Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Miley, Like... Come On, Seriously

After the events of the past year, Blog 'Scuse Me has decided that pop stars need a little familial advice - after all, pop stars are the cotton-candy-scented, coke-snorting siblings we wish we had. With recent news of miscreant musicians Radiohead snubbing the cherubic Disney-owned pop idol Miley Cyrus, we decided it was time to step in and help out these poor, innocent, drug-addled starlets.

Here are some ideas that our sweet little Miley can use to ruin Thom Yorke and his ragamuffin group of scoundrels:

  • Rig Radiohead's Tivos to record nothing but Hannah Montana.
  • Creep into Jonny Greenwood's house while he sleeps and style his hair into an exact replica of Billy Ray's circa-1993 permed mullet.
  • Buy all the tickets for their next show. Fill it with your Disney Channel drones. Coach them to chant "Miley!" until Radiohead agrees to meet with you. (Costly, but effective. We've used this method a couple of times, and it's always worked.)
  • Purchase rights to the music video for Paranoid Android. Tweak animation so the guy in the hat is playing table tennis with Taylor Swift instead of an angel. Debut remastered video at next Amsterjam festival. Drink lots of Heineken while you're there and tell people Thom Yorke bought it for you.
Note from Monica (Senior Jem Analyst): I recognize that Hannah Montana is an homage to Jem and the Holograms, i.e. a weak carbon copy minus the science. Here are some schemes I learned from watching the show:

  • Try to discover Thom Yorke's true identity.
  • Use an orphan to lure Jonny Greenwood away right before a show and while Radiohead is busy looking for Jonny frame them for stealing the money from the concert.
  • Convince Billy Ray to buy the movie studio making the film Radiohead is starring in (first get them to star in a film, preferably directed by McG, who with a firm but loving hand guided Crispin Glover to stardom in a role with no dialogue that required a dignity-free death scene). Then seize control of the film and add yourself to the cast.
  • Anonymously report that Radiohead is mistreating their orphans.
  • Compete in a battle of the music stars.

Miley, you are the real victim here. If you don't speak up, what other pop star is a Grammy award-winning band going to snub next time? Because we don't think Lady GaGa could take it.

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