Sunday, September 11, 2016

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 6

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: Since they let most of this season finale leak and then announced Nick as the bachelor last week, watching and recapping this finale is nearly pointless, but so is this blog.  

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

Week 6 (Finale):  Good Talk

Speaking of pointless, they introduce one more contestant to paradise, Tiara, the chicken enthusiast.  She didn't make it past night one on Ben's season of the bachelor so I'm guessing they assumed her odds would be just as good for BIP and why give her any chance to succeed.  Back to the "chicken enthusiast" part, her introduction on the bachelor showed that she had a pet chicken however later in this episode they show her inhaling a plate of chicken wings while they play chicken noises in the background.  Clearly, this whole season has had a five year old editing it.

If the producers told me I was getting dumped into paradise for the LAST EPISODE, with everyone and their mother already fully ensconced in their repulsive facsimiles of couplehood, I would go Full Chad and put Evan in a headlock so I could earn a sub-article in Star.  Oh, and in case you forgot:

After Nick wrestles the date card out of Tiara's hands, he asks Jen to go on the date with him.  Nick and Jen go to a carnival for Tiara's date.  At some point right outside of the carnival, they have staged a fortune teller to tell Jen and Nick exactly what the producers want them to hear.  
 Nick takes it well and we get more conversation about Nick's walls.

Nick appreciates Jen for being the "first person" to challenge him to break down those darn walls.  They make out while their beers get warm and Nick learns to be more vulnerable, or something.   I find Nick's compliments very hard to believe since Jen has the personality of a mall mannequin, and not the cool kind with painted-on features.  I mean the blank head-and-torso mannequins that model ironic newsboy caps.  

Rolled up jeans and flip flop mega star, Brett has gotten himself into something of a pickle or the floor lamp equivalent of a pickle.  A faulty switch?  He realizes that he has a better connection with Lauren than Izzy, who left Vinny to be with him.  Izzy's response is to leave paradise and call Vinny.

As Brett is dumping Izzy, she hangs her head in dismay, announces "I should go", and theeeennnn:

 Brett gets an A-octuple-plus for his reply when Izzy says she's scramming:

I love that Izzy pretends it suddenly dawned on her she made a "huge mistake" by abandoning Vinny and left Brett and company behind so she could leap back into his arms.  The ONLY REASON she wants Vinny is because Brett got her that job back at Dateless Wonders Inc.  In the end it doesn't matter because Vinny doesn't want anything to do with Izzy's ass and hangs up so she can ruminate on her uneventful and peaceful ride to the airp-

Wells has some difficult decisions to make on the final rose ceremony night.  In his love parallelogram or as Evan puts it "love quadrangle" he's got Ashley (everyone needs a Jared) I., Jami (I'm from Canada and have a Batman tattoo), and Shushanna (mathematician and sounds like Shakira when she talks).  Shushanna does not want to compete for a man's attention, which make sense why she only made it to Week 3 on the Bachelor.

I hate to play devil's advocate here (no, I don't), but this is literally what you signed up for... to fight for a guy.  I get it though, I would not fight Ashley I. for a man-boy-DJ.  Shushanna leaves pre-rose ceremony.

Apparently the ghost of Bernard Herrmann scored the moment Shushanna realizes she's not thrilled with this gig.  And I'm 45% certain she will return with her tail between her legs for Season 4.  

Rose Ceremony:
Guys choo-choo-choose this week.

Josh - Amanda
Nick - Jen
Grant - Lace
Evan - Carly
Brett - has a realization that he's not here for the right reasons and leaves (you guys....LOL)
Wells - Ashley I. (because at least he won't have to have sex with her in the fantasy suite and Wells is a gentlemen)

Bye Bye to Lauren H., Jami, and Tiara.

The next morning, Carly sings a Monty Python-esque ditty about having anxiety because it's the dreaded Fantasy Suite day.  (I can only imagine the amount of saliva ropes this will involve.)   

There is an uncomfortable amount of talk about Ashley's virginity which is entirely unnecessary.  Except maybe for Jen's comment about sitting on his...bleep?  What is it?  Cock?  Dick?  Pointed Sticks?  Oh wait, that last one's a Canadian band.

Wells realizes the amount pressure on him to steal Ashley's virginity and decides to get the fuck out of there before that's his legacy in bachelor nation.

I didn't have a great feeling about Wells' time in paradise from early on, because he has a habit of looking into the distance like this:

The emotions playing across Ashley's face when Wells says he needs to go is some of the realest shit I've seen on tv.   Jesus, Wells, you can't just go zip-lining or bird-watching with the woman, rank Hanson's albums from best to worst, and go to the Suite to order some of Josh's pizza stash and fall asleep after a few glasses of cabernet?  Oh well.  Yeah, you heard me - NO MORE PUNS.   

So if you're not keeping track, the only couples left are Amanda and Josh, Carly and Evan, Jen and Nick and Lace and Grant.  It's time for all of them to go on dates and then a night in the fantasy suite. 

Grant and Lace walk around Sayulita, trying on hats and taking selfies.  Of course, this leads to them getting a couples tattoo that says "Grace" both of their names merged to create at least a real word.  At least if it doesn't work, you can tell people you were a really big Will & Grace fan or even Grace Under Fire or someone who has more than just TV references could think of something.

