Saturday, June 28, 2008

The words "burrito," "botox," "Tom Cruise," and "hangover" are words...

Anyone who reads the newspapers is aware that tonight is Lachapalooza 2008. What does that mean for Blog 'scuse me?? It means bastardizing popular libations and baking up some amazing vegan treats for the meat-scented masses. Breaking News!!! Malibu Bay Breeze snow cones shall grace this event for the first time in Lachapalooza history. Will this year mark the return of the beer pong table? Only time will tell. Will the members of ERINLACH be making an appearance? Is it possible that they will play Man Thighs Are Yucky this year, compelling the police to visit for its sheer magnum force? Will there be an unfortunate mishap involving a bottle of Jameson, a Slip N Slide, and a frantic 911 call? Will Allie take a swan dive into the keg again? Will Erin's hallway once again flood with beer and hamburger vomit? Will there be sequined flip flops?

One question we know the answer to is whether we will be subscribing to Cosmopolitan Magazine aka National Dairy Council approved Prada wearing Sausage Pounders. Why, do you ask, would we be so bitter? Could it be that a recent issue advises readers not to invite vegans to barbecues? Do they fear losing their precious Got Milk ads if a single subscriber invites a vegan into their household? Do they imagine vegan guests replacing kegs of beer with barrels of nutritional yeast? Are they worried that blocks of tofu will make their readers turn against men no longer needing the nauseatingly prevalent sex tips and how I finally tamed him testimonials? Are they upset that we bring scrumptious baked goods and force people to drink inventive cocktails (that might just be us)? Do they have nightmares of a storm cloud forming over the backyard and unleashing a downpour of fluffy puppies and hemp products? Which has happened a couple times but trust me everyone had fun once the shock wore off and we laid out some newspapers for the puppies.

Blog 'scuse me? will promptly give you the lowdown on all the charcoal stained debauchery that will surely take place tonight. Unless of course we are in jail or watching after the puppies.

Here's a snippet of the treats we will be bringing to this year's Lachapalooza. So when you are thinking about inviting a vegan to your barbecue heed Cosmo's warning. God knows people hate chocolate chip cookies and booze.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Greatest Actor of the Past Nine Generations Showcase

Oh, Crispin Glover. Anyone who can join forces with Corey Feldman to inject some dignity and grace into Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter is deserving of worship. This was further proven in the 1986 exercise in fabulosity, River's Edge, which stars not only the disturbingly talented and sexily coiffed Glover, but effing Dennis Hopper as a gun-toting, sex-doll-loving pot fiend.

Only the beautiful Crisp could elevate pill-popping and desperately attempting to conceal a brutal murder committed by an acquaintance to an art form. The skull cap and black outfit don't hurt, either. Keep up that 80s intensity, and while you're at it, dump Courtney Peldon.

Brad Pitt Finds His Calling

Dubai is one of the seven emirates that make up the United Arab Emirates and home to a new five-star hotel complex. Each of the 800 rooms in this luxurious hotel will play nothing but the movie Cool World. Who is responsible for this desert oasis? Who is the man brazen enough to order around licensed architects like they're production assistants on the set of Seven Years in Tibet? Is it possible that Floyd from True Romance's true calling was architecture? I know what you're all thinking: "Why is Brad Pitt still making movies when his passion is architecture?"

Gold Nanoparticles Fight HIV

That's the headline of an recent article, which leads me to the most logical conclusion: South Park was right! Is it possible that the cure for AIDS is a large dose of concentrated cash (approximately $180,000)? Only time will tell...

Tara is In Your Extended Network

As an avid Myspace stalker, I've come across several things on America's most colorful douchenozzer networking site that piss me off. Let's address these point by point, shall we?

Number One: The I Am Gorgeous, You Are Garbage Showcase

Okay, so you wear cleavage-bearing tank tops from H&M. You have hair that never falls out of place and lip gloss that never smudges. You've nailed three or four sexy poses, and most likely have a signature pose that appears in 18 or 19 shots in your photo albums. Must you further hammer the wooden stake into my chest with the endless redundant captions? "Me and my girls, looking hot as usual!" "You know you want this..." "Don't you wish your gf was a freak like me?" If you want to make homely girls jealous, why don't you get off the computer, meet them at the bar, and make out with the cute guy they hoped would approach them? Afterward, you can point at them with your finely manicured nail and giggle while they cry in a fetal position at the subway station.

