Sunday, August 28, 2016

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 4

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: Where Chris Harrison gets to openly mock ex-Bachelor contestants.

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

Week 4:  St. Yawn-mo's Fire

What the fuck is with the pseudo-sexual, culture-appropriating introduction they taped for Ashley?! 



Ashley's tears crash down on the spirits of everybody in paradise.  Jared attempts to crawl into himself and when that doesn't work he tries to be clear with her that he has no romantic feeling for her.

Sweet Jared, Ashley has a point, Caila wanted to be the next Bachelorette not date a guy who's dead behind the eyes from Rhode Island.  

My favorite part of this episode was Jared trying to explain to Caila that the Ashley thing is no longer an issue while Ashley is audibly crying in the background.

Actual quote from Ashley, to Jared (JARED - we all remember his appearance and personality combo coming at ya like IBS and plantar warts, right?):  "Nothing makes me happier than being with you!" Ashley lives a more miserable existence than Zelda from Ethan Frome and saintly Jorge yet again suffers for it when she retreats to the bar to sob her eyelash extensions into an inky paste. 

After the commercial break, we see Josh EATING PIZZA AGAIN (my organs are failing), the Twins delighting the rest of the gang with Riverdance, and Carly forcing herself to pretend she's suddenly attracted to Evan so she can stay in paradise and wait for a new hunkalicious competitor to show up. 

With everyone coupling up, the twins, Sarah, and Ashley have to battle for Daniel's rose.
So who will it be, Daniel?  Will it be Sarah, who baked you half of a birthday cake "for your half birthday, Daddy?"  So uncomfortable with the use of daddy in this circumstance.  Will it be Haley who was coerced by Emily (her twin) to kiss Daniel?  Will it be Ashley with her melting tearful face getting real with Daniel?  

Although, Daniel calling Jared ugly while talking to Ashley, let's talk about this.  Daniel gets so real.  Jared's fucking facial hair is killing me!  Chris Harrison himself told him to shave that shit and this fucking asshole just grew it back.  Guess what if it was patchy the first time, it's gonna be patchy the second. 

I'm with Monica here - Daniel is the realest motherfucker since Chad, but Daniel is superior to Chad because he's able to have an analytical conversation with another human being without 1) eating cold cuts or 2) immediately making a mortal enemy of that person and of the audience.  Daniel is a fascinating soul.  Are you an "old" virgin?  Have sex with ten guys in a month and chances are you'll find something that sticks.  Also, sex with a virgin is comparable to vanquishing Charlie.  Daniel McGuire is a jaw-droppingly terrifying man and I'm starting to think he should take over when Conan O'Brien retires. 

Rose Ceremony:
Guys are dishing out the roses...

Grant - Lace
Josh - Amanda
Nick - Jen (Oh yeah, them.  I forgot they'd coupled up and also that they existed.)
Vinny - Izzy
Evan - Carly
Jared - Caila (Ashley is so correct:  Caila "smiles when you don't have to smile".  She's utterly carefree, which is always a sign of being a spiritless turd.) 
Daniel - Haley

Ashley and Sarah get sent home (Sarah probably baked the other half of that cake and cut it with this when she got home) ...  First off, Ashley promised to vomit in Caila's gorgeous hair if Caila was given Jared's rose, so... huge disappointment.  Then, Ashley just comes back to Paradise.

As the group is celebrating love or whatever the fuck they're doing, Ashley sidles up and asks the group if she can come back...   WTF!  That's a thing?  You can just ask if you can stay!  So while behind the camera the production team is holding everyone's contract over a lighter, they quickly agree to letting Ashley ruin Jared shot at "love."  Caila's face is the best, though.

As fake as all her smiles are, this is the one she reserves for her enemies.    

I'm certain Chris Harrison entered a rage-levitation and hurled his body like a laundry bag in front of the SUV carrying Ashley away.  No way in HELL is she going home so soon.  Not while reality TV's answer to Don Corleone is in charge.

Next morning, enter a bunch of unmemorable dudes from Bachelorette's past, named Carl and Brett.  

Brett continues his "hilarious" tradition of arriving with a floor lamp and I am immolated by my own hatred.  Lace's evaluation, "Those pants and flip-flops, though", earn her two Olympic medals. 

Brett is totally into Caila, so Jared is freaking out while Ashley is preemptively celebrating Jared's heartbreak.  

Evan's pithy observation:  "Brett came in with a lamp, and Caila flipped the switch on Jared".  Here is a photo of a person who's funnier than Evan:


Caila agrees to go on a date with Brett... waits for Jared's weak but understanding response (which I'm assuming Caila wanted Jared to piss on her and claim her as his property).  So Caila declines Brett's offer and then she wants to go on the date and then doesn't and then she does and then she doesn't and after forever she finally agrees to go.  Ugh... Caila, this is why you didn't get Bachelorette, you're the Jared of female contestants.  

