Sunday, August 14, 2016

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 2

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: How Chris Harrison gets paid vacations from ABC.

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

I really hope I don't eat all these sour patch kids while I write this up.  Let's dive in.

Week 2:  The First Rose Ceremony and a Hot Mucus Filled Kiss

Because they are beating this whole Chad thing like a dead horse, we get to relive the end of last week as Chad storms off.  Chris Harrison clearly pissed off that the whole Chad situation is eating into his quality sipping mimosas in a robe time.  He's never going to get that time back, CHAD!

For some reason, they thought it was prudent to give Chad a bottle of whiskey to drink as they drove him far away from paradise.  (Does Chad have a contract rider?  Why does he get whiskey and cold cuts for his ride of shame?)

I'm a little disappointed BIP isn't airing on circa-2006 VH1, because that network would have given The Chad at least two viscerally terrifying seasons of Chad of Love in response to this mess.  Quote of the year from Chad:  "I'm never gonna be the Bachelor; like, what am I gonna DO now?"  Drunkenly revealing an ulterior motive that dates back to Magic JoJo Hour is as fascinating as it is pitiful.   

Chris Harrison's bemused stare as Chad threatens to walk home from paradise made me think of a dad emerging from his house at 5am to deal with a son who just got dumped on the grass by his Uber driver after a long night in the Meatpacking District. 

New bachelor reject, Leah shows up looking for Chad.  Everyone has to awkwardly explain that even though Chad is very humorous to watch on the TV, in real life he's scary and is probably killing all of the loved ones while they couple up in paradise.  

I was pretty crushed that Leah finally found a super cute guy with a shared love of protein, and Chris Harrison ripped him away. 

She asks Nick on her first one on one date right before he's about to feel up one of the twins' scoliosis hump.  Tough break, Nick.

Currently I am Team Twinsies all the way.  Those wiggly-spined mean girls target the people I don't like and I simply can't complain.  (I was hoping they'd have a split screen "before and after" of Leah because I don't remember what she looked like before she got the Kylie Jenner special from her plastic surgeon.)   Nick was so blindsided by the Twins' chutzpah that a lens popped out of his Maybachs.

For Nick and Leah's date, they arrive at Mexico's renowned Festival de Margaritas.

As is everything on this show, this is not a real festival, but when in paradise drink all the tequila.

Leah gushes to the camera about Nick's washboard abs and "lumberjack" vibe.  I assume her definition of the latter is "patchy beard and emotional constipation".  

When Nick and Leah get back from their date, Nick gets a date card, and Nick naturally asks Leaaa...Amanda on his date.  Leah's only retaliation is to Single White Female Amanda while she's getting ready.

The shot of Leah's reflection in Amanda's mirror as she looms over Amanda is worse than anything in Halloween.  Nick is "all about getting to know other people" and Leah needs to accept that.  Twin on the Left comes to Amanda's defense during an interview and says that Amanda is "50 million times prettier" than Leah.  Tell us how you really feel, Twincinnati!  Leah cries because she hasn't been in a decent relationship in years (that might have something to do with her behavior suggesting she sneaks into her crushes' homes and chews on severed locks of their hair while they sleep).

Why is Vinny getting so much screen time?  Why are Sarah and Izzy BATTLING for this man?  Picture a guy who got turned down for Jersey Shore.  Now picture the reject version of that reject.  Vinny. 

Carly and Evan kiss and they are totally on the same page about it.

The connection between these two is like metal in the microwave, sparks everywhere.  This is going to be so awkward, I loooove it!

Evan's hand making delicate tracings around his left nipple...

Despite the kiss from hell, there's something about Evan that Carly is "super attracted to".   Correct - his rose.  Evan is the Elijah Wood of paradise, and I don't mean the measured, stalwart Radio Flyer Elijah.  I mean the Wilfred Elijah.

Leah doesn't think Amanda should get Nick's rose; Amanda is a mom, so she's going to be "dependent" and "needy".  Leah is the quintessential milleniasshole.  I'm willing to hand twelve gold stars to Nick for backing into her with the "no offense but I hate your Kate Hudson-looking ass" truck. 

Daniel becomes the "wild card" and wants to "bang" one of the Twins despite the fact that he indirectly called them morons - straight white cis male ahoy! 

Rose Ceremony

The guys are giving out the roses this week:
Grant    -    Lace
Nick     -    Amanda
Evan     -    Carly
Jared     -    Emily & Haley
Vinny    -    Izzy
Daniel    -   Sarah

Leah and Jubilee are sent home.

Jubilee's exit was fucking depressing.  Candid pic of me watching Leah's exit:

Leah's devastation  >>>>> live brontosaurus herd

Next morning, enter Josh, winner? of Andi's season of the Bachelorette (the runner-up being abs and coffee norm-core Nick).  Josh and Andi were engaged for the minimum acceptable amount of time before they broke it off.  FYI, Josh is here for the right reasons and none of those reasons are not seeming like a TOTAL douche of TV.  

