Nick Nick Boom: Week 2 Recap

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor Season 21 Recap.

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

**Needless to say, if you haven't watched episode 2, there are spoilers below.**

Side Note: I'm not sure if you can start with a side note, but I'm doing it.  I've been thinking about this Corinne/Nanny business for a week now and I think I might get it.  Other household assistants (i.e. maids, butlers, &c.) only provide services like cleaning, greeting guests, preparing food but having a nanny is like paying a stranger to fulfill a mom/daughter relationship without conflicts.  The only time you could disappoint your nanny is if the check doesn't clear.  Otherwise, you spend time baking cookies, watching Gilmore Girls arguing about whether or not Rory is a good journalist while she teaches you how to knit.  Who is suppose to hold my hand while I'm crossing the street when my mom's at work?  My nanny, that's who!

Let's get into the episode!  

From the opening scenes, we can see that they are plying the girls with liquor.  Rachel makes a comment about only getting 2 hours of sleep.  I feel like The Bachelor production team is showing their cards this season or maybe I'm just starting to notice it.  Liquor plus sleep deprivation plus dehydration equals crazy girls and good "reality."

Josephine is "bursting with excitement", thankfully not hard enough to explode the clasps on her overalls, because Nick is so attractive with his "genuine nature".  Can we get our hands on what I assume is a collection of VHS tapes hidden in a government vault that show this alleged genuine quality?  All I've seen thus far is a languid but persistent hunger for reality show fame. 

Chris Harrison stops by the mansion with a little exposition and a date card.  This week will have 2 group dates and 1 one on one date.

1st Date Card - Always a Bride's Maid...
w/ Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine G., Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, Elizabeth

Nick prances up to the group wearing dark button-down and slacks, looking like a hungover lounge fly, and Lacey tells the camera he looks great, but then again, he could "wear a potato sack" and look amazing.  This conjures an intriguing image because Nick is a human potato sack. 

The theme of this date is wedding photos with Franco LaCosta.  Franco has a rack of bridal gowns that each have a cute little theme.  Vanessa is the 80's bride (my favorite dress) with Raven and Jasmine G. as her bride's maids.  Alexis is our pregnant shotgun bride because after being a shark/dolphin last episode we need a shot of balancing a drink on her pregnant belly.

Alexis expresses her disappointment over this look, telling the camera she thought "shotgun bride" meant "looking hot and sexy with guns".  Nineteen hundred gold stars.

Brittany is the Adam and Eve bride because that's a thing and it's not The Bachelor if they don't make one contestant get near naked on the first group date.  Sarah is the Las Vegas bride.  Hailey is the biker bride.  Danielle L. is the boring traditional bride with Lacey as her bride's maid.  Taylor is the princess bride which sadly has nothing to do with the movie.  Corinne is the beach bride which involves just a bikini and a veil.

Corinne is feeling super confident about her bikini "gown" since all the other girls are all covered up in taffeta and lace.  Nick won't be able to see all their lady parts.  How's he supposed to know the difference between them and Chris Harrison.  And then Brittany walks in with her leaf covered bikini bottoms and nothing but her long wavy hair covering her nips.  Challenge accepted, Brittany.  Corinne is here to win... a vacation in Mexico on the next season of Bachelor in Paradise.

Highlights of the date:  1) When the ladies march down the steps for their fake wedding photos with Nick (who appears to be wearing a suit made of mylar), the "TGIF sax" version of wedding march music plays. 2) Whoever plants one on Nick during her respective shoot gets a response that makes lukewarm corn syrup look like mulled wine.  Nick should have laid out a "no kissing until Episode 4" policy when the girls first got the mansion.  He is literally a dead body getting dragged around by Franco in "Weekend at Douchey's".

Let's take a moment to appreciate Franco's outfit.

Corinne wins the challenge and sashays out with a triumphant giggle while the other girls applaud and smile in a rare show of sportswomanship:

(The woman in the foreground is Franco).

Corinne ups the ante for the group date after dark activities.  After a thorough make out sesh (with Nick), Corinne interrupts not one but two other contestants time with Nick.  Classic taboo in the TV dating world.  When Taylor, the second girl to get interrupted, decides she good enough, smart enough and gosh darn-it people like her and she deserves her time with Nick.  Corinne can't boss her around.  Taylor comes back and asks if she can interrupt.  Boosh!

I am officially fucking sick of Basic Bitch Corinne.  When a person makes me long for the fang-baring "can i steal you....AGAIN" days of Olivia, there is a tremendous problem.  I'm 260% sure the producers have already drafted a rider to Nick's contract forbidding him from kicking her off until she makes it to the Final Six. 

Corinne's sloppy behavior gets her a safety rose, which incites well-deserved cynicism in a few of the empty-handed ladies.  Quoth the Raven:

"If you want a woman who leads with her sexuality, no wonder it's your fourth time.  I know that's mean, but..."

I have nothing against a person who leads with his/her sexuality and disagree with anyone getting shamed or dismissed for such, but Raven bringing up this is Nick's fourth go-round (you know, because he's a fucking failure and a half) gets her the biggest blue ribbon at the state fair.  

THIS TIME'S THE CHARM, GUYZ

Quotable quote from Corinne:  "When I was talking to Nick, he was, like, LISTENING.  Like, guys don't LISTEN to me!" 

NOBODY LISTENS TO YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A SELF-ABSORBED ASSHAT GET OFF THE SHOW AND GO TO MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER 

2nd Date Card - Our Relationship is About To Take Off...
w/ Danielle M.

