Stream a Little Stream: The Video Dead

Today I paid myself the courtesy of watching the 1987 direct-to-video horror film "The Video Dead", one of those underground splatterfests for which most of the cast and crew's functions should be in quotes. Don't let the badass VHS cover fool you:  Ineptitude and unintentional laughs run way thicker through this movie than its watery, transparent gore.

Roxanna Augesen, the only member of the cast who actually acts instead of recites lines with the dope-faced falseness of a high school drama club member, stars as Zoe Blair, a "teenager" (she is about to start her first semester of college - majoring in Aerobics and minoring in Music Videos, mind you - but appears to be a fresh-faced thirty-five-year-old) who moves into a house on Shady Lane with her pasty, joint-puffing brother Jeff (Rocky Duvall).  The siblings wait around for their parents to return from doing business in Saudi Arabia.  As Jeff half-assedly rakes leaves in the front yard one day, he is approached by a neighbor girl, April (Vicki Bastel) and the two of them begin a chaste, moronic "romance" before zombies emerge from the supernatural tv set in Jeff and Zoe's attic and commence to slaughtering in a series of embarrassingly incompetent sequences.

To get a decent picture of how much this movie hurt me, consider these nuggets:

• Chocolate, the poodle April had been walking, is killed in the woods by a zombie. April and Jeff find him (after, of course, we are treated to roughly 17 minutes of the two of them walking through the underbrush and yelling "Chaahh-kuh-liiit!").  Bachelor, the poochie pie who stars as Chocolate, is seen resting on the ground, visibly breathing. "Looks like a heart attack," Jeff astutely observes.
• April's maid (Libby Russler, affecting a ridiculous pseudo-Mexican accent) is brutally strangled by a zombie.  I use the term "strangled" loosely because the dubbing presents her as breathing heavily throughout the incident.
• Jeff chainsaws a zombie in half, and two live mice are discovered amidst the grue. Because, as everyone knows from eighth grade biology class, mice have a propensity to traipse around in ambulatory bodies.
• Joshua Daniels, a crass Texan who is an expert on the zombies and aids Zoe and Jeff in their fight, laughs heartily at Zoe's suggestion to call the police because AS IF the police would believe a story about the dead rising to attack people. Well, Mr. Daniels, why the f&$% would Zoe have to tell the police anything about the undead?  Could she not just say there was a group of people trespassing on her property and getting violent?  The zombies are so sluggish that Barney Fife could take them down on an off day.
• April flashes back to her father's murder, which she was not present for.  This sequence, which I will call "Oral Hygeine Gone Wrong", is deeply hilarious and indicative of just how hard Robert Scott (as "writer/director") and Bob Sarles (as "editor") fail.
• The "shocker" ending finally introduces Zoe and Jeff's parents, who have biological children of about 18 and 16 years of age and both appear to be in their late seventies.

All things considered, this movie is a huge waste of time; but for the yuks and Augesen's effort I give it an F+.

Texting with blog 'scuse me?

monica: I'm so over people right now. I want to move somewhere where only vegans are allows and dogs make all our decisions. 3:59 PM

tara: OMG me too!! People are absolutely driving me to drink this week. Obama's little poochie needs to anarchize the white house. 4:04 PM

monica: You could probably send him a message via Mae West [Tara's Poochie Companion] using the dog phone chain from 101 Dalmatians 4:06 PM

tara: Lol that is a fabulous idea. Mae West lives for anarchy! 4:07 PM

monica: I think all dogs are anarchists at heart. 4:09 PM

tara: Good ass point 4:09 PM

monica: We should write a comic book about a cute anarchist dog that slowly breaks down society, but no one notices because of his huge eyes and fluffy fur 4:11 PM

(via The Daily What)

Cocktails and Dinosaurs: News and Libations for the Weekend of June 8, 2012

Semi-monthly posts that remind you of the news you already read on the internet this past week.  This week's post is mainly a vain attempt to make Tara look bad because her last post was in March!







(via The Daily Meal)
I'm not saying anything about the Queen's Jubilee, but here's a Corgi pissing on Marmite.

