We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.
**Needless to say, if you haven't watched episode 2, there are spoilers below.**
Side Note: I'm not sure if you can start with a side note, but I'm doing it. I've been thinking about this Corinne/Nanny business for a week now and I think I might get it. Other household assistants (i.e. maids, butlers, &c.) only provide services like cleaning, greeting guests, preparing food but having a nanny is like paying a stranger to fulfill a mom/daughter relationship without conflicts. The only time you could disappoint your nanny is if the check doesn't clear. Otherwise, you spend time baking cookies, watching Gilmore Girls arguing about whether or not Rory is a good journalist while she teaches you how to knit. Who is suppose to hold my hand while I'm crossing the street when my mom's at work? My nanny, that's who!
Let's get into the episode!
From the opening scenes, we can see that they are plying the girls with liquor. Rachel makes a comment about only getting 2 hours of sleep. I feel like The Bachelor production team is showing their cards this season or maybe I'm just starting to notice it. Liquor plus sleep deprivation plus dehydration equals crazy girls and good "reality."
Josephine is "bursting with excitement", thankfully not hard enough to explode the clasps on her overalls, because Nick is so attractive with his "genuine nature". Can we get our hands on what I assume is a collection of VHS tapes hidden in a government vault that show this alleged genuine quality? All I've seen thus far is a languid but persistent hunger for reality show fame.
Chris Harrison stops by the mansion with a little exposition and a date card. This week will have 2 group dates and 1 one on one date.
1st Date Card - Always a Bride's Maid...
w/ Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine G., Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, Elizabeth
Nick prances up to the group wearing dark button-down and slacks, looking like a hungover lounge fly, and Lacey tells the camera he looks great, but then again, he could "wear a potato sack" and look amazing. This conjures an intriguing image because Nick is a human potato sack.
The theme of this date is wedding photos with Franco LaCosta. Franco has a rack of bridal gowns that each have a cute little theme. Vanessa is the 80's bride (my favorite dress) with Raven and Jasmine G. as her bride's maids. Alexis is our pregnant shotgun bride because after being a shark/dolphin last episode we need a shot of balancing a drink on her pregnant belly.
Alexis expresses her disappointment over this look, telling the camera she thought "shotgun bride" meant "looking hot and sexy with guns". Nineteen hundred gold stars.
Brittany is the Adam and Eve bride because that's a thing and it's not The Bachelor if they don't make one contestant get near naked on the first group date. Sarah is the Las Vegas bride. Hailey is the biker bride. Danielle L. is the boring traditional bride with Lacey as her bride's maid. Taylor is the princess bride which sadly has nothing to do with the movie. Corinne is the beach bride which involves just a bikini and a veil.
Corinne is feeling super confident about her bikini "gown" since all the other girls are all covered up in taffeta and lace. Nick won't be able to see all their lady parts. How's he supposed to know the difference between them and Chris Harrison. And then Brittany walks in with her leaf covered bikini bottoms and nothing but her long wavy hair covering her nips. Challenge accepted, Brittany. Corinne is here to win... a vacation in Mexico on the next season of Bachelor in Paradise.
Highlights of the date: 1) When the ladies march down the steps for their fake wedding photos with Nick (who appears to be wearing a suit made of mylar), the "TGIF sax" version of wedding march music plays. 2) Whoever plants one on Nick during her respective shoot gets a response that makes lukewarm corn syrup look like mulled wine. Nick should have laid out a "no kissing until Episode 4" policy when the girls first got the mansion. He is literally a dead body getting dragged around by Franco in "Weekend at Douchey's".
Corinne wins the challenge and sashays out with a triumphant giggle while the other girls applaud and smile in a rare show of sportswomanship:
(The woman in the foreground is Franco).
Corinne ups the ante for the group date after dark activities. After a thorough make out sesh (with Nick), Corinne interrupts not one but two other contestants time with Nick. Classic taboo in the TV dating world. When Taylor, the second girl to get interrupted, decides she good enough, smart enough and gosh darn-it people like her and she deserves her time with Nick. Corinne can't boss her around. Taylor comes back and asks if she can interrupt. Boosh!
I am officially fucking sick of Basic Bitch Corinne. When a person makes me long for the fang-baring "can i steal you....AGAIN" days of Olivia, there is a tremendous problem. I'm 260% sure the producers have already drafted a rider to Nick's contract forbidding him from kicking her off until she makes it to the Final Six.
