Friday, August 19, 2016

A Very Un-Murdery Christmas: Bachelor in Paradise Season 3, Week 3

Welcome to blog 'scuse me?'s Bachelor In Paradise Season 3 Recap: How Chris Harrison gets paid vacations from ABC.

We will continue the tradition of me (Monica) writing in blue and Tara in orange even though if you read this on a feed reader you probably won't be able to tell, but who cares.

Week 3:  The exciting continuation to Evan's humiliation tour.

The best thing to come out of Evan awkwardly prying Josh and Amanda's lips apart to ask Amanda on a date is the 5 minutes of screen time they spend on Josh consuming a greasy pizza.  Apparently the pizza is Mexico is "pretty darn good", but you don't have to take my word for it.

 Evan toddling across the beach in his thong flip-flops toward Amanda's and Josh's liplock was a stellar opener.   Quote of 2016 from, of all people, Vinny:  "I just wanna shake Evan and say, 'Just stop being the awkward dick doctor'."  A.D.D. leads Amanda away for white wine and dinner and Amanda is so overwhelmed by how pathetic he is that she dissolves into tears.  

I believe they served Josh Ellio's as a joke and he still eats it like he's getting an otherworldly blowjob because he's ten sheets to the wind.  When he insincerely furrows his brow at Amanda in the aftermath of her "date" with Evan and says "Don't cry" (chewing with his mouth open, no less) he becomes the most punchable reality tv figure since....well, Evan.

There is something about Josh that just makes me want to slap him.  I hate you so much you disgusting beautiful garbage angel.  Slap!

Let's not forget how sweaty Josh is.
He looks greased up like a Tongan flag bearer... Slap

I know they are trying to build suspense as to whether Josh will give Evan another nose bleed, but Josh has no depth so he keeps spitting out cliches and saying nothing.  Even Evan feels like he's talking to a mannequin.  (Great movie by the way.)  Actually Evan says some shit about him hiding behind inspirational quotes and someday he'll explode.  Spoiler Alert!

Rose Ceremony #2 

Ladies pick this week:
Lace - Grant
Izzy - Vinny
Emily - Jared
Amanda - Josh
Sarah - Daniel
Carly - Evan
Haley - Nick

Bye, Bye Brandon and Christian.  We hardly knew you.

The producers keep playing Josh's "pizza sex" grunt and I'm a touch perturbed.  He sits at the Rose Ceremony in the absolute nadir of hyperhydrosis as Chris Harrison and Carly look on in revulsion. 

Christian declares that he will do "anything [he] possibly can" to get Sarah's rose.  Mission FAILED because here comes Maple Syrup McGee aka Daniel!   He shows Sarah how "giddy" she makes him by shaking his feet and getting stung in the chin by a bee.  I can't help but recall that Sarah is one of the people Daniel thought was ugly their first day in paradise. This is truly a John Hughes film.

Evan reappears to Amanda and spills the beans about former Bachelorette Andi's tell-all book, which paints Josh as an "abuser".  He's a bona fide frozen pizza abuser, that's for damn sure.   Josh overhears that Evan is talking shit about him and responds by looking exactly like this:

He confronts Evan and insists he's just a guy "trying to make a positive impact".  (I think he means that he's preparing to make a "positive impact" on Evan's skull with his fists.)   

Evan's "I am hearing you out" face when Josh is pleading his case:

Amanda tells the camera, "If somebody wanted to come up and, like, warn me about somebody, I would usually listen".  I'd love to get the opportunity to meet Amanda so I could warn her that Tom Hanks subsists on a diet of human flesh; she'd probably listen. 

Evan laments that he always gets "stuck in this self-assigned protector role".  Honey?  Who are you protecting!?  Evan is quite literally Scrappy Doo and the nation is weary.

If Carly was not into Evan, she's made a huge mistake giving him a rose this week because Evan thinks he's got a second chance at winning her heart and I'm one thousand percent on board for this inexplicable coupling.

I think Carly is the most heinous person alive for giving Evan that "PLATONIC!!" rose.  Granted, she hasn't known Evan that long, but she's been exposed to enough of his delicate radiation to assume that no action she takes will be interpreted as platonic.  Stabbing him with a more-than-willing crab would be seen by Evan as a marriage proposal.  

Brandon going home .0000009 seconds after arriving: Bless you, ABC.   

Caila arrives!  Cue the birds.  Thankfully, she reminds us that she's sex panther.  

Caila asks Jared on her date because for some reason everyone loves Jared.  Jared, our dollar store Ashton Kutcher, who is the equivalent to eating pancakes at a waffle party.  I should leave the insults to Tara. (My assessment:  Insult totally accurate.)

This of course breaks Emily's heart and since the twins are the best part of this show right now, I'm pissed!  Emily, Jared is boring and you need a man who has a personality and that is not something you will find in paradise.

Lace declares that she "might have to slap a bitch" if Caila asks Grant on a date.  Be careful Lace; don't get arrested for child abuRIMSHOT.   Emily correctly identifies Caila as condescending when she isn't even sure what "condescending" means.  Sometimes all you need is instinct, Emily (also, Emily's bleeped-out reaction when Caila asks Jared on a date speaks for every single one of us).   Go the fuck home, Disney princess!   

Am I in the middle of a fever dream or did a cartoon bear in a Charmin commercial just call someone "Skids"?  Oh my GOD.   

After a momentary flash of pain, we're back to the show:  Jared pulls Emily aside and pretty much asks for her permission to go on the date with Caila.  Emily gives him her blessing because she's chill like that.  However, she continues to offer her scathing review of Caila's behavior (to my utter delight):  "Everything is like a pageant queen and it's almost fake".  Take out the word "almost" and you're right on the money, Emily! 

