Monday, October 22, 2012

Tempeh and Mushroom Strogonoff - Looks So Odd. TASTES SO GOOD.

Autumn. Giver of gourds. The ideal season to slide back into the routine of wrestling with your can opener in a hot kitchen while accidental dustings of pumpkin pie spices and smears of canola oil surround you.  The drudgery looks quite worthwhile when you're finally stuffing your face with the hearty and scrumptious fruits of your labor. (To defend against this statement getting used out of context, I must reiterate that I do not advocate or tolerate the consumption of babies.)

I was looking for a simple new strogonoff recipe when I came across this great one from Whole Foods. Of course, pay no attention to the suggestion to use a vegan OR non-vegan ingredient (Tofutti Sour Supreme or death!!).

Getting started....look at those attractive choppings. I always engage in the risky activity of buying supermarket produce, and this time wasn't disappointed. Shop Rite usually sells perfectly decent portobello mushrooms and white onions. The sometimes-exquisite-sometimes-practically-decomposed apples may leave you breathless with rage, however.

Luscious frangrance as the garlic, onion, and mushrooms brown in the pan.

The finished yumm-o dish. As I mixed the brown gravy and sour cream, I couldn't help getting suspicious that this would taste like vomit (and not the superb Bad Taste kind). One bite was all it took to remind myself that I am an ignorant troll.

Notes: Instead of the suggested packet of gravy mix, I used about three quarters of a 10.5 ounce can of Shop Rite brand mushroom gravy. Also, I substituted instant whole wheat couscous for brown rice. Since rice is now being reported as a festering cancer bomb along with apple and grape juice (the cause, of course, is humans' slap-happy use of pesticides), I often use couscous, lentils, or quinoa in place of rice.

If you're looking for a dinner entree that warms your soul as well as any Quaker product, give this recipe a try and let me know what you think!

Friday, October 12, 2012

Cocktails and Dinosaurs: VeganMoFo Edition Week 2

Semi-weekly posts dedicated to the discovery of week old news on the internet.

This was my meal tonight for watching the US Vice Presidential Debate.  Soba Noodle Soup from Wild Ginger and Pumpkin Ale.  Oh yeah, and tons of Sriracha.

  • Speaking of Pumpkin Ale, I found a bunch of pumpkin ale taste tests on the internet, like on bon appetit,, and The Daily Meal.  The Smuttynose Pumpkin Ale seems to be fan favorite.  I can't vouch for them yet, but give me a week.
  • Pinnacle Vodka has a new flavor out just in time for the holidays.  But what kind of cocktail can you make with a Pumpkin Pie flavor vodka?  I got it!  Vegan White Russian with Pumpkin Pie Vodka.  That might be terrible, let me know.
  • While we're in pumpkin season, why not make vegan pumpkin whipped cream or pumpkin hummus OR a pumpkin keg.  Pumpkin Keg!  Okay, it's more of a pumpkin beer trough, but PUMPKIN KEG sounds so much cooler.
  • David Lynch has released his own signature limited edition Dom Perignon, The Power of Creation.  For the low low price of $150 US you can become the proud owner of your very own Lynchian Champagne filled with non-linear flavor structures and bubbles that defy logic with their own dark mystical behavior.
    Dom Perignon is vegan!  So the real question is, do I really need a new winter coat or should I buy a bottle of champagne I probably won't understand until I've drank it three or four times?
  • Hey Al Gore!  I think James Cameron just called you a fraud.
    "'You can’t be an environmentalist, you can’t be an ocean steward, without truly walking the walk,' said Cameron, 58. 'And you can’t walk the walk in the world of the future, the world ahead of us, the world of our children, not eating a plant-based diet.'" (via The Examiner)

  • The Cinnamon Snail's Adam Sobel shares vegan cooking tips on Ecorazzi.  Get advice about everything from "how to prepare a bad ass tofu" to vegan frosting.

Korean Sausage and Potato Special from the Cinnamon Snail

Cocktail of the Week:  Aviation

I had this cocktail at Gallow Green located on the roof of the McKittrick Hotel, home of the "long-running interactive theater hit Sleep No More". (via New York Mag)  The Aviation cocktail is made with gin, creme de violette, lemon juice and a maraschino cherry and has made me change my opposition on gin.

