Cinema with Comestible Accompaniments: Dragnet

A safe place for lovers of movies and pun-based food recipes with a fondness for TBS's Dinner and A Movie.  Oh yeah, and all the classic Dinner and A Movie recipes will be veganized. 

The Movie
Dragnet (1987)
Leonard Maltin Review:  **1/2 D: Tom Mankiewicz.  Dan Aykroyd, Tom Hanks, Christopher Plummer, Harry Morgan, Alexandra Paul, Jack O'Halloran, Elizabeth Ashley, Dabney Coleman, Kathleen Freeman.  Aykroyd is a comic reincarnation of Jack Webb, playing Sgt. Joe Friday's dense but dedicated nephew in this parody.  Hanks is fun as his freewheeling new partner, with Morgan, Webb's onetime sidekick, now promoted to captain of the L.A.P.D.  Starts out quite funny, then goes flat...but the punchline is a howl.  Aykroyd co-scripted with Mankiewicz and Alan Zweibel.

Spoiler Alert:  There may be spoilers peppered though the movie portion of this post, consider yourself warned.

First, let's take a look at the title theme because it is so painfully and beautifully 80's.


"Just the facts, ma'am." -Joe Friday

Dragnet, originally an American radio series started in 1949, that portrayed the cases of a Los Angeles police detective, Sergeant Joe Friday, and his partners.  (Wikipedia never lies)  For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of a radio series, it's like a podcast that streams live by using radio waves to carry information like sound.
This classic buddy cop comedy is filled with intrigue, car chases, girls in bikinis, a virgin in a white dress, an evil group raining havoc on the city of Los Angeles, but at the heart it, it's about friendship...and the defense of pornography?

"Friday, these animals were trapped and stunned and roped and crated and shipped.  Dropped into cages.  You think they were out in the wild, forming lines, jockeying for position saying, 'Take me.  Take me.  I wanna live on the damn cement'?"  - Pep

At the beginning of the movie, we get the strong impression that Pep Streebek, Joe Friday's new partner, might be a vegan/vegetarian concerned with animal rights issues.  First, he argues with Joe that dragging an animal out of its natural habitat and trapping it in a cage to live in a zoo for the rest of its existence is animal cruelty, both valid and true.  Then, he lectures Joe on his unhealthy chili dog habit whilst eating a mixture of fruit and lettuce with chopsticks.  However, halfway through the movie he kills a 30 foot anaconda with a handful of hallucinogenic drugs and asks Granny Monday if she's ever eaten a chili dog off the back of a motorcycle.  Is this a commentary on the fickle nature of hipster youths or just inconsistency?

Enid Borden (Kathleen Freeman) has the best lines in this movie:
"That goddamned pus-faced little pimp stick!"
"Useless scum lapping shit bag!"
"...so there's nothing you can do about it, you slimy little jizz bucket!"
"That miserable little bag of puke!"

Peter Leeds, Kathleen Freeman (above), and Harry Morgan (M*A*S*H) were all cast members of various earlier "Dragnet" shows. (IMDB)

"Look out!  Moppets!"  -Joe Friday
What happened to movies with car chases that destroy fruit carts or hit piles of stuffed animals?  I googled moppet and it means a small endearingly sweet child.  I'm so glad they didn't hit any of them.

"Surf's up, beach boy, but not for you.  You'll be hanging ten downtown." -Joe Friday

"Well, Emil...I guess it's just you and me...and...your balls and this drawer." -Pep

"Kill the good!  Kill the good!  Kill the good!  Kill the good!" - P.A.G.A.N. (People Against Goodness and Normalcy, aka the bad guys)

Connie Swail's house (shown above) was used as Ray Peterson's home in The'Burbs (1989).  It was later used as Susan Mayer's house in the television series Desperate Housewives (2004).  (IMDB)

"Now, if you'll both excuse me.  I'm afraid the second-highest duty calls." -Reverend Whirley 
This is a poop joke...right?