Number Two: The Couples' Shrine (sometimes with babies)

Animal shrines are perfectly acceptable, don't get me wrong. I could stare for six straight hours at a photo of a large-eyed cocker spaniel wearing a neckerchief. But when you dedicate your profile to an overwhelmingly clingy relationship you've been in for three months, I get stomach cramps. To add insult to injury, couples' shrine profiles are often punctuated by endless back-and-forth comments between the guy's and girl's separate pages:

"Had so much fun last nite baby! You're my ittle wittle schnookum cakes and I will ALWAYS love you no matter what the haters may try to tell us!"

"Me too loveymuffpuffdoodle! Today I saw a commercial for Zales and totally dreamed of buying you that princess cut diamond you want! Just a few more years babe! Then it's you and me and our future children - Deke, Dakota, and Skylar!"

Number Three: The Superdouche Deep Intellectual Page

I like books. I like to think sometimes, and wear the occasional ironic t shirt after dark. Why do these qualities separate you from the rest of society? If your General Interests section reads like a Dennis Miller diatribe, I am not jazzed. Your love of obscure British television (i.e. The Office) and rage over the tumult in Darfur doth not make you special. We all know that at the end of the day, you peel off your Teddy Ruxpin zip-up, turn on Spike TV, and gorge yourself on Jack Links.

Robert Kelly Finally Aquitted!!!

After six years of emotional torment, America's R&B hero has finally been found not guilty on all 14 counts of child pornography-type graphic sex thingies. After approximately 568,998,703 witnesses were called in an attempt to discover the identity of the preschooler that the quote-unquote man in the video peed on, the jury deliberated and finally concluded that R. Kelly is as pure of mind and spirit as a newborn baby fawn traipsing through a dandelion field.

Thank you Jesus!

Blog-a-thon 2008

Welcome to Blog-a-thon 2008, where the fun doesn't stop until we pass out. We'll start posting as soon as we are done with our morning cocktails and fresh from the oven bagels. Prepare yourselves for a barrage of random complaints, pop culture meltdowns, and razor edge tutorials.

As we blog we will be fueled by the following:

Dark and Stormy (special thanks to Melanie), Brotherly Love (special thanks to Three Olives Root Beer Flavored Vodka aka our new water substitute), Tangerini-Tinis (special thanks to Scrubs) and Cosmopolitans because you can't have a girl drinks night without it.

Maybe later we can slip into half comas, do our nails, and watch Sex and The City.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

SUMMER: It's not just a neo-hippie girl's name anymore

The scent of
Victoria's Secret body splash is in the air and you know what that means... Summer has arrived and in about a week it will be official. Here at Blog 'scuse me? we are amping up our content to keep you informed on all the pop culture treats you are missing out on while you're panhandling on the boardwalk.

First, this Saturday will be our first ANNUAL BLOG-A-THON. That's right kids. We will be blogging nonstop all day long.

In addition to that, we are planning a Vegan Walking Tour based on the one published in Issue 14 of
Herbivore Magazine. More information about that once we decide on a date and put a map together.

National Pigeon Day is this Friday! There will be festivities in Central Park from 4-8pm. Or you can celebrate by reading this article about pigeon obesity that somehow turns into an article about chewing gum.

Other things to look forward to this summer:

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

The Campaign Has Begun... get John Henson off the TV Guide Network.

The man who once owned Talk Soup has now been reduced to discussing cable listings with Nikki Taylor. Unacceptable. That delightful George deserves better too. Any golden retriever who quotes Yeats and debates the validity of Elvis' career is in dire need of his own sitcom/educational program/variety show.

The John we have:

The John we want:

If all goes according to plan, John will be off the step-and-a-half-above-public-access set in fewer than three months and go on to host his own Comedy Central show, busying himself with the dissection and desecration of pop culture. Sir Thomas of McNamara, Perrin Sprecace, and Alan Wu are required to participate. Let's not let any more funny people go to waste while crappy humor flourishes. Do you know who has his own sitcom these days? Bill Engvall.

Bill Engvall.