When Caila is first expressing interest in going on a date with Brett, she says to Jared, "I like you, but...I don't know" and it is the most hetero cis male response of all time.  I'm tempted to respect her for this unintentional revenge tactic on behalf of feminists.  The ambivalence that follows, however, shows how much of a twee little attention hog she is and I want to throw her (underhand, as if I'm back in grammar school trying in vain to sink a basketball) into the choppy waves. 

All things considered, Jared takes Caila's final decision pretty well:

Booze Cruise!!!!  And no one can remember Carl's name, but Emily is totally into Kevin...Clark...Curt...Scott... CARL!!
While Caila is on her date, Ashley moves in on Jared.  Unfortunately, Caila is not grinding with Brett and having a great time like Emily is with Carl.  Caila spends too much time on the boat being a Debbie downer and talking to Brett about how much she wishes she stayed with Jared.  (I'm trying so hard not to hate Caila, but she makes it so hard.)  

Brett just wants to go Magic Mike on Caila so she'll ride him like Seabiscuit, and she responds:

Then she returns to paradise and starts making out with Jared and Ashley yet again recedes into her chasm of love-starved despair. 

The most vanilla person who ever lived, Ryan, suddenly appears to find love and Jared leaps at the chance to dump his stalker on someone.  MISSION FAILED so here comes the Bearded Bland-O creepin on Haley and scoring a date, to Daniel's chagrin.  Haley is very eager to hang out with Ryan because the Canadian Don Juan makes her want to cough gobs of puke into the air, totally unbeknownst to him.   Ryan's claim to Bachelor Nation fame is being forgettable and he follows through here.  I kept forgetting he was on the magical horse date with Haley.  

Then a rogue Grant and Lace appear and get heavenly massages and sip champagne in the hot tub.  Grant dumps the love bomb on Lace and she bursts into tears of joy but can't reciprocate his feelings yet, which is obviously fine.  What ISN'T fine is Izzy's wandering schmoopie-eye.  Izzy thinks Brett is "beautiful" and suddenly seems to think Vinny is sort of cool or whatever but basically as attractive as a colonoscopy. Izzy sits Vinny down and tells him she's "only 75%" into him and wants to "be 100%".   Vinny has to understand that Izzy totally sees herself being 100% with a lamp-toting doofus she's known for literally 15 minutes.   Vinny reacts by mentioning Brett's rolled-up jeans and sandals to the camera while simmering with wounded anger.  A+++++++

Grant keeps the lighting-related hilarity rolling by telling the camera, "Some guy walked in a with a lamp, and.....a light bulb went off in Izzy's head, I guess".  (Do these guys get paid by the pun?) Carly astutely observes that if Izzy dumped Vinny based solely on looks, her feelings for Vinny from the get-go were most likely some fluffy-ass bullshit. 

 Looks like nobody was in it to Vin it!

And now, the "dramatic new" second helping:

Vinny gently confronts Izzy about her opportunism and Izzy stares at him like this before sobbing at his farewell announcement:

 Evan pours sympathy into the tropical air because the gang just saw their "first breakup".  Uh, Evan, Carly has already broken up with you 4-7 times; wake up.  

Out of nowhere, Jade and Tanner!  The gang is invigorated by the living proof that you can find everlasting love in paradise.  (I will bet you ten thousand dollars they'll divorce before good old "School to Prison Pipeline" Clinton ends her first term.  If you didn't get enough of Jade and Tanner, see them on the upcoming season of Celebrity Marriage Boot Camp.  Not kidding.)  The marrieds start sniffing around to determine who's clicking and who isn't, dragging us into Operation RIP Lace and Grant. 

Ashley tells J&T that Caila is a "fake person" and is certain her buddies won't give Caila and Jared a date card because they've "always had a soft spot for [Ashley] and Jared".  Fifteen seconds later, to nobody's surprise but Ashely's, they enthusiastically toss Disney Kid and AshKutch the date card.  TOTES HILAR. 

Caila is totally provoking Ashley!  If someone wants to claw your eyes out, maybe don't rub your relationship with her obsession in her face.  Watch a couple Lifetime TV movies, people get murdered for less.
Meanwhile, the gang continues to fall apart; Jen tells Nick he "put[s] a wall up".  If she means a wall of soporific timidity, kudos to her. 

Jared frolics in the moonlit water with Caila on their date and says he can "see what Ben was talking about":  There's just sooomething about that Caila that drives him wild.  Knowing Jared, here's the three-part "something": 1.  Smiles for no reason
2.  Zero percent body fat
3.  Awful

Carly and Evan participate in an intense spiritual ritual and the beckoning of The Rose is so loud in Carly's ears that she tells Evan she's "falling more and more for [him]".   They make out in the sweat lodge and Carly is apparently no longer scarred by the Pepper Incident.  Well, either that, or she recently spent four hours in Chris Harrison's dressing room as he snapped, "Seriously?  Who ELSE is going to love you?! Just take the bait and stretch that 15 minutes of fame, you jabronie".  