Send any news tidbits and cocktails ideas to: monicatara[at]

Friday, October 5, 2012

Cocktails and Dinosaurs: VeganMoFo Edition Week 1

Semi-weekly posts with an assortment of news I found on the internet and then regurgitate for you here with links and stuff.

The month of October is the Vegan Month of Food, better known as VeganMoFo.  So if you're confused about what our blog is doing, you can read about it here.  While your at it, discover some great blogs, find amazing recipes, and look at hours of vegan food porn.

  • Speaking of vegan food porn, we've been flooding our twitter account with tasty photos from our delicious food adventures.  Follow us @blog_scuse_me!
  • Could Coachella switch to 100% Vegetarian Event if Morrissey and Johnny Marr will just put their differences aside and perform as the Smiths? According to Morrissey, yes.  What if after they played Coachella they went on a world tour?  Would the whole world go vegetarian?  There is only one way to find out.  Smiths Reunion Tour!!  (via Stereogum)
  • If you read the Stereogum article above, then you know Eric Bana is Morrissey's favorite Australian animal.  Can we just take a moment to appreciate that?

  • Do you like Sci Fi?  Are you a vegan?  Did you know Michael Dorn is a vegan?  Do you know who Michael Dorn is?  Well, if you've answered yes to most of those questions, then there a site for you!!  It's called


  • Vegan hair care products tested on film stars?  I guess I can live with that.  Rosario Dawson, Natalie Imbruglia, and hair care expert Tara Smith team up to build a better coif. (via Veg News)
  • On Grub Street this week, an article titled, "Eight Surprisingly Awesome New Vegan Dishes."  Is "surprisingly" necessary?  Anyway, "surprisingly" I've only been to one place this list so far.  Beyond Sushi is amazing and has had a table at the NYC Vegetarian Food Festival the past two years.  I can't wait to try these other spots.  

Cocktail of the Week:  Kentucky Ginger

This is a cocktail I got at The Campbell Apartment in Grand Central Station.  If my memory serves me correct, this cocktail contained Maker's Mark, Domaine de Canton (ginger-flavored liqueur), and some sort of muddling with rosemary.  Essentially, a pricier version of a bourbon and ginger ale (psst... that's my favorite drink).  It was tasty, but the slight flirtation of rosemary made me wish there was more.

 These are some pictures inside The Campbell Apartment which creates a really cool, old new york-esque atmosphere (i.e. makes me feel important as I eat olives and sip cocktails).

Send any news tidbits and cocktails ideas to: monicatara[at]

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

More Corgis!

Only one person cares about polls?  COME ON!

Monday, August 27, 2012


(via this page)
This Corgi just can't understand why nobody has voted on the poll on the right side of the screen yet.  It looks a little something like this:

Oh yeah, and it says ZERO votes so far... How am I suppose to know if we should be doing monthly polls if no one votes in the first poll to find out if anyone wants polls back?!?!

This Corgi can barely even look at you right now:
cute welsh corgi

I am determined to get at least ONE vote!!  So until that day happens I will be posting pictures and videos of cute adorable Corgi puppies.  Oh?  You like pit bull puppies.  Sorry, maybe you should start voting, because I CARE WHAT YOU THINK!

Sunday, August 26, 2012


For everyone wondering when the remake of Red Dawn, starring Connor Cruise, that guy from Thor, and that other guy from The Hunger Games, is coming to theaters.  It's slated for release November 21, 2012.

Update:  I noticed that the trailer isn't showing up on my google reader.  If you are also having that issue, here's a link

If you are concerned about the bevy of inaccuracies found in the short 2 minute and 30 second trailer, you are not alone.  For more on the movie's factual blunders, please refer to this wonderful article* in The Atlantic.

*WARNING:  This may ruin the movie for you.  Like finding out that the numbers on the steam pressure gauges in Titanic were in Helvetica!  Helvetica wasn't even developed until 1957, that's only 45 years after the Titanic.  Thanks, James Cameron, go back to making futuristic sci-fi movies.

I mean you're still going to see it because Thor's in it, right?  I thought so, because it's HEMSWORTH it.