There is not much to say here.  Typical Bachelor date: Helicopter to the yacht to the hot tub to the dinner that never gets touched.  She tells Nick about losing her fiancee to drug addiction.

(Is it just me or are they rushing all the story lines they usually space out through the season?  What do they have up their sleeves?)

Nick whines about getting dumped by both Andi and Kaitlyn after making it to the Final Two on their respective seasons, and how when you love you have to be vulnerable, or something.  Danielle M. hangs on every word, enraptured:

When Danielle M. is getting candid with Nick about her fiance's death, he looks like he's biting his tongue to keep from saying "Ah, come on, babe, don't talk on our first date about other bros you slept with. Daaang."

3rd Date Card - We Need To Talk...
w/ Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina, Liz

Before this date, Liz tells her new friend/fellow contestant, Christen, all about her post-Jade-and-Tanner-nuptial coitus with Nick.  Great idea!  This won't backfire.

Why is this girl telling another girl she slept with Nick? Girl. Shut up. She isn't your friend.

— roxane gay (@rgay) January 10, 2017

The theme of this date is break ups because Nick has some baggage from nine months ago that he needs to dump. 
 
Apparently, Hollywood has a Museum of Broken Relationships and when a man takes you here on your first date it means you will not make it to the final four.  Prove me wrong, Nick.

We get to see a relic from Nick's history here in the museum, a dead rose and his engagement ring to Kaitlin (the second bachelorette to dump him).

It's a bit much. 

Poor Christen was giddily clasping her hands, hoping they were going to be on a talk show.  Instead, she's forced to visit an emo breakup exhibit and listen to Nick whine about Kaitlyn the Heart-Smashing Canadian.  The producers would rather film this shit than show the gang traipsing around with Jimmy Kimmel?  Okay. 

All the girls get to break up with Nick in cute little skits.  Astrid hands him his rose back, Kristina does some dental hygienist-esque thing, Jaimi tells him he's messy, Christen's was forgettable because I forgot it (she accuses Nick of calling her fat....um, is some latent self-shaming coming to the surface, Christen?  Are you okay?), Josephine slaps him and won my heart, and Liz... oh fuck, why?  Liz retells the story of them meeting at a wedding in front of all the other girls and only Christen knows it's actually true.  Everyone else just thinks she's a shitty story teller/dumper. 

I love Liz's turn from second one:

Liz: *cracking mini notebook* "So Nick..."

Nick:  

(forty minutes later)

Liz:  "I came to learn that I was afraid of letting you in..."

Nick:  

What now lives in Pulp Fiction-esque infamy as The Liz Situation is proving itself quite the burden on Nick's good time, and the world can hear the exit limo's engine revving...


Why did I write "David Blaine" in my notes?

During group date night time activities, Nick fishes for information as to whether or not the other girls know about him and Liz's past.  Christen spills the beans!  She knows and Nick is not happy.  After an awkward conversation with Liz, he sends her home before she can do more damage.  Good job saving face, Nick.  Now Nick can control the narrative of their night together as he comes clean to all the girls on group date.

Nick's to do list: Send Liz home bc she suuuucks. That's it. #TheBachelor

— Juan Pablo (@juanpablofake) January 10, 2017

Liz feebly tries to explain why she never got in touch with Nick after the sex, and all she accomplishes is looking like a generic brand Julianne Moore and making no sense.  When Corinne begins to look like a more valuable competitor, it's time to pack your bags.  Did Liz not learn from Frasier that "we need to talk" is always a death knell? 

FYI, Kristina's accent is Russian!  Not knowing was killing me.

Episode Stinger:  Alexis celebrates her boobs' birthday with Nick.  Sigh.

Nick Nick Boom: Week 1 Recap

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor Season 21 Recap.

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

**Needless to say, if you haven't watched episode 1, there are spoilers below.**

This season mumble-core Nick, after being the runner up on The Bachelorette (and frankly, America's hearts) two seasons in a row and then babysitting Bachelor Nation rejects on his redemption tour in Bachelor in Paradise, shall sift through 30 women on national television to find one that can tolerate his massive ego for at least a few months.  And every time someone this season says, "Fourth times a charm," a little piece of me dies.
 
The premiere is absolutely screaming for viewers not to hate Nick as his intro rolls along:  Here's Nick goofily announcing himself as "The Bachelor" (as if to say, "Gee willikers, America, I can't believe they chose lil ol' me to do this!"); Nick doing cardio and presenting his .0004% body fat (so unique after years of lean people getting discriminated against by ABC...EYEROLL); Nick showering in a pervy low-angle shot (wtf...never mind, it's a Chris Harrison show; I'm not surprised). 

Then we roll down Memory Lane (in a carriage driven by a screaming Willy Wonka) to see Nick's stints with Andi, Kaitlyn, and the Ladies of Paradise.  To reference Monica's "mumble-core Nick":  I adore how ABC tries to pass off Nick's mumbling, covering of his mouth when he speaks, and failure to establish eye contact as "endearingly quirky" when it all just pegs him as a filthy liar. In the obligatory "big family with solid midwestern values" sequence, his own sister tells him to cut the body language bullshit.
  