Ugh, watching Carly and Evan make out makes me feel like Haley after she kissed Daniel.  Carly really needs to stop mentioning her "lady boner."

Caila tells Jared that Ashley is in love with him and Jared sheepishly replies, "Well, I don't know if she's IN LOVE with me."    Jared....

Ashley tells Jared that it looks like he's more into Caila than she's into him and stupid Jared immediately runs up to Caila alludes to people telling him they are questioning Caila's interest in him.  People, Jared?  You mean Ashley.  Then begins another stupid conversation between Caila and Ashley.  This is all over Jared?!?!?  Where the fuck is Wells?  I need this stupid triangle to end or become a parallelogram.

What say you, Week 5?!  Will Lace admit she's not that into Grant's chiseled jaw and pack her bags?  Will Josh smash a steaming Digiorno in Nick's face as they scream at each other about Amanda?   Is Haley finally going to execute this pop culture nudge??


Until next time, Stay Daniel my friends!

Friday, August 19, 2016

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 3

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: How Chris Harrison gets paid vacations from ABC.

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

Week 3:  The exciting continuation to Evan's humiliation tour.

The best thing to come out of Evan awkwardly prying Josh and Amanda's lips apart to ask Amanda on a date is the 5 minutes of screen time they spend on Josh consuming a greasy pizza.  Apparently the pizza is Mexico is "pretty darn good", but you don't have to take my word for it.

 Evan toddling across the beach in his thong flip-flops toward Amanda's and Josh's liplock was a stellar opener.   Quote of 2016 from, of all people, Vinny:  "I just wanna shake Evan and say, 'Just stop being the awkward dick doctor'."  A.D.D. leads Amanda away for white wine and dinner and Amanda is so overwhelmed by how pathetic he is that she dissolves into tears.  

I believe they served Josh Ellio's as a joke and he still eats it like he's getting an otherworldly blowjob because he's ten sheets to the wind.  When he insincerely furrows his brow at Amanda in the aftermath of her "date" with Evan and says "Don't cry" (chewing with his mouth open, no less) he becomes the most punchable reality tv figure since....well, Evan.

There is something about Josh that just makes me want to slap him.  I hate you so much you disgusting beautiful garbage angel.  Slap!

Let's not forget how sweaty Josh is.
He looks greased up like a Tongan flag bearer... Slap

I know they are trying to build suspense as to whether Josh will give Evan another nose bleed, but Josh has no depth so he keeps spitting out cliches and saying nothing.  Even Evan feels like he's talking to a mannequin.  (Great movie by the way.)  Actually Evan says some shit about him hiding behind inspirational quotes and someday he'll explode.  Spoiler Alert!

Rose Ceremony #2 

Ladies pick this week:
Lace - Grant
Izzy - Vinny
Emily - Jared
Amanda - Josh
Sarah - Daniel
Carly - Evan
Haley - Nick

Bye, Bye Brandon and Christian.  We hardly knew you.

The producers keep playing Josh's "pizza sex" grunt and I'm a touch perturbed.  He sits at the Rose Ceremony in the absolute nadir of hyperhydrosis as Chris Harrison and Carly look on in revulsion. 

Christian declares that he will do "anything [he] possibly can" to get Sarah's rose.  Mission FAILED because here comes Maple Syrup McGee aka Daniel!   He shows Sarah how "giddy" she makes him by shaking his feet and getting stung in the chin by a bee.  I can't help but recall that Sarah is one of the people Daniel thought was ugly their first day in paradise. This is truly a John Hughes film.

Evan reappears to Amanda and spills the beans about former Bachelorette Andi's tell-all book, which paints Josh as an "abuser".  He's a bona fide frozen pizza abuser, that's for damn sure.   Josh overhears that Evan is talking shit about him and responds by looking exactly like this:

He confronts Evan and insists he's just a guy "trying to make a positive impact".  (I think he means that he's preparing to make a "positive impact" on Evan's skull with his fists.)   

Evan's "I am hearing you out" face when Josh is pleading his case:

Amanda tells the camera, "If somebody wanted to come up and, like, warn me about somebody, I would usually listen".  I'd love to get the opportunity to meet Amanda so I could warn her that Tom Hanks subsists on a diet of human flesh; she'd probably listen. 

Evan laments that he always gets "stuck in this self-assigned protector role".  Honey?  Who are you protecting!?  Evan is quite literally Scrappy Doo and the nation is weary.

If Carly was not into Evan, she's made a huge mistake giving him a rose this week because Evan thinks he's got a second chance at winning her heart and I'm one thousand percent on board for this inexplicable coupling.