Note to Connor Cruise:  If you are serious about this DJ thing, blog 'scuse me? would love to help you come up with an awesome DJ name.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

This Week in Whu-Whuut

*Cartman voice* Summer is almost over, you guys!

You know what that means: The next four months will dump an avalanche of Oscar bait (which you can check out in the 2012 Fall Movie Preview issue of Entertainment Weekly - KSTEW AND RPATZ ARE ON THE COVER OMFGROFL), new and returning addictive TV shows, and hot music onto the masses. Here are some things I'm excited about (besides the obvious):

  • has reported that French-Canadian pop queen Mylene Farmer is in the studio recording her ninth full-length studio album with plans for a December release. If such works out, perhaps a single will drop by October (seven exclamation points).  Mylene is an unpredicable little sprite, and I'm very interested to see what she comes up with next. Since her debut album in 1986, she's done everything from an ode to Edgar Allan Poe to an up-tempo dance confection about committing suicide to a depressing Moby-penned ballad. One of her most recent singles, "Du Temps", was included as a bonus on her greatest hits collection 2001-2011:


  •  X Factor premieres on September 12th.  Simon Cowell is still a dream-smashing curmudgeon. Britney Spears is a new judge.  BRIT-BRIT.  And she is gonna say what she FEELS, people.  I'm ready.

  •  Blair F'ing Warner from The Facts of Life, one of my beloved childhood sitcoms, is a competitor on the upcoming season of Survivor, which premieres September 19th. WPLJ radio played an interview snippet this morning in which she stated that she would not be employing any of the reality show's common schemer tactics to get ahead. You go, Lisa Whelchel! I know you'll get by on down-home charm and voluminous hair.

                                                              Acronym for Totally Vivacious Goddess.
  • Halloween horror hijinks. Movie marathons on cable, ridiculous theatrical releases, photos of celebrities dressed as Jack Sparrow and Cinderella in the gossip magazines (I know this doesn't sound horrifying, but just peek inside the Us Weekly that comes out during first week of November; you'll see what I mean)....ah, I can smell the hot cider already.
*Jason Voorhees theme*
    I'll follow up with a run-down of the autumnal garbage I am definitely not excited about. Happy Death of Summer, everyone!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


Leaves of Grass

Robert always knew

My love for him could not match

My love of hydro

Monday, August 13, 2012

Stream a Little Stream: The Baby

I expected to hate TV veteran Ted Post's 1973 horror-thriller, which dares the audience to suspend disbelief with a ferocity as yet untapped. Granted, it has hateable elements; but I was very surprised at its success as a (mostly) well-acted, "John Waters gets serious" freakshow.

 Ann Gentry (Anjanette Comer) finds out that several fellow social workers have successively visited the Wadsworth family, which is composed of Mama (Ruth Roman), daughters Germaine and Alba (Marianna Hill and Susanne Zenor), and a twenty-one-year-old son known only as Baby (David Manzy). The only social worker who appeared to be making progress with Baby, who has behaved like an infant all his life thanks to some no-holds-barred negative reinforcement from Mama (who has issues with men and abandonment) and his siblings (Alba uses electric shocks to discourage him from trying to stand), has mysteriously disappeared. Ann scrambles to take over the case. From the moment she meets Baby, who is a caterwauling, repulsive character played with eye-shielding badness by Manzy, she is overcome with affection that borders on possessiveness.  She makes no secret of her determination to help Baby blossom into a fully functioning adult. His family is not amused.

He gets a C for enthusiasm, I guess.

The Wadsworths, with the exception of Baby, are endlessly fun and far more humanized than the usual horror villains.  Mama is a brassy, nicotine-voiced nut who pimp-smacks the crap out of the babysitter when she discovers her letting Baby, um, try to breastfeed (?).  Alba is a bratty, petulant tennis instructor who would have made a great bully in Carrie. Then there's Germaine, my personal favorite. A wonderfully creepy, tonsorially gifted character who enjoys standing at a distance and staring with intense disapproval like the forgotten bride of Dracula, she could easily carry a film on her own.

Are we seeing this party 'do? Germaine rocks.

