Friday, March 18, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: Finally the Finale Recap

The official blog 'scuse me Bachelor recap.

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

Well, it's been eleven weeks and it's time to find out whether Ben can make up his mind.  Will he choose Lauren B. or JoJo?  Do we care?  Will this relationship at least last longer than a season of Dancing with the Stars?  Has time accelerated an hour?  Why have I been late to everything this week?

This probably does not need stating, but there be spoilers abound.

The entire night Chris Harrison keeps promising us that Ben and the lady that he chose will get married on stage live that night.  He's even flew in Ben's pastor.  So why on earth does he wait until the last ten minutes of the show to spring it on him?  I'm calling bullshit on you, Chris.  Not only that, but he flew out both of the girls' families and Neil Lane (with wedding bands) to perpetuate this lie.  The pastor is so ashamed to be party to such an elaborate hoax he can't even look up from his bible once.
Wow, JoJo's brothers passed on attending the festivities?  Shocking!  I bet they were circling the studio in camo overalls, clutching sniper rifles and furiously reciting The Lord's Prayer.  On that note, Lauren's brothers look like Mormon missionaries.

Now let's get to the actual episode, not that much happens.  Ben says he's in love with two women five thousand times so if that was part of your bachelor drinking game you would have blacked out before the proposal.
That's pretty much all I remember.  

Let's get back to the most dramatic episode of the Bachelor ever!  

Ben jump-starts the party by telling his emotionally tested-looking parents he's in love with two women.  His mom, Gloomy Gus, finds this "very disturbing".   Through this whole meet-and-greet, I was waiting for her to announce that feline AIDS is the number one killer of domestic cats.

Lauren meets the parents and brings a big bouquet of flowers and bottle of wine.

She gushes to Ben's dad that Ben is, "like, seriously, one of the most incredible people [she has] ever met" and the vocal fry is shattering.

Ben's mom reminds Lauren that Ben is "his own worst critic" (Translation:  "My son is a whiny little shit who will spend 80% of your marriage galloping around on a drama llama and you need to steel yourself for that.")

Ben tells the camera that he's realized "just how incredibly deep some of these feelings are", referring to his love for both Apple Cheeks and Marilyn Munster.

JoJo meets the parents and brings a little bouquet of flowers and jams it into a tacky shell.  I think this might be a life lesson for gifts you bring when you meet someone's parents, even if you're in Jamaica.  (Life Lessons this season: (1) Don't get dumped in a barn. (2) Always bring wine.)

JoJo gives an impassioned speech to the fam about loving Ben and sounds like Bart Simpson.  She cries during her one-on-one with Ben's dad, charming him to the point where he's no longer disappointed about her refusal to acknowledge he looks like Lee Marvin's younger brother who works at Vineyard Vines.

Is it weird that seeing the ring helps him make the decision?  I feel like there is a Lord of the Rings joke in there somewhere... Where is Stephen Colbert?

Ben spends most of the episode searching for "clarity" regarding who's the better choice and feeling "confused and conflicted".  He could have saved himself a lot of grief if he'd asked himself at Minute One, "Hmm, which of these women has siblings that DON'T want to sledgehammer my testicles? I should probably go with her".

When Ben vents to the camera before his last date with JoJo, once again saying he wants CLARITY, he has 1) a cowlick and 2) a facial expression that leads me to believe he thought he was auditioning for Ted in Bill and Ted's Jamaica Jam.  Ben is the worst Bachelor of all time.  When JoJo asks, "So, you feel good?" and Ben says "Um...that's a loaded question" in his skim milk voice, JoJo's exasperated look speaks for all of us.  I don't doubt that the writing tattooed on Ben's side is instructions for using a portable toilet without drowning.

I can't help but lose respect for JoJo (not that I had much to begin with) because she claims a proposal from Ben will complete her "fairy tale love story" despite the fact that Ben has spent all of this episode gaping at her like a flatlining squirrel.  She hops off the Endgame Helicopter and gets her hopes dashed when Ben tells her he liked hooking up with her at the Hoover Dam or whatever, but Lauren is where it's at right now so best of luck in all her endeavors.   Music that sounds like seventh-rate Phillip Glass plays as JoJo rides into the sunset and Ben weeps like a college kid who totally blew his history final.  The "epic conclusion" to Ben's hideous story is him proposing marriage to Lauren even thought he is in love (IN LOVE) with someone else.  Til death do you part!!

Sorry for the rant, but I'm menstrual right now:
I watched the first season of the Bachelor and then I didn't watch it again until Juan Pablo, undeniably the best bachelor.  So here's my two cents with my limited bachelor knowledge.  After whittling down a group of 28 women over 10-ish weeks, making sure you get rid of the xenophobes, the alcoholics, the ones not ready for adult relationships, the gluten free physical trainers, and the mini-horses, what's left?  Maybe a few women whose superficial surface characteristics you find attractive.  It's been two months, you don't really know anyone that well and every woman with a shot is on first date behavior on every date because this is a game show where you win a husband.  So it's not entirely surprising when they choose the zero drama, super attractive, perfect on paper one over, at the very least, what seems to be a stronger relationship based on reality, but I might just be a victim of fancy editing.  Ben, I'm sure you are totally in love with your soon to be wife who complained about your mouth breathing and your loud late night praying on Jimmy Kimmel.  No regrets. 

And now for what you have all been waiting for... The final scores of our fantasy league.  Tara's team, Comin' Around A-Ben, came in second with 4090 points.  As I clobber her successfully picking the final two, my team, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Ben, with 4750 points.  Boosh!

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