I think Carly is the most heinous person alive for giving Evan that "PLATONIC!!" rose.  Granted, she hasn't known Evan that long, but she's been exposed to enough of his delicate radiation to assume that no action she takes will be interpreted as platonic.  Stabbing him with a more-than-willing crab would be seen by Evan as a marriage proposal.  

Brandon going home .0000009 seconds after arriving: Bless you, ABC.   

Caila arrives!  Cue the birds.  Thankfully, she reminds us that she's sex panther.  

Caila asks Jared on her date because for some reason everyone loves Jared.  Jared, our dollar store Ashton Kutcher, who is the equivalent to eating pancakes at a waffle party.  I should leave the insults to Tara. (My assessment:  Insult totally accurate.)

This of course breaks Emily's heart and since the twins are the best part of this show right now, I'm pissed!  Emily, Jared is boring and you need a man who has a personality and that is not something you will find in paradise.

Lace declares that she "might have to slap a bitch" if Caila asks Grant on a date.  Be careful Lace; don't get arrested for child abuRIMSHOT.   Emily correctly identifies Caila as condescending when she isn't even sure what "condescending" means.  Sometimes all you need is instinct, Emily (also, Emily's bleeped-out reaction when Caila asks Jared on a date speaks for every single one of us).   Go the fuck home, Disney princess!   

Am I in the middle of a fever dream or did a cartoon bear in a Charmin commercial just call someone "Skids"?  Oh my GOD.   

After a momentary flash of pain, we're back to the show:  Jared pulls Emily aside and pretty much asks for her permission to go on the date with Caila.  Emily gives him her blessing because she's chill like that.  However, she continues to offer her scathing review of Caila's behavior (to my utter delight):  "Everything is like a pageant queen and it's almost fake".  Take out the word "almost" and you're right on the money, Emily! 

Jared's date with 2-month-old Caila is the "best date he's been on in paradise": making horses walk through ocean water.  Caila looks at Jared with "those big brown eyes" and Jared replies:

Oh yeah, and then Daniel drinks out of Vinny's belly button.  He's Canadian, it's okay.

I have to disagree with Monica here; my dry heaves almost made me lose consciousness.

Carly comparing herself and Sarah to Statler and Waldorf:  twelve thousand Roger Ebert stars.

Jared and Caila triumphantly return to the group and Emily is STRESSED because Jared has started dickishly ignoring her. Hayley wears cute little Star Wars buns in her hair and tells Emily that Jared "seems really comfortable around [Caila] and really nervous around [Emily]".  I think Jared is nervous around Emily because he's frantically trying to figure out how to hook up with Caila without Emily noticing. 

Jared shockingly acts like an adult, albeit a shitty adult, and drops the bomb on Emily that he wants to "explore things" with Caila.  In response, Emily unleashes this beyond-quotable quote to the camera, while in tears:

"I always meet these great guys and they never pick me.  They always pick someone way uglier than me so there must be something wrong with me."

Jared better watch is back, because cosmic revenge is a dish best served Ashley.   

  The two most boring couples go on the FIRST EVER DOUBLE DATE in paradise.  That's right Vinny, Izzy, Grant, and Lace go to the discotheque for a foam party.  Nothing interesting happens.  Lace almost gets into a fight and Grant shuts it down.  Meh. 

Vinny wears a button down shirt with a "lipstick mark" print and I want to bend at the waist while casually puking.   Izzy is, and I quote, "in it to Vin it".  STOP EXISTING ON THIS SHOW.  

Sarah and Carly not to be outdone invite Daniel and Evan to have their own double date which consists of them just playing drinking games.  Then Evan has some sort of "medical" issue where Carly has to sleep in his bed with him.  It's science.  You're not supposed to understand it.

Evan tries to do a push-up with Carly sitting on his back and shows the world he is fifteen times weaker than Mr. Burns.  

Evan throwing himself at an ambivalent Carly while loaded (and after wasting paramedics' time) is unequivocally terrifying.

Back to Amanda and Josh:

The producers do the old "train speeding into the tunnel" bit while Amanda seals the deal with Josh.  They also play back Amanda's moans of pleasure.  I will never turn on my TV again.  

The next morning Josh celebrates his sexual victory by dropping a cream cheese bagel on his crotch.  

There haven't been enough tears this season.  Where the fuck is Ashley I?
Aww, there she is!  Sorry, Jared, the fun and games are over.  Hey, here's an idea, why don't you grow up and be honest with the women in your life as opposed to stringing them along.  

Chris Harrison is pleased as punch to see Ashley and it's adorable.   Exchange of the decade:

Chris:  The's that going? 

Ashley I:  Well my goal for this season is to only cry three times.

Chris:  A day...

Ashley I:  No, three times, ever.  Total!   

Jared's reaction when Ashley appears to the gang:

The Twins tell Ashley they've never seen Jared so "excited and assertive to go after [Caila]" and Ashley begins her emotional armageddon as the camera lingers on her 9-inch eyelashes.    