Clearly, Grant and Lace are the only people left in the world who don't know this is the only name combo that makes sense to tattoo on one's body:

Jen and Nick go surfing.  I have a good feeling about this couple even though I heard he's going to be the Bachelor.  Let's talk about those walls, Nick.

The camera shows us Jen's cellulite-free butt and concave abs as Nick continues to blunder through life with his douche-scruff and dramatically squinting eyes.   

Carly and Evan, the weird couple, get some half naked painting date.  Wonderful or too much footage of Evan bulge.  Too much...

Evan lolls around in underwear that looks like it was given to him by an EMT on one of his 90 trips to the hospital.   Carly feels "liberated"; or, to more accurately phrase it, Carly claims she feels liberated.  She tells Evan at dinner that he's the type of person she "always wanted to be with".   The five-year-old editor Monica mentioned cut the end of Carly's sentence: "...on this season of Bachelor in Paradise so I could stick around until the very end and make the cover of In Touch and finally convince you we need to go on Marriage Boot Camp to make some pocket money with Tamra and Eddie Judge".  

Amanda and Josh play soccer with a bunch of kids.  Since Amanda couldn't see Josh with her kids, she gets to see him interact with some Mexican kids first.

Josh literally doesn't register as a living being in my mind unless he's making sweet, twisted love to a slice of Mama Celeste.  

After the fantasy suite:

Carly and Evan have some post-coital robe time while Evan tries to rap or rhyme uncomfortably.

The ONLY THING I will give Evan credit for here is that he doesn't lapse into Iggy Azalea-style mimicry while spitting his rhymes. 

Lace and Grant, more robes, even more uncomfortable.  Grant's all like, maybe two weeks isn't enough time to know someone to propose to them.  Completely reasonable!  Lace is crying either because her fake eyelashes are irritating her eye or this shows intense music cues are affecting her.  I'm with you, girl, cue Monica's tears as she falls for this shit.

Jen and Nick drinking mimosas.  Nick made a strong choice not to wear the hotel robe.  I appreciate that.  

Have Jen and Nick ever laughed together?  Have they ever held a conversation or simply existed next to each other without showing the viewers this?


Amanda and Josh with plates of fruit on the bed.  Josh in a grey t-shirt and black shorts and Amanda in a black nightgown, the only couple to completely disregard the hotel robes.  Josh realizes that kids "sleep in" until 8:30am.  That's not sleeping in, Amanda, that's waking up early for most people (read: without kids).

Josh begins to pull a Ben and tells the camera he and Amanda are "taking things very fast" and he has to be "mindful of [Amanda's] kids"; that may sound like he wants to make sure he doesn't screw them up emotionally by jumping into the picture before he and Amanda are sure this relationship will work (he certainly wants it to sound that way), but it really means "I have to keep in mind that Amanda has kids, and they get up when I'm usually stumbling into bed with a mouthful of Tree Tavern and a .25 BAC".  

Then the proposals happen:

We all know Carly and Evan are getting engaged and if anyone in paradise is actually getting married, it's probably them.  I wish all bachelor story lines were similar to this one.  "I feel like my heart beats to your soul." Evan, what the fuck, when did you get so soulful?  

Eww.  Gross, Carly.  Stop it!

Carly's face when Evan unleashes his "beats to your soul" line:

And, in loving loverly triumph, Carly and Evan roll into the sunset.  Half of Evan's shirt is inexplicably unbuttoned and the nation shakes a Grandpa Simpson fist in protest.  Carly can't wait to move into Evan's house so she can "cook dinners", "sit on his patio", and "MEET HIS CHILDREN".  Ummm you guys are getting married so I hope that third part isn't a letdown. 

Lace and Grant (even though Lace could of had a whirlwind romance with Chad) get engaged.

I'm willing to bet seven thousand dollars that TMZ will run footage of Grant slipping into a plastic surgeon's office to get laser tattoo removal before the year is over. 

Jen and Nick... what's happening?  Is this perfectly boring couple NOT getting engaged?  Nick is the next bachelor, you say?  Well, I did not see this coming! 

Jen enters in a crop top as the "Chris Harrison Shows' Theme" plays:

 Nick "bursts into tears" (he is a worse fake crier than the Olsen twins were in the 90s) and says that "something is tellling [him] to say goodbye" to Jen.  Correct - Chris Harrison's offer to become the next Bachelor.   Jen takes off in the Rejectmobile and I guess she's crying or whatever; who cares.

Amanda and Josh get engaged and now I'm seriously concerned about her and her children.  Good Talk.

When Josh is giving his Big Speech to Amanda and says, "When I walked down those steps on that first day, and I saw you, and I thought..." I genuinely expect him to say "...I wanna hit that".  

Josh and Amanda gush to the camera about their engagement and we see that Josh has soaked through yet another dress shirt. 

Last but not least, epilogues!  Highlight:  Nia Peeples aka Caila and Jerkface Poop aka Jared decided to "just be friends". 

Well now that this show is over, I'm going to go make out with a pizza.  

So many questions are left unanswered.  Why did Tara's title for these posts make zero sense?  What does Bachelor in Paradise have to do with Christmas?  How sweaty is Josh in not Mexico?  Is Amanda okay with Josh's "alleged" emotional abuse?  Does Evan really have kids or only when they are convenient?  Will the fourth season of this show make even less sense?  How single is Chris Harrison?  Which couple's wedding will ABC actually pay to air?  Does anybody have Daniel's phone number?  Can me and the Twins be best friends?