Corinne's sloppy behavior gets her a safety rose, which incites well-deserved cynicism in a few of the empty-handed ladies. Quoth the Raven:
"If you want a woman who leads with her sexuality, no wonder it's your fourth time. I know that's mean, but..."
I have nothing against a person who leads with his/her sexuality and disagree with anyone getting shamed or dismissed for such, but Raven bringing up this is Nick's fourth go-round (you know, because he's a fucking failure and a half) gets her the biggest blue ribbon at the state fair.
THIS TIME'S THE CHARM, GUYZ
Quotable quote from Corinne: "When I was talking to Nick, he was, like, LISTENING. Like, guys don't LISTEN to me!"
NOBODY LISTENS TO YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A SELF-ABSORBED ASSHAT GET OFF THE SHOW AND GO TO MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER
2nd Date Card - Our Relationship is About To Take Off...
w/ Danielle M.
There is not much to say here. Typical Bachelor date: Helicopter to the yacht to the hot tub to the dinner that never gets touched. She tells Nick about losing her fiancee to drug addiction.
(Is it just me or are they rushing all the story lines they usually space out through the season? What do they have up their sleeves?)
Nick whines about getting dumped by both Andi and Kaitlyn after making it to the Final Two on their respective seasons, and how when you love you have to be vulnerable, or something. Danielle M. hangs on every word, enraptured:
When Danielle M. is getting candid with Nick about her fiance's death, he looks like he's biting his tongue to keep from saying "Ah, come on, babe, don't talk on our first date about other bros you slept with. Daaang."
3rd Date Card - We Need To Talk...
w/ Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina, Liz
Before this date, Liz tells her new friend/fellow contestant, Christen, all about her post-Jade-and-Tanner-nuptial coitus with Nick. Great idea! This won't backfire.
The theme of this date is break ups because Nick has some baggage from nine months ago that he needs to dump.Why is this girl telling another girl she slept with Nick? Girl. Shut up. She isn't your friend.— roxane gay (@rgay) January 10, 2017
Apparently, Hollywood has a Museum of Broken Relationships and when a man takes you here on your first date it means you will not make it to the final four. Prove me wrong, Nick.
We get to see a relic from Nick's history here in the museum, a dead rose and his engagement ring to Kaitlin (the second bachelorette to dump him).
It's a bit much.
Poor Christen was giddily clasping her hands, hoping they were going to be on a talk show. Instead, she's forced to visit an emo breakup exhibit and listen to Nick whine about Kaitlyn the Heart-Smashing Canadian. The producers would rather film this shit than show the gang traipsing around with Jimmy Kimmel? Okay.
All the girls get to break up with Nick in cute little skits. Astrid hands him his rose back, Kristina does some dental hygienist-esque thing, Jaimi tells him he's messy, Christen's was forgettable because I forgot it (she accuses Nick of calling her fat....um, is some latent self-shaming coming to the surface, Christen? Are you okay?), Josephine slaps him and won my heart, and Liz... oh fuck, why? Liz retells the story of them meeting at a wedding in front of all the other girls and only Christen knows it's actually true. Everyone else just thinks she's a shitty story teller/dumper.
I love Liz's turn from second one:
Liz: *cracking mini notebook* "So Nick..."
(forty minutes later)
Liz: "I came to learn that I was afraid of letting you in..."
What now lives in Pulp Fiction-esque infamy as The Liz Situation is proving itself quite the burden on Nick's good time, and the world can hear the exit limo's engine revving...
Why did I write "David Blaine" in my notes?
During group date night time activities, Nick fishes for information as to whether or not the other girls know about him and Liz's past. Christen spills the beans! She knows and Nick is not happy. After an awkward conversation with Liz, he sends her home before she can do more damage. Good job saving face, Nick. Now Nick can control the narrative of their night together as he comes clean to all the girls on group date.
Nick's to do list: Send Liz home bc she suuuucks. That's it. #TheBachelor— Juan Pablo (@juanpablofake) January 10, 2017
Liz feebly tries to explain why she never got in touch with Nick after the sex, and all she accomplishes is looking like a generic brand Julianne Moore and making no sense. When Corinne begins to look like a more valuable competitor, it's time to pack your bags. Did Liz not learn from Frasier that "we need to talk" is always a death knell?
FYI, Kristina's accent is Russian! Not knowing was killing me.
Episode Stinger: Alexis celebrates her boobs' birthday with Nick. Sigh.