• Welcome to Summer!  Time to jump into pee-filled pools to escape the heat.  Oh yes, I said 'pee-filled' and you know it's true.  Jezebel talks to one of these pee-ers to get their perspective.  It's a good read.
• Burning Love is an awesome new web series.  If not, not awesome. (You'll get that joke when you see episode 3, I'll excuse your ignorance.)  Take a couple people from The State (i.e. Ken Marino and Michael Ian Black) add Ben Stiller, Jennifer Aniston, Veronica Mars, Chang from Community, and a bunch of other funny talented people and you get an excellent show.  Honestly, if you haven't watched it already, I give up!  I'm sorry I didn't mean that, I love you. (btw, most of those links are to the Ellen show)
• A double rainbow graced Manhattan this past Sunday. A double frackin' rainbow! (via EV Grieve)
• The internet loves Michelle Obama's Top Ten on David Letterman so you should probably just watch it.
• Full Disclosure:  I have never seen MTV's The Jersey Shore.  However, being from New Jersey, I am pretty sure watching a parody of that show get attacked by sharks has to be somewhat satisfying.  You can watch the trailer to the SyFy (because that's how we spell science fiction now) channel movie, Jersey Shore Shark Attack here.  
• My mom and her sisters used to always talk about how much they loved playing with paper dolls.  I used to think, "Gee, that sucks.  All my dolls are in 3D."
  Anyway, the 'forever looking forward but in a backwards direction' folks at Vulture created Girls (on HBO) paper dolls.  Now you can recreate your favorite parts of the first season in the privacy of your own home!  All you need is a color printer, some scissors, and your imagination.  See also Downton Abbey and Ron Swanson paper dolls.  (via Jezebel)
• Did you love the movie Drive?  Did you think to yourself, "I wish Byran Cranston (who starred as Shannon in Drive) would interview the director of this fine movie."?  Well, part of your wish came true today because I have an excerpt of Nicolas Winding Refn being interviewed by Bryan Cranston.
• Have you been keeping tabs on the casting of the CBGB Movie?  It's exciting!
  
  

Cocktail of the Week:  Manhattan

My first introduction to the Manhattan cocktail was from The Simpsons Season 3 Episode 4 (Bart the Murderer).  I was searching for a clip of Bart Simpson mixing his first Manhattan, but the internet is fickle today.  Anyway,  I got this one at B-side in the East Village of Manhattan and it was superb!  Here's one recipe I found online and here's the "Real" Manhattan according to the NY Times.  Have fun with it, just make sure you don't get arrested for being the leader of a murderous criminal syndicate after you have mastered the art of making a Manhattan.

Send any news tidbits and cocktails ideas to: monicatara@gmail.com

Cocktails and Dinosaurs: News and Libations for the Weekend of May 25, 2012

Semi-regular posts that when I fail to publish on a weekly basis Tara tells me, 'it's okay maybe next week'.

(via thecolorless.net)

• Rumor has it Prince William isn't too fond of the Queen's Corgis  ...because they bark all the time?  Corgis are herding dogs that are loyal, obedient, even-tempered, confident, love to dress up in costumes, live in the sewers whilst fighting crime and eating lots of pizza.  Sounds like the perfect dog to me, WILLIAM!
  
  I should mention that the Queen also has four Dorgis...  What's a Dorgi?  Any reasonable person would ask that question.  It's a Corgi/Dachshund mix.  And I know what you're thinking, that's silly because they both have short legs.  (This information was obtained from Wikipedia)
• "First, I shall stop going to the vet.  Next, I shall take over the world.  Stupid Humans, BOW TO ME!!!" (Click here to see our new feline leader)
• Have you ever wonder what it would be like to have an Ice Cream Dad?  It's a lot like having a human dad.
• "Siri, do you think conditioning air is oppressive?"  (Zooey Asks Siri Twitter Feed)
• Let's rewind for a second.  Wolf Parade went on an indefinite hiatus since May of last year.  Last week, Handsome Furs announced on their facebook page that they were no more.  (For those who don't know, Dan Boeckner is in both of these bands.)  So all hope is lost... right?  NO.  Because early this week news comes out about a new Dan Boeckner band called Divine Fits with Britt Daniel (Spoon) and Sam Brown (New Bomb Turks).  If anyone wanted to see me dance for joy, that was the moment and you missed it.
• Random Celebrity News:  Adrian Grenier is selling beer (and the ladies love it), Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor are VEGAN (which means I like them more than you), and Jackie Chan isn't doing action movies anymore (it's time for more serious acting roles).
• Have you been wondering where The Melvins were this week?  Me Too!!!  We're like twins!

• So as of 2011, the name Tara ranked 877th in popularity with the Social Security Administration and strangely enough the name Taraji ranked 795th.  Now... how is it that the name Taraji became more popular than the name Tara?  As I was pondering this, a bit of news drew my attention.  This bit of news involves Tara Reid and 60 year old man... 
• If you live anywhere by New York, you have felt the gloomy overcast rain rain rain rain weather we've been having and for everyone where ever you are, please play this song because it's perfect (especially on the mornings when you just want to lay in bed all day):

• This is for Adam.  It's the "Call Me Maybe" Supercut video everyone was waiting for.  (via The Daily What)
• Please Save the Cakeshop

Cocktail of the Week:  Jack Rose

This cocktail consists of applejack brandy, grenadine, and lemon or lime juice (personally I prefer lime).  Jake Barnes drinks this cocktail in The Sun Also Rises and I'm always inclined to choose the drink of a fictional character.

