We would like to interrupt our regularly scheduled radio silence to bring to you recaps of each Bachelor episode. We usually save this for texts to each other while discussing how poorly my fantasy team is doing. Tara got both twins this season, I'm doomed. I had Shaun on my team for the Bachelorette and Tara still won. Look it up, they're engaged. For the rest of these posts, I will be writing in blue and Tara will be writing in orange.
**Needless to say, if you haven't watched episode 1, there are spoilers below.**
Hashtags I came up with during the show, but will never use because I don't want to lose my 33 twitter followers (but if I can get to 66 followers, I'll totally start live tweeting @mon_o_gram *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*):
#smalltownvalues
#unlovable
#soinappropriate
#minihorsingaround
#fiftyshadesofcrazy
#mentalillnessisaseriousdiseasethataffectsmillionsofamericansandthewordcrazyshouldnotbethrownaroundwithoutacknowledgingthatsomepeoplemightfinditoffensive (this one might be too long)
#connection
#youngladies
#litterofbitches (I'd like to thank Diablo Cody for that one, that would be a great band name and if anyone needs a guitarist for Litter of Bitches, I'm available!)
Since we're talking about tweets, here are some great ones I read during the show:
Do u think when Ben has sex he says "thank u for coming"...like he just did to that girl? 😁😁😁 #TheBachelor
— Carly Waddell (@carlywaddell) January 5, 2016
Emily's occupation is "twin"
— dodai (@dodaistewart) January 5, 2016
We tried to get her to ride the mini horse, but we were told to save that for episode two. #SpoilerAlert #TheBachelor #InternsForHuey
— Bachelor Interns (@BachelorInterns) January 5, 2016
I hope ben dates the horse!!!!! 😍🐴 @mollyfitz
— dodai (@dodaistewart) January 5, 2016
Warren G: regulator
Warren G. Harding: de-regulator
— paulrust (@paulrust) January 5, 2016
That last one has nothing to do with the show, I just thought it was funny.**Can we take a break to talk about how good The Goldbergs is? At the end of every episode, they show a real home video. It all really happened or at least some of it. That's crazy.** Okay, back to the Bachelor.
Note to Ben: It's called a pocket square for a reason. Not a pocket triangle or pocket flare, it's a pocket SQUARE! I know this is our first fight, I hope it doesn't affect our relationship.
Now let's get down to brass tacks, the ladies, the young ladies, the fine young cannibals (I mean ladies, sort of) with botox and fake tans in the order they arrived.
Lauren B - flight attendant, gave him wings
Caila - The cute software salesman, who dumped her boyfriend to be on the show.
Jennifer - Made a Ben and Jen reference... too soon.
Jami - Canadian and on my fantasy team so I love her implicitly. She's apparently friends with pre-Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe, who shared that Ben has a big, huge, gigantic di-HEART! Boiiiiing!
Samantha - She passed the bar and has a sad story, so give her a rose.
Jubilee - If Ben is going to have any chance of running for President, he should definitely consider marrying someone with a military background. #BenHforPresident2024
I am praying for Jubilee to crash into Lace's room on a tank at some point this season.
Amanda - occupation Esthetician
Lace - kissed Ben without his consent, not cool. However, more importantly, and I'm not the only one, I was racking my brain trying to figure out why she seemed so familiar and then it clicked... she's the girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party...
It's the first episode and Lace's villain routine is already tiresome as fuck.
Lauren R - internet stalker, never said her name, no rose.
She urged him to find her in the house because she had "something to show him", which I figured was a scrapbook bound in human skin filled with Ben Higgins magazine clippings.
Shushanna - my mind immediately jumped to Xuxa (video), who is Brazilian not Russian, but I couldn't pass up an opportunity to share this video:
Leah - event planner from Denver, who did this:
Jo Jo - The young lady with the unicorn mask and special thanks to Diablo Cody for pointing out the popular use of the word unicorn.
Lauren H - The one with the dried up old bouquet of flowers.
She's a kindergarten teacher, so I guess she's used to people throwing trash at each other, but tossing Ben the withered bouquet from the wedding she'd gone to last week was a bizarre tactic.