Nick V. "I'll never give up. Not until I find love."
All of us: "PLEASE GOD FIND LOVE THIS SEASON."#TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/rL6x8X25M1

— JoJo (@bacheloretteFTW) January 3, 2017

As he anticipates meeting the "lucky" ladies of his season, Nick sits down with former Bachelors Ben, Cacklin' Chris, and Sean so they can remind him he's built a solid reputation as a "giant toolbag" (thank you so much for that, Sean).  THIS time, things are gonna be SO DIFFERENT, bro. 
 
There was a commercial for the live action Beauty and The Beast movie which could mean only one thing, a Beauty and The Beast themed date or maybe its a bigger theme that once the final rose loses all its petals Nick's TV career is over.  

Now let's take a look at these future Instagram celebrities in the order of their arrivals to the mansion:

(FYI, most of the women this season didn't bring props or lame joke with them to the mansion, so other than 11 red dresses we are not working with much here.)  .

Danielle L., 27, Small Business Owner, Los Angeles, CA - (black dress). She's introduced with a midriff shot (good job ABC), owns nail salons, and has perfect eyebrows.

Elizabeth, 24, Marketing Manager, Dallas, TX - (white dress) Right off the bat we can tell this is a gal with some good ol' down-home Southern charm!  She looks like she wants to go Hannibal Lecter on Nick's face...out of lust, of course.

Rachel, 31, Attorney, Dallas, TX - (red dress) - She makes a joke(?) about setting up her fantasy team before she left to film?  I don't know or care about sports.  She also likes to dance while vacuuming, so she's a winner in my book.

Christen, 25, Wedding Videographer, Tulsa, OK - (yellow dress) - She does this thing with a fan as she's stepping out of the limo.  She sets up her catchphrase for the season after tossing her fan:  "How crazy do you think I am right now?"  I hate this woman. 

Taylor, 23, Mental Health Counselor, Seattle, WA - (maroon dress) - Her friends think Nick is a piece of shit and his face does this thing:

Mental health counselor with a Master's from Johns Hopkins, huh?  If she doesn't determine Nick is a fucking sociopath in the first three episodes, she should go back through the curriculum real quick.

Kristina, 24, Dental Hygienist, Lexington, KY - (blue dress) -

Angela, 26, Model, Greenville, SC - (red dress) -

Lauren, 30, Law School Graduate, Naples, FL - (gold sequins dress) - Her last name is Hussey and his last name is Viall (which she pronounces vile...understandably) and together they can be a "disgusting slut"?  No, that's not right.  Why are the words slut and whore used so much on this goddamn show!?!

Michelle, 24, Food Truck Owner, Los Angeles, CA - (purple? dress)

Dominique, 25, Restaurant Server, Los Angeles, CA - (red dress) - She's makes a 'fourth times a charm' comment, so naturally she made my shit list.

Ida Maria, 23, Sales Manager, Harlingen, TX - (blue dress) - Someone has been watching too much Tosh.0 because she think trust falls are still a thing.  Remember when you tried to get into Daniel Tosh's comedy and then he made a rape joke so you rolled up your sleeves and galsplained to your guy friends why he's not funny. 

Olivia, 25, Apparel Sales Representative, Anchorage, AK - (black dress w/ fur coat) - Fur is fucked!  At least she's going home.  They do a Eskimo kiss, you know, because Alaska.  I wonder if she can see Russia from her house.

Sarah, 26, Grade School Teacher, Newport Beach, CA - (light purple dress) - She forgoes the limo to jog up to Nick and makes a runner up joke.  Her little cardio blast is accompanied by fake-ass 80s montage music.

Jasmine G., 29, Pro Basketball Dancer, San Francisco, CA - (teal dress) - She brought Neil Lane with her in the limo so him and Nick could have a little reunion.  Neil has with him three engagement rings she picked out that would all be acceptable if a two time runner up were to ask for her hand in marriage.  She's practical and I like it.  Nick, don't you think about using any of those rings on some other girl.

Hailey, 23, Photographer, Vancover, Britsh Columbia, Canada - (red dress) - She makes a joke that basically boils down to her not wearing underwear.  (Semper ubi sub ubi.)  Nick reacts to her "joke" with his usual fiery delight:

Astrid, 26, Plastic Surgery Office Manager, Tampa, FL - (purple dress) - She talks about her boobs in German.  Fun.

Liz, 29, Doula, Las Vegas, NV - (blue sequins dress) - Liz has a secret and it's that she went to the bone zone with Nick at Jade and Tanner wedding about 9 months ago.  If everyone on this show wasn't paper thin, I would totally be looking forward to the I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant-esque episode where she has a toilet baby in the mansion. I was extremely curious to see Nick's reaction to the emergence of this notch on his bedpost (I mean, let's not waste our time pretending she's been anything more to him).  I was not disappointed:

He insults everyone's intelligence by giving her a stiff, half-assed second hug as if he's thrilled she's back in his life and, as she struts into the mansion, gazes wistfully at the moon and stars, and by that I mean stares into the middle distance like this:

I know he gets a lot of (undeserved) attention, but I think he knows who this woman is.  Let's see if a "little mystery" works in her favor, or if he's going to see a neon "Cock Block" sign on her forehead every time she appears.

Corinne, 24, Business Owner, Miami, FL - (maroon dress) - She hands Nick a hug token to collect later.  She also happens to have a nanny.  Not a maid or a personal assistant, but a person employed to care for a child in its own home.  She's running the family's "multi-million dollar business" and she needs a nanny.  I guess I should be impressed she didn't try to make herself sound more professional?