The Wadsworths eventually try to murder Ann for her efforts, but she escapes from their basement and abducts Baby. The ladies somehow find out where Ann lives (They used those huge books to find people in the seventies, right? Some pages were white and some were yellow.) and invade the house Ann shares with her mother-in-law and, according to some cryptic comments she makes throughout the movie, her husband (as yet unseen, except in photos Ann tearily stares at before bed).

I wish they had made a Golden Girls-esque sitcom with Ruth Roman, Juliet Mills, and Susan Tyrrell.

From this point, the movie starts to twist like a Rold Gold until the genuinely suprising ending.  The discovery of what Ann really wants with Baby made me want to cringe, cackle, and throw a coffee mug at the screen all at once. Despite its neglect of logic and straight-faced tastelessness, The Baby is worth checking out. Grade: B

Sunday, August 12, 2012

What Did Axel Foley Just Say?

Today I was watching Beverly Hills Cop when I noticed this scene:

You heard Eddie Murphy right.  He knew a Johnny Bananas back in 1984!  So what does that mean for the infamous lawsuit that caused an MTV reality star emotional distress because of a cartoon gorilla on HBO's Entourage?  A lawsuit that HBO won after it was dismissed back in May.  Read more here.

Let me backup a bit and give you some context.

The Real World: Key West debuted on MTV on February 28, 2006 with a character whose nickname was "Johnny Bananas".

Then during Season 7 of HBO's Entourage which aired from June to September of 2010, a cartoon was introduced called Johnny's Bananas based on the character Johnny Drama.

The facts:
The word banana goes well with the name Johnny.
Dole refers to their smaller bananas as bobby bananas.
Since 1984, I know of three documented uses of the name Johnny Bananas.
According to HBO, nicknames are not protectible under New York law.

Regardless, who was the Original Johnny Bananas?  Is it the Johnny Bananas in Detriot that undercover cop Axel Foley refers to in the first few minutes of Beverly Hills Cop?  Maybe it was a nickname for John Quincy Adams or the arch-nemesis of Johnny Appleseed, but I will find him or her.  The search begins...

Off topic:  Why don't I have the Beverly Hill Cop Soundtrack?

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Rooftop Party for Animals Asia

If you're in the New York City on August 16th (this coming Thursday), join us for cocktails and delicious vegan hors d'oeuvres in midtown Manhattan.  Get some friends together to watch the sunset* on a gorgeous rooftop bar in support of the Animals Asia Foundation before the summer is over. 

This event is being thrown by the US Veg Corp.  They are responsible for the annual NYC Vegetarian Food Festival (as well as other events like this one), so follow them on facebook and twitter to find out more about what they do and upcoming events.

Come for beautiful rooftop views of the city with hor d'oeuvres from vegan friendly NYC-based restaurants (Beyond Sushi, Vegetarian Paradise 2, and Kyotofu) and drink specials. 

August 16th, 2012 (Thursday) from 7-9pm

XVI Lounge
251 West 48th Street - Google Maps

"This roof deck atop a Hilton Hotel seeks to re-create the "decadent" era of Louis XVI. Presumably there are no impending beheadings." -Time Out New York

Get your tickets now!
$20.00 in advance
$25.00 at the door

Let them know you heard about this event from Monica!

A portion on the proceeds from ticket sales will go to the Animals Asia Foundation!  Animals Asia is an Asian-focused registered charity with three flagship programmes:

End Bear Farming:
In countries across Asia, thousands of bears live a life of torture on bear farms, so that their bile can be extracted and used in traditional medicine to cure ailments ranging from headaches to hemorrhoids. Bears are confined in cages which vary from agonizingly tiny "crush" cages to larger pens, all of which cause terrible physical and mental suffering.
They have 250 rescued bears in sanctuaries in China and Vietnam and are working to reduce the demand for bear bile by promoting cruelty-free alternatives.

Animals Asia is dedicated to protecting dogs and cats from cruelty, suffering and neglect and to restoring respect for animals which have proven to be our loyal companions and friends. Dogs and cats provide us with unconditional love and they deserve our protection. We develop programmes with individuals, welfare groups and governments to benefit animals and people alike.  
Their campaigns including Friends or Food (to end the consumption of cats and dogs in Asia) and Animal Therapy (offering pet-facilitated therapy to hospitals, nursing homes, orphanages, etc. in Hong Kong and China).