Send any news tidbits and cocktails ideas to: monicatara@gmail.com

Stream a Little Stream - The Executioner's Song

Norman Mailer wrote the Emmy-winning screenplay for the gritty 1982 Southern drama The Executioner's Song, adapting his true life novel of the same name. Emmy voters may have had a soft spot for schizophrenia in the early eighties, considering that this film and its characters shift attitude and tone so often that viewers may think they've stumbled into a Utah desert full of Sybils.

Tommy "Alleged Jim Carrey-Hater" Lee Jones stars as career criminal Gary Gilmore, who ends a twelve-year prison sentence and is released into the custody of his cousin, Brenda (Christine Lahti). Gary, who was sentenced for armed robbery, has a hard time adjusting to life outside the pen (stuffing sliced tomato in his mouth as if he's rushing through lunch in a prison cafeteria, trying to make out with his cousin while her husband watches in annoyance through a window), but is soon constructively employed and tooling around in a Ford Mustang supplied by his boss.

"Damn straight we cray."

He soon meets Nicole Baker (Rosanna Arquette, with her magnificent bazooms in a key supporting role), who is sixteen years his junior and implies that she has reached Blanche Devereaux-esque heights of sexual experience. All of her partnerships, she tells Gary, have been rooted in simple crushes, not love. This bit of disclosure makes it all the more confusing when she is deeply, all-encompassingly in love with Gary within perhaps twenty hours of meeting him.
From this point, relationships between characters start to twist and flip-flop. "Wow, Gary and Nicole sure do love each other. Look at the nakedness of emoti-Wait, why is Nicole French-kissing a mutual friend at a backyard party while casting Gary spiteful glances?" At first, it is suggested that Nicole and Gary find refuge in each other, both products of an unfeeling world that has no desire to understand them. Suddenly, Nicole is lobbing insults and Gary is belting her in the face and threatening her with a butcher knife. Through the gobbledygook, it is revealed that both Gary and Nicole abuse drugs, but the viewer needs to backtrack to try to establish a clean link between the drug abuse and their unpredictable behavior.






















Director's Cut: Fifteen Percent More Rosanna Arquette Boobage

The head-scratching continues as Gary falls back into his prior criminal habits. The dual armed robberies that he commits before his arrest are not odd, considering what the viewer already knows about his character; the fact that he punctuates those crimes with the murders of those he robs, however, is. His second-act bloodlust appears unprecedented, and the reactions of his family members are disdainfully irritable when they should be shocked and horrified. When Gary and Brenda are in Brenda's backyard discussing his strained relationship with Nicole and Gary says, with utmost sincerity, "Maybe I'll kill 'er," Brenda all but rolls her eyes at him as if he said he was considering shoplifting a box of Yodels from the Piggly Wiggly.

Spoiler Alert (do you care?): Gary is sentenced to death for the murders, and lobbies for the sentence to be carried out ASAP so he doesn't have to deal with the abusive, stifling atmosphere of prison again. In the scenes leading to those of his execution by gunfire, Gary's family members roll over to the prison for some good old-fashioned clownin' and dancin'. Nicole reads a letter from Gary riddled with emo platitudes and realizes that, no, she doesn't hate him after all, she really really LOVES the sumbitch and needs to commit suicide so that they can be together in their next lives. Her suicide attempt, like most of this off-putting mishmash of a film, fails. Grade: D-

Cocktails and Dinosaurs: News and Libations for the Weekend of January 27, 2012

Semi weekly posts that cover quasi-relevant news in list form.  

Disclaimer:  I had planned to post some stuff three weeks ago, so you will find stuff that is as old as the Shit People Say Fad.

• The Puppy Bowl recently posted the starting line-up of poochie pies* and they are as adorable as usual.  I hate to say this, but Fonzi reminds me of a girl I went to high school with.
  Anyway, thanks to Animal Planet, most of us don't have to waste our night watching the Super Bowl and we get something to talk about with our friends the next morning. 
• However, there is a new referee this year and I think we all need to discuss this because this affects all of us.  What happened to Andrew Schechter?  He was with us through Puppy Bowls IV, V, VI, and VII and now we have Dan Schachner, whose last name is eerily similar.  I don't know if I'm comfortable with this...  What does "Dan"even know about personal fouls?(*poochie pies is a term Tara uses to refer to dogs of any age).