Vanessa, 29, Special Education Teacher, Montreal, Quebec, Canada - (black & white dress) - She speaks in French to Nick and he calls her "a keeper." French-speaking AND loves dedicating her career to a marginalized group?  I'm on board so far...just disappointed she's naive enough to tell the camera with a straight face that Nick seems like a "genuine person".  Is she in for a douche-a-riffic treat!

Danielle M., 31, Neonatal Nurse, Nashville, TN - (red dress) - She brings Nick some real maple syrup and they banter about french toast. She gets introduced by Colbie Caillat-esque strings, looks like she sampled some valerian root and chamomile tea when she speaks to the camera, has high cheekbones, and takes care of helpless lil infant baby tots, so I'm pegging her as a shoo-in for the final five.

Raven, 25, Fashion Boutique Owner, Hoxie, AR - (sparkly dress) - She makes Nick "Call the hawks" with her.  I don't know.  If my name was Raven, every time I exited a room I would say, "never more." She tells the camera all her town has are "family, faith, and football", which I'm sure she means as a proud declaration but I see as a horrific confession.

Jaimi, 28, Chef, New Orleans, LA - (black dress) - She shows Nick her balls.  I don't feel like explaining it. I'll take a shot - her septum is pierced. This would have really been something to shout about in 1994.

Briana, 28, Surgical Unit Nurse, Salt Lake City, UT - (purple sparkly dress) - She takes Nick's pulse.

Susannah, 26, Account Manager, San Diego, CA - (red dress) - She gives Nick his first beard massage.  

Josephine, 24, Registered Nurse, Santa Cruz, CA - (red dress) - She has a book within which there is a hole that contains a wiener and by wiener I mean uncooked hot dog.  Her and Nick Lady and the Tramp it and that make us all wieners.  Right?   

I give her one hundred gold stars for shriekily flopping around like a millenial Ruth Buzzi and the "kitty head massage" scene.

Brittany, 26, Travel Nurse Santa Monica, CA - (red dress) - She puts on some latex gloves and has Nick bend over and isn't that the beginning of a beautiful friendship.  I hope Nick can afford the deductible.  

Jasmine B., 25, Flight Attendant, Tacoma, WA - (red dress) -

Whitney, 25, Pilates Instructor, Chanhassen, MN - (red dress)

Lacey, 25, Digital Marketing Manager, Manhattan, NY - (red dress) - She rides in on a camel because she heard Nick likes a good hump.

Alexis, 23, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer, Secaucus, NJ - (shark costume) - This dolphin loving Jersey Girl keeps telling everybody she's wearing a dolphin costume.  However, with the gills it's obviously not a dolphin.  Is she gas-lighting everyone?  Not only that, but dolphin costumes exist on the internet.

Oh wait?  Not sexy enough for you.  I also found one that is more of a skimpy dress with a tale, but still more like a dolphin then this left shark costume they found in a dumpster outside the 2015 superbowel.

When Nick emerges from the limo to find smug house father Chris Harrison gazing upon him with his usual mixture of ironic affection and distaste, we already know we're in for a terrifying ride...oh, sorry, JOURNEY.   Corinne tells the camera she does this when she looks into Nick's eyes:

 "LalalalalaLADYSTOPIT."

Nick says the word "process" and it doesn't get edited out, which hints ABC gives even less of a fuck these days than I thought. I say it will take two more seasons until Trump's America gives us Stephen Baldwin as The Bachelor, where Alec will compete disguised as an elusive Parisian woman named Faux LaRuse to sabotage him. 

Corinne gets the first kiss, which Nick calls a "strong move" and admits "didn't make [him] feel totally comfortable" (translation:  "You're overbearing and I hate you and your weird PDA tokens."). 

But wait...what's that we hear Corinne say post-kiss??

"I'm here for Nick...Nick, Nick, Nick, Nickelodeon (singing)."   

 

One of the girls calls out that dolphin/shark/trout/snake/whatever-costume-wearing Alexis is her "spirit animal", which comes as a relief because there simply wasn't enough ignorance-fueled shitting on Indigenous people in 2016; way to kick off the new year right!

Nick finally confronts Liz with the classic "why didn't you get in touch with me after we had sex" guilt-trip.  Looks like that dash o' mystery routine is biting you in the ass, Liz! 

After interminable tension, the first Rose Ceremony speeds in like one of the trucks from Maximum Overdrive.  Corinne is allegedly so nervous she begins to go blind. 

Liz scores the last rose of the night, and the "parade of rejects" unrolls in all its glory.   Lauren says she needs to start "finding guys who see [her] worth".  Calm your sparkle dress, Lauren: After this exposure, you're going to wake up to roughly 18,000 social media suitors.  Briana dissolves in tears and acknowledges this show "wasn't the place to find [love]".   Uh, yeah; this isn't the place for anyone to find anything except Veuve Cliquot and a soulless-eyed fecal nugget with a crop-dusted beard.


The girls that were sent home this episode:

• The Fur Coat
• The Trust Fall
• The Flight Attendant (we did that last season)
• The Vile Hussie 
• The Pulse Taker
• The Beard Massager
• The Model
• The Food Truck Girl

Buckle up for a season of ocean antics, spontaneous nudity, boy band romping, ACTUAL Nick tears, post-sex backlash, and overuse of Axe styling putty!   WOO PIG SOOIE!

Mega In-BEN-sity: Finally the Finale Recap

The official blog 'scuse me Bachelor recap.

