Friday, March 18, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: Finally the Finale Recap

The official blog 'scuse me Bachelor recap.

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

Well, it's been eleven weeks and it's time to find out whether Ben can make up his mind.  Will he choose Lauren B. or JoJo?  Do we care?  Will this relationship at least last longer than a season of Dancing with the Stars?  Has time accelerated an hour?  Why have I been late to everything this week?

This probably does not need stating, but there be spoilers abound.

The entire night Chris Harrison keeps promising us that Ben and the lady that he chose will get married on stage live that night.  He's even flew in Ben's pastor.  So why on earth does he wait until the last ten minutes of the show to spring it on him?  I'm calling bullshit on you, Chris.  Not only that, but he flew out both of the girls' families and Neil Lane (with wedding bands) to perpetuate this lie.  The pastor is so ashamed to be party to such an elaborate hoax he can't even look up from his bible once.
Wow, JoJo's brothers passed on attending the festivities?  Shocking!  I bet they were circling the studio in camo overalls, clutching sniper rifles and furiously reciting The Lord's Prayer.  On that note, Lauren's brothers look like Mormon missionaries.

Now let's get to the actual episode, not that much happens.  Ben says he's in love with two women five thousand times so if that was part of your bachelor drinking game you would have blacked out before the proposal.
That's pretty much all I remember.  

Let's get back to the most dramatic episode of the Bachelor ever!  

Ben jump-starts the party by telling his emotionally tested-looking parents he's in love with two women.  His mom, Gloomy Gus, finds this "very disturbing".   Through this whole meet-and-greet, I was waiting for her to announce that feline AIDS is the number one killer of domestic cats.

Lauren meets the parents and brings a big bouquet of flowers and bottle of wine.

She gushes to Ben's dad that Ben is, "like, seriously, one of the most incredible people [she has] ever met" and the vocal fry is shattering.

Ben's mom reminds Lauren that Ben is "his own worst critic" (Translation:  "My son is a whiny little shit who will spend 80% of your marriage galloping around on a drama llama and you need to steel yourself for that.")

Ben tells the camera that he's realized "just how incredibly deep some of these feelings are", referring to his love for both Apple Cheeks and Marilyn Munster.

JoJo meets the parents and brings a little bouquet of flowers and jams it into a tacky shell.  I think this might be a life lesson for gifts you bring when you meet someone's parents, even if you're in Jamaica.  (Life Lessons this season: (1) Don't get dumped in a barn. (2) Always bring wine.)

JoJo gives an impassioned speech to the fam about loving Ben and sounds like Bart Simpson.  She cries during her one-on-one with Ben's dad, charming him to the point where he's no longer disappointed about her refusal to acknowledge he looks like Lee Marvin's younger brother who works at Vineyard Vines.

Is it weird that seeing the ring helps him make the decision?  I feel like there is a Lord of the Rings joke in there somewhere... Where is Stephen Colbert?

Ben spends most of the episode searching for "clarity" regarding who's the better choice and feeling "confused and conflicted".  He could have saved himself a lot of grief if he'd asked himself at Minute One, "Hmm, which of these women has siblings that DON'T want to sledgehammer my testicles? I should probably go with her".

When Ben vents to the camera before his last date with JoJo, once again saying he wants CLARITY, he has 1) a cowlick and 2) a facial expression that leads me to believe he thought he was auditioning for Ted in Bill and Ted's Jamaica Jam.  Ben is the worst Bachelor of all time.  When JoJo asks, "So, you feel good?" and Ben says "Um...that's a loaded question" in his skim milk voice, JoJo's exasperated look speaks for all of us.  I don't doubt that the writing tattooed on Ben's side is instructions for using a portable toilet without drowning.

I can't help but lose respect for JoJo (not that I had much to begin with) because she claims a proposal from Ben will complete her "fairy tale love story" despite the fact that Ben has spent all of this episode gaping at her like a flatlining squirrel.  She hops off the Endgame Helicopter and gets her hopes dashed when Ben tells her he liked hooking up with her at the Hoover Dam or whatever, but Lauren is where it's at right now so best of luck in all her endeavors.   Music that sounds like seventh-rate Phillip Glass plays as JoJo rides into the sunset and Ben weeps like a college kid who totally blew his history final.  The "epic conclusion" to Ben's hideous story is him proposing marriage to Lauren even thought he is in love (IN LOVE) with someone else.  Til death do you part!!

Sorry for the rant, but I'm menstrual right now:
I watched the first season of the Bachelor and then I didn't watch it again until Juan Pablo, undeniably the best bachelor.  So here's my two cents with my limited bachelor knowledge.  After whittling down a group of 28 women over 10-ish weeks, making sure you get rid of the xenophobes, the alcoholics, the ones not ready for adult relationships, the gluten free physical trainers, and the mini-horses, what's left?  Maybe a few women whose superficial surface characteristics you find attractive.  It's been two months, you don't really know anyone that well and every woman with a shot is on first date behavior on every date because this is a game show where you win a husband.  So it's not entirely surprising when they choose the zero drama, super attractive, perfect on paper one over, at the very least, what seems to be a stronger relationship based on reality, but I might just be a victim of fancy editing.  Ben, I'm sure you are totally in love with your soon to be wife who complained about your mouth breathing and your loud late night praying on Jimmy Kimmel.  No regrets. 