Episode Stinger:  Jorge gives us love advice, and his 30 seconds of comments reach an entertaining poignancy that Nick hasn't come close to on three different goddamned reality shows.

Sunday, September 4, 2016

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 5

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: Where is Chris Harrison?

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

Week 5:  Wells that didn't last long.

The show opens with more Ashley-Jared-Caila drama... Ugh

I don't know if it's obvious yet, but I have a growing disdain for Caila.  This does not mean that I excuse the behavior of Ashley or Jared.  Caila, however, has no depth and it might be a conscious effort on her part to look "good" on television, just keep smiling and if it gets awkward just smile harder and no one will see how ugly you are on the inside.  She's done some not so cool things and everyone seems to be able to look past that since she has great hair and Ashley's a mess.  Lest we forget Caila is kind of at fault for this whole mess.  If you have a "friend" or acquaintance who is obsessed with a guy to the point that every other word that comes out of her mouth is "Jared" and she specifically asks you not to pursue a relationship with this guy you have never met.  Maybe don't go on a date with him and then when you two are all cuddly tell her, well you weren't interested but then you talked to him.  You know what that means.  That means your promises are shit, Caila! 

What I'm trying to say is this whole thing is a mess and everyone is at fault.

Caila tells Ashley that Jared "loves" her:  "You're like a sister to him".  Ashley's murderous head tilt in reaction to that comment speaks for at least 25 of the world's nations.  

Ashley simply has to sit Jared down again and sob until she can barely breathe while Jared is like:


Ashley summons her dead dog, Lucy to help her find a boy that will get her over Jared.

Lucy sends Wells, from JoJo's season and maybe my future boyfriend.

When Wells descends from heaven in his curlicued glory, Daniel declares, "Well, well, Wells!".  Can we get Daniel a terrifying Kids in the Hall-esque show on IFC with John Dunsworth and Rick Moranis?   

Everyone is excited that Wells is finally here.  This might be Jared only shot at happiness.   Hey Caila, who do you think Wells should take on his date?

Did you know Wells has a lot of dogs on his Instagram?  It's true.

Jared & The Gang react with their usual subtlety and grace when Wells asks Ashley on the date:

Highlights of the Wells/Ashley date:
They actually eat the food on their plates.  Even a stray dog gets some table scraps (Wells' 'dog voice' - wow.  Marry me, sir).  Ashley's favorite band is Hanson!

Yes, Rory Gilmore, Hanson is still together.

While Ashley and Wells have their fun, Caila caresses Jared's arm and gives it this weird, appraising series of squeezes before Jared climbs on her to make a scrunchy-faced, disingenuous child or whatever the fuck they're up to these days.   They discuss the possibility of leaving the show soon to recede into romantic splendor aka dunderheaded fakery that is doomed to get torn apart by Ashley and Jared's friendship.  

Lace and Grant get in a fight when Lace starts talking to Carl and teases Grant about not getting a rose.  Grant and Carl are both firefighters that are covered in tattoos, is it possible Lace with a little tequila and her fake eyelashes melting off couldn't tell who she was talking to? 

A storm has begun to brew, guys: The "Josh and Nick fight you've all been waiting for".  I certainly haven't been waiting for it, because Nick is not Alex from JoJo's season.  Nick has no interest in glaring and puffing his chest at a pizza-munching sociopath unraveling under the weight of the HGH.  Nick wants to sit on beds with the most boring woman alive and talk about what steps she takes to get ready for bed.  I'm one step away from finding Carl more interesting than Nick, and I don't clearly remember what Carl looks like as I type this.  

On to Evan and Carly and the most hilarious exchange of dialogue so far this season:

Evan:  This is really, really hard, but..I'm totally falling in love with you.
Carly:  *struggling not to explode into derisive guffaws* I'M TOTALLY FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU, TOO." 

I'm certain Carly was trying to tell him she was totally falling in love with U2 after watching the tide roll in one dark night while looping "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me".   

Sweet Daniel is desperate for a rose and amazing at playing this game.  First, he made bracelets for the twins.  Follows that up with a wonderful platter of "" for Haley.  Onion rings, chicken fingers, french fries, it's all there.

Knowing Izzy's predilection for men with lamps, he brings her a shinier taller version of Brett's lamp.   
I'm deeply concerned that Izzy doesn't know the difference between watts and volts. 

Actual quote from Brett: "Who needs a lamp when you've got Izzy's lips?".  OKAY.  I hate Brett and I just realized he's the second coming of Mason from *batteries not included:

 "If a package washes up on the shore, it's my denim capris from Hollister."

Rose Ceremony:
Ladies give out the roses and Chris Harrison makes his only appearance this week. 

Carly - Evan  (Carly's detached long sleeves are making me nervous)
Ashley - Wells
Jen - Nick (I'm getting suspicious that Jen is literally an embalmed corpse controlled by puppeteers and everyone's too caught up in their own drama to notice.)
Izzy - Brett
Caila - Jared
Lace - Grant
Amanda - Josh
Haley - NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo, don't leave us!

The twins are done with paradise.  Which means Daniel, Ryan, and Carl are leaving as well.



Emily and Haley take Amanda aside and in between sobbing warn her about the scary side of Josh.  After they leave, all hell breaks loose.  The twins are geniuses!  What an amazing time to provoke drama!  As you are leaving the country!  Peace out, bitches!  