Jared's date with 2-month-old Caila is the "best date he's been on in paradise": making horses walk through ocean water.  Caila looks at Jared with "those big brown eyes" and Jared replies:

Oh yeah, and then Daniel drinks out of Vinny's belly button.  He's Canadian, it's okay.

I have to disagree with Monica here; my dry heaves almost made me lose consciousness.

Carly comparing herself and Sarah to Statler and Waldorf:  twelve thousand Roger Ebert stars.

Jared and Caila triumphantly return to the group and Emily is STRESSED because Jared has started dickishly ignoring her. Hayley wears cute little Star Wars buns in her hair and tells Emily that Jared "seems really comfortable around [Caila] and really nervous around [Emily]".  I think Jared is nervous around Emily because he's frantically trying to figure out how to hook up with Caila without Emily noticing. 

Jared shockingly acts like an adult, albeit a shitty adult, and drops the bomb on Emily that he wants to "explore things" with Caila.  In response, Emily unleashes this beyond-quotable quote to the camera, while in tears:

"I always meet these great guys and they never pick me.  They always pick someone way uglier than me so there must be something wrong with me."

Jared better watch is back, because cosmic revenge is a dish best served Ashley.   

  The two most boring couples go on the FIRST EVER DOUBLE DATE in paradise.  That's right Vinny, Izzy, Grant, and Lace go to the discotheque for a foam party.  Nothing interesting happens.  Lace almost gets into a fight and Grant shuts it down.  Meh. 

Vinny wears a button down shirt with a "lipstick mark" print and I want to bend at the waist while casually puking.   Izzy is, and I quote, "in it to Vin it".  STOP EXISTING ON THIS SHOW.  

Sarah and Carly not to be outdone invite Daniel and Evan to have their own double date which consists of them just playing drinking games.  Then Evan has some sort of "medical" issue where Carly has to sleep in his bed with him.  It's science.  You're not supposed to understand it.

Evan tries to do a push-up with Carly sitting on his back and shows the world he is fifteen times weaker than Mr. Burns.  

Evan throwing himself at an ambivalent Carly while loaded (and after wasting paramedics' time) is unequivocally terrifying.

Back to Amanda and Josh:

The producers do the old "train speeding into the tunnel" bit while Amanda seals the deal with Josh.  They also play back Amanda's moans of pleasure.  I will never turn on my TV again.  

The next morning Josh celebrates his sexual victory by dropping a cream cheese bagel on his crotch.  

There haven't been enough tears this season.  Where the fuck is Ashley I?
Aww, there she is!  Sorry, Jared, the fun and games are over.  Hey, here's an idea, why don't you grow up and be honest with the women in your life as opposed to stringing them along.  

Chris Harrison is pleased as punch to see Ashley and it's adorable.   Exchange of the decade:

Chris:  The's that going? 

Ashley I:  Well my goal for this season is to only cry three times.

Chris:  A day...

Ashley I:  No, three times, ever.  Total!   

Jared's reaction when Ashley appears to the gang:

The Twins tell Ashley they've never seen Jared so "excited and assertive to go after [Caila]" and Ashley begins her emotional armageddon as the camera lingers on her 9-inch eyelashes.    

Ashley cries for at least 40 minutes of the show.  She's goes on her date with Daniel and it goes surprisingly well.  

Carly, to the camera:  "Ashley, always crying...running around, crying." 

False.  Sometimes Ashley takes a quick break from crying and running around to engage in David Berkowitz-esque conversations with a parrot.  

Jorge, the bartender, gives Ashley the silver lining to a date with Daniel as opposed to no-tits-Jared.

Is it possible that Jared never went further with Ashley because he disagreed with her choice of favorite color?  Or maybe it was her favorite number?

A tropical storm hits the island as Ashley and Daniel wander off to dinner.  Ashley breaks the ice with, "So, other than being Canadian, what do you do?"  AWESOME.  Daniel confirms that he primarily drinks maple syrup.  Ultimately, Ashley gets kidnapped because she's a virgin and Daniel is left to nibble his poutine alone.

Jared is starting to get frustrated because Caila is "holding back" emotionally and the audience can't help but drown in "Ben's Season" nostalgia.  I wonder if Caila is at long last going to embrace her love for Jared, creep up behind him like a carefree little Hobbit, and get tossed to the curb.

Josh and Amanda were reminding me of something I couldn't put my finger on.  It finally hit me:  RichandAmy from the Zits comic strip I read in college:

Jen shows up in Paradise and I barely remember her.

Jen asks coffee-n-abs Nick on her date.  Yadda yadda yadda they're in love this week.

The paradise crabs return, and they want Nick's mortal soul!   

Evan goes to the hospital in his last ditch effort to get Carly to fall in love with him and astonishingly it might be working.  

 Evan's ankles are swollen so he has to go back to the hospital; he eagerly accepts Carly's quarter-assed offer to go along.  

I am certain the producers paid a Mexican hospital $300,000 to play along with this bullshit.  Oxygen mask, IV, ambulance wail, the whole megillah - for mildly swollen ankles.  Daniel got speared in the face by a fucking nocturnal jungle insect and not a single eye was batted. 

Ashley is dealing with Jared's romantic fuckery quite well:

She pulls Jared aside to frantically beg for his love and he reacts with typical maturity and compassion:

Will poor Ashley ever find another Jared?  What the hell did Vinny say about Izzy that's making them both act like they just watched the end of Hachi?  Is Jen an actual  person or do the interns keep propping a cardboard cutout from American Apparel next to Nick?  Find out next week on Schmachelor in Jorgedise! 

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