Monica - blue
Tara - orange


Well, it's been eleven weeks and it's time to find out whether Ben can make up his mind.  Will he choose Lauren B. or JoJo?  Do we care?  Will this relationship at least last longer than a season of Dancing with the Stars?  Has time accelerated an hour?  Why have I been late to everything this week?

This probably does not need stating, but there be spoilers abound.

The entire night Chris Harrison keeps promising us that Ben and the lady that he chose will get married on stage live that night.  He's even flew in Ben's pastor.  So why on earth does he wait until the last ten minutes of the show to spring it on him?  I'm calling bullshit on you, Chris.  Not only that, but he flew out both of the girls' families and Neil Lane (with wedding bands) to perpetuate this lie.  The pastor is so ashamed to be party to such an elaborate hoax he can't even look up from his bible once.

 

Wow, JoJo's brothers passed on attending the festivities?  Shocking!  I bet they were circling the studio in camo overalls, clutching sniper rifles and furiously reciting The Lord's Prayer.  On that note, Lauren's brothers look like Mormon missionaries.

Now let's get to the actual episode, not that much happens.  Ben says he's in love with two women five thousand times so if that was part of your bachelor drinking game you would have blacked out before the proposal.

My #TheBachelor drinking game for tonight: every time Ben says he's in love with two women don't drink anything because you'll get too drunk

— elan gale (@theyearofelan) March 15, 2016

That's pretty much all I remember.  

Let's get back to the most dramatic episode of the Bachelor ever!  

Ben jump-starts the party by telling his emotionally tested-looking parents he's in love with two women.  His mom, Gloomy Gus, finds this "very disturbing".   Through this whole meet-and-greet, I was waiting for her to announce that feline AIDS is the number one killer of domestic cats.

Lauren meets the parents and brings a big bouquet of flowers and bottle of wine.

She gushes to Ben's dad that Ben is, "like, seriously, one of the most incredible people [she has] ever met" and the vocal fry is shattering.

Ben's mom reminds Lauren that Ben is "his own worst critic" (Translation:  "My son is a whiny little shit who will spend 80% of your marriage galloping around on a drama llama and you need to steel yourself for that.")

Ben tells the camera that he's realized "just how incredibly deep some of these feelings are", referring to his love for both Apple Cheeks and Marilyn Munster.

JoJo meets the parents and brings a little bouquet of flowers and jams it into a tacky shell.  I think this might be a life lesson for gifts you bring when you meet someone's parents, even if you're in Jamaica.  (Life Lessons this season: (1) Don't get dumped in a barn. (2) Always bring wine.)

JoJo gives an impassioned speech to the fam about loving Ben and sounds like Bart Simpson.  She cries during her one-on-one with Ben's dad, charming him to the point where he's no longer disappointed about her refusal to acknowledge he looks like Lee Marvin's younger brother who works at Vineyard Vines.


Is it weird that seeing the ring helps him make the decision?  I feel like there is a Lord of the Rings joke in there somewhere... Where is Stephen Colbert?

Ben spends most of the episode searching for "clarity" regarding who's the better choice and feeling "confused and conflicted".  He could have saved himself a lot of grief if he'd asked himself at Minute One, "Hmm, which of these women has siblings that DON'T want to sledgehammer my testicles? I should probably go with her".

When Ben vents to the camera before his last date with JoJo, once again saying he wants CLARITY, he has 1) a cowlick and 2) a facial expression that leads me to believe he thought he was auditioning for Ted in Bill and Ted's Jamaica Jam.  Ben is the worst Bachelor of all time.  When JoJo asks, "So, you feel good?" and Ben says "Um...that's a loaded question" in his skim milk voice, JoJo's exasperated look speaks for all of us.  I don't doubt that the writing tattooed on Ben's side is instructions for using a portable toilet without drowning.

I can't help but lose respect for JoJo (not that I had much to begin with) because she claims a proposal from Ben will complete her "fairy tale love story" despite the fact that Ben has spent all of this episode gaping at her like a flatlining squirrel.  She hops off the Endgame Helicopter and gets her hopes dashed when Ben tells her he liked hooking up with her at the Hoover Dam or whatever, but Lauren is where it's at right now so best of luck in all her endeavors.   Music that sounds like seventh-rate Phillip Glass plays as JoJo rides into the sunset and Ben weeps like a college kid who totally blew his history final.  The "epic conclusion" to Ben's hideous story is him proposing marriage to Lauren even thought he is in love (IN LOVE) with someone else.  Til death do you part!!

Sorry for the rant, but I'm menstrual right now:
I watched the first season of the Bachelor and then I didn't watch it again until Juan Pablo, undeniably the best bachelor.  So here's my two cents with my limited bachelor knowledge.  After whittling down a group of 28 women over 10-ish weeks, making sure you get rid of the xenophobes, the alcoholics, the ones not ready for adult relationships, the gluten free physical trainers, and the mini-horses, what's left?  Maybe a few women whose superficial surface characteristics you find attractive.  It's been two months, you don't really know anyone that well and every woman with a shot is on first date behavior on every date because this is a game show where you win a husband.  So it's not entirely surprising when they choose the zero drama, super attractive, perfect on paper one over, at the very least, what seems to be a stronger relationship based on reality, but I might just be a victim of fancy editing.  Ben, I'm sure you are totally in love with your soon to be wife who complained about your mouth breathing and your loud late night praying on Jimmy Kimmel.  No regrets. 