Josh when he sees the Twins leading Amanda away to "talk":

What they left in paradise?  A shouting match between Josh and Nick.  Josh mentioning his dog's cancer as evidence that Andi's tell-all book is full of lies and he's here for the right reasons.  I may have misunderstood him it's hard to read between the cliches.  Amanda sticks by Josh's side even though she's been in bad relationships before she thinks she's a good judge of character.  The eternal optimist.

Josh addresses the crowd and lets everyone know he's "really frustrated right now" and he's got a "genuine relationship with [Amanda] right now".   Nick chimes in that he's having some doubts concerning this alleged "genuine" spirit and Josh lets it roll off his back:

Josh thinks Nick wants to sabotage his and Amanda's bliss because he's jealous.  Amanda lingers on the sidelines and cries and Caila sits next to her, contributing the usual black chasm of zilch.   Evan stands between Josh and Nick as they argue, begging to get another shirt ripped.

Caila walks by a sidebar conversation between Lace, Grant, Wells, and Ashley.  As Caila walks away, Lace says, "I can't stand her."  This is the first time they have let something negative about Caila be said by someone who isn't Ashley.  What else are they leaving out?  This is not isolated.  No one seemed shocked by Lace's comment.  

Next morning, when Wells is the only person awake and Jami from Ben's season shows up, she's asks him on a date before Ashley wakes up.  Everyone assumes Ashley is going to get hysterical when she finds out, but what they don't seem to recognize is that Wells is not Jared so she doesn't give a shit. 

I forget Jami exist as I watch her onscreen.  So....dull.  It shatters my heart to acknowledge that Jami and Jen are wandering around in the same paradise-iverse. 

Caila and Ashley have another stupid conversation.  Caila asks if Ashley would ever trust her.  Seriously?  You promised her off-screen that you had no interest in Jared and then you changed your mind and you expect to be friends with Ashley.  Maybe this is weird editing, but I don't understand this stupid conversation.  Ashley, just say no!  So Caila, after creating this mess, starts to realize the only way to save face is to bounce.  GTFO Caila! that welt on Caila's butt really from Jared smacking her?  NOT COOL.  Jared is incredibly overdue to take a giant piece of driftwood on the chin-wisps.  

She goes to Jared, tells him she's leaving and he's like I need to go talk to Ashley about this.  Really Jared, you need check with Ashley first.  This makes me think Ashley isn't completely fabricating her relationship with Jared.  Ashley has a celebratory taco before Jared slowly chases after Caila's car without packing.

Did Jared leave his stuff in paradise?  Will Caila finally tell him to shave his stupid face?  

Un-exaggerated quote from Ashley:  "Everyone here loves Jared because he is the most wonderful person we've all ever met".  


Ashley sobs herself into a coma as she tells Carly and Evan that she "just lost one of her best friends".  Carly replies, "It's all gonna work out.  Everything works out the way it's supposed to, Ashley".  Things Carly needs to get reminded about:

- Police brutality
- 9/11

Wells romps back from his magical Batman date with Jami and feels the need to have a conversation with Ashley because he's attracted to Jami and is well aware of Ashley's "emotional fragility".  I'm starting to miss Josh.  

Izzy, about Brett:  "I look at him and think he's just this perfect guy".  Izzy always has this face on like she's about to sneeze or gag and I hate her.  She wouldn't know perfection if it bashed her in the pineapples. 

Enter Lauren, schoolteacher from Ben's season.  She says Brett's outfit looks like a "prison suit" and very quickly earns 900 gold stars.  

Boring-ass Shoshanna traipses into paradise and yoinks Wells.  She comes on clownishly strong after knowing him for two minutes ("You'll protect me [from the crabs].  I'll take you to the shower with me").  Meanwhile, Lauren steals Brett for a double date with Shoshanna and Wells; Izzy's worry and sadness in light of this make her nauseated.  NOW we're in business! Izzy's pain is my gain. 

The foursome go surfing and Brett comments on the smokin' hot women who've accompanied him:  "Today I brought my beeches to the beaches!".  OH MY GOD BRETT I FUCKING DESPISE YOUR ASS.

Lauren is flat-eyed and has a habit of twisting her mouth when she talks; this combo makes her look like she's trying to maintain composure while watching a dying bull shark thrash through the sand.

In Carly-and-Evan Land, Carly gives Evan a boner that requires a censor's black box....

Amanda wears a tank top that says "Hot Sauce" and Josh continues to sweat profusely as Amanda dreams of getting engaged to him.  

Josh takes Amanda on a date and tells her she's his best friend and that he's falling in love with her.  Cut to spectacular fireworks and Josh apparently not sweating through his shirt for the first time this season.  

Grant and Brett do this when Brett comes back from the double date and it's sublime:

We're getting SO DAMN CLOSE to the rip-roaring two-night finale!  Proposals galore!  Shoshanna-sobbing!  Nick's fortieth engagement ring purchase in five years!   This will be like infinity Christmases crashing into each other in my living room.  

Episode Stinger:  Brett destroys the lamp.  




Sunday, August 28, 2016

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 4

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: Where Chris Harrison gets to openly mock ex-Bachelor contestants.

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

Week 4:  St. Yawn-mo's Fire

What the fuck is with the pseudo-sexual, culture-appropriating introduction they taped for Ashley?! 