Laura - My favorite, red velvet, #bringbackredvelvet and I'm not the only one that feels that way. Thanks, Jezebel.
I am soooo with Monica on this one. Give Red Velvet everything - her own reality show, a couple of Irish setter puppies, a Truth About Cats and Dogs-style romantic comedy for millennials.
Mandi - The dentist (aka Dr. Giggles) whose bio says she might drink a little too much, hopefully she sticks around long enough to get me points because she's on my team. I believe in you, Mandi, and your oversize rose hat.
The Twins - I refuse to learn their names until one of them is eliminated.
They CLEARLY take this whole thing way seriously.
Maegan - She has a mini-horse named Huey.
I see a season full of awkward visual gags featuring Huey and Chris Harrison. Steel yourselves.
Breanne - I'm sorry, but if a guy walked up to me with a picnic basket full of baguettes and started smashing them on the curb, I'd cry. I'm carb sensitive.
Izzy - "You're the onesie for me," I'm stitching that into a throw pillow with a mini-horse and me high fiving right now.
Rachel - Hoverboard Girl with the Chuck Taylors, 'nuff said.
Jessica - The accountant from Boca who kept the introduction nice and bland. I needed that rest.
Tiara - Chicken enthusiast. The shot of Tiara looking pensively at framed photos of chickens was a more important television moment than the moon landing. I was hoping she'd at least make it to Episode 3.
Lauren (LB) - Also kept things gently blah and wore a cool fuchsia dress.
Jackie - She brought a "Save the date" card with her and Ben's name on it for March something, but in my notes I wrote Saves the Day, so fuck it! Here's a Saves the Day video:
Olivia - Did a brief breathing exercise with Ben and made a joke about drawing on her dimple. According to the sneak peek at the rest of the season, she blossoms into one of the series' classic Lying Deceptive Fake Lying Connivers.
Becca - Staring into the barrel of Chris Soules' rejection cannon while standing in a drafty barn didn't make her lose hope, I guess. Now she's after Ben, who's 8 years Chris's junior and doesn't laugh like the Joker on helium.
Amber - Amber is the human equivalent of Bran Chex. There's just nothing. Bless her heart.
Ben's clearly dealing with the top tier of humanity, which is far more than he deserves considering this is his current position in "World's Most Lovable Men, 1920-Present":
- Robin Thicke
- Hitler
- Ben Higgins
He's a sensitive guy from the heartland with small-town values who just wants somebody to have nervous breakdowns at McDonald's with. I admire his gumption considering the potential challenges ahead of him are limitless: Chris Harrison Seacresting extra hard ("...a horse, a bachelorette, and a unicorn walk into a mansion..."), dental drill attacks, Lace's humorless rictus.
Ben delivering the inevitable "my wife could be in this room" speech while Huey stood placidly in the foreground was beautiful.
Dimplehead Olivia got the First Impression Rose because she quit being a news anchor, loves to travel, and looks Nordic. Lace spent most of the episode creeping after Ben like Gollum and criticizing him for not making her feel special; of course she wasn't booted off because assholes equal ratings. I'm wondering if later in the season she's going to share with Ben that she once had an affair with a married man named Sanderson Poe. Seriously, we are four minutes into the season and he's already so pissed off at her nonsense that he's raising his voice. I expect her to hang on like a cockroach, but of course she won't make it to the Final Three, so I'll sit here and fantasize about her inevitable exit.
Breanne, Izzy the Pajama Lady Who Never Had a Chance in Hell, Tiara Friend of Chickens, Laura, Maegan, Red Velvet (SOB!!), Lauren R, and Jessica got kicked out the door. Breanne's sadness was so intense I was waiting for her sparkly belt to go dark.
This should be an exciting season. There's frolicking under a rainbow, erotic massage, a panic attack, a black eye, and Ben's contemplation of something that would "ABSOLUTELY CHANGE EVERYTHING". I'm sure there's also a date where Ben and fill-in-the-blank go to a private screening of a film produced by Walt Disney Pictures and promote the movie to the camera and make it like they totally came up with the glowing reviews on their own.
Buckle your seatbelts - it's gonna be a BEN-py ride!! LOLOLOL
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