Sunday, January 31, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 4 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange
We write stuff about the episode and other stuff that concerns us and post it maybe before the next one airs.

This week they finally leave the mansion for Las Vegas.  The marriage capital of the world and Ben is excited because this is a place where people do find love or make the biggest little mistake of their lives.  Oh wait, that's Reno. 

Olivia sits around in the morning wearing a lumberjack shirt and never closing her mouth before Lord and Master Chris Harrison appears to make the Vegas announcement.  "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I can't handle this right now!" gushes Olivia (here's an actual screengrab):


First Date:  One on one with JoJo

Date Activity: Helicopter Ride... then fireworks on the roof

I'm not quite clear on what this date entailed.  They had champagne on the roof while waiting for the helicopter, the helicopter comes and all that gets blown away, they fly around, have a quiet chat and watch fireworks on a rooftop.  No fake dinner?  No jacuzzi?  No private concert?
When I found out the date card read, "You set my heart on fire" I hoped in vain that JoJo and Ben would go to an abandoned warehouse and re-enact scenes from Backdraft.  Instead JoJo almost gets knocked over by a table while Amber drinks coffee and Olivia mopes. And then Ben tells JoJo that when he's with her he's "like, you know, in that moment where, like, nothing else matters".  I am literally witnessing Ben's brain cells die as he stares at his dates.  JoJo likes Ben because apparently dudes who ignore the top two buttons of their dress shirts make her feel safe.

Second Date: Group Date with Amanda, Jubilee, Amber, Leah, Haley, Emily, Caila, Lauren B., Lauren H., Olivia, Jennifer, Rachel

Leah does a heinous ponytail whip when her name gets announced for the group date.

Date Activity: Talent Show opening for a "comedian" that uses "puppets"

The gang walking in on Terry Fator's yodeling companion was unequivocally terrifying. Still one million times better than Jeff Dunham.  But then....


I'd like to take a moment to talk about Lauren H.  Back in week 2 she commented on a girl's apple bobbing skills, "Jackie is not good with her mouth, unfortunately."  Week 3 she comments that she has "zero ball handling skills."  This week she's talking about nipple tassels and kissing little Ben.

She needs to do more commentary and I can't wait to see her on Bachelor in Paradise.  What I'm saying is I really want her to be the Tanner of this season.

Back to the date, they gloss over everyone's talents to highlight Olivia as she half-asses/quarter-asses her way through a improvisational burlesque routine.  Afterwards she runs into a Boyz II Men dressing room to have a panic attack.  

Apparently her and Ben's "bam...sha-bam" couldn't save her from being a graceless dope.  I have to give her credit for being self-aware enough to know that Ben was underwhelmed and gave her the dreaded "pity hug".

During the evening portion of this date all I could think of was this sketch from last weekend's Saturday Night Live.
"I'm blue eyes, brown hair, and grey shirt."

Calia and Ben make out like drunk college freshmen and Ben calls her a "sex panther" to the camera.   A couple of weeks ago I compared Ben to George Bush.  I take that back, because he's George W. Bush.

Olivia ropes Ben in for a heart-to-heart in light of her shitty dance number and Ben gapes at her with barely muted disgust, like he used to do with Lace.   Then he tries to have a conversation with Emily about her leaving her dog behind to look for fake love on a reality show, and Olivia comes bee-bopping out of the shadows for yet another one-on-one.  Ben's liver audibly clenches with rage as Emily strolls off with a line usually reserved for dudes I have a crush on who aren't interested:  "Have a good one!"

Third Date: One on One with Becca

Date Activity:  Becca assists Ben as he officiates several wedding... it's about as lame as it sounds.  Then they drive to the Neon Museum which is not lame at all.  Yet again, no fake dinner?

Did nobody tell Ben to tuck in his goddamn shirt while he's officiating real people's weddings?    
The first groom, Travis, looks like the young version of the husband in Grant Wood's American Gothic.  The bride, Leah, has trippy shoulder tats and looks like Lauren H.'s older sister.  Becca looks like a Duggar daughter in her flowy white thing as she watches a bespectacled kid give his new wife the most forced, awkward kiss since Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley stupefied the audience at the '94 MTV Video Music Awards.

Who else noticed that when Ben told the camera, "all the questions I wanna know about Becca...I wanna know 'em tonight", his eyes went like this:

The power of Christ compels Ben.

Fourth Date: Two on one with the Twins

Date Activity: Going to the Twin childhood home to dump one of them in front of their mom.


Emily sprawls on her bed with Ben and throws her sister under the bus for "not really making a connection" with Ben as the twins' mom wears a horrendous peasant top and sits under a mountain of doxies.

At least Hayley doesn't have to pack while crying and take the limo ride of shame away from the hotel.  She can walk right into her room and blast Taylor Swift.

Cocktail Party:

Olivia steals Ben again. Again.  At this point Ben is looking at her like she's the human version of syphilis and she is in a state of feverish delusion, telling JoJo that Ben is falling in love with her.

Jerry Bruckheimer film music plays as the girls gather at the chopping block.

Ironically, Amber is one of the last people I want to go home, because her hatred for Olivia is actually making her interesting. Miracles don't only happen at Christmas.

Aaaand Amber goes home because he once again chooses Olivia. 

Join us next week as.....

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