We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.
Week 4: St. Yawn-mo's Fire
What the fuck is with the pseudo-sexual, culture-appropriating introduction they taped for Ashley?!
FADE IN:
EXT. BEACH - EVENING - ESTABLISHING
Ashley's tears crash down on the spirits of everybody in paradise. Jared attempts to crawl into himself and when that doesn't work he tries to be clear with her that he has no romantic feeling for her.
Sweet Jared, Ashley has a point, Caila wanted to be the next Bachelorette not date a guy who's dead behind the eyes from Rhode Island.
My favorite part of this episode was Jared trying to explain to Caila that the Ashley thing is no longer an issue while Ashley is audibly crying in the background.
Actual quote from Ashley, to Jared (JARED - we all remember his appearance and personality combo coming at ya like IBS and plantar warts, right?): "Nothing makes me happier than being with you!" Ashley lives a more miserable existence than Zelda from Ethan Frome and saintly Jorge yet again suffers for it when she retreats to the bar to sob her eyelash extensions into an inky paste.
After the commercial break, we see Josh EATING PIZZA AGAIN (my organs are failing), the Twins delighting the rest of the gang with Riverdance, and Carly forcing herself to pretend she's suddenly attracted to Evan so she can stay in paradise and wait for a new hunkalicious competitor to show up.
With everyone coupling up, the twins, Sarah, and Ashley have to battle for Daniel's rose.
Although, Daniel calling Jared ugly while talking to Ashley, let's talk about this. Daniel gets so real. Jared's fucking facial hair is killing me! Chris Harrison himself told him to shave that shit and this fucking asshole just grew it back. Guess what if it was patchy the first time, it's gonna be patchy the second.
I'm with Monica here - Daniel is the realest motherfucker since Chad, but Daniel is superior to Chad because he's able to have an analytical conversation with another human being without 1) eating cold cuts or 2) immediately making a mortal enemy of that person and of the audience. Daniel is a fascinating soul. Are you an "old" virgin? Have sex with ten guys in a month and chances are you'll find something that sticks. Also, sex with a virgin is comparable to vanquishing Charlie. Daniel McGuire is a jaw-droppingly terrifying man and I'm starting to think he should take over when Conan O'Brien retires.
Rose Ceremony:
Guys are dishing out the roses...
Grant - Lace
Josh - Amanda
Nick - Jen (Oh yeah, them. I forgot they'd coupled up and also that they existed.)
Vinny - Izzy
Evan - Carly
Jared - Caila (Ashley is so correct: Caila "smiles when you don't have to smile". She's utterly carefree, which is always a sign of being a spiritless turd.)
Daniel - Haley
Ashley and Sarah get sent home (Sarah probably baked the other half of that cake and cut it with this when she got home) ... First off, Ashley promised to vomit in Caila's gorgeous hair if Caila was given Jared's rose, so... huge disappointment. Then, Ashley just comes back to Paradise.
As the group is celebrating love or whatever the fuck they're doing, Ashley sidles up and asks the group if she can come back... WTF! That's a thing? You can just ask if you can stay! So while behind the camera the production team is holding everyone's contract over a lighter, they quickly agree to letting Ashley ruin Jared shot at "love." Caila's face is the best, though.
I'm certain Chris Harrison entered a rage-levitation and hurled his body like a laundry bag in front of the SUV carrying Ashley away. No way in HELL is she going home so soon. Not while reality TV's answer to Don Corleone is in charge.
Next morning, enter a bunch of unmemorable dudes from Bachelorette's past, named Carl and Brett.
Brett continues his "hilarious" tradition of arriving with a floor lamp and I am immolated by my own hatred. Lace's evaluation, "Those pants and flip-flops, though", earn her two Olympic medals.
Brett is totally into Caila, so Jared is freaking out while Ashley is preemptively celebrating Jared's heartbreak.
Evan's pithy observation: "Brett came in with a lamp, and Caila flipped the switch on Jared". Here is a photo of a person who's funnier than Evan:
Caila agrees to go on a date with Brett... waits for Jared's weak but understanding response (which I'm assuming Caila wanted Jared to piss on her and claim her as his property). So Caila declines Brett's offer and then she wants to go on the date and then doesn't and then she does and then she doesn't and after forever she finally agrees to go. Ugh... Caila, this is why you didn't get Bachelorette, you're the Jared of female contestants.
When Caila is first expressing interest in going on a date with Brett, she says to Jared, "I like you, but...I don't know" and it is the most hetero cis male response of all time. I'm tempted to respect her for this unintentional revenge tactic on behalf of feminists. The ambivalence that follows, however, shows how much of a twee little attention hog she is and I want to throw her (underhand, as if I'm back in grammar school trying in vain to sink a basketball) into the choppy waves.
