Monday, August 8, 2016

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 1

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: Where Bachelor Rejects stop being polite and start getting real.

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

Episode 1: Here ToChad, Gone Tomorrow

Ex-bachelor contestants arrive one-by-one on a beach in Mexico slowly working on their base buzz with tropical cocktails:  Amanda (Minnie Mouse voice with the kids), Nick (Runner up on 2 seasons and posts photos on Instagram of him shirtless and drinking coffee, not complaining), Jubilee (my favorite X-Men character and should of been the Bachelorette), Evan (the penis guy according to Jubs), Vinny (cuts hair and reads InTouch magazine), Carly (cruise ship karaoke artist), Grant (firefighter), Daniel (Canadian), Sarah (don't know her, she's before my time), the Twins (twins), Izzy (worn a onesie once), Lace (not crazy, not that there is anything wrong with that), Jared (I'm sure Tara has something - I do; Jared is a bowl of unflavored instant oats that shops at Urban Outfitters), and the titular hurricane on wheels, Chad.  

Nick claims he's a super genuine guy who wants people to see him for who he really is, which is a fifth-rate Jason Segel.  

Daniel explains that herpes isn't a big deal because it's treatable nowadays (valid point) and reminds us that:

pteradactyl > eagle >>>>>> pigeon

Evan shows us what a tough guy he's become by standing on a rock and throwing the most pitiful little jabs since Gizmo started training to beat up Mohawk. 

Chris Harrison and presumed brother/lifemate Jorge await the losers rolling into paradise for a second chance at love.  Amanda shows up in a floor-sweeping blue sundress and chats with Chris while this happens:

Everyone is talking about Chad, as would I.  Everyone who didn't have to yawn their way through JoJo's season wants to meet Chad. 

Chad's entrance was predictably dramatic, but I wasn't prepared for the heart-stopping production values:


There is also way too much talk about people's attractiveness rating out of 10.  Daniel is very picky for an idiot, comparing some of the girls to bruised fruit (also poodles and yorkies - was he throwing it back to 1992 and calling Amanda and Jubilee dogs, or is he ranking by breed?  The moment he calls someone he thinks is hot a "golden retriever" is the moment I silently beg Evan to slip a megadose of Viagra in Daniel's Molson).  Where Chad says all the girls are tens, which is very classy and he is the perfect gentlemen...until he gets the liquor in him and he turns into Mr. Lahey on a bender, if Mr. Lahey was a violent misogynist that told everyone to suck his nothing like Mr. Lahey.  I tried too hard to make that work.

Daniel and Emily walk off to have a private conversation, which her own sister says, "It's probably the stupidest conversation ever."  (Side note: Does this mean Haley's the smart twin?)  They see a fish and Daniel goes in for the high five...

Sorry, Randy Bachman "No Sugar Tonight"  Get it?  Because he's Canadian.  

Daniel also has a conversation with Izzy that takes about 5 seconds to get awkward. Izzy's wince when Daniel rambles about Evan fixing ugly penises and adopting children speaks for us all.  Two girls down, six more to go, Daniel!

Jared makes a comment about hoping this paradise is a little bit easier, which I can only assume means no Ashley I. drama.  Sorry, Jared, I've seen the teasers for this season and there is definitely Ashley I. drama on the way.

Evan, seriously, what's with all the dick talk.  We get it!

Chris Harrison shows up and explains the rules of this game, which are essentially my worst nightmare.  Picture this, you fly to Mexico for sun and fun but if you don't couple up you go the fuck home.  That is not my definition of paradise.

Also, not my definition of Paradise.  What's with the stove, Chris Harrison?  

Grant calls Lace a mess, not relationship material and then actively pursues her.  Someone explain men to me, please.

Lace flirts with Grant for 5 minutes and then Chad happens.  Lace has amazing abs, by the way.  All I'm going to say about the Chad and Lace 2-hour romance is that Lace stands up for herself every time Chad says something misogynist.  Not only that, she says, "Money doesn't make you cool."  I totally agree with her.  I'm pretty sure I'll defend Lace to the grave.  Let's never say anything negative about Lace.  She's my kindred spirit.  We're gonna be best friends, better than me and Tara.  Sorry, Tara.  THE FUCK....

Daniel and Chad have an emotional reunion during which Daniel drops this heartstring-tugger:  "All I know is, it's you and me."  Chad is ever-so-slightly disappointed that Evan is in paradise, which he expresses by saying he'd like to cut Evan's head off and throw it in the ocean. 

The twins have matching navel piercings and it's precious, I guess.

Jubilee get the first date card and invites Jared to this weird pinata/clown date.  Because Mexico?  They bond over Lord of the Rings and it's totes cute.

Love the editor's weaving of Emily looking forlorn and petulant into Jubliee's receipt of the date card - women feuding over Schmashton Schmutcher?  Wow. 

The pinata night is burned in my brain forever, not because of Jared and Jubilee's romantic nerd connection, but because the producers chose this night to vomit out the single most horrifying creature in the history of not only television, but the existence of sentient life:

I'm guessing this thing's name is Pinwheel or Drip-Drop; something cute to distract you from the fact that it is pestilence in the flesh and has a voice that sounds like Satan's asshole chewing up a balloon. 

Lace aka Sarah Silverman and Evil Chad hook up and try to drown each other in the hot tub as music that didn't make the cut for the American Graffiti soundtrack plays.  

Then Chad poops his pants and gets kicked off paradise.

Is it possible that Chad and Daniel's relationship is an allegory for the relationship between the US and Canada?  I don't know where I'm going with this, but it's something to think about.

Chad is so drunk and grotesque that even Izzy, the human version of a Kraft American Single, gets pissed off.  One benefit of his meltdown is that he inspires the following quotes from "un-murdery" Daniel (broadcast in the span of 30 seconds):

"You've got a better chance of making out with a turtle than you do making out with a girl tonight."

"I'll take you down, man.  I'll take you down to Chinatown."
"I have no problem punching a friend in the face.  I've done it before, I'll do it again.  No problem."

The ninety-minute scene of Chad snoring on top of a crab was avant-garde.  I'm certain Evan paid everyone not to roll Chad on his stomach with the hope he'd aspirate on his vomit.

I didn't think anything could top the exponentially scumbaggy first night, but the morning after almost defies description.  Actual rage-fueled quote from Chris Harrison:  "You told everyone at this hotel to suck a dick". Chris wants to feed Chad to a jaguar, Sarah wants to rip Chad's face off with her teeth while sobbing, and Lace appears too drained of spirit to have an opinion.  Love Chad's profanity-laced attack on Chris as he reluctantly exits and his obsession with the image of Chris wearing a white robe and drinking a mimosa (I share this obsession).

Join us next week as Josh bounds onto the sand to act like a toothy fuckwit, Ashley I. sobs like a preschooler, Evan gets some aggressive bloodwork done, and Chad finally embarks on that tequila-drenched killing spree.  This season's gonna sizzle!!

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