And now for what you have all been waiting for... The final scores of our fantasy league.  Tara's team, Comin' Around A-Ben, came in second with 4090 points.  As I clobber her successfully picking the final two, my team, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Ben, with 4750 points.  Boosh!

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: The Women Tell All Recap

The official blog 'scuse me Bachelor recap.

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

The Women Tell All is finally here!  The episode where Chris Harrison gets to channel his inner Barbara Walters and reopen the recently healed wounds of jealously, heartbreak, and embarrassment to the delight of a bloodthirsty audience.  

First, I'd like to talk about who showed up.  Of course, Caila came in her final bid to be the next Bachelorette.  The Chris Soules season alumni, Amber and Becca, showed up.  Shushanna spent her time since getting rejected by the bachelor learning English and wouldn't shut up.  We get it, you talk good now.  The twins came back.  I'm a little shocked that Chris Harrison didn't re-break Emily's thumb so he could tell them apart again.  Nice to see Rachel hasn't found employment yet.  That twin bed in her childhood room must be really comfortable.  (Side note:  It's kind of sad that out of all the fake jobs they make up for these people they couldn't think of one for her.  Are you trying to tell me that twin or chicken enthusiast are actual job descriptions?  Why not make Rachel a Watching the Price is Right in her pajamas enthusiast?  I could get behind that.)  Jami comes back to remind everyone that she's Canadian.  Jennifer, she could murder someone in front of me and I still wouldn't recognize her in a lineup, showed up.  What is it about her that gives me face blindness?  It's like I'm looking at a different person every time I see her.  Olivia, Leah, and Jubilee are pretty much there for everyone to yell at.  Strangely, Leah is the only one the audience turns on.  You don't mess with Lauren B.  Tiara and Izzy, eliminated on the first night, decide 'I want to be mean to Olivia and bring my chicken onto the show' let's do this! And Amanda and Lace are there too.

Now for my crackpot conspiracy theory!  Four very specific women didn't show up.  Samantha, Mandi, LB, and Jackie were all eliminated on week 2.  LB left on her own accord during the rose ceremony.  Is it possible that something went down that week that left a sour taste in their mouths?  Or were they just watching the Iowa Black & Brown Forum that night instead and didn't realize they got eliminated?  This is also the week where Ben is giving out gifts to some ladies during the cocktail party.  He makes barrettes with Amanda for her kids and gives Lauren B. a candid screenshot from one of their dates.  Maybe this is a way of coping with his guilt for some inappropriate behavior?  

The episode hit the ground running as Chris Harrison reminded us that mortal enemies Olivia and Emily were about to reunite and the camera cut to a woman grimacing in the audience.  I wish they had put her on the stage with a glass of cabernet and televised all her reactions to the moronic vitriol.

So glad Tiara's back on television:

Leah "Wish I Was Olivia" Event Planner tried to defend herself against three gals and a chicken calling her a filthy liar and failed so miserably an audience member's bob haircut almost flew off.

The ladies made a concerted effort to attack Jubilee for previously noting she was the only girl in the mansion with two black parents. She ended up in the Hot Seat for an uplifting therapy session with patron saint Chris Harrison.

Lace's self-loathing was revisited as she snickered in the Hot Seat.  I was hoping they'd replay the splendid "Ro-ZANN Ro-zanna-danna!" moment and was terribly disappointed.  Lace told Chris that watching her behavior on the show taught her not to interrupt people right before a dangerous Grade Z Joaquin Phoenix interrupted the discussion to show Lace the tattoo of her likeness he got on his torso. The blonde lady in the audience who recoiled in disgust gets 600 thousand gold stars.

Olivia got up for the Hot Seat as Emily and Haley looked at her like:

Olivia told Chris she's had a rough few months because people have posted brutal comments about her appearance on social media, but she did get a laugh from what she referred to as "the mouth stuff".   I assume she's talking about gems like these.

Did anyone else notice that Caila effortlessly wrote a Grammy bait ballad as she was carried away by the Reject Limo?  Verbatim quote:

I Didn't See This Coming - Caila
I was ready,
I was ready to get married,
I was ready,
I was ready to be his wife,
I was ready,
I was ready for our future,
That's all I thought about,
All I want in life is love,
I feel like I wanted it for so long,
I feel like I had that,
And it's gone
Was I hearing things or did Chris refer to Ben as "the most popular Bachelor in history" when he introduced him?   There is no way this human rice cake became more popular than Juan Pablo or Chris "GiggleMaster" Soules.