Ashley's tears crash down on the spirits of everybody in paradise.  Jared attempts to crawl into himself and when that doesn't work he tries to be clear with her that he has no romantic feeling for her.

Sweet Jared, Ashley has a point, Caila wanted to be the next Bachelorette not date a guy who's dead behind the eyes from Rhode Island.  

My favorite part of this episode was Jared trying to explain to Caila that the Ashley thing is no longer an issue while Ashley is audibly crying in the background.

Actual quote from Ashley, to Jared (JARED - we all remember his appearance and personality combo coming at ya like IBS and plantar warts, right?):  "Nothing makes me happier than being with you!" Ashley lives a more miserable existence than Zelda from Ethan Frome and saintly Jorge yet again suffers for it when she retreats to the bar to sob her eyelash extensions into an inky paste. 

After the commercial break, we see Josh EATING PIZZA AGAIN (my organs are failing), the Twins delighting the rest of the gang with Riverdance, and Carly forcing herself to pretend she's suddenly attracted to Evan so she can stay in paradise and wait for a new hunkalicious competitor to show up. 

With everyone coupling up, the twins, Sarah, and Ashley have to battle for Daniel's rose.
So who will it be, Daniel?  Will it be Sarah, who baked you half of a birthday cake "for your half birthday, Daddy?"  So uncomfortable with the use of daddy in this circumstance.  Will it be Haley who was coerced by Emily (her twin) to kiss Daniel?  Will it be Ashley with her melting tearful face getting real with Daniel?  

Although, Daniel calling Jared ugly while talking to Ashley, let's talk about this.  Daniel gets so real.  Jared's fucking facial hair is killing me!  Chris Harrison himself told him to shave that shit and this fucking asshole just grew it back.  Guess what if it was patchy the first time, it's gonna be patchy the second. 

I'm with Monica here - Daniel is the realest motherfucker since Chad, but Daniel is superior to Chad because he's able to have an analytical conversation with another human being without 1) eating cold cuts or 2) immediately making a mortal enemy of that person and of the audience.  Daniel is a fascinating soul.  Are you an "old" virgin?  Have sex with ten guys in a month and chances are you'll find something that sticks.  Also, sex with a virgin is comparable to vanquishing Charlie.  Daniel McGuire is a jaw-droppingly terrifying man and I'm starting to think he should take over when Conan O'Brien retires. 

Rose Ceremony:
Guys are dishing out the roses...

Grant - Lace
Josh - Amanda
Nick - Jen (Oh yeah, them.  I forgot they'd coupled up and also that they existed.)
Vinny - Izzy
Evan - Carly
Jared - Caila (Ashley is so correct:  Caila "smiles when you don't have to smile".  She's utterly carefree, which is always a sign of being a spiritless turd.) 
Daniel - Haley

Ashley and Sarah get sent home (Sarah probably baked the other half of that cake and cut it with this when she got home) ...  First off, Ashley promised to vomit in Caila's gorgeous hair if Caila was given Jared's rose, so... huge disappointment.  Then, Ashley just comes back to Paradise.

As the group is celebrating love or whatever the fuck they're doing, Ashley sidles up and asks the group if she can come back...   WTF!  That's a thing?  You can just ask if you can stay!  So while behind the camera the production team is holding everyone's contract over a lighter, they quickly agree to letting Ashley ruin Jared shot at "love."  Caila's face is the best, though.

As fake as all her smiles are, this is the one she reserves for her enemies.    

I'm certain Chris Harrison entered a rage-levitation and hurled his body like a laundry bag in front of the SUV carrying Ashley away.  No way in HELL is she going home so soon.  Not while reality TV's answer to Don Corleone is in charge.

Next morning, enter a bunch of unmemorable dudes from Bachelorette's past, named Carl and Brett.  

Brett continues his "hilarious" tradition of arriving with a floor lamp and I am immolated by my own hatred.  Lace's evaluation, "Those pants and flip-flops, though", earn her two Olympic medals. 

Brett is totally into Caila, so Jared is freaking out while Ashley is preemptively celebrating Jared's heartbreak.  

Evan's pithy observation:  "Brett came in with a lamp, and Caila flipped the switch on Jared".  Here is a photo of a person who's funnier than Evan:


Caila agrees to go on a date with Brett... waits for Jared's weak but understanding response (which I'm assuming Caila wanted Jared to piss on her and claim her as his property).  So Caila declines Brett's offer and then she wants to go on the date and then doesn't and then she does and then she doesn't and after forever she finally agrees to go.  Ugh... Caila, this is why you didn't get Bachelorette, you're the Jared of female contestants.  

When Caila is first expressing interest in going on a date with Brett, she says to Jared, "I like you, but...I don't know" and it is the most hetero cis male response of all time.  I'm tempted to respect her for this unintentional revenge tactic on behalf of feminists.  The ambivalence that follows, however, shows how much of a twee little attention hog she is and I want to throw her (underhand, as if I'm back in grammar school trying in vain to sink a basketball) into the choppy waves. 

All things considered, Jared takes Caila's final decision pretty well:

Booze Cruise!!!!  And no one can remember Carl's name, but Emily is totally into Kevin...Clark...Curt...Scott... CARL!!
While Caila is on her date, Ashley moves in on Jared.  Unfortunately, Caila is not grinding with Brett and having a great time like Emily is with Carl.  Caila spends too much time on the boat being a Debbie downer and talking to Brett about how much she wishes she stayed with Jared.  (I'm trying so hard not to hate Caila, but she makes it so hard.)  

