Sunday, March 13, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: The Women Tell All Recap

The official blog 'scuse me Bachelor recap.

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

The Women Tell All is finally here!  The episode where Chris Harrison gets to channel his inner Barbara Walters and reopen the recently healed wounds of jealously, heartbreak, and embarrassment to the delight of a bloodthirsty audience.  

First, I'd like to talk about who showed up.  Of course, Caila came in her final bid to be the next Bachelorette.  The Chris Soules season alumni, Amber and Becca, showed up.  Shushanna spent her time since getting rejected by the bachelor learning English and wouldn't shut up.  We get it, you talk good now.  The twins came back.  I'm a little shocked that Chris Harrison didn't re-break Emily's thumb so he could tell them apart again.  Nice to see Rachel hasn't found employment yet.  That twin bed in her childhood room must be really comfortable.  (Side note:  It's kind of sad that out of all the fake jobs they make up for these people they couldn't think of one for her.  Are you trying to tell me that twin or chicken enthusiast are actual job descriptions?  Why not make Rachel a Watching the Price is Right in her pajamas enthusiast?  I could get behind that.)  Jami comes back to remind everyone that she's Canadian.  Jennifer, she could murder someone in front of me and I still wouldn't recognize her in a lineup, showed up.  What is it about her that gives me face blindness?  It's like I'm looking at a different person every time I see her.  Olivia, Leah, and Jubilee are pretty much there for everyone to yell at.  Strangely, Leah is the only one the audience turns on.  You don't mess with Lauren B.  Tiara and Izzy, eliminated on the first night, decide 'I want to be mean to Olivia and bring my chicken onto the show' let's do this! And Amanda and Lace are there too.

Now for my crackpot conspiracy theory!  Four very specific women didn't show up.  Samantha, Mandi, LB, and Jackie were all eliminated on week 2.  LB left on her own accord during the rose ceremony.  Is it possible that something went down that week that left a sour taste in their mouths?  Or were they just watching the Iowa Black & Brown Forum that night instead and didn't realize they got eliminated?  This is also the week where Ben is giving out gifts to some ladies during the cocktail party.  He makes barrettes with Amanda for her kids and gives Lauren B. a candid screenshot from one of their dates.  Maybe this is a way of coping with his guilt for some inappropriate behavior?  

The episode hit the ground running as Chris Harrison reminded us that mortal enemies Olivia and Emily were about to reunite and the camera cut to a woman grimacing in the audience.  I wish they had put her on the stage with a glass of cabernet and televised all her reactions to the moronic vitriol.

So glad Tiara's back on television:

Leah "Wish I Was Olivia" Event Planner tried to defend herself against three gals and a chicken calling her a filthy liar and failed so miserably an audience member's bob haircut almost flew off.

The ladies made a concerted effort to attack Jubilee for previously noting she was the only girl in the mansion with two black parents. She ended up in the Hot Seat for an uplifting therapy session with patron saint Chris Harrison.

Lace's self-loathing was revisited as she snickered in the Hot Seat.  I was hoping they'd replay the splendid "Ro-ZANN Ro-zanna-danna!" moment and was terribly disappointed.  Lace told Chris that watching her behavior on the show taught her not to interrupt people right before a dangerous Grade Z Joaquin Phoenix interrupted the discussion to show Lace the tattoo of her likeness he got on his torso. The blonde lady in the audience who recoiled in disgust gets 600 thousand gold stars.

Olivia got up for the Hot Seat as Emily and Haley looked at her like:

Olivia told Chris she's had a rough few months because people have posted brutal comments about her appearance on social media, but she did get a laugh from what she referred to as "the mouth stuff".   I assume she's talking about gems like these.

Did anyone else notice that Caila effortlessly wrote a Grammy bait ballad as she was carried away by the Reject Limo?  Verbatim quote:

I Didn't See This Coming - Caila
I was ready,
I was ready to get married,
I was ready,
I was ready to be his wife,
I was ready,
I was ready for our future,
That's all I thought about,
All I want in life is love,
I feel like I wanted it for so long,
I feel like I had that,
And it's gone
Was I hearing things or did Chris refer to Ben as "the most popular Bachelor in history" when he introduced him?   There is no way this human rice cake became more popular than Juan Pablo or Chris "GiggleMaster" Soules.

Chris challenged Ben to tell Emily and Haley apart and he succeeded (not a challenge - all he had to do was recognize who was looking at him with stronger hatred to know who Emily was). 

Those bloopers, man.   I could watch them all day, especially the ones with everyone getting attacked by insects.

Take your vitamins and stay hydrated, everyone - the season finale and Bachelor in Lace-a-dise will be here before you know it!

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