And now for what you have all been waiting for... The final scores of our fantasy league.  Tara's team, Comin' Around A-Ben, came in second with 4090 points.  As I clobber her successfully picking the final two, my team, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Ben, with 4750 points.  Boosh!

Mega In-BEN-sity: The Women Tell All Recap

The official blog 'scuse me Bachelor recap.

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

The Women Tell All is finally here!  The episode where Chris Harrison gets to channel his inner Barbara Walters and reopen the recently healed wounds of jealously, heartbreak, and embarrassment to the delight of a bloodthirsty audience.  

First, I'd like to talk about who showed up.  Of course, Caila came in her final bid to be the next Bachelorette.  The Chris Soules season alumni, Amber and Becca, showed up.  Shushanna spent her time since getting rejected by the bachelor learning English and wouldn't shut up.  We get it, you talk good now.  The twins came back.  I'm a little shocked that Chris Harrison didn't re-break Emily's thumb so he could tell them apart again.  Nice to see Rachel hasn't found employment yet.  That twin bed in her childhood room must be really comfortable.  (Side note:  It's kind of sad that out of all the fake jobs they make up for these people they couldn't think of one for her.  Are you trying to tell me that twin or chicken enthusiast are actual job descriptions?  Why not make Rachel a Watching the Price is Right in her pajamas enthusiast?  I could get behind that.)  Jami comes back to remind everyone that she's Canadian.  Jennifer, she could murder someone in front of me and I still wouldn't recognize her in a lineup, showed up.  What is it about her that gives me face blindness?  It's like I'm looking at a different person every time I see her.  Olivia, Leah, and Jubilee are pretty much there for everyone to yell at.  Strangely, Leah is the only one the audience turns on.  You don't mess with Lauren B.  Tiara and Izzy, eliminated on the first night, decide 'I want to be mean to Olivia and bring my chicken onto the show' let's do this! And Amanda and Lace are there too.

Now for my crackpot conspiracy theory!  Four very specific women didn't show up.  Samantha, Mandi, LB, and Jackie were all eliminated on week 2.  LB left on her own accord during the rose ceremony.  Is it possible that something went down that week that left a sour taste in their mouths?  Or were they just watching the Iowa Black & Brown Forum that night instead and didn't realize they got eliminated?  This is also the week where Ben is giving out gifts to some ladies during the cocktail party.  He makes barrettes with Amanda for her kids and gives Lauren B. a candid screenshot from one of their dates.  Maybe this is a way of coping with his guilt for some inappropriate behavior?  

The episode hit the ground running as Chris Harrison reminded us that mortal enemies Olivia and Emily were about to reunite and the camera cut to a woman grimacing in the audience.  I wish they had put her on the stage with a glass of cabernet and televised all her reactions to the moronic vitriol.

So glad Tiara's back on television:

Leah "Wish I Was Olivia" Event Planner tried to defend herself against three gals and a chicken calling her a filthy liar and failed so miserably an audience member's bob haircut almost flew off.

The ladies made a concerted effort to attack Jubilee for previously noting she was the only girl in the mansion with two black parents. She ended up in the Hot Seat for an uplifting therapy session with patron saint Chris Harrison.

Lace's self-loathing was revisited as she snickered in the Hot Seat.  I was hoping they'd replay the splendid "Ro-ZANN Ro-zanna-danna!" moment and was terribly disappointed.  Lace told Chris that watching her behavior on the show taught her not to interrupt people right before a dangerous Grade Z Joaquin Phoenix interrupted the discussion to show Lace the tattoo of her likeness he got on his torso. The blonde lady in the audience who recoiled in disgust gets 600 thousand gold stars.

Olivia got up for the Hot Seat as Emily and Haley looked at her like:

Olivia told Chris she's had a rough few months because people have posted brutal comments about her appearance on social media, but she did get a laugh from what she referred to as "the mouth stuff".   I assume she's talking about gems like these.

Did anyone else notice that Caila effortlessly wrote a Grammy bait ballad as she was carried away by the Reject Limo?  Verbatim quote:

I Didn't See This Coming - Caila

I was ready,

I was ready to get married,

I was ready,

I was ready to be his wife,

I was ready,

I was ready for our future,

That's all I thought about,

All I want in life is love,

I feel like I wanted it for so long,

I feel like I had that,

And it's gone

Was I hearing things or did Chris refer to Ben as "the most popular Bachelor in history" when he introduced him?   There is no way this human rice cake became more popular than Juan Pablo or Chris "GiggleMaster" Soules.

Chris challenged Ben to tell Emily and Haley apart and he succeeded (not a challenge - all he had to do was recognize who was looking at him with stronger hatred to know who Emily was). 

Those bloopers, man.   I could watch them all day, especially the ones with everyone getting attacked by insects.

Take your vitamins and stay hydrated, everyone - the season finale and Bachelor in Lace-a-dise will be here before you know it!

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 9 Recap

The official blog 'scuse me Bachelor recap.

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

Ben goes to Jamaica to wander the lush tropical terrain in Old Navy flip flops and destroy Caila's heart. 

There are a lot of shots in this episode of people looking out into the horizon pensively in classic Bachelor fashion.  

And what was with the Manwich commercial taking a direct assault on meatless Mondays.

#TheBachelor and Manwich are actually a perfect marketing pair because they both can make you feel really nauseated.

— Kami Mattioli (@kmattio) March 1, 2016

First Date:  Ben and Caila

Caila flies in on a rainbow as usual (as Ben so eloquently put it:  "Her smile and her beauty....her kinda bubbliness?  I knew that Caila was special".  (I know what Ben means, as it's a rare and precious thing for a girl to be physically attractive and act happy about shit.)

