Sunday, September 4, 2016

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 5

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: Where is Chris Harrison?

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

Week 5:  Wells that didn't last long.

The show opens with more Ashley-Jared-Caila drama... Ugh

I don't know if it's obvious yet, but I have a growing disdain for Caila.  This does not mean that I excuse the behavior of Ashley or Jared.  Caila, however, has no depth and it might be a conscious effort on her part to look "good" on television, just keep smiling and if it gets awkward just smile harder and no one will see how ugly you are on the inside.  She's done some not so cool things and everyone seems to be able to look past that since she has great hair and Ashley's a mess.  Lest we forget Caila is kind of at fault for this whole mess.  If you have a "friend" or acquaintance who is obsessed with a guy to the point that every other word that comes out of her mouth is "Jared" and she specifically asks you not to pursue a relationship with this guy you have never met.  Maybe don't go on a date with him and then when you two are all cuddly tell her, well you weren't interested but then you talked to him.  You know what that means.  That means your promises are shit, Caila! 

What I'm trying to say is this whole thing is a mess and everyone is at fault.

Caila tells Ashley that Jared "loves" her:  "You're like a sister to him".  Ashley's murderous head tilt in reaction to that comment speaks for at least 25 of the world's nations.  

Ashley simply has to sit Jared down again and sob until she can barely breathe while Jared is like:


Ashley summons her dead dog, Lucy to help her find a boy that will get her over Jared.

Lucy sends Wells, from JoJo's season and maybe my future boyfriend.

When Wells descends from heaven in his curlicued glory, Daniel declares, "Well, well, Wells!".  Can we get Daniel a terrifying Kids in the Hall-esque show on IFC with John Dunsworth and Rick Moranis?   

Everyone is excited that Wells is finally here.  This might be Jared only shot at happiness.   Hey Caila, who do you think Wells should take on his date?

Did you know Wells has a lot of dogs on his Instagram?  It's true.

Jared & The Gang react with their usual subtlety and grace when Wells asks Ashley on the date:

Highlights of the Wells/Ashley date:
They actually eat the food on their plates.  Even a stray dog gets some table scraps (Wells' 'dog voice' - wow.  Marry me, sir).  Ashley's favorite band is Hanson!

Yes, Rory Gilmore, Hanson is still together.

While Ashley and Wells have their fun, Caila caresses Jared's arm and gives it this weird, appraising series of squeezes before Jared climbs on her to make a scrunchy-faced, disingenuous child or whatever the fuck they're up to these days.   They discuss the possibility of leaving the show soon to recede into romantic splendor aka dunderheaded fakery that is doomed to get torn apart by Ashley and Jared's friendship.  

Lace and Grant get in a fight when Lace starts talking to Carl and teases Grant about not getting a rose.  Grant and Carl are both firefighters that are covered in tattoos, is it possible Lace with a little tequila and her fake eyelashes melting off couldn't tell who she was talking to? 

A storm has begun to brew, guys: The "Josh and Nick fight you've all been waiting for".  I certainly haven't been waiting for it, because Nick is not Alex from JoJo's season.  Nick has no interest in glaring and puffing his chest at a pizza-munching sociopath unraveling under the weight of the HGH.  Nick wants to sit on beds with the most boring woman alive and talk about what steps she takes to get ready for bed.  I'm one step away from finding Carl more interesting than Nick, and I don't clearly remember what Carl looks like as I type this.  

On to Evan and Carly and the most hilarious exchange of dialogue so far this season:

Evan:  This is really, really hard, but..I'm totally falling in love with you.
Carly:  *struggling not to explode into derisive guffaws* I'M TOTALLY FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU, TOO." 

I'm certain Carly was trying to tell him she was totally falling in love with U2 after watching the tide roll in one dark night while looping "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me".   

Sweet Daniel is desperate for a rose and amazing at playing this game.  First, he made bracelets for the twins.  Follows that up with a wonderful platter of "" for Haley.  Onion rings, chicken fingers, french fries, it's all there.

Knowing Izzy's predilection for men with lamps, he brings her a shinier taller version of Brett's lamp.   
I'm deeply concerned that Izzy doesn't know the difference between watts and volts. 

Actual quote from Brett: "Who needs a lamp when you've got Izzy's lips?".  OKAY.  I hate Brett and I just realized he's the second coming of Mason from *batteries not included:

 "If a package washes up on the shore, it's my denim capris from Hollister."

Rose Ceremony:
Ladies give out the roses and Chris Harrison makes his only appearance this week. 

Carly - Evan  (Carly's detached long sleeves are making me nervous)
Ashley - Wells
Jen - Nick (I'm getting suspicious that Jen is literally an embalmed corpse controlled by puppeteers and everyone's too caught up in their own drama to notice.)
Izzy - Brett
Caila - Jared
Lace - Grant
Amanda - Josh
Haley - NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo, don't leave us!

The twins are done with paradise.  Which means Daniel, Ryan, and Carl are leaving as well.



Emily and Haley take Amanda aside and in between sobbing warn her about the scary side of Josh.  After they leave, all hell breaks loose.  The twins are geniuses!  What an amazing time to provoke drama!  As you are leaving the country!  Peace out, bitches!  