Ashley cries for at least 40 minutes of the show.  She's goes on her date with Daniel and it goes surprisingly well.  

Carly, to the camera:  "Ashley, always crying...running around, crying." 

False.  Sometimes Ashley takes a quick break from crying and running around to engage in David Berkowitz-esque conversations with a parrot.  

Jorge, the bartender, gives Ashley the silver lining to a date with Daniel as opposed to no-tits-Jared.

Is it possible that Jared never went further with Ashley because he disagreed with her choice of favorite color?  Or maybe it was her favorite number?

A tropical storm hits the island as Ashley and Daniel wander off to dinner.  Ashley breaks the ice with, "So, other than being Canadian, what do you do?"  AWESOME.  Daniel confirms that he primarily drinks maple syrup.  Ultimately, Ashley gets kidnapped because she's a virgin and Daniel is left to nibble his poutine alone.

Jared is starting to get frustrated because Caila is "holding back" emotionally and the audience can't help but drown in "Ben's Season" nostalgia.  I wonder if Caila is at long last going to embrace her love for Jared, creep up behind him like a carefree little Hobbit, and get tossed to the curb.

Josh and Amanda were reminding me of something I couldn't put my finger on.  It finally hit me:  RichandAmy from the Zits comic strip I read in college:

Jen shows up in Paradise and I barely remember her.

Jen asks coffee-n-abs Nick on her date.  Yadda yadda yadda they're in love this week.

The paradise crabs return, and they want Nick's mortal soul!   

Evan goes to the hospital in his last ditch effort to get Carly to fall in love with him and astonishingly it might be working.  

 Evan's ankles are swollen so he has to go back to the hospital; he eagerly accepts Carly's quarter-assed offer to go along.  

I am certain the producers paid a Mexican hospital $300,000 to play along with this bullshit.  Oxygen mask, IV, ambulance wail, the whole megillah - for mildly swollen ankles.  Daniel got speared in the face by a fucking nocturnal jungle insect and not a single eye was batted. 

Ashley is dealing with Jared's romantic fuckery quite well:

She pulls Jared aside to frantically beg for his love and he reacts with typical maturity and compassion:

Will poor Ashley ever find another Jared?  What the hell did Vinny say about Izzy that's making them both act like they just watched the end of Hachi?  Is Jen an actual  person or do the interns keep propping a cardboard cutout from American Apparel next to Nick?  Find out next week on Schmachelor in Jorgedise! 

Sunday, August 14, 2016

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 2

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: How Chris Harrison gets paid vacations from ABC.

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

I really hope I don't eat all these sour patch kids while I write this up.  Let's dive in.

Week 2:  The First Rose Ceremony and a Hot Mucus Filled Kiss

Because they are beating this whole Chad thing like a dead horse, we get to relive the end of last week as Chad storms off.  Chris Harrison clearly pissed off that the whole Chad situation is eating into his quality sipping mimosas in a robe time.  He's never going to get that time back, CHAD!

For some reason, they thought it was prudent to give Chad a bottle of whiskey to drink as they drove him far away from paradise.  (Does Chad have a contract rider?  Why does he get whiskey and cold cuts for his ride of shame?)

I'm a little disappointed BIP isn't airing on circa-2006 VH1, because that network would have given The Chad at least two viscerally terrifying seasons of Chad of Love in response to this mess.  Quote of the year from Chad:  "I'm never gonna be the Bachelor; like, what am I gonna DO now?"  Drunkenly revealing an ulterior motive that dates back to Magic JoJo Hour is as fascinating as it is pitiful.   

Chris Harrison's bemused stare as Chad threatens to walk home from paradise made me think of a dad emerging from his house at 5am to deal with a son who just got dumped on the grass by his Uber driver after a long night in the Meatpacking District. 

New bachelor reject, Leah shows up looking for Chad.  Everyone has to awkwardly explain that even though Chad is very humorous to watch on the TV, in real life he's scary and is probably killing all of the loved ones while they couple up in paradise.  

I was pretty crushed that Leah finally found a super cute guy with a shared love of protein, and Chris Harrison ripped him away. 

She asks Nick on her first one on one date right before he's about to feel up one of the twins' scoliosis hump.  Tough break, Nick.

Currently I am Team Twinsies all the way.  Those wiggly-spined mean girls target the people I don't like and I simply can't complain.  (I was hoping they'd have a split screen "before and after" of Leah because I don't remember what she looked like before she got the Kylie Jenner special from her plastic surgeon.)   Nick was so blindsided by the Twins' chutzpah that a lens popped out of his Maybachs.

For Nick and Leah's date, they arrive at Mexico's renowned Festival de Margaritas.

As is everything on this show, this is not a real festival, but when in paradise drink all the tequila.