Caila may be smiling on the outside, but she harbors secret torment because she's in love with Ben and acknowledges JoJo and Lauren B. could feel the same.  She's "melancholy" on her atmospheric raft ride with Ben, even though he fires off pithy zingers such as, "It's like, I'm a twenty-six-year-old man who's, like, a little kid right now".

Caila is describing her hotel room with a view of some swings in the water and Ben's response is "You gotta get out there."  Yeah, Caila, you by yourself should go check that out.  And from that point on, I'm pretty sure Ben's already made up his mind about Caila, but he's not gonna let that ruin his night in the fantasy suite.  Classic scumbag and I hope Caila calls him out on that but she would lose her opportunity to be the next Bachelorette.

Caila, take a hint, he brought you to Jerk Centre for lunch!

Evening falls and Caila delivers her Love Confession to Ben.  Take a drink every time Caila uses "and" as a filler word during her big speech.  I apologize in advance for making you die.

Fantasy Suite Visit #1!  Caila wakes up looking radiant (shocking).  Caila can see herself waking up next to Ben for the rest of her life.  She, for the second time, tells Ben she loves him; he, for the second time, responds with empty-headed silence. That doesn't phase Caila - she can "feel in his breath" that he loves her back.  Did he revive her with mouth-to-mouth in a wacky deleted scene?

"DAMN YOU, CAILA!! FIGHT, FIGHT, FIIIIIGHT!"

Second Date:  Ben and Lauren B.

Lauren B. likes the water and the sunshine and is a typical brilliant conversationalist.  They get to dip baby sea turtles in the ocean to get the sand off their itty bitty bodies and the cuteness is physically painful.  Ben raves to the camera about his date filled with cuteness, implying that Lauren B. is as cute as the turtles, further proving he's a big old fuckin' dunderhead.

They check out an evening reggae show and linger behind a crowd of Jamaica residents / Bachelor interns and pretend to be really into the music.  Ben's bangs look like a dark tribble and he appears to be fighting sleep as he invites Lauren B. to the Fantasy Suite.  After she accepts, she finally says, "I am....completely in love with you".  Ben says he's in love with her too and the two of them yuk it up and make out on a couch.

Ben shows up with a breakfast tray the next morning and Lauren B. is very excited about the coffee (I suddenly feel a kinship).  

Third Date:  Ben and JoJo

JoJo tells the camera, "I wish there was more words to explain the way I feel when I'm with him".  Does she mean "more words currently listed in the Oxford Dictionary" or "more words I'm aware of"? 

She takes a thrilling jump into a river with Ben and is cool with it because she feels "so safe" with him.  I can't imagine Ben being able to protect someone from a dust mite, so I'm a little concerned.

Ben confesses his love for JoJo, sealing Caila's fate.  JoJo brings up a good point after Ben tells her he loves her.  Is he allowed to say that?  

Chris Harrison's face says no and I'm sure the fallout in two weeks when he doesn't marry both JoJo and Lauren will teach Ben a serious lesson in toying women's emotions.

They retire to the Fantasy Suite and definitely have sex.  Somewhere, in unforgiving darkness, JoJo's brothers scream at the ceiling and bite rage holes through their blankets.

Aftermath:  Operation Crush Caila

Caila creeps up on Ben simply exploding with loving bubbliness as he sits in a lawn chair and pretends to be deep in thought - the phoniness is so clunky and embarrassing, it makes me want to throw Emmys at this season.

Ben tells Caila she needs to shove off and that it's "really hard to imagine saying goodbye to [her]".  Caila replies, "That sounds like a line" and gets two thousand gold stars.

Caila sobs in the limo as Ben fondles his mouth in sadness AGAIN.  Ben tells the camera he hopes he didn't make a mistake (hidden meaning:  "I hope I'm not going to regret dumping Caila for a woman whose family literally wants to bury an axe in my face and dump my charred remains behind a 7-11").

Ben u r a scumbag an I lov it #TheBachelor

— Fake Juan Pablo (@juanpablofake) March 1, 2016

Fantasy League Update:  Both Lauren B. and JoJo are on my team and I currently have a 220 point lead.  Eat it, Tara!

Next Week - Dumpees Tell All! 

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 8 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

Ha!  I just realized that if you're reading this in a feed reader you probably can't see the different colors or if you're colorblind.  Whoops.  

This week Ben visits the remaining girls in their hometowns and meets their family.  It's awkward, uncomfortable, pretty true to life.

We open on Ben sitting atop a beach boulder as he processes the whittling of contestants from twenty-eight to four . He's suddenly in extreme close-up, staring at the waves, and I can safely say I've never in the history of my reality TV love seen anyone wear such a dimwitted expression.  It's important to mention I sat through three seasons of Rock of Love.

Amanda's Hometown:  Laguna Beach
I get it now.  Our squeaky voiced single mother of two is from Laguna Beach.

Like this Laguna Beach?

Ben gets to meet the kids today.  I think this is the moment he realizes if he marries her, he would be their stepdad.  Their weird TV Bachelor stepdad.     

 

 Charlie refuses to high five Ben.  Probably because he's clearly going for handshake.  Let's not conflate these things, Ben.  You are not ready for a handshake.

 

Kinsley ends up being super charming, the yin to Charlie's emotionally vacant yang. (Trivia:  Kinsley is six months older than Caila.)