Action Against Cruelty:
Speaking out for animals on issues as they emerge; bringing to public attention archaic and cruel practices that continue in the name of public entertainment and traditional medicine; exposing the reality of live animal markets.
Issues including live animal feedings at zoos and parks and wildlife consumption.

All this information can be found on their website as well as videos like this one of adorable juvenile bears playing at their Vietnam rescue center:

See you there!

* Keep in mind, I do not control the weather, if it's cloudy that day, I apologize for the lack of sunset views.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Couples Therapy Season 2 Is Going To Be Off The HOOK

One of the standouts on the resplendent garbage barge that is VH1 Reality is Couples Therapy, which premiered this spring and chronicles the monumentally embarrassing attempts of Y-list celebrities (Note: Z-listers are viral video celebs) to save their relationships through rehab. The highlights of Season 1 were plentiful: Linda Hogan blew up at Charlie Hill for platonically communicating with a girl on Facebook; DMX violated policy and drank a cocktail (sorry, "pomegranate juice") in a staff member's face; Kasey Kahl wept like he was screen testing for an all-male remake of Steel Magnolias.  Did I mention that Jersey Shore castoff Angelina Pivarnick was a cast member, engaging in the perpetual ball-slam of her boyfriend Chris Nirschel (of The Next Food Network St-YAWN sorry, I can't even finish) because she is, like, totes famous and he is sooo completely not? If this show gets snubbed by the Emmys next year, I will be inconsolable.

The Season 1 finale aired in May; now our blogoverse is in a tizzy over who has been (emphasis on "has-been") confirmed for Season 2.  Here are my favorite picks:

Alex McCord and Simon Van Kempen of The Real Housewives of New York City

Awweeeeessssooome. Hypersensitive Alex and her hatchet-faced drama whore of a spouse seemed to have a legit, albeit creepy, bond during the four seasons they appeared on RH.  Since they were booted off Bravo, news has broken of the Grim Reaper pointing sternly at their marriage. The former (and upcoming - it's the circle of life) reality stars are now making a dash for "intense counseling" on VH1 in an attempt to turn things around. I'm pulling for Alex; she's obviously a pillar of strength for not dialing a divorce lawyer in a frenzy immediately after Simon appeared before her in this outfit:

Mary Shelley's Saturday Night Fever.

Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stodden

Ten years ago, I really respected Doug Hutchison as a character actor. Wetting his pants in The Green Mile, murdering the sh*t out of people on The X-Files. Those days are dead. Now he wears skullcaps and "Fonz Noir" jackets and sits around whining to Dr. Drew about the lameness of "our Western culture" for disapproving of his marriage to seventeen-year-old Stodden (he's fifty-two), which only exists because he and his surgically enhanced gutter clown of a wife figured he'd go to prison otherwise.

This is a soapbox-free zone - if a sixteen-year-old wants to run to Nevada (one of the thirty-nine states in which a person that young can legally marry) and exchange vows with a man who was middle-aged when she was emerging from the womb, fine. But I can't help but feel a sense of disingenuousness when I watch this Nightline segment.  Allow it to hold you off until Couples Therapy 2!  I'll follow up with the season premiere date (here is the rundown of the entire cast).

Highlights:    "Am I your toy?" at 0:29
                     Courtney being Courtney at 1:34
                     Interviewer getting sassy at 3:01:  "Sixteen'll get ya twenty!"
                     Lecherous piano photo shoot at 4:24
                     Courtney cracking up at her hate mail at 4:41
                      5:00 to 5:09: WHAT is Courtney doing?!  Get a priest!!

Monday, August 6, 2012

Vegan Tacos on the Jersey Shore

A recent trip down the shore brought me to the Surf Taco located in Manasquan, NJ.  One of the ten locations along the Jersey shore.  The perfect spot for fresh, delicious tacos on a beach day.

There is no vegan/vegetarian menu online, but the one pictured below is located on the counter as well as a gluten-free menu (not pictured).