Why is this guy capturing the libidos of all the women?  He has mannequin eyes and Justin Bieber-ish swagger and I want to punch him in the veneers. 

Josh asks Amanda on his date and they start making out and never stop.  

Side note:  I love that this season is chronicling the lives of the paradise crabs.  They walk sideways, they make love, they support Chad's head while he's unconscious, they rock. 

Evan tells Daniel he wants to "ride horses in front of the sunset" with Carly and I want a Clydesdale to kick him into the merciless sea. 

Because Carly isn't really feeling the whole Evan thing, but he's totally into her, guess who gets a date card?  EVAN!  Evan asks Carly to join him on his date and since their last kiss wasn't hot enough for her, the producers have a surprise up their sleeves... The Guinness Book World of Records with Chris Harrison are ready for Carly and Evan to break the record for the longest hottest habanero kiss.  That would involve consuming a habanero pepper and kissing for a minimum of 90 seconds.  

The saliva strand that never ends.  That's promise for a lasting relationship.   

Is this the first time in Bachelor/ette/in Paradise history that someone has literally vomited from a disgusting  kiss?  I have a feeling Wells is coming to replace Evan.  

Emily's and Jared's relaxation time further pushes the fact that women have to do everything, for everyone, FOR ETERNITY.  Jared is a warm puddle of Sunny D with less game than an arcade gutted by a fireI hate him.

FYI, Jared, questions like what's your favorite color and number do not qualify as conversation topics for anyone over the age of eleven.

On to the second adventure this week:

We open with Daniel attempting to count his abs and predictably failing.  Nick is continuing to express his searing animosity for Josh because Amanda pushed The Lumberjack aside to hook up with Josh until one of them dies. 

Suddenly Christian bounds onto the sand to shake things up; Sarah and Amanda catch his eye.  EVERYBODY wants the goddamned 'Manda, dude. Ultimately, he asks Sarah on a date, sparking the ire of Daniel, who hangs close like a key supporting player in Strange Brew 2:  Tropical Stalkers.
Daniel suggests to the camera that Evan get a makeover to become attractive in Carly's eyes.  Cut to Carly explaining to Izzy and Amanda that Evan's hands were "all...over...[her] body" during their habanero kiss, with this expression:

She's surprisingly straightforward when she breaks it off with Evan, saying she's not romantically attracted to him and feels no chemistry, so she wants to be nothing more than his friend.  Footage of Evan walking away from Carly:

He sobs on his bed, and the world sobs with him.  Psych; this is hilarious.
Thankfully Jared helps to put this all in perspective:
I guess that's it for Evarly, the erectile dysfunction karaoke power couple.

Christian and Sarah repel down a rock wall and make out and it's all so dull that it borders offensive. 

Things kick back into gear when Soulja Boy video star / sunken-eyed ventriloquist's dummy Brandon appears to find love after coming up short on Desiree's season (which I regrettably didn't watch).  Chris looks like he's suppressing derisive laughter as he hands Brandon a date card.   Brandon chooses Haley to "go talk" with him, then pulls Carly aside to "go talk" aaaaand finally asks Haley on a date.  OUCH.  I appreciate the maneuver to make his date more worthwhile, but if you're going to use it, tell the loser you had a great time talking but felt more of a spark with the winner.  He chose Haley for the date in front of the whole gang without paying Carly the meager courtesy of eye contract. I think Carly is an asshat (like pretty much everyone else except Lace) and still found this rude. 

Emily gets plowed at Jorge's Bar and lives it up with Izzy, Amanda, Lace, and (naturally) indispensable bartender Jorge.  I would kill to knock back some Miller High Lifes with this crew on a lazy Saturday. 

Christian and Sarah return from their date and knock the others to their knees with palpable waves of dullness.  Daniel fumes in the background. In a truly shocking turn of events, Sarah says that during this date, with all the ziplining and repelling and kissing, she was thinking about how much more fun she would have had if Christian was Daniel.

Haley has a "trick up her sleeves" with her date with Brandon.  
YASSS, Haley, thank you.  This is why I wish I had a twin, so that I could swap out in uncomfortable situations.  I have two theories about how this "switcheroo" will pan out next week.  Either they are playing a trick on the crew and didn't switch at all (because no one can tell them apart and that would be hysterical) or he'll actually fall for Emily and get sent home.   

Evan is in such a tailspin over Carly dumping him that he plots to win over Amanda, who has been making out with Josh for literally 24 consecutive hours.  I would bet every penny I own that the producers urged Evan to do this so international audiences could point and laugh in solidarity.  I'm also sure they stockpiled Evan's blood type because they assumed Chad was going to seriously injure him.  Since Chad's gone, they can't let that go to waste.  Good luck, Evan.

Evan's been a willowy nice guy long enough.  Time to take charge and make Josh want to crush his skull under a boulder!  Shit gets realer than real next week....

I beg you to stick around for this episode's credits treat.  A teaser:


No comments:

Post a Comment