Leah gushes to the camera about Nick's washboard abs and "lumberjack" vibe.  I assume her definition of the latter is "patchy beard and emotional constipation".  

When Nick and Leah get back from their date, Nick gets a date card, and Nick naturally asks Leaaa...Amanda on his date.  Leah's only retaliation is to Single White Female Amanda while she's getting ready.

The shot of Leah's reflection in Amanda's mirror as she looms over Amanda is worse than anything in Halloween.  Nick is "all about getting to know other people" and Leah needs to accept that.  Twin on the Left comes to Amanda's defense during an interview and says that Amanda is "50 million times prettier" than Leah.  Tell us how you really feel, Twincinnati!  Leah cries because she hasn't been in a decent relationship in years (that might have something to do with her behavior suggesting she sneaks into her crushes' homes and chews on severed locks of their hair while they sleep).

Why is Vinny getting so much screen time?  Why are Sarah and Izzy BATTLING for this man?  Picture a guy who got turned down for Jersey Shore.  Now picture the reject version of that reject.  Vinny. 

Carly and Evan kiss and they are totally on the same page about it.

The connection between these two is like metal in the microwave, sparks everywhere.  This is going to be so awkward, I loooove it!

Evan's hand making delicate tracings around his left nipple...

Despite the kiss from hell, there's something about Evan that Carly is "super attracted to".   Correct - his rose.  Evan is the Elijah Wood of paradise, and I don't mean the measured, stalwart Radio Flyer Elijah.  I mean the Wilfred Elijah.

Leah doesn't think Amanda should get Nick's rose; Amanda is a mom, so she's going to be "dependent" and "needy".  Leah is the quintessential milleniasshole.  I'm willing to hand twelve gold stars to Nick for backing into her with the "no offense but I hate your Kate Hudson-looking ass" truck. 

Daniel becomes the "wild card" and wants to "bang" one of the Twins despite the fact that he indirectly called them morons - straight white cis male ahoy! 

Rose Ceremony

The guys are giving out the roses this week:
Grant    -    Lace
Nick     -    Amanda
Evan     -    Carly
Jared     -    Emily & Haley
Vinny    -    Izzy
Daniel    -   Sarah

Leah and Jubilee are sent home.

Jubilee's exit was fucking depressing.  Candid pic of me watching Leah's exit:

Leah's devastation  >>>>> live brontosaurus herd

Next morning, enter Josh, winner? of Andi's season of the Bachelorette (the runner-up being abs and coffee norm-core Nick).  Josh and Andi were engaged for the minimum acceptable amount of time before they broke it off.  FYI, Josh is here for the right reasons and none of those reasons are not seeming like a TOTAL douche of TV.  

Why is this guy capturing the libidos of all the women?  He has mannequin eyes and Justin Bieber-ish swagger and I want to punch him in the veneers. 

Josh asks Amanda on his date and they start making out and never stop.  

Side note:  I love that this season is chronicling the lives of the paradise crabs.  They walk sideways, they make love, they support Chad's head while he's unconscious, they rock. 

Evan tells Daniel he wants to "ride horses in front of the sunset" with Carly and I want a Clydesdale to kick him into the merciless sea. 

Because Carly isn't really feeling the whole Evan thing, but he's totally into her, guess who gets a date card?  EVAN!  Evan asks Carly to join him on his date and since their last kiss wasn't hot enough for her, the producers have a surprise up their sleeves... The Guinness Book World of Records with Chris Harrison are ready for Carly and Evan to break the record for the longest hottest habanero kiss.  That would involve consuming a habanero pepper and kissing for a minimum of 90 seconds.  

The saliva strand that never ends.  That's promise for a lasting relationship.   

Is this the first time in Bachelor/ette/in Paradise history that someone has literally vomited from a disgusting  kiss?  I have a feeling Wells is coming to replace Evan.  

Emily's and Jared's relaxation time further pushes the fact that women have to do everything, for everyone, FOR ETERNITY.  Jared is a warm puddle of Sunny D with less game than an arcade gutted by a fireI hate him.

FYI, Jared, questions like what's your favorite color and number do not qualify as conversation topics for anyone over the age of eleven.

On to the second adventure this week:

We open with Daniel attempting to count his abs and predictably failing.  Nick is continuing to express his searing animosity for Josh because Amanda pushed The Lumberjack aside to hook up with Josh until one of them dies. 

Suddenly Christian bounds onto the sand to shake things up; Sarah and Amanda catch his eye.  EVERYBODY wants the goddamned 'Manda, dude. Ultimately, he asks Sarah on a date, sparking the ire of Daniel, who hangs close like a key supporting player in Strange Brew 2:  Tropical Stalkers.
Daniel suggests to the camera that Evan get a makeover to become attractive in Carly's eyes.  Cut to Carly explaining to Izzy and Amanda that Evan's hands were "all...over...[her] body" during their habanero kiss, with this expression:

She's surprisingly straightforward when she breaks it off with Evan, saying she's not romantically attracted to him and feels no chemistry, so she wants to be nothing more than his friend.  Footage of Evan walking away from Carly:

He sobs on his bed, and the world sobs with him.  Psych; this is hilarious.
Thankfully Jared helps to put this all in perspective:
I guess that's it for Evarly, the erectile dysfunction karaoke power couple.