This is the "Super Fresh Salsa" Bar with Mild, Verde, Baja, and Hot.  On the website it's called The Almost Famous Salsa Bar, I'm not sure if there is a difference.  Maybe the one in Manasquan couldn't get the movie rights.

On this visit I got the Vegan Tacos and some chips on the side.  The tacos were filled generously with rice, beans, Pico de Gallo, and guacamole, then generously sprinkled with the super fresh salsas by me.  The chips are on the thicker side, but fresh, tasty, and perfect for your leftover super fresh salsa.

Did I say they were delicious?  I know I've only used the word fresh fives times... six now.

Come for the Treats, Stay for the Devil

Who loves vegan ice cream and is going to be in Philadelphia in the near future? If you raised your hand, Little Baby's Ice Cream is the place for you. Little Baby's has several Philly locations and a list of yummy-sounding vegan options, including Coconut Chai and Mint Cookie. Vegans of all motivations are recognized and celebrated on Little Baby's website:

"Little Baby’s realizes that folks from everywhere may either choose to not eat dairy for social, religious, or political reasons, or may have had that choice made for them by nature. It does not matter to us! Come as you are! Care and imagination has gone into each and every product we make.

Vegans rejoice! No Rules on Planet Earth!"

So great, right? Couple Little Baby's progressive attitude and adorable "smiling ice cream cone" logo, and you've got yourself a world as sweet and comforting as a scoop of Mint Cookie on a hot afternoon.  



In the words of many a YouTube commenter, what the entire f*&% is with this commercial for Little Baby's? Are we to assume the actor playing the self-cannibalizing, wild-eyed dessert mutant is currently roaming free in the streets? Did director David Garth Williams spill goat's blood onto a pentagram before he called "Action"? 

That being said, I want to thank Little Baby's for leading me to discover what Speculoos is. Happy indulging, everyone!

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Stream a Little Stream: Tales that Witness Madness

Thanks to the 1973 British horror anthology Tales that Witness Madness, I no longer have to refer to this lovely method of transportation as "that bicycle with the big front wheel":

It is called a penny farthing bicycle, FYI.

Also thanks to this Freddie Francis-directed movie, I know that Freddie Francis has directed at least one idiotic movie.

It has a strong opening story, "Mr. Tiger", that involves a boy of about six who is apparently so troubled by his parents' near-constant fighting that he becomes obsessed with the imaginary titular figure, who the boy describes as a red-meat-craving, bedtime-storytelling, parent-loathing best friend.  Mr. Tiger turns out to be quite real, and dispatches of the boy's annoying family in a delightfully nasty sequence that shows the boy providing musical accompaniment to the bloodletting on his toy piano.

If Schroeder had been created by David Cronenberg.

Any sense of foreboding that was stirred up by "Mr. Tiger" is forgotten when we get to "Penny Farthing"...

...which has the audacity to believe that shot after shot of the expression of the subject of a portrait changing from blandly crotchety to aggravated to grumpily inquisitive (complete with side-eye as it observes someone's actions) is going to scare the audience. Everything about this segment, from the overbearing evil spirit of a hapless antique store owner's uncle, to the ludicrously constructed flashback scenes, to the fiery poltergeist blowout at the climax, is unintentionally funny.

"You kids get off the grass!"

Now the wheels are greased (pun intended) for the offensively stupid third segment, "Mel".  Mel is a possessive (and possessed?) felled tree that attracts the attention, and I mean ATTENTION, of Brian Thompson (Michael Jayston), who comes across as a fourth-rate Michael Caine. 

This is just depressing. 

 He stands the tree in his living room and calls it art, then inappropriately dotes on it, to the chagrin of his affection-starved wife Bella (Joan Collins). For all its faults, this movie has the distinction of being the (I assume) only film in which a man caresses a tree's boob. 

"There's a ribbon in my hair, for Christ's sake. You can't give me ten minutes?"

Bella eventually loses the meager patience she had with Mel and tries to lay the smack-down on her with a machete, but is killed for her effort.  One might expect a "death by evil tree" scene to be Evil Dead 2-riffic, but all carnage takes place offscreen, in silence.  Not one drop of blood appears. If an ending sucks in the forest and no one is there to hate it...

