Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 9 Recap

The official blog 'scuse me Bachelor recap.

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

Ben goes to Jamaica to wander the lush tropical terrain in Old Navy flip flops and destroy Caila's heart. 

There are a lot of shots in this episode of people looking out into the horizon pensively in classic Bachelor fashion.  

And what was with the Manwich commercial taking a direct assault on meatless Mondays.

#TheBachelor and Manwich are actually a perfect marketing pair because they both can make you feel really nauseated.

— Kami Mattioli (@kmattio) March 1, 2016

First Date:  Ben and Caila

Caila flies in on a rainbow as usual (as Ben so eloquently put it:  "Her smile and her beauty....her kinda bubbliness?  I knew that Caila was special".  (I know what Ben means, as it's a rare and precious thing for a girl to be physically attractive and act happy about shit.)

Caila may be smiling on the outside, but she harbors secret torment because she's in love with Ben and acknowledges JoJo and Lauren B. could feel the same.  She's "melancholy" on her atmospheric raft ride with Ben, even though he fires off pithy zingers such as, "It's like, I'm a twenty-six-year-old man who's, like, a little kid right now".

Caila is describing her hotel room with a view of some swings in the water and Ben's response is "You gotta get out there."  Yeah, Caila, you by yourself should go check that out.  And from that point on, I'm pretty sure Ben's already made up his mind about Caila, but he's not gonna let that ruin his night in the fantasy suite.  Classic scumbag and I hope Caila calls him out on that but she would lose her opportunity to be the next Bachelorette.

Caila, take a hint, he brought you to Jerk Centre for lunch!

Evening falls and Caila delivers her Love Confession to Ben.  Take a drink every time Caila uses "and" as a filler word during her big speech.  I apologize in advance for making you die.

Fantasy Suite Visit #1!  Caila wakes up looking radiant (shocking).  Caila can see herself waking up next to Ben for the rest of her life.  She, for the second time, tells Ben she loves him; he, for the second time, responds with empty-headed silence. That doesn't phase Caila - she can "feel in his breath" that he loves her back.  Did he revive her with mouth-to-mouth in a wacky deleted scene?

"DAMN YOU, CAILA!! FIGHT, FIGHT, FIIIIIGHT!"

Second Date:  Ben and Lauren B.

Lauren B. likes the water and the sunshine and is a typical brilliant conversationalist.  They get to dip baby sea turtles in the ocean to get the sand off their itty bitty bodies and the cuteness is physically painful.  Ben raves to the camera about his date filled with cuteness, implying that Lauren B. is as cute as the turtles, further proving he's a big old fuckin' dunderhead.

They check out an evening reggae show and linger behind a crowd of Jamaica residents / Bachelor interns and pretend to be really into the music.  Ben's bangs look like a dark tribble and he appears to be fighting sleep as he invites Lauren B. to the Fantasy Suite.  After she accepts, she finally says, "I am....completely in love with you".  Ben says he's in love with her too and the two of them yuk it up and make out on a couch.

Ben shows up with a breakfast tray the next morning and Lauren B. is very excited about the coffee (I suddenly feel a kinship).  

Third Date:  Ben and JoJo

JoJo tells the camera, "I wish there was more words to explain the way I feel when I'm with him".  Does she mean "more words currently listed in the Oxford Dictionary" or "more words I'm aware of"? 

She takes a thrilling jump into a river with Ben and is cool with it because she feels "so safe" with him.  I can't imagine Ben being able to protect someone from a dust mite, so I'm a little concerned.

Ben confesses his love for JoJo, sealing Caila's fate.  JoJo brings up a good point after Ben tells her he loves her.  Is he allowed to say that?  

Chris Harrison's face says no and I'm sure the fallout in two weeks when he doesn't marry both JoJo and Lauren will teach Ben a serious lesson in toying women's emotions.

They retire to the Fantasy Suite and definitely have sex.  Somewhere, in unforgiving darkness, JoJo's brothers scream at the ceiling and bite rage holes through their blankets.

Aftermath:  Operation Crush Caila

Caila creeps up on Ben simply exploding with loving bubbliness as he sits in a lawn chair and pretends to be deep in thought - the phoniness is so clunky and embarrassing, it makes me want to throw Emmys at this season.

Ben tells Caila she needs to shove off and that it's "really hard to imagine saying goodbye to [her]".  Caila replies, "That sounds like a line" and gets two thousand gold stars.

Caila sobs in the limo as Ben fondles his mouth in sadness AGAIN.  Ben tells the camera he hopes he didn't make a mistake (hidden meaning:  "I hope I'm not going to regret dumping Caila for a woman whose family literally wants to bury an axe in my face and dump my charred remains behind a 7-11").

Ben u r a scumbag an I lov it #TheBachelor

— Fake Juan Pablo (@juanpablofake) March 1, 2016

Fantasy League Update:  Both Lauren B. and JoJo are on my team and I currently have a 220 point lead.  Eat it, Tara!

Next Week - Dumpees Tell All!