Christian and Sarah repel down a rock wall and make out and it's all so dull that it borders offensive. 

Things kick back into gear when Soulja Boy video star / sunken-eyed ventriloquist's dummy Brandon appears to find love after coming up short on Desiree's season (which I regrettably didn't watch).  Chris looks like he's suppressing derisive laughter as he hands Brandon a date card.   Brandon chooses Haley to "go talk" with him, then pulls Carly aside to "go talk" aaaaand finally asks Haley on a date.  OUCH.  I appreciate the maneuver to make his date more worthwhile, but if you're going to use it, tell the loser you had a great time talking but felt more of a spark with the winner.  He chose Haley for the date in front of the whole gang without paying Carly the meager courtesy of eye contract. I think Carly is an asshat (like pretty much everyone else except Lace) and still found this rude. 

Emily gets plowed at Jorge's Bar and lives it up with Izzy, Amanda, Lace, and (naturally) indispensable bartender Jorge.  I would kill to knock back some Miller High Lifes with this crew on a lazy Saturday. 

Christian and Sarah return from their date and knock the others to their knees with palpable waves of dullness.  Daniel fumes in the background. In a truly shocking turn of events, Sarah says that during this date, with all the ziplining and repelling and kissing, she was thinking about how much more fun she would have had if Christian was Daniel.

Haley has a "trick up her sleeves" with her date with Brandon.  
YASSS, Haley, thank you.  This is why I wish I had a twin, so that I could swap out in uncomfortable situations.  I have two theories about how this "switcheroo" will pan out next week.  Either they are playing a trick on the crew and didn't switch at all (because no one can tell them apart and that would be hysterical) or he'll actually fall for Emily and get sent home.   

Evan is in such a tailspin over Carly dumping him that he plots to win over Amanda, who has been making out with Josh for literally 24 consecutive hours.  I would bet every penny I own that the producers urged Evan to do this so international audiences could point and laugh in solidarity.  I'm also sure they stockpiled Evan's blood type because they assumed Chad was going to seriously injure him.  Since Chad's gone, they can't let that go to waste.  Good luck, Evan.

Evan's been a willowy nice guy long enough.  Time to take charge and make Josh want to crush his skull under a boulder!  Shit gets realer than real next week....

I beg you to stick around for this episode's credits treat.  A teaser:


Monday, August 8, 2016

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 1

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: Where Bachelor Rejects stop being polite and start getting real.

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

Episode 1: Here ToChad, Gone Tomorrow

Ex-bachelor contestants arrive one-by-one on a beach in Mexico slowly working on their base buzz with tropical cocktails:  Amanda (Minnie Mouse voice with the kids), Nick (Runner up on 2 seasons and posts photos on Instagram of him shirtless and drinking coffee, not complaining), Jubilee (my favorite X-Men character and should of been the Bachelorette), Evan (the penis guy according to Jubs), Vinny (cuts hair and reads InTouch magazine), Carly (cruise ship karaoke artist), Grant (firefighter), Daniel (Canadian), Sarah (don't know her, she's before my time), the Twins (twins), Izzy (worn a onesie once), Lace (not crazy, not that there is anything wrong with that), Jared (I'm sure Tara has something - I do; Jared is a bowl of unflavored instant oats that shops at Urban Outfitters), and the titular hurricane on wheels, Chad.  

Nick claims he's a super genuine guy who wants people to see him for who he really is, which is a fifth-rate Jason Segel.  

Daniel explains that herpes isn't a big deal because it's treatable nowadays (valid point) and reminds us that:

pteradactyl > eagle >>>>>> pigeon

Evan shows us what a tough guy he's become by standing on a rock and throwing the most pitiful little jabs since Gizmo started training to beat up Mohawk. 

Chris Harrison and presumed brother/lifemate Jorge await the losers rolling into paradise for a second chance at love.  Amanda shows up in a floor-sweeping blue sundress and chats with Chris while this happens:

Everyone is talking about Chad, as would I.  Everyone who didn't have to yawn their way through JoJo's season wants to meet Chad. 

Chad's entrance was predictably dramatic, but I wasn't prepared for the heart-stopping production values:


There is also way too much talk about people's attractiveness rating out of 10.  Daniel is very picky for an idiot, comparing some of the girls to bruised fruit (also poodles and yorkies - was he throwing it back to 1992 and calling Amanda and Jubilee dogs, or is he ranking by breed?  The moment he calls someone he thinks is hot a "golden retriever" is the moment I silently beg Evan to slip a megadose of Viagra in Daniel's Molson).  Where Chad says all the girls are tens, which is very classy and he is the perfect gentlemen...until he gets the liquor in him and he turns into Mr. Lahey on a bender, if Mr. Lahey was a violent misogynist that told everyone to suck his nothing like Mr. Lahey.  I tried too hard to make that work.

