We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.
**Needless to say, if you haven't watched episode 1, there are spoilers below.**
This season mumble-core Nick, after being the runner up on The Bachelorette (and frankly, America's hearts) two seasons in a row and then babysitting Bachelor Nation rejects on his redemption tour in Bachelor in Paradise, shall sift through 30 women on national television to find one that can tolerate his massive ego for at least a few months. And every time someone this season says, "Fourth times a charm," a little piece of me dies.
The premiere is absolutely screaming for viewers not to hate Nick as his intro rolls along: Here's Nick goofily announcing himself as "The Bachelor" (as if to say, "Gee willikers, America, I can't believe they chose lil ol' me to do this!"); Nick doing cardio and presenting his .0004% body fat (so unique after years of lean people getting discriminated against by ABC...EYEROLL); Nick showering in a pervy low-angle shot (wtf...never mind, it's a Chris Harrison show; I'm not surprised).
Then we roll down Memory Lane (in a carriage driven by a screaming Willy Wonka) to see Nick's stints with Andi, Kaitlyn, and the Ladies of Paradise. To reference Monica's "mumble-core Nick": I adore how ABC tries to pass off Nick's mumbling, covering of his mouth when he speaks, and failure to establish eye contact as "endearingly quirky" when it all just pegs him as a filthy liar. In the obligatory "big family with solid midwestern values" sequence, his own sister tells him to cut the body language bullshit.
As he anticipates meeting the "lucky" ladies of his season, Nick sits down with former Bachelors Ben, Cacklin' Chris, and Sean so they can remind him he's built a solid reputation as a "giant toolbag" (thank you so much for that, Sean). THIS time, things are gonna be SO DIFFERENT, bro.Nick V. "I'll never give up. Not until I find love."— JoJo (@bacheloretteFTW) January 3, 2017
All of us: "PLEASE GOD FIND LOVE THIS SEASON."#TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/rL6x8X25M1
There was a commercial for the live action Beauty and The Beast movie which could mean only one thing, a Beauty and The Beast themed date or maybe its a bigger theme that once the final rose loses all its petals Nick's TV career is over.
Now let's take a look at these future Instagram celebrities in the order of their arrivals to the mansion:
(FYI, most of the women this season didn't bring props or lame joke with them to the mansion, so other than 11 red dresses we are not working with much here.) .
Danielle L., 27, Small Business Owner, Los Angeles, CA - (black dress). She's introduced with a midriff shot (good job ABC), owns nail salons, and has perfect eyebrows.
Elizabeth, 24, Marketing Manager, Dallas, TX - (white dress) Right off the bat we can tell this is a gal with some good ol' down-home Southern charm! She looks like she wants to go Hannibal Lecter on Nick's face...out of lust, of course.
Rachel, 31, Attorney, Dallas, TX - (red dress) - She makes a joke(?) about setting up her fantasy team before she left to film? I don't know or care about sports. She also likes to dance while vacuuming, so she's a winner in my book.
Christen, 25, Wedding Videographer, Tulsa, OK - (yellow dress) - She does this thing with a fan as she's stepping out of the limo. She sets up her catchphrase for the season after tossing her fan: "How crazy do you think I am right now?" I hate this woman.
Taylor, 23, Mental Health Counselor, Seattle, WA - (maroon dress) - Her friends think Nick is a piece of shit and his face does this thing:
Kristina, 24, Dental Hygienist, Lexington, KY - (blue dress) -
Angela, 26, Model, Greenville, SC - (red dress) -
Lauren, 30, Law School Graduate, Naples, FL - (gold sequins dress) - Her last name is Hussey and his last name is Viall (which she pronounces vile...understandably) and together they can be a "disgusting slut"? No, that's not right. Why are the words slut and whore used so much on this goddamn show!?!
Michelle, 24, Food Truck Owner, Los Angeles, CA - (purple? dress)
Dominique, 25, Restaurant Server, Los Angeles, CA - (red dress) - She's makes a 'fourth times a charm' comment, so naturally she made my shit list.
Ida Maria, 23, Sales Manager, Harlingen, TX - (blue dress) - Someone has been watching too much Tosh.0 because she think trust falls are still a thing. Remember when you tried to get into Daniel Tosh's comedy and then he made a rape joke so you rolled up your sleeves and galsplained to your guy friends why he's not funny.
Olivia, 25, Apparel Sales Representative, Anchorage, AK - (black dress w/ fur coat) - Fur is fucked! At least she's going home. They do a Eskimo kiss, you know, because Alaska. I wonder if she can see Russia from her house.
Sarah, 26, Grade School Teacher, Newport Beach, CA - (light purple dress) - She forgoes the limo to jog up to Nick and makes a runner up joke. Her little cardio blast is accompanied by fake-ass 80s montage music.
Jasmine G., 29, Pro Basketball Dancer, San Francisco, CA - (teal dress) - She brought Neil Lane with her in the limo so him and Nick could have a little reunion. Neil has with him three engagement rings she picked out that would all be acceptable if a two time runner up were to ask for her hand in marriage. She's practical and I like it. Nick, don't you think about using any of those rings on some other girl.
Hailey, 23, Photographer, Vancover, Britsh Columbia, Canada - (red dress) - She makes a joke that basically boils down to her not wearing underwear. (Semper ubi sub ubi.) Nick reacts to her "joke" with his usual fiery delight:
Astrid, 26, Plastic Surgery Office Manager, Tampa, FL - (purple dress) - She talks about her boobs in German. Fun.