Brett just wants to go Magic Mike on Caila so she'll ride him like Seabiscuit, and she responds:

Then she returns to paradise and starts making out with Jared and Ashley yet again recedes into her chasm of love-starved despair. 

The most vanilla person who ever lived, Ryan, suddenly appears to find love and Jared leaps at the chance to dump his stalker on someone.  MISSION FAILED so here comes the Bearded Bland-O creepin on Haley and scoring a date, to Daniel's chagrin.  Haley is very eager to hang out with Ryan because the Canadian Don Juan makes her want to cough gobs of puke into the air, totally unbeknownst to him.   Ryan's claim to Bachelor Nation fame is being forgettable and he follows through here.  I kept forgetting he was on the magical horse date with Haley.  

Then a rogue Grant and Lace appear and get heavenly massages and sip champagne in the hot tub.  Grant dumps the love bomb on Lace and she bursts into tears of joy but can't reciprocate his feelings yet, which is obviously fine.  What ISN'T fine is Izzy's wandering schmoopie-eye.  Izzy thinks Brett is "beautiful" and suddenly seems to think Vinny is sort of cool or whatever but basically as attractive as a colonoscopy. Izzy sits Vinny down and tells him she's "only 75%" into him and wants to "be 100%".   Vinny has to understand that Izzy totally sees herself being 100% with a lamp-toting doofus she's known for literally 15 minutes.   Vinny reacts by mentioning Brett's rolled-up jeans and sandals to the camera while simmering with wounded anger.  A+++++++

Grant keeps the lighting-related hilarity rolling by telling the camera, "Some guy walked in a with a lamp, and.....a light bulb went off in Izzy's head, I guess".  (Do these guys get paid by the pun?) Carly astutely observes that if Izzy dumped Vinny based solely on looks, her feelings for Vinny from the get-go were most likely some fluffy-ass bullshit. 

 Looks like nobody was in it to Vin it!

And now, the "dramatic new" second helping:

Vinny gently confronts Izzy about her opportunism and Izzy stares at him like this before sobbing at his farewell announcement:

 Evan pours sympathy into the tropical air because the gang just saw their "first breakup".  Uh, Evan, Carly has already broken up with you 4-7 times; wake up.  

Out of nowhere, Jade and Tanner!  The gang is invigorated by the living proof that you can find everlasting love in paradise.  (I will bet you ten thousand dollars they'll divorce before good old "School to Prison Pipeline" Clinton ends her first term.  If you didn't get enough of Jade and Tanner, see them on the upcoming season of Celebrity Marriage Boot Camp.  Not kidding.)  The marrieds start sniffing around to determine who's clicking and who isn't, dragging us into Operation RIP Lace and Grant. 

Ashley tells J&T that Caila is a "fake person" and is certain her buddies won't give Caila and Jared a date card because they've "always had a soft spot for [Ashley] and Jared".  Fifteen seconds later, to nobody's surprise but Ashely's, they enthusiastically toss Disney Kid and AshKutch the date card.  TOTES HILAR. 

Caila is totally provoking Ashley!  If someone wants to claw your eyes out, maybe don't rub your relationship with her obsession in her face.  Watch a couple Lifetime TV movies, people get murdered for less.
Meanwhile, the gang continues to fall apart; Jen tells Nick he "put[s] a wall up".  If she means a wall of soporific timidity, kudos to her. 

Jared frolics in the moonlit water with Caila on their date and says he can "see what Ben was talking about":  There's just sooomething about that Caila that drives him wild.  Knowing Jared, here's the three-part "something": 1.  Smiles for no reason
2.  Zero percent body fat
3.  Awful

Carly and Evan participate in an intense spiritual ritual and the beckoning of The Rose is so loud in Carly's ears that she tells Evan she's "falling more and more for [him]".   They make out in the sweat lodge and Carly is apparently no longer scarred by the Pepper Incident.  Well, either that, or she recently spent four hours in Chris Harrison's dressing room as he snapped, "Seriously?  Who ELSE is going to love you?! Just take the bait and stretch that 15 minutes of fame, you jabronie".  

Ugh, watching Carly and Evan make out makes me feel like Haley after she kissed Daniel.  Carly really needs to stop mentioning her "lady boner."

Caila tells Jared that Ashley is in love with him and Jared sheepishly replies, "Well, I don't know if she's IN LOVE with me."    Jared....

Ashley tells Jared that it looks like he's more into Caila than she's into him and stupid Jared immediately runs up to Caila alludes to people telling him they are questioning Caila's interest in him.  People, Jared?  You mean Ashley.  Then begins another stupid conversation between Caila and Ashley.  This is all over Jared?!?!?  Where the fuck is Wells?  I need this stupid triangle to end or become a parallelogram.

What say you, Week 5?!  Will Lace admit she's not that into Grant's chiseled jaw and pack her bags?  Will Josh smash a steaming Digiorno in Nick's face as they scream at each other about Amanda?   Is Haley finally going to execute this pop culture nudge??


Until next time, Stay Daniel my friends!

Friday, August 19, 2016

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 3

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: How Chris Harrison gets paid vacations from ABC.

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

Week 3:  The exciting continuation to Evan's humiliation tour.