• Speaking of adorable things, is there anything cuter than a 7-year-old boy imploding an old granary (thanks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation)?  He says that watching Mythbusters inspired him to want to blow up buildings.  You know, I never thought about it before, but that show does leave me with a desire to destroy something. (via Videogum)

• Need even more cuteness?  How about this video compilation of Great Danes being scared by things like garden hoses and kitties?  Try not to go straight to petfinder looking for local rescues to bring home... I dare you! (via The Daily What)
  
• Bryan Lee O'Malley (cartoonist, best known for the Scott Pilgrim series) has recently joined the Tumblr community where he's been posting artwork including 'some roughs' from his upcoming book "Seconds" so you should follow him.
  
• If you follow Simon Pegg or Edgar Wright on twitter than you know that they are working on a new project.  Looks like it might be awhile...
  
  
• Have you been sitting at home wondering how you can get all the Ron Swanson GIFs onto one page on the internet?  Well... wonder no further because you ask, and Funny or Die delivers.
  
• Need more GIFs!  Tara and I downloaded a GIF camera app for iPhone and now we're making GIFs of everything.  Check out Tara's dancing skills.
  
  
• If you are anything like me, you are wondering what the next project is for the horse from War Horse.  Watch a clip of his new film in this interview with Inconsiderate Cell Phone Man (Rob Huebel) and Trent Hauser (Paul Scheer)

Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer Interview The War Horse from Paul Scheer

Recipe of the Week:  Roasted Vegetables with Lemon-Cannelini Sauce

My mom informed me that Brussels Sprouts are the new Kale.  In light of this new information, I decided to choose a recipe that had Brussels Sprouts for this week.  Enjoy!


Cocktail of the Week: Old Fashioned

According to Wikipedia, an Old Fashioned is a mixture of 12 parts American Whiskey, 1 part Simple Syrup, and 1-3 dashes Angostura Bitters.
"In an old-fashioned glass, add bitters to simple syrup and stir. Add about 1 ounce of whiskey and stir again. Add two cubes of cracked, but not crushed, ice and top off with the rest of the whiskey. Twist lemon peel over the top and serve garnished with the lemon peel and a maraschino cherry." 

It's also really good with an orange peel.

Send any news tidbits and cocktails ideas to: monicatara@gmail.com

Cocktails and Dinosaurs: News and Libations for the Weekend of January 6, 2012 (Tara's Birthday)

Semi monthly posts that only cover a week of news.  Happy Birthday, Tara!!

(via: ifeelyoufadingaway)

• There is an epidemic of shit on the internet... shit (fill in the blank) say, that is.
  
  Check it out: Shit Girls Say Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3 ...and the many parodies that followed like this one, or this one, and this one.  My favorite being Shit Vegans Say and More Shit Vegans Say.  That's a lot of shit.

• Remember, in season 4 episode 8 of iCarly when Carly's brother Spencer sneaks his Bottle Bot sculpture into a museum in order to convince their grandfather that he's a successful artist and doesn't need to go back to law school.  Well, an art student in Poland has tried the Spencer method with great success.

• 12 Reasons to watch the sky this year.  One already happened... so 11 reason to watch the sky because stars and stuff are cool.

• 18 Shows to watch this winter (some new, some returning).  Soak in that Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) because who needs social life when Veronica Mars and Jean-Ralphio are going to be in a dark comedy with Don Cheadle!  Pinch me!  (via The Daily Beast)
• Side note: Did I see Knives Chau, Britta Perry (Gillian Jacobs), and Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite in that Don Cheadle video?

• Party Down: The Movie!  Be excited with me!  A. Go watch Party Down now. B. Go buy a pink bow-tie.  C. Start a fan club with me where all we do is talk about how awesome John Enbom is and wear pink bow-ties!!  
  

• Speaking of awesome people, this Wil Wheaton video kind of speaks for itself:
  
  
  (via The Daily What) 
  Remember that time when he was on Gorgeous Tiny Chicken Machine Show as the talent agent... That was funny.
  
  
• Are you shopping for a camera?  Because the people at kottke.org found this awesome buyer's guide that I'll probably be using in the not to distance future.  You'll be able to tell when all our pictures stop looking like they were taken by a camera phone.
  
  
• Speaking of my iPhone... here is a video I took of the band Hunters during CMJ Week:
  
  
  
  They're going on tour with The Kills, you should check them out, buy their EP, see them live!
  

Recipe of the Week: Cremini Mushroom, Rainbow Chard and Shallot Soup. (via Hobby and More)  It's the perfect time of year for soup.  Treat yourself.

Cocktail of the Week:  So Delicious Dairy Free Nog with Rum and Cinnamon sprinkled on top (because I didn't have any nutmeg and I love cinnamon)

Send any news tidbits and cocktails ideas to: monicatara@gmail.com