Monica - blue
Tara - orange
You know the drill.
First off, let's talk about the ads for the show playing The Weather Girls - It's Raining Men. What's that about? Men? There is literally one man and 20-something girls. Please stop, save it for the Bachelorette or even Bachelor in Paradise. Unless you intend on letting it rain men and let these women have more than one option, I call bullshit.
#BringBackLaura
I'm not giving up on you, Laura!!!!
Potable Quotables:
"Ben is the greatest Bachelor on the planet of history." - One of the Twins, not sure which one, but I hear one of them is going to break their thumb. Hopefully that thumb is in every shot.
"If you had a list, he checks off every single list." -Jo Jo
"I came here to find Ben as a husband." - Lace
"Can I tell you one picture?" - Lace
Let's get into this episode:
Show opens to Ben putting on his pants on because we needed to confirm that Jami, the Canadian, wasn't lying about his big heart. He also meticulously adjusted his smushed mop hair and looked thoughtfully out a window. I believe with all my heart that Chris Harrison scripts these scenes.
First Date:
Group Date w/ Jackie (Saves the Date card), LB, Lauren H. (Dead Bouquet/Kindercop), Becca, Amber, Mandi (Dentist), Jo Jo (Unicorn Girl), Jubilee (our favorite X-man/vampire), Jennifer, Lace (The Girl You Wish You Didn't Start A Conversation w/ at the Party)
Date Activity: Going back to School to become homecoming queen or like if you fast forward Mean Girls and removed all the jokes. To the surprise of no one, Chris Harrison appears in a clichéd "professor" getup and makes morning announcements from his fake office like he's filming Grease 3.
Jubilee and Lace, shortest lived and cutest couple. I think those two can work it out. I see them being good friends on Bachelor in Paradise.
Science Class: "Make Ben's Volcano Explode" with love, trust, and communication
LUNCH CLASS!!!! Bobbing for apples. I didn't have this class, I pretty sure I would have been great at it.
Geography: Find Indiana, place it on a map of the United States. Becca barreled into the room looking confused, as if already in the throes of fucking up this activity.
Gym Class: Make a free throw.
And then race toward a banner and presto, you're a homecoming queen. Mandi was so determined to beat Unflavored Yogurt aka Amber that she got roughly six feet of air over the hurdles; it was breathtaking.
That evening even though Lace didn't get to make out with Ben, he did make out Jennifer (I keep forgetting she exists), JoJo, and Jubilee.
Alas, giving his rose to his bubbly poly-amorous unicorn dream girl, JoJo. This elicited stink eye from both Jubilee and Lace, yet again proving there is a friendship brewing there!
Lace is literally Sean Young in both appearance and attitude. I'm not surprised she's a real estate agent; I'm sure she has access to a ton of properties on which to dispose of bodies.
While the first crop of lucky ladies is reliving their high school days (which, for most if not all of them, ended about six months ago) a new date card is delivered to the mansion. Olivia makes terrifying "excited" faces and morphs into Cameron Diaz on bath salts, then is crestfallen when the date goes to Caila, who makes Ariana Grande look forty-eight years old.
Second Date:
One on one with Caila
She was promised a "Day of Surprises," instead she got a Day of Cross-promoting Ride Along 2. #ridealong2 She gets to spend the day with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube...and Ben tags along.
I was STUNNED that Ride Along 2 is from Universal Studios, COMPETITOR to Walt Disney Studios!! My happiness was short-lived when I realized the ubiquitous Kevin Hart was going to, as Ice Cube put it, "steal the show". I was already in the early stages of Kevin Hart fatigue. That being said, I'd take a special 8-hour long episode of The Bachelor featuring no one but Kevin Hart over a five-minute appearance by Dane Cook.
Kevin Hart mentions fried chicken in a crock pot. That's a thing!!! Have I been so far up my own vegan/whole food ass I didn't realize you could fried things in a crock pot?
Hot Tub Store date...genius!
I am shocked (and, admittedly, disappointed) that Chris Harrison didn't show up in Bermuda shorts with Huey and an armful of inflatable tub toys.
Ben looked like he was in the white-hot grip of homophobic panic when Kevin Hart emerged from the hot tube nude.
They continue on their date with dinner at the smallest table ever and stumble into a venue with hanging candles and Amos Lee playing to an empty room. What are the odds?
For the record, I detest Amos Lee's cover of "Sweet Pea". I cackled when Ben said "This is my favorite song...like, of all time." If Chris Soules was the John McCain of the Bachelor, Ben is the George Bush. Also, this version is from a 2006 album, which means it was released five years before Caila was born.
Third Date:
Group Date with the Twins, Shushanna (XUXA), Sam (Passed the Bar), Amanda, Olivia
Their date starts out like this:
On this date, Ben is going to let "Data" lead him to the right woman.
This whole date has Shushanna trying to remember the last time she ate cabbage. Poor Girl. Don't be ashamed to eat vegetables!!!!
Ben tells Sam she smells sour, Amanda he's not afraid of her daughters, and gives another rose to Olivia.
Favorite scenes:
One of the Twins saying, with a grimace, "I'm not very smart".
The smell test ("She's like a giant raspberry"). We have hit rock bottom, guys. We're beneath Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars here.
Olivia trash-talking to the camera about Sam getting the lowest compatibility score. Yes, Sam, you should be devastated and pack those bags because you were given a 2.9 by a doctor who's probably only licensed in Arkansas.
Props to Lace for pulling Olivia aside and being like "Stop eating up all of Ben's time."
Wait, I should start this with why Lace won me over tonight. I've totally been in the same situation where I've said something stupid to a guy and then the next chance I get I tell him I used to have double bangs. I don't even know what double bangs are. Lace, stop calling yourself "crazy." You've been put in an abnormal situation and you're fighting to survive while half of them are just angling to be the next bachelorette. You've made Tara 210 points in the first two episodes and I am still rooting you. So glad you got a rose tonight! Also, don't be so angry when girls interrupt you and Ben, I think it's been saving you from making things worse.
Lace finally showing some vulnerability while Ben looked at her with thinly veiled contempt was painful. At this point, Ben and Olivia deserve each other. Ben can smile at her all day with empty eyes while she chomps at the air around him like a Cenobite.
It finally dawned on me that Jennifer looks like Maya Rudolph.
Ben showed Lauren B. how much he cared by giving her a candid photo of them from the prior episode, which I guess the KGB delivered to Chris Harrison. Just kidding - Chris Harrison is IN the KGB.
LB ran for the hills of Oklahoma because she knew she didn't have long-term potential. Smart move. Don't wait to stand in a barn getting told this just isn't going to work while Olivia lurks in the background with a scythe.
Amber got the final rose because the producers didn't want her to look like an idiot for trying this Bachelor stuff again and getting the heave-ho one minute in.
MANDI NOOOOOOOOOO!! They didn't even show her exit interview??? And I knew Sam was going to leave because of the weird smell thing. There's no coming back from that. Poor Sam - may she and her Lamb Chop eyelashes grace Bachelor in Paradise.
Notable Tweetables:
#MoleVibes sensing some of these girls look too weak to be bachelor girl material. #TheBachelor
— Ben Higgins MOLE (@benhigginsmole) January 12, 2016
Yeah, #molevibes is a thing! Congratulations, Ben H's mole!
Sniff de weemin I nevr was DIS creepie rite? #TheBachelor
— Fake Juan Pablo (@juanpablofake) January 12, 2016
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