The best thing to come out of Evan awkwardly prying Josh and Amanda's lips apart to ask Amanda on a date is the 5 minutes of screen time they spend on Josh consuming a greasy pizza.  Apparently the pizza is Mexico is "pretty darn good", but you don't have to take my word for it.

 Evan toddling across the beach in his thong flip-flops toward Amanda's and Josh's liplock was a stellar opener.   Quote of 2016 from, of all people, Vinny:  "I just wanna shake Evan and say, 'Just stop being the awkward dick doctor'."  A.D.D. leads Amanda away for white wine and dinner and Amanda is so overwhelmed by how pathetic he is that she dissolves into tears.  

I believe they served Josh Ellio's as a joke and he still eats it like he's getting an otherworldly blowjob because he's ten sheets to the wind.  When he insincerely furrows his brow at Amanda in the aftermath of her "date" with Evan and says "Don't cry" (chewing with his mouth open, no less) he becomes the most punchable reality tv figure since....well, Evan.

There is something about Josh that just makes me want to slap him.  I hate you so much you disgusting beautiful garbage angel.  Slap!

Let's not forget how sweaty Josh is.
He looks greased up like a Tongan flag bearer... Slap

I know they are trying to build suspense as to whether Josh will give Evan another nose bleed, but Josh has no depth so he keeps spitting out cliches and saying nothing.  Even Evan feels like he's talking to a mannequin.  (Great movie by the way.)  Actually Evan says some shit about him hiding behind inspirational quotes and someday he'll explode.  Spoiler Alert!

Rose Ceremony #2 

Ladies pick this week:
Lace - Grant
Izzy - Vinny
Emily - Jared
Amanda - Josh
Sarah - Daniel
Carly - Evan
Haley - Nick

Bye, Bye Brandon and Christian.  We hardly knew you.

The producers keep playing Josh's "pizza sex" grunt and I'm a touch perturbed.  He sits at the Rose Ceremony in the absolute nadir of hyperhydrosis as Chris Harrison and Carly look on in revulsion. 

Christian declares that he will do "anything [he] possibly can" to get Sarah's rose.  Mission FAILED because here comes Maple Syrup McGee aka Daniel!   He shows Sarah how "giddy" she makes him by shaking his feet and getting stung in the chin by a bee.  I can't help but recall that Sarah is one of the people Daniel thought was ugly their first day in paradise. This is truly a John Hughes film.

Evan reappears to Amanda and spills the beans about former Bachelorette Andi's tell-all book, which paints Josh as an "abuser".  He's a bona fide frozen pizza abuser, that's for damn sure.   Josh overhears that Evan is talking shit about him and responds by looking exactly like this:

He confronts Evan and insists he's just a guy "trying to make a positive impact".  (I think he means that he's preparing to make a "positive impact" on Evan's skull with his fists.)   

Evan's "I am hearing you out" face when Josh is pleading his case:

Amanda tells the camera, "If somebody wanted to come up and, like, warn me about somebody, I would usually listen".  I'd love to get the opportunity to meet Amanda so I could warn her that Tom Hanks subsists on a diet of human flesh; she'd probably listen. 

Evan laments that he always gets "stuck in this self-assigned protector role".  Honey?  Who are you protecting!?  Evan is quite literally Scrappy Doo and the nation is weary.

If Carly was not into Evan, she's made a huge mistake giving him a rose this week because Evan thinks he's got a second chance at winning her heart and I'm one thousand percent on board for this inexplicable coupling.

I think Carly is the most heinous person alive for giving Evan that "PLATONIC!!" rose.  Granted, she hasn't known Evan that long, but she's been exposed to enough of his delicate radiation to assume that no action she takes will be interpreted as platonic.  Stabbing him with a more-than-willing crab would be seen by Evan as a marriage proposal.  

Brandon going home .0000009 seconds after arriving: Bless you, ABC.   

Caila arrives!  Cue the birds.  Thankfully, she reminds us that she's sex panther.  

Caila asks Jared on her date because for some reason everyone loves Jared.  Jared, our dollar store Ashton Kutcher, who is the equivalent to eating pancakes at a waffle party.  I should leave the insults to Tara. (My assessment:  Insult totally accurate.)

This of course breaks Emily's heart and since the twins are the best part of this show right now, I'm pissed!  Emily, Jared is boring and you need a man who has a personality and that is not something you will find in paradise.

Lace declares that she "might have to slap a bitch" if Caila asks Grant on a date.  Be careful Lace; don't get arrested for child abuRIMSHOT.   Emily correctly identifies Caila as condescending when she isn't even sure what "condescending" means.  Sometimes all you need is instinct, Emily (also, Emily's bleeped-out reaction when Caila asks Jared on a date speaks for every single one of us).   Go the fuck home, Disney princess!   

Am I in the middle of a fever dream or did a cartoon bear in a Charmin commercial just call someone "Skids"?  Oh my GOD.   

After a momentary flash of pain, we're back to the show:  Jared pulls Emily aside and pretty much asks for her permission to go on the date with Caila.  Emily gives him her blessing because she's chill like that.  However, she continues to offer her scathing review of Caila's behavior (to my utter delight):  "Everything is like a pageant queen and it's almost fake".  Take out the word "almost" and you're right on the money, Emily! 

Jared's date with 2-month-old Caila is the "best date he's been on in paradise": making horses walk through ocean water.  Caila looks at Jared with "those big brown eyes" and Jared replies:

Oh yeah, and then Daniel drinks out of Vinny's belly button.  He's Canadian, it's okay.