 

Since this is the first hometown, I'm pretty sure Ben has convinced himself he could make this work if the next three hometowns are awful, which they are but apparently not as bad as a tearful child.

Here's a question:  Why is Amanda's dad's only example of sacrifices you have to make when you have children not being able to go to the gym with your friends?   Seriously?  Because I've been looking for excuses NOT to go to the gym.  

What's the difference between an intern and a crying baby who hates everyone and needs a nap? Literally nothing.

— Bachelor Interns (@BachelorInterns) February 23, 2016

When Ben is sitting outside with Amanda's mom, clutching his emergency merlot and swatting at gnats, it's clear he's checked out of his relationship with Amanda.  But he still has to sit through his interrogation with Amanda's gently skeptical dad and the bedtime story reading with Kinsley and Charlie ("Once upon a time in Los Angeles, a boy named Ben...").  I would bet one million dollars Chris Harrison wrote that story, and the as-yet-unveiled ending is "And Ben and Lauren B. annulled their marriage after four months and Ben joined the 2017 cast of Celebrity Apprentice and got fired after two episodes".

Lauren B.'s Hometown:  Portlandia

And no, they don't go on bike rides and get tattoos...

The best part of this day is that Portland has a Whisk(e)y Library

Oh yeah and Lauren's dad calls her Baby Lo Lo.  Best nickname!  

 

Lauren B. and Ben eat lunch at Portland's food trucks:

 

 

Then Lauren B. frets to the camera because she can't move forward with Ben if her family doesn't like him.  She's got a challenge ahead of her, considering it's time to haul out the Mean Skeptical Sister Bachelor trope (saucer-eyed Mollie).  Mollie asks Ben what makes Lauren B. stand out to him and he responds by crying, which oddly makes Mollie give Lauren B. and Ben her blessing instead of laughing derisively in Ben's face.

Baby Lo Lo's dad wears a Mr. Rogers sweater and is smug as fuck and I appreciate both things.  It's apparent he doesn't think his daughter's relationship with Ben has a chance in hell and can't wait for her to return home and re-activate her Match account.
 

Caila's Hometown:  Hudson, OH  (not sure if there is a TV show here guys, sorry)

Caila and Ben sit on a bench together and then go to her dad's toy factory to build a house.  I think she might be boring enough to be a female Ben, which is to say she's probably the next bachelorette.  I've been saying it for weeks folks.  I'm not giving up on this. 

 

Caila has a whale of a time building the toy house with Ben because she gets to keep it.  Because, you know, she's three. *rimshot*

 

Caila's dad is the adult version of Derek from Full House:

 

 

He tells Ben he's in the "most magical marriage ever" and wins the Ostentatious Cornball Award.  Then he grills Caila about the integrity of her relationship with Ben and she starts weeping and squeaking while he struggles to not roll his eyes.  He's got the emergency pinot noir and the precise Justin Timberlake ramen noodle hair, and he will take no emotional horseshit tonight.

 

Caila's mom (who's rocking a fun "80s aerobics instructor" up-do) asks Ben if he's ever met Filipinos before and he chillingly replies, "Uh, no! I don't think so!" 

JoJo's Hometown:  Dallas, TX

I hate to even mention the flowers JoJo finds on her doorstep with a long letter sent from her ex-bf "Chad" because it seems like production manipulated this situation.   Blah, blah, blah.

Most importantly, let's talk about JoJo's mom.  Firstly, she says to JoJo, "You're not gonna get hurt, you're beautiful."  Second, she should have her own show on HGTV because she knows how to decorate a ridiculous house.

 That said, I'm hoping painting like this are all over the house.

JoJo's dad looks a lot like this guy...

JoJo's mom reins it in.

 

JoJo's wearing those open-toed suede booties again!  NOOOOO......

 

JoJo's family rises about the stiff competition and wins for Most Ghoulish.  This hometown visit was like a Tales from the Crypt episode written by Abby Kohn and Marc Silverstein.  Her brothers are sneering gargoyles with a slimy, Freudian attachment to JoJo.  Her mother rocks twelve gallons of lip fillers and a bad Beverly Hills nose job and blows huge plumes of smoke up JoJo's ass.  Her dad is a prune-faced glass of flat Fresca who looks like he'd get arrested for insider trading.

 

Brother Matt, the more constipated of the two brothers, insists that JoJo keep her heart guarded and that Ben is "not as emotionally invested" as she is.  In other words, "Never date again because my Genetic Sexual Attraction will force me to commit murder otherwise".   The two brothers accuse Ben of getting coached to feed them platitudes (hilarious) and of wearing a "poker face" (inaccurate:  That's Ben's "moron face").

 

Brother Ben was on a reality dating show!!  Now his cynicism makes even more sense.

 

Cocktail Party:

First off, at the end of each of these hometown visits not one lady said she loved Ben.  According to twitter, not a good sign.

Ben sends Amanda home because apparently he really likes going to the gym.  

 

I guess becoming an insta-dad is a scarier thought to Ben than getting poisoned by the in-laws at Thanksgiving.  He takes another opportunity to weep like a turd after Amanda's limo takes off.

 

Credits treat:  Ben talks with Lauren B.'s invasive Stepford Child brothers about the Fantasy Suite. PASS THE MERLOT!

 

Join us next week as everyone confesses their love for each other and cries in sunny Jamaica!  If somebody says "mon", I'm going to put a hammer through my television.