Sunday, January 24, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 3 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange
You know the drill.

Show opens with Lauren B. and Amanda complaining about Olivia.  Foreshadowing perhaps to an episode chock full of women behaving badly toward other women.  

I would kill to see Olivia's alleged $40,000 collection of clothes.

Chris Harrison shows up at the mansion to see how everyone is enjoying their complimentary copy of The Perfect Letter and to drop off the date card.  He feels a "heaviness" in the room, a real bummer type of energy, man.  I don't know what he was expecting considering Huey is no longer in the mansion.

First Date:  
One-on-one with Lauren B. Calia is extremely disappointed that she's not the one to go out with Ben, especially because he's wearing powder blue.  I suspect she has progressive parents and they decorated her nursery in powder blue instead of pink, when she was a fetus literally 3.5 years ago.  Sorry, the watered-down Statler and Waldorf bits about Calia's age are probably going to keep coming.

Date Activity:
Ben takes the flight attendant on a biplane ride so that they can fly over the bachelor mansion and make out.  There is nothing weird about that. Lauren B. says the high-flying adventure makes her "nervous, but, it's also, like, relaxing".  What a delightful paradox! The left-behind ladies watch the plane soaring over the mansion and Emily the Twin says "that totally could OF been me".  She actually puts stress on "of" to hammer down that she fails at grammar.  Then in classic bachelor fashion they stumble on a hot tub in the middle of nowhere.  Still nothing weird. Love the camera zooming in on JACUZZI.  Ben and Lauren B. are relaxing in a genuine JA-COO-ZEE, everyone.  I was imagining the contract between Jacuzzi and ABC committing ABC to lingering on the label for a period of no less than 3 seconds and wishing I had drafted it.    And then a surprise private concert from a band no one has heard of.   Ben gets two gold stars for saying generic country singer Lucy Angel's name as if he's introducing Taylor Swift.  He gets fifty gold stars for discussing his connection to her song: "I was listening to the lyrics about how, a girl's arms, it changes me. And all I could think of... like, this girl right now is changing me".  Ben >>>>>Yeats.

Classic bachelor date formula:  Convertible car ride + exciting activity + hot tubbing + private concert = The right reasons?  ...I almost had something.

During this date, Ben says,"Will you accept my rose?"  Way to take ownership, Ben!  However, later in the episode he reverts back to "this rose" it was a refreshing chance of pace.

Back at the mansion Caila provides a strong case for why she should be the next bachelorette. Agreed. She realizes - brace yourselves - THERE ARE OTHER WOMEN IN THE MANSION. WHO ARE INTERESTED IN BEN. AND SHE MAY NOT BE THE ONE TO MARRY HIM. WHAT IS OBAMA'S PHONE NUMBER BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS HELLFIRE.  In the midst of her devastation she unleashes one of the episode's best quotes:  "It's hard to have a heart when you know it could be broken".  Somebody call Carrie Underwood!

Second Date:
Group Date with Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Lauren H., Emily, Leah, Olivia, Jami, Lace, Shushanna, Amber, Rachel  Jami's "I have a date" victory song is the stuff of dreams.

Date Activity:
Learn how to play soccer in Los Angeles Coliseum.  How is it possible that not one of these girls has ever played soccer? What about gym class?  Field Day? A neighbor's backyard?  It never came up?  

Jubilee tearfully venting about Ben having a "type" is a revelation that Ben is a smiling simpleton who likes fellow smiling simpletons; it's a shame she doesn't have an epiphany and follow LB out the door.

Chris Harrison pops in again with a twist.  They have to divide into two team and only the winning team gets to go to the after party... so it's a fight to the death.  Well, people get hurt.  Amber stops evaporating into the foliage for a second to score the winning goal.  Rachel, I don't know, dies or breaks her leg or something. Olivia makes Cheshire Cat faces at the camera and continues to be a  douchebag.

Some Colorful Observations:
Date 1: Ben wears a baby blue shirt
Date 2: Ben wears a primary blue shirt
And randomly Olivia matches the date 2 day time primary blue shirt with her date 2 night time dress.  Luckily Ben had changed into a grey sweater by then, but it's probably because they have a secret language.

Lace does not get enough screen time during this date and I'm not happy about it.  I believe Lace is the only one we can count on to fight the good fight against Olivia and her alleged non-cute toes and disgusting breath.  Amber is showing glimmers of emerging from her oatmeal cocoon and taking a few swings at Olivia, but at the moment she's harnessing all her energy to demonize Jubilee.

Third Date: 
One-on-one with Jubilee

Date Activity:
Helicopter ride to Cal-a-vie Health Spa

Ben looks at Jubilee like she has three heads when she says she loves hot dogs.  Ben is more a "caviar and upsetting haircut" type of guy.  Four actual gold stars to Jubilee for calling out Ben on his phony laugh, which he should have seen coming considering the only funny person in the mansion is Lace, who Ben looks at like she's a vomit stain.

Jubilee tells Ben that her entire family was killed and his response is, "Do you understand what you have done in bring you here?"   Um, what?  She tells him her ENTIRE FAMILY IS DEAD and he tries to assure her by reminding her that she was picked to compete on a reality show with a bunch of stiff Abercrombie models who know only twenty words of the language they were raised speaking?  *cartoonish shrug* 

Lauren H. telling the camera why Ben will not choose Jubilee, as well as her use of "literally insane", is all the evidence I need that she's a Wonder Bread asshole. 

Cocktail Party: 

Ben strolls in and announces that two people very close to him died, who were "pillars of the community".  Olivia responds by pulling Ben aside and tearfully whining about her cankles. It was, to be frank, the best moment in the history of media.  Then he gets an impromptu "grieving process massage" from Jubilee and everyone is fit to be tied.

Lace asks Ben if she can "steal him for a second" and he says "sure" and looks like he's getting dragged by his veins Nightmare on Elm Street 2-style into the pits of Hell.


Aaaand Lace voluntarily leaves.  Ben could not care any less.  Like, ANY less.  Fuck.

Ben ambles back into the rose ceremony and tells the remaining ladies he's feeling things he's never felt before, which is disturbingly vague.

Jami gets "blindsided" by Ben throwing her out and tearfully announces to the camera she's going to start "adopting cats now".  Jami, you are 23 years old.  Take a breather, practice some self-care, and remind yourself that you have 7 solid years before society starts getting on your case about being single.

According to the teaser, Olivia has some kind of breakdown next week - I'm sure it will be exquisitely hor-BEN-dous!!

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