Daniel and Emily walk off to have a private conversation, which her own sister says, "It's probably the stupidest conversation ever."  (Side note: Does this mean Haley's the smart twin?)  They see a fish and Daniel goes in for the high five...

Sorry, Randy Bachman "No Sugar Tonight"  Get it?  Because he's Canadian.  

Daniel also has a conversation with Izzy that takes about 5 seconds to get awkward. Izzy's wince when Daniel rambles about Evan fixing ugly penises and adopting children speaks for us all.  Two girls down, six more to go, Daniel!

Jared makes a comment about hoping this paradise is a little bit easier, which I can only assume means no Ashley I. drama.  Sorry, Jared, I've seen the teasers for this season and there is definitely Ashley I. drama on the way.

Evan, seriously, what's with all the dick talk.  We get it!

Chris Harrison shows up and explains the rules of this game, which are essentially my worst nightmare.  Picture this, you fly to Mexico for sun and fun but if you don't couple up you go the fuck home.  That is not my definition of paradise.

Also, not my definition of Paradise.  What's with the stove, Chris Harrison?  

Grant calls Lace a mess, not relationship material and then actively pursues her.  Someone explain men to me, please.

Lace flirts with Grant for 5 minutes and then Chad happens.  Lace has amazing abs, by the way.  All I'm going to say about the Chad and Lace 2-hour romance is that Lace stands up for herself every time Chad says something misogynist.  Not only that, she says, "Money doesn't make you cool."  I totally agree with her.  I'm pretty sure I'll defend Lace to the grave.  Let's never say anything negative about Lace.  She's my kindred spirit.  We're gonna be best friends, better than me and Tara.  Sorry, Tara.  THE FUCK....

Daniel and Chad have an emotional reunion during which Daniel drops this heartstring-tugger:  "All I know is, it's you and me."  Chad is ever-so-slightly disappointed that Evan is in paradise, which he expresses by saying he'd like to cut Evan's head off and throw it in the ocean. 

The twins have matching navel piercings and it's precious, I guess.

Jubilee get the first date card and invites Jared to this weird pinata/clown date.  Because Mexico?  They bond over Lord of the Rings and it's totes cute.

Love the editor's weaving of Emily looking forlorn and petulant into Jubliee's receipt of the date card - women feuding over Schmashton Schmutcher?  Wow. 

The pinata night is burned in my brain forever, not because of Jared and Jubilee's romantic nerd connection, but because the producers chose this night to vomit out the single most horrifying creature in the history of not only television, but the existence of sentient life:

I'm guessing this thing's name is Pinwheel or Drip-Drop; something cute to distract you from the fact that it is pestilence in the flesh and has a voice that sounds like Satan's asshole chewing up a balloon. 

Lace aka Sarah Silverman and Evil Chad hook up and try to drown each other in the hot tub as music that didn't make the cut for the American Graffiti soundtrack plays.  

Then Chad poops his pants and gets kicked off paradise.

Is it possible that Chad and Daniel's relationship is an allegory for the relationship between the US and Canada?  I don't know where I'm going with this, but it's something to think about.

Chad is so drunk and grotesque that even Izzy, the human version of a Kraft American Single, gets pissed off.  One benefit of his meltdown is that he inspires the following quotes from "un-murdery" Daniel (broadcast in the span of 30 seconds):

"You've got a better chance of making out with a turtle than you do making out with a girl tonight."

"I'll take you down, man.  I'll take you down to Chinatown."
"I have no problem punching a friend in the face.  I've done it before, I'll do it again.  No problem."

The ninety-minute scene of Chad snoring on top of a crab was avant-garde.  I'm certain Evan paid everyone not to roll Chad on his stomach with the hope he'd aspirate on his vomit.

I didn't think anything could top the exponentially scumbaggy first night, but the morning after almost defies description.  Actual rage-fueled quote from Chris Harrison:  "You told everyone at this hotel to suck a dick". Chris wants to feed Chad to a jaguar, Sarah wants to rip Chad's face off with her teeth while sobbing, and Lace appears too drained of spirit to have an opinion.  Love Chad's profanity-laced attack on Chris as he reluctantly exits and his obsession with the image of Chris wearing a white robe and drinking a mimosa (I share this obsession).

Join us next week as Josh bounds onto the sand to act like a toothy fuckwit, Ashley I. sobs like a preschooler, Evan gets some aggressive bloodwork done, and Chad finally embarks on that tequila-drenched killing spree.  This season's gonna sizzle!!