The fourth and final segment, "Luau", is about two Hawaiian-god worshipping gentlemen who kill the virginal daughter of a literary agent and serve her roasted corpse at a luau as part of a ritual. The god's name is pronounced "Mammaloo" and hearing actor Michael Petrovich (sleepwalking through his role) passionlessly announce it again and again is a scream.  

"Can I get some extra pineapple with my stabbed teenager?"

The wraparound story involves Donald Pleasance as a psychiatrist trying to convince a colleague that the aforementioned stories are real, and failing miserably. The doctor is declared insane and dragged away, right before his colleague is killed by Mr. Tiger. Tales from the Darkside, this isn't.  Grade:  D+



In light of the indiscretions of Those I Shall Not Name, I nod to the universe's sense of betrayal through poetry.

Sparkly vampire guy
Weeps against the bosom of
Girl who played Elle Woods

Friday, August 3, 2012

Texting with blog 'scuse me?


monica: blog scuse me got invited to someone's birthday party!!! We should go, it's this Sunday in Minnesota. You can swing that, right? 9:46 AM
tara: Awesome! I can totally swing it. We both know the drive to Minnesota is two and a half hours max. 11:33 AM
monica: It's about six hours if you count all pee breaks... But still doable! 11:35 AM
tara: Btw i am the worst vegan ever. I made a field horse carry me through the woods on a nature run. There was a lot of peeing and resentment. 11:37 AM
monica: I'm assuming the horse grabbed you by the neck and was carrying you like a baby kitten 2:56 PM
tara: I have to pee and that comment is going to make me ruin a good pair of shorts 3:17 PM
monica: Is that the long form way of saying lol? 3:18 PM
tara: You got it. Ihtpatcigtmmragpos 3:20 PM
monica: I just made that a text shortcut on my phone so any time I try to type laughing out loud in short form it will replace it with this ihtpatcigtmmragpos. 3:31 PM
(courtesy of google voice)

Thursday, August 2, 2012

When Does Autumn Start? Soon? Songs of Summer 2012

We've reached the sweet point in the season at which any mainstream artist who wanted to crank out a "summer anthem" this year has already made the effort and is now tucked in the studio prepping a holiday jam; maybe one that sounds oddly similar to Liz Phair's "Why Can't I".

Now that the kids have spent weeks rocking across Dorito-littered beaches to summery Top 40, let's pluck a few turds from the 2012 roster and examine their corresponding music videos. 

1.  Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen - Good Time

What It's About:  A man who feels the need to refer to himself as "Owl City" and Canadian songstress Jepsen do some clean livin' in the woods with kids who look like they just wrapped a photo shoot for an Urban Outfitters catalog.

Why It Sucks:  Owl City acts like a smug idiot the whole time (I don't think I've ever seen a worse lip-syncher) and seems to be having an issue with muscle control in the "magic by the campfire" sequence.  Also, the gang is obviously having three kinds of a blast but I didn't spot one bottle of liquor. Does not compute.

2.  Katy Perry - Wide Awake

What It's About: Katy Perry puts on her "sexy vampire" costume from last October and mopes amongst corny symbolism. FAME IS HARD. MEN ARE JERKS. MY INNOCENCE IS LOST. I LOOK HOT IN PURPLE.

Why It Sucks:  The scenes in the nightmare hospital are so ridiculous in their attempts to be deep and psychological that I did this upon my first watch:

Also, was the ending supposed to be a surprise?  I've been more surprised at the plot turns of an Adam Sandler movie. Katy, please stop making "art" and go back to shooting sundae toppings from your bra.

3.  Matchbox Twenty - She's So Mean

What It's About:  A beautiful, wonderful, saintly woman does everything in her power to get Matchbox Twenty to shut up.

Why It Sucks:  CG fire.  I've said enough.  But allow me to add:  Wtf is with the drummer's "feeling the holy spirit of the epic lyrics" face at 1:55?  Does he honestly believe the song warrants that?  If he ever got the opportunity to cover some Beatles, would his features collapse into his skull as he urinated confetti?

There have been heaps of serious musical failures floating around since June 20th, so stay tuned for more breakdowns. In the meantime, cleanse your palette with my latest choice for It Song/Video, a HEALTH/Eric Wareheim bit of flashy gory electro.