Chris challenged Ben to tell Emily and Haley apart and he succeeded (not a challenge - all he had to do was recognize who was looking at him with stronger hatred to know who Emily was). 

Those bloopers, man.   I could watch them all day, especially the ones with everyone getting attacked by insects.

Take your vitamins and stay hydrated, everyone - the season finale and Bachelor in Lace-a-dise will be here before you know it!

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 9 Recap

The official blog 'scuse me Bachelor recap.

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

Ben goes to Jamaica to wander the lush tropical terrain in Old Navy flip flops and destroy Caila's heart. 

There are a lot of shots in this episode of people looking out into the horizon pensively in classic Bachelor fashion.  
And what was with the Manwich commercial taking a direct assault on meatless Mondays.
First Date:  Ben and Caila

Caila flies in on a rainbow as usual (as Ben so eloquently put it:  "Her smile and her beauty....her kinda bubbliness?  I knew that Caila was special".  (I know what Ben means, as it's a rare and precious thing for a girl to be physically attractive and act happy about shit.)

Caila may be smiling on the outside, but she harbors secret torment because she's in love with Ben and acknowledges JoJo and Lauren B. could feel the same.  She's "melancholy" on her atmospheric raft ride with Ben, even though he fires off pithy zingers such as, "It's like, I'm a twenty-six-year-old man who's, like, a little kid right now".

Caila is describing her hotel room with a view of some swings in the water and Ben's response is "You gotta get out there."  Yeah, Caila, you by yourself should go check that out.  And from that point on, I'm pretty sure Ben's already made up his mind about Caila, but he's not gonna let that ruin his night in the fantasy suite.  Classic scumbag and I hope Caila calls him out on that but she would lose her opportunity to be the next Bachelorette.

Caila, take a hint, he brought you to Jerk Centre for lunch!

Evening falls and Caila delivers her Love Confession to Ben.  Take a drink every time Caila uses "and" as a filler word during her big speech.  I apologize in advance for making you die.

Fantasy Suite Visit #1!  Caila wakes up looking radiant (shocking).  Caila can see herself waking up next to Ben for the rest of her life.  She, for the second time, tells Ben she loves him; he, for the second time, responds with empty-headed silence. That doesn't phase Caila - she can "feel in his breath" that he loves her back.  Did he revive her with mouth-to-mouth in a wacky deleted scene?


Second Date:  Ben and Lauren B.

Lauren B. likes the water and the sunshine and is a typical brilliant conversationalist.  They get to dip baby sea turtles in the ocean to get the sand off their itty bitty bodies and the cuteness is physically painful.  Ben raves to the camera about his date filled with cuteness, implying that Lauren B. is as cute as the turtles, further proving he's a big old fuckin' dunderhead.

They check out an evening reggae show and linger behind a crowd of Jamaica residents / Bachelor interns and pretend to be really into the music.  Ben's bangs look like a dark tribble and he appears to be fighting sleep as he invites Lauren B. to the Fantasy Suite.  After she accepts, she finally says, "I am....completely in love with you".  Ben says he's in love with her too and the two of them yuk it up and make out on a couch.

Ben shows up with a breakfast tray the next morning and Lauren B. is very excited about the coffee (I suddenly feel a kinship).  

Third Date:  Ben and JoJo

JoJo tells the camera, "I wish there was more words to explain the way I feel when I'm with him".  Does she mean "more words currently listed in the Oxford Dictionary" or "more words I'm aware of"? 

She takes a thrilling jump into a river with Ben and is cool with it because she feels "so safe" with him.  I can't imagine Ben being able to protect someone from a dust mite, so I'm a little concerned.

Ben confesses his love for JoJo, sealing Caila's fate.  JoJo brings up a good point after Ben tells her he loves her.  Is he allowed to say that?  

Chris Harrison's face says no and I'm sure the fallout in two weeks when he doesn't marry both JoJo and Lauren will teach Ben a serious lesson in toying women's emotions.

They retire to the Fantasy Suite and definitely have sex.  Somewhere, in unforgiving darkness, JoJo's brothers scream at the ceiling and bite rage holes through their blankets.

Aftermath:  Operation Crush Caila
Caila creeps up on Ben simply exploding with loving bubbliness as he sits in a lawn chair and pretends to be deep in thought - the phoniness is so clunky and embarrassing, it makes me want to throw Emmys at this season.

Ben tells Caila she needs to shove off and that it's "really hard to imagine saying goodbye to [her]".  Caila replies, "That sounds like a line" and gets two thousand gold stars.

Caila sobs in the limo as Ben fondles his mouth in sadness AGAIN.  Ben tells the camera he hopes he didn't make a mistake (hidden meaning:  "I hope I'm not going to regret dumping Caila for a woman whose family literally wants to bury an axe in my face and dump my charred remains behind a 7-11").
Fantasy League Update:  Both Lauren B. and JoJo are on my team and I currently have a 220 point lead.  Eat it, Tara!

Next Week - Dumpees Tell All!