Sunday, February 14, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 6 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange
My DVR guide describes this episode as "The two-on-one date leaves one woman traumatized."  My response:
Rose Ceremony:
Ben pulls capering demon Olivia aside and asks her why the other women hate her so much.  Olivia says they alienate her for being "different" - she likes "reading books" while the other ladies like "painting their nails" and "doing each other's hair" (I'm going to add "brushing their teeth").  She starts fake crying so Ben will let her stick around. 

Olivia, you seem to forget that last week you were on camera doing your nails.  Tara seems to think she meant the ladies were doing each others nails, but I think Olivia's full of shit. 

Ben announces he "appreciates every one" of the ladies (all of whom are fuming except Olivia) while his hair sits gingerly on his head like a damp toupee.   Can we get a surprise appearance by Huey to lighten the mood?

Jennifer gets the heave-ho because she's boring and Ben tells her, "You're gonna make somebody...very happy."  (The last part of that statement, "Your mom, when you spend the rest of your bitter life splitting the mortgage with her in a one-bedroom condo", was removed in editing.)  Actual screenshot of Olivia enjoying her celebratory flute of champagne:

Group Destination:  The Bahamas!!  VIVA LA BAHAMAAAS
The ever-resplendent Chris Harrison visits the ladies as they sip mimosas in the hotel suite.  Becca, who's been looking very gassy, presents the one-on-one date card to Caila shortly before Ben emerges from the shadows with half his shirt unbuttoned.  Ben, you are not Burt Reynolds and therefore I beg you to stop the shirt fuckery.
One-on-One with Caila: Boats McGotes
Caila and Ben go fishing with a rod that's attached to her hips as Leah sobs in a frustration.  She lives TEN MINUTES from Ben in the dull universe that exists outside the show.  They could have met IN A BAR, for crying out loud.  She was picked for The Bachelor literally by Magical Santa Claus Jesus and Ben's not exploring this miracle with her.  (Dear ABC, stop trying to manipulate my feels with clips of Leah sobbing while Ben and Caila are having the time of their lives Sandals-style.)  Instead, he's wasting his time with perky bubbly Caila.  Caila refuses to get serious and vulnerable in front of Ben for reasons unclear even to her; but she suspects the problem is that she's incapable of romantic love.  Sounds too good to be true, if you ask me.   At first Ben wants to throw her off the show right then and there but ends up telling the camera he finds it "attractive that [Caila] can be confusing".  This confuses ME, because if Ben should be used to anything, it's getting confused.  Stoplights, crescent moons, and microwave ovens confuse Ben.  I guess he's constantly horny. 
Their "dinner" conversation is a delightful train wreck.  Caila is telling Ben that she doesn't want to cry in front of him, who knows how that conversation got started, and the longer she talks the more confused Ben looks.  She somehow saves herself by saying she feels "understood" by Ben when he has absolutely no idea what she's talking about.
Group Date: Becca, Lauren H., Amanda, Lauren B., JoJo, Leah
Becca is afraid of getting mauled by a shark, but should probably be more concerned about the possibility Ben is taking them to Isla Sorna.  Suddenly....

YAYYYY ACQUATIC PIG ATTACK!!  Becca didn't realize she was scared of pigs until this moment.  I didn't realize my ideal vacation is to be surrounded by all-up-in-your-business pigs in the Atlantic until this moment.
Once the pigs get bored, Leah starts crying again because she's a "group date groupie".  The delicious irony is her obsessive concern over Ben "not giving [her] a chance" is probably going to get her kicked out rather than any tag-along status. Shit gets awkward with everyone on this date.  It was as if everyone had just realized they were on the Bachelor.
After the awkward beach frolicking, Ben visits the ruminating ladies while wearing a ribbed shirt with two buttons undone and asks, "Can I sit down somewhere?" as he sits down on the sofa.  Can we get Chris Soules back or something?  Ben and his vanilla bravado and prickliness remind me more of  Justin Bieber all the time.  
Ben gives helium-voiced Amanda a rose and Lauren B. is so devastated her hair transforms into a windswept top-of-the-head bun.  Leah is on the creep trying to be the next Olivia and Ben shows how much this impresses him by throwing her out.

 Lauren H. didn't get the memo about the cut-off jeans.  Coincidentally, she got sent home this week. 

Two-on-One Date:  Asshole vs. The Twin
Olivia and Emily travel to a distant shore with Ben while there's a hurricane a-brewin'.   Olivia shows Ben how much she loves him by telling him she's grounded, intimidating, smart, strong, intellectual, and I think she said the Beatles wrote the White Album for her.  
Finally, FINALLY, Olivia goes home.  She fake sobs as Ben and Emily leave her to die on Skull Island.

Ben poses awkwardly on a wall and then cancels the cocktail party because he's a cranky bitch.  Why didn't Chris Harrison just hang out with the ladies and camera crew for a couple of hours and get loaded? 
Rose Ceremony: 
Ben's buttons are undone as usual and his bangs are fluffed.
JoJo panics because she realizes she's pretty dull but she ends up with a rose.  Becca's dress looks like it was cut from a mattress cover so she gets one too.   Lauren H. gets the axe and does one of the season's best ugly cries in the back of the limo.  See you on Bachelor in Paradise, pal!
Credits Treat:  This flies into the house and wackiness ensues:

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