All things considered, Jared takes Caila's final decision pretty well:
Booze Cruise!!!! And no one can remember Carl's name, but Emily is totally into Kevin...Clark...Curt...Scott... CARL!!
Brett just wants to go Magic Mike on Caila so she'll ride him like Seabiscuit, and she responds:
Then she returns to paradise and starts making out with Jared and Ashley yet again recedes into her chasm of love-starved despair.
The most vanilla person who ever lived, Ryan, suddenly appears to find love and Jared leaps at the chance to dump his stalker on someone. MISSION FAILED so here comes the Bearded Bland-O creepin on Haley and scoring a date, to Daniel's chagrin. Haley is very eager to hang out with Ryan because the Canadian Don Juan makes her want to cough gobs of puke into the air, totally unbeknownst to him. Ryan's claim to Bachelor Nation fame is being forgettable and he follows through here. I kept forgetting he was on the magical horse date with Haley.
Then a rogue Grant and Lace appear and get heavenly massages and sip champagne in the hot tub. Grant dumps the love bomb on Lace and she bursts into tears of joy but can't reciprocate his feelings yet, which is obviously fine. What ISN'T fine is Izzy's wandering schmoopie-eye. Izzy thinks Brett is "beautiful" and suddenly seems to think Vinny is sort of cool or whatever but basically as attractive as a colonoscopy. Izzy sits Vinny down and tells him she's "only 75%" into him and wants to "be 100%". Vinny has to understand that Izzy totally sees herself being 100% with a lamp-toting doofus she's known for literally 15 minutes. Vinny reacts by mentioning Brett's rolled-up jeans and sandals to the camera while simmering with wounded anger. A+++++++
Grant keeps the lighting-related hilarity rolling by telling the camera, "Some guy walked in a with a lamp, and.....a light bulb went off in Izzy's head, I guess". (Do these guys get paid by the pun?) Carly astutely observes that if Izzy dumped Vinny based solely on looks, her feelings for Vinny from the get-go were most likely some fluffy-ass bullshit.
Looks like nobody was in it to Vin it!
And now, the "dramatic new" second helping:
Vinny gently confronts Izzy about her opportunism and Izzy stares at him like this before sobbing at his farewell announcement:
Evan pours sympathy into the tropical air because the gang just saw their "first breakup". Uh, Evan, Carly has already broken up with you 4-7 times; wake up.
Out of nowhere, Jade and Tanner! The gang is invigorated by the living proof that you can find everlasting love in paradise. (I will bet you ten thousand dollars they'll divorce before good old "School to Prison Pipeline" Clinton ends her first term. If you didn't get enough of Jade and Tanner, see them on the upcoming season of Celebrity Marriage Boot Camp. Not kidding.) The marrieds start sniffing around to determine who's clicking and who isn't, dragging us into Operation RIP Lace and Grant.
Ashley tells J&T that Caila is a "fake person" and is certain her buddies won't give Caila and Jared a date card because they've "always had a soft spot for [Ashley] and Jared". Fifteen seconds later, to nobody's surprise but Ashely's, they enthusiastically toss Disney Kid and AshKutch the date card. TOTES HILAR.
Caila is totally provoking Ashley! If someone wants to claw your eyes out, maybe don't rub your relationship with her obsession in her face. Watch a couple Lifetime TV movies, people get murdered for less.
Jared frolics in the moonlit water with Caila on their date and says he can "see what Ben was talking about": There's just sooomething about that Caila that drives him wild. Knowing Jared, here's the three-part "something": 1. Smiles for no reason
2. Zero percent body fat
3. Awful
Carly and Evan participate in an intense spiritual ritual and the beckoning of The Rose is so loud in Carly's ears that she tells Evan she's "falling more and more for [him]". They make out in the sweat lodge and Carly is apparently no longer scarred by the Pepper Incident. Well, either that, or she recently spent four hours in Chris Harrison's dressing room as he snapped, "Seriously? Who ELSE is going to love you?! Just take the bait and stretch that 15 minutes of fame, you jabronie".
Ugh, watching Carly and Evan make out makes me feel like Haley after she kissed Daniel. Carly really needs to stop mentioning her "lady boner."
Caila tells Jared that Ashley is in love with him and Jared sheepishly replies, "Well, I don't know if she's IN LOVE with me." Jared....
What say you, Week 5?! Will Lace admit she's not that into Grant's chiseled jaw and pack her bags? Will Josh smash a steaming Digiorno in Nick's face as they scream at each other about Amanda? Is Haley finally going to execute this pop culture nudge??
Until next time, Stay Daniel my friends!
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