponsibility for the car wreck that killed his wife. Hunton investigates some nasty occurrences at the Blue Ribbon laundry, which involve the titular "character": a hulking, toothy folding machine that works fine on hospital bedsheets but not so well on shrill employee Mrs. Frawley, who makes the brilliant decision to stick her fingers into the mouth of the machine to retrieve an antacid tablet.  She ends up looking like the melted and blood-drenched Chucky doll from the end of Child's Play 2, and things roll downhill from there as Hunton and his occult-studying brother-in-law Mark beat up a murderous refigerator, ask a woman if she's a virgin with no explanation as to why this is relevant (the Mangler enjoys a good virgin sacrifice), and throw a crucifix and holy water at the demonic Mangler while yelling the Lord's Prayer.  The movie is as deadly as the Mangler in its desire to be taken seriously but is dull and insulting to the intelligence instead of uninentionally funny, which makes the whole mess a total waste. Robert Englund's Bill Gartley, the nasty laundry owner who serves as part of a conspiratorial deal with the Devil, doesn't even get any flinch-inducing wisecracks. Unless you want to feel what could have been a perfectly good hour and forty-six minutes mangled to death, avoid this movie.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Cocktails and Dinosaurs: News and Libations for the Weekend of May 17, 2013

Semi-regular posts made to remind you this blog still exists.  I'm serious.  We're still here.

(via EV Grieve via Bobby Williams)
  • The entire new season of Arrested Development finally premieres on Netflix May 26th.  Want to know the moment it's added to Netflix?  Just text ANN to 619-EGG-VEAL.  I'm not kidding.

    In ANNticpation of the new season, the Bluth Banana Stand has been making the rounds to Big Britain, New York, and pretty soon LA.  Check out some pictures from the Nevernude meet up at the Big Yellow Joint yesterday in Times Square (Buzzfeed).

    Throwing a Arrested Development Season 4 viewing party?  Need food ideas?  There are literally dozens of websites talking about this.  Pinterest!  HuffPo.  Food Republic.  BluthFamilyReunion.

    Oh yeah!  Watch the Trailer for Season 4 while you're waiting!
  • Speaking of great shows coming back, according to Entertainment Weekly, the IT Crowd is coming back for a 40-minute finale special!!!!!  AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

    Between The IT Crowd, Arrested Development, and Veronica Mars all coming back, I'm in constant state of jubilation and tears (of joy, of course).
  • Marshmallow, Marshmallow.

    New York cops, firefighters, &c refer to hipsters as marshmallows because they're soft and white.  Sure, there are other forms of hate speech we should be addressing, but it's a funny video.  I am now official obsessed with John Roberts (aka Linda Belcher from Bob's Burgers) YouTube channel.
  • Here's a great article on why we should care more about slut-shaming.  Read it!! (Jezebel)
  • The X-Men Made Me A Feminist.  Hell yeah!!!!
  • Stay tuned to our tumblr page because we will be posting awesome vegan food and beverage photos all weekend!!!!!!!

Cocktail of the Week:  Aviation

The Aviation is made with gin, lemon juice, maraschino liqueur, and creme de violette served straight up with a cherry.  These are so delicious, I wish every bar made them.

Email that crap out of us @ monicatara[at]  Or just comment here!  We love you and we want feedback and cocktail ideas!