Josh when he sees the Twins leading Amanda away to "talk":

What they left in paradise?  A shouting match between Josh and Nick.  Josh mentioning his dog's cancer as evidence that Andi's tell-all book is full of lies and he's here for the right reasons.  I may have misunderstood him it's hard to read between the cliches.  Amanda sticks by Josh's side even though she's been in bad relationships before she thinks she's a good judge of character.  The eternal optimist.

Josh addresses the crowd and lets everyone know he's "really frustrated right now" and he's got a "genuine relationship with [Amanda] right now".   Nick chimes in that he's having some doubts concerning this alleged "genuine" spirit and Josh lets it roll off his back:

Josh thinks Nick wants to sabotage his and Amanda's bliss because he's jealous.  Amanda lingers on the sidelines and cries and Caila sits next to her, contributing the usual black chasm of zilch.   Evan stands between Josh and Nick as they argue, begging to get another shirt ripped.

Caila walks by a sidebar conversation between Lace, Grant, Wells, and Ashley.  As Caila walks away, Lace says, "I can't stand her."  This is the first time they have let something negative about Caila be said by someone who isn't Ashley.  What else are they leaving out?  This is not isolated.  No one seemed shocked by Lace's comment.  

Next morning, when Wells is the only person awake and Jami from Ben's season shows up, she's asks him on a date before Ashley wakes up.  Everyone assumes Ashley is going to get hysterical when she finds out, but what they don't seem to recognize is that Wells is not Jared so she doesn't give a shit. 

I forget Jami exist as I watch her onscreen.  So....dull.  It shatters my heart to acknowledge that Jami and Jen are wandering around in the same paradise-iverse. 

Caila and Ashley have another stupid conversation.  Caila asks if Ashley would ever trust her.  Seriously?  You promised her off-screen that you had no interest in Jared and then you changed your mind and you expect to be friends with Ashley.  Maybe this is weird editing, but I don't understand this stupid conversation.  Ashley, just say no!  So Caila, after creating this mess, starts to realize the only way to save face is to bounce.  GTFO Caila! that welt on Caila's butt really from Jared smacking her?  NOT COOL.  Jared is incredibly overdue to take a giant piece of driftwood on the chin-wisps.  

She goes to Jared, tells him she's leaving and he's like I need to go talk to Ashley about this.  Really Jared, you need check with Ashley first.  This makes me think Ashley isn't completely fabricating her relationship with Jared.  Ashley has a celebratory taco before Jared slowly chases after Caila's car without packing.

Did Jared leave his stuff in paradise?  Will Caila finally tell him to shave his stupid face?  

Un-exaggerated quote from Ashley:  "Everyone here loves Jared because he is the most wonderful person we've all ever met".  


Ashley sobs herself into a coma as she tells Carly and Evan that she "just lost one of her best friends".  Carly replies, "It's all gonna work out.  Everything works out the way it's supposed to, Ashley".  Things Carly needs to get reminded about:

- Police brutality
- 9/11

Wells romps back from his magical Batman date with Jami and feels the need to have a conversation with Ashley because he's attracted to Jami and is well aware of Ashley's "emotional fragility".  I'm starting to miss Josh.  

Izzy, about Brett:  "I look at him and think he's just this perfect guy".  Izzy always has this face on like she's about to sneeze or gag and I hate her.  She wouldn't know perfection if it bashed her in the pineapples. 

Enter Lauren, schoolteacher from Ben's season.  She says Brett's outfit looks like a "prison suit" and very quickly earns 900 gold stars.  

Boring-ass Shoshanna traipses into paradise and yoinks Wells.  She comes on clownishly strong after knowing him for two minutes ("You'll protect me [from the crabs].  I'll take you to the shower with me").  Meanwhile, Lauren steals Brett for a double date with Shoshanna and Wells; Izzy's worry and sadness in light of this make her nauseated.  NOW we're in business! Izzy's pain is my gain. 

The foursome go surfing and Brett comments on the smokin' hot women who've accompanied him:  "Today I brought my beeches to the beaches!".  OH MY GOD BRETT I FUCKING DESPISE YOUR ASS.

Lauren is flat-eyed and has a habit of twisting her mouth when she talks; this combo makes her look like she's trying to maintain composure while watching a dying bull shark thrash through the sand.

In Carly-and-Evan Land, Carly gives Evan a boner that requires a censor's black box....

Amanda wears a tank top that says "Hot Sauce" and Josh continues to sweat profusely as Amanda dreams of getting engaged to him.  

Josh takes Amanda on a date and tells her she's his best friend and that he's falling in love with her.  Cut to spectacular fireworks and Josh apparently not sweating through his shirt for the first time this season.  

Grant and Brett do this when Brett comes back from the double date and it's sublime:

We're getting SO DAMN CLOSE to the rip-roaring two-night finale!  Proposals galore!  Shoshanna-sobbing!  Nick's fortieth engagement ring purchase in five years!   This will be like infinity Christmases crashing into each other in my living room.  

Episode Stinger:  Brett destroys the lamp.  




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