It is stated that one of the Bait Mate April's favorite movies is The Sound of Music (1965), which featured Christopher Plummer (Reverend Whirley). (IMDB)

"Granny, have you ever eaten a chili dog off the back of a motorcycle?" -Pep

"Reverend, you have balls as big as church bells." -Jerry Caesar

The photograph of Captain Gannon's wife behind his desk is the same photograph as Colonel Potter's wife in M*A*S*H (1972).  Both parts were played by Harry Morgan. (IMDB)

"You know, in spite of every logical instinct I've ever had in my life, I consider you a friend, a real friend." -Pep

This movie was the second time Tom Hanks and Dabney Coleman worked together.  The first time was The Man With One Red Shoe (1985).  (IMDB) 

"Muzz, you weren't even born with the sense God gave the common dog.  Don't you know that's my partner?" -Joe Friday

"Just close your eyes and think of Christmas." -Joe Friday

The Recipe
Just the Facts, Tofu Ham

To veganize this recipe, I had to mashup an Isa Chandra Moskowitz recipe with the Claud Mann recipe.  If you would like to make the inspirational Sweet and Smoky Glazed Tofu Ham, you can find it here or pick up The Superfun Times Vegan Holiday Cookbook at your local bookstore.  Actually, you should pick up three copies, one for travelling with, one to keep in your kitchen, and one for paging through while you're in the bathroom.  It's a good read and has lots of pictures, but I shouldn't have to explain myself.

Ingredients:

• 1 12 oz. block of tofu

For the marinade:

• 1/4 cup olive oil
• 1/4 cup tamari or soy sauce
• 1/4 cup pure maple syrup 
• 6 oz. stout beer (for help finding vegan stout try here or here)
• 2 tbsp liquid smoke
• 1/4 packed brown sugar
• 2 tsp garlic powder
• 2 tsp onion powder
• 1 tsp smoked paprika

For the tofu ham:

• 1/2 cup of each: chopped onion, carrots, and celery
• 6 oz. stout beer
• 1 tsp sage
• 1 orange, thinly sliced 
• Whole cloves (a bunch of them)

For the glaze:

• 3 tbsp orange or apricot marmalade
• 1/2 cup marsala or sherry
• 1 tbsp dry mustard
• 6 tbsp pure maple syrup
• The will to serve (hot) and to protect (your reputation in the kitchen)

 1.  In a shallow dish or gallon size zipper bag, whisk together all the marinade ingredients.  Place the block of tofu in the marinade, turn to coat, and marinade in the refrigerator for at least 4 hour, and up to overnight.

2.  Preheat the oven to 375ºF.

3.  Toss the vegetable and sage around in the beer.  (This kind of makes no sense, but I wanted an even coating of sage on the veggies.)

 4.  In the square pan I set aside for brownies and mac-n-cheese (9x9?), arrange the orange slices in an even layer.  Place the marinated tofu in the center.

5.  Lightly score the top of the tofu with a sharp knife in a latticework design, about 1/4 inch deep.  Press the whole cloves into the intersections of the cuts.

6.  Add the vegetables around the sides of the tofu and drizzle some of the leftover marinade over everything.

7.  Bake for an hour.

8.  Mix together the Marsala, marmalade, dry mustard, and maple syrup.

9.  After the tofu has baked for 1 hour, brush the Marsala mixture over the surface of the tofu.  Bake an additional 30 minutes, basting the tofu  with the Marsala mixture every 5 minutes.

10.  Allow the tofu to cool for about 5 minutes before slicing to serve.

10.  You've finished your work, what do you see...just a tofu ham?... Well, that's not all I see.  Mister--I see the good people of this city lined up with arms akimbo waiting to try an honest piece of bean curd grown by thousands of proud soy farmers working hard to produce a leaner, more healthful soy product.













Tara's review: "It was delish.  Good texture, opposite of bland...I think if I were to change anything, it would be less citrus."

Happy VeganMoFo!