Liz, 29, Doula, Las Vegas, NV - (blue sequins dress) - Liz has a secret and it's that she went to the bone zone with Nick at Jade and Tanner wedding about 9 months ago. If everyone on this show wasn't paper thin, I would totally be looking forward to the I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant-esque episode where she has a toilet baby in the mansion. I was extremely curious to see Nick's reaction to the emergence of this notch on his bedpost (I mean, let's not waste our time pretending she's been anything more to him). I was not disappointed:
He insults everyone's intelligence by giving her a stiff, half-assed second hug as if he's thrilled she's back in his life and, as she struts into the mansion, gazes wistfully at the moon and stars, and by that I mean stares into the middle distance like this:
I know he gets a lot of (undeserved) attention, but I think he knows who this woman is. Let's see if a "little mystery" works in her favor, or if he's going to see a neon "Cock Block" sign on her forehead every time she appears.
Corinne, 24, Business Owner, Miami, FL - (maroon dress) - She hands Nick a hug token to collect later. She also happens to have a nanny. Not a maid or a personal assistant, but a person employed to care for a child in its own home. She's running the family's "multi-million dollar business" and she needs a nanny. I guess I should be impressed she didn't try to make herself sound more professional?
Vanessa, 29, Special Education Teacher, Montreal, Quebec, Canada - (black & white dress) - She speaks in French to Nick and he calls her "a keeper." French-speaking AND loves dedicating her career to a marginalized group? I'm on board so far...just disappointed she's naive enough to tell the camera with a straight face that Nick seems like a "genuine person". Is she in for a douche-a-riffic treat!
Danielle M., 31, Neonatal Nurse, Nashville, TN - (red dress) - She brings Nick some real maple syrup and they banter about french toast. She gets introduced by Colbie Caillat-esque strings, looks like she sampled some valerian root and chamomile tea when she speaks to the camera, has high cheekbones, and takes care of helpless lil infant baby tots, so I'm pegging her as a shoo-in for the final five.
Raven, 25, Fashion Boutique Owner, Hoxie, AR - (sparkly dress) - She makes Nick "Call the hawks" with her. I don't know. If my name was Raven, every time I exited a room I would say, "never more." She tells the camera all her town has are "family, faith, and football", which I'm sure she means as a proud declaration but I see as a horrific confession.
Jaimi, 28, Chef, New Orleans, LA - (black dress) - She shows Nick her balls. I don't feel like explaining it. I'll take a shot - her septum is pierced. This would have really been something to shout about in 1994.
Briana, 28, Surgical Unit Nurse, Salt Lake City, UT - (purple sparkly dress) - She takes Nick's pulse.
Susannah, 26, Account Manager, San Diego, CA - (red dress) - She gives Nick his first beard massage.
Josephine, 24, Registered Nurse, Santa Cruz, CA - (red dress) - She has a book within which there is a hole that contains a wiener and by wiener I mean uncooked hot dog. Her and Nick Lady and the Tramp it and that make us all wieners. Right?
I give her one hundred gold stars for shriekily flopping around like a millenial Ruth Buzzi and the "kitty head massage" scene.
Brittany, 26, Travel Nurse Santa Monica, CA - (red dress) - She puts on some latex gloves and has Nick bend over and isn't that the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I hope Nick can afford the deductible.
Jasmine B., 25, Flight Attendant, Tacoma, WA - (red dress) -
Whitney, 25, Pilates Instructor, Chanhassen, MN - (red dress)
Lacey, 25, Digital Marketing Manager, Manhattan, NY - (red dress) - She rides in on a camel because she heard Nick likes a good hump.
Alexis, 23, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer, Secaucus, NJ - (shark costume) - This dolphin loving Jersey Girl keeps telling everybody she's wearing a dolphin costume. However, with the gills it's obviously not a dolphin. Is she gas-lighting everyone? Not only that, but dolphin costumes exist on the internet.
When Nick emerges from the limo to find smug house father Chris Harrison gazing upon him with his usual mixture of ironic affection and distaste, we already know we're in for a terrifying ride...oh, sorry, JOURNEY. Corinne tells the camera she does this when she looks into Nick's eyes:
Nick says the word "process" and it doesn't get edited out, which hints ABC gives even less of a fuck these days than I thought. I say it will take two more seasons until Trump's America gives us Stephen Baldwin as The Bachelor, where Alec will compete disguised as an elusive Parisian woman named Faux LaRuse to sabotage him.
Corinne gets the first kiss, which Nick calls a "strong move" and admits "didn't make [him] feel totally comfortable" (translation: "You're overbearing and I hate you and your weird PDA tokens.").
But wait...what's that we hear Corinne say post-kiss??
"I'm here for Nick...Nick, Nick, Nick, Nickelodeon (singing)."
One of the girls calls out that dolphin/shark/trout/snake/whatever-costume-wearing Alexis is her "spirit animal", which comes as a relief because there simply wasn't enough ignorance-fueled shitting on Indigenous people in 2016; way to kick off the new year right!
Nick finally confronts Liz with the classic "why didn't you get in touch with me after we had sex" guilt-trip. Looks like that dash o' mystery routine is biting you in the ass, Liz!
After interminable tension, the first Rose Ceremony speeds in like one of the trucks from Maximum Overdrive. Corinne is allegedly so nervous she begins to go blind.
Liz scores the last rose of the night, and the "parade of rejects" unrolls in all its glory. Lauren says she needs to start "finding guys who see [her] worth". Calm your sparkle dress, Lauren: After this exposure, you're going to wake up to roughly 18,000 social media suitors. Briana dissolves in tears and acknowledges this show "wasn't the place to find [love]". Uh, yeah; this isn't the place for anyone to find anything except Veuve Cliquot and a soulless-eyed fecal nugget with a crop-dusted beard.
The girls that were sent home this episode:
- The Fur Coat
- The Trust Fall
- The Flight Attendant (we did that last season)
- The Vile Hussie
- The Pulse Taker
- The Beard Massager
- The Model
- The Food Truck Girl
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