I have to disagree with Monica here; my dry heaves almost made me lose consciousness.

Carly comparing herself and Sarah to Statler and Waldorf:  twelve thousand Roger Ebert stars.

Jared and Caila triumphantly return to the group and Emily is STRESSED because Jared has started dickishly ignoring her. Hayley wears cute little Star Wars buns in her hair and tells Emily that Jared "seems really comfortable around [Caila] and really nervous around [Emily]".  I think Jared is nervous around Emily because he's frantically trying to figure out how to hook up with Caila without Emily noticing. 

Jared shockingly acts like an adult, albeit a shitty adult, and drops the bomb on Emily that he wants to "explore things" with Caila.  In response, Emily unleashes this beyond-quotable quote to the camera, while in tears:

"I always meet these great guys and they never pick me.  They always pick someone way uglier than me so there must be something wrong with me."

Jared better watch is back, because cosmic revenge is a dish best served Ashley.   

  The two most boring couples go on the FIRST EVER DOUBLE DATE in paradise.  That's right Vinny, Izzy, Grant, and Lace go to the discotheque for a foam party.  Nothing interesting happens.  Lace almost gets into a fight and Grant shuts it down.  Meh. 

Vinny wears a button down shirt with a "lipstick mark" print and I want to bend at the waist while casually puking.   Izzy is, and I quote, "in it to Vin it".  STOP EXISTING ON THIS SHOW.  

Sarah and Carly not to be outdone invite Daniel and Evan to have their own double date which consists of them just playing drinking games.  Then Evan has some sort of "medical" issue where Carly has to sleep in his bed with him.  It's science.  You're not supposed to understand it.

Evan tries to do a push-up with Carly sitting on his back and shows the world he is fifteen times weaker than Mr. Burns.  

Evan throwing himself at an ambivalent Carly while loaded (and after wasting paramedics' time) is unequivocally terrifying.

Back to Amanda and Josh:

The producers do the old "train speeding into the tunnel" bit while Amanda seals the deal with Josh.  They also play back Amanda's moans of pleasure.  I will never turn on my TV again.  

The next morning Josh celebrates his sexual victory by dropping a cream cheese bagel on his crotch.  

There haven't been enough tears this season.  Where the fuck is Ashley I?
Aww, there she is!  Sorry, Jared, the fun and games are over.  Hey, here's an idea, why don't you grow up and be honest with the women in your life as opposed to stringing them along.  

Chris Harrison is pleased as punch to see Ashley and it's adorable.   Exchange of the decade:

Chris:  The's that going? 

Ashley I:  Well my goal for this season is to only cry three times.

Chris:  A day...

Ashley I:  No, three times, ever.  Total!   

Jared's reaction when Ashley appears to the gang:

The Twins tell Ashley they've never seen Jared so "excited and assertive to go after [Caila]" and Ashley begins her emotional armageddon as the camera lingers on her 9-inch eyelashes.    

Ashley cries for at least 40 minutes of the show.  She's goes on her date with Daniel and it goes surprisingly well.  

Carly, to the camera:  "Ashley, always crying...running around, crying." 

False.  Sometimes Ashley takes a quick break from crying and running around to engage in David Berkowitz-esque conversations with a parrot.  

Jorge, the bartender, gives Ashley the silver lining to a date with Daniel as opposed to no-tits-Jared.

Is it possible that Jared never went further with Ashley because he disagreed with her choice of favorite color?  Or maybe it was her favorite number?

A tropical storm hits the island as Ashley and Daniel wander off to dinner.  Ashley breaks the ice with, "So, other than being Canadian, what do you do?"  AWESOME.  Daniel confirms that he primarily drinks maple syrup.  Ultimately, Ashley gets kidnapped because she's a virgin and Daniel is left to nibble his poutine alone.

Jared is starting to get frustrated because Caila is "holding back" emotionally and the audience can't help but drown in "Ben's Season" nostalgia.  I wonder if Caila is at long last going to embrace her love for Jared, creep up behind him like a carefree little Hobbit, and get tossed to the curb.

Josh and Amanda were reminding me of something I couldn't put my finger on.  It finally hit me:  RichandAmy from the Zits comic strip I read in college:

Jen shows up in Paradise and I barely remember her.

Jen asks coffee-n-abs Nick on her date.  Yadda yadda yadda they're in love this week.

The paradise crabs return, and they want Nick's mortal soul!   

Evan goes to the hospital in his last ditch effort to get Carly to fall in love with him and astonishingly it might be working.  

 Evan's ankles are swollen so he has to go back to the hospital; he eagerly accepts Carly's quarter-assed offer to go along.  

I am certain the producers paid a Mexican hospital $300,000 to play along with this bullshit.  Oxygen mask, IV, ambulance wail, the whole megillah - for mildly swollen ankles.  Daniel got speared in the face by a fucking nocturnal jungle insect and not a single eye was batted. 

Ashley is dealing with Jared's romantic fuckery quite well:

She pulls Jared aside to frantically beg for his love and he reacts with typical maturity and compassion:

Will poor Ashley ever find another Jared?  What the hell did Vinny say about Izzy that's making them both act like they just watched the end of Hachi?  Is Jen an actual  person or do the interns keep propping a cardboard cutout from American Apparel next to Nick?  Find out next week on Schmachelor in Jorgedise!