Thursday, February 4, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 5 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange
Blah, Blah, The Right Reasons, Blah

Next Destination:  Mexico City, the romance capital of Mexico City

Interesting tidbit:  Olivia has a bidet.  She's only 23 year old and she's clearly doing better than me.  If you want to cheer me up, please bidon't.

First Date:  One on one date with Amanda

Olivia is surprised to hear that Miss Teen Mom Forty Tons of Baggage Used Goods Children-Having Amanda caught Ben's attention to this degree. 

Date Activity:  Hot Air Balloon Ride.  Exciting romantic adventure?  Check.  Nicely packed picnic?  With food that they presumably never consume?  Check and check.  Champagne?  Obviously.  I'd call this a date if it wasn't for the lack of Jacuzzi.  How can you really get to know someone unless you're surrounded by warm bubbly water.  

To start out this "date", Ben gives the girls a wake up call at 4:30 am.  All the girls are a little embarrassed, not expecting this visit, no one is dressed up or wearing makeup, one girl has zit cream on and another is wearing a retainer.  All the girls except for Amanda, that is.  She has full makeup on, wakes up looking like she slept on a cloud.  This reminds me of Britt during Chris Soules season, she also woke up in the middle of the night with makeup on and if I remember correctly, she explain that she took it off every night and immediately puts it on before she sleeps.  That explanation has bothered me ever since.  First off, is it bad to sleep with your makeup on?  Yes.  Secondly, that means Britt has never seen her actual face.  (Wait, was Britt's date also a hot air balloon?)
Here's my theory:  Since the girl going on the date would need to pack her bags before leaving for the date in case she gets sent home, someone in production has to tell her that bag needs to be packed before she goes to bed.  So does she jump to the conclusion that there may be an early wake up call with the bachelor or did they explicitly tell her?  And either way why didn't she share this with the other girls?  Or were they like "you're crazy, Ben doesn't wake up early, he's a software salesmen."?  Either way, what were you thinking, you want the man you are trying to marry think you naturally wake up with brown sparkly eyelids.  That's going to be so hard to maintain.
 Ben sprawls on the picnic grass with Amanda and tells her that he, "like, just wants to see what it's like being around" her.  There's an almost palpable specificity when Ben talks and I admire that.  Amanda mentions that she doesn't want to "scare" Ben away with her children and whatnot; I think if anything scares him away it'll be those absolutely heinous opened-toed suede booties.

Ben presents Amanda with a rose and at this point has shown the world he loves the word "incredible" as much as Chris Soules did.  He makes it clear her life doesn't scare him; he can definitely imagine a future with her and the kiddies.  Here's the kind of dad I expect Ben to be:

Second Date:  Group Date with Jubliee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah, and Olivia

Lauren H. is so excited to get excluded from the group date (and therefore picked for a one-on-one)  she almost sloshes cabernet all over the sofa.  Olivia continues to sulk and tells the camera she doesn't want Ben anymore; she NEEDS him.  I feel literally nineteen thousand "can I steal you"s coming on!

Date Activity:  After a Spanish language class where they learn bachelor-esque phrases in Spanish like "I want to kiss you" and "I'm falling in love with you," the girls get recipes written in Spanish to create classic Mexican dishes.  

Emily claims that on a scale of one to ten, her Spanish-speaking skills are at a negative ten.  So are her math skills, I guess.

The girls have to break up into pairs to make these dishes.  With nine girls, someone gets Ben on their team.  Jubilee and Olivia fight over Ben, if you call an awkward staring and silence, fighting.  Olivia wins because her and Ben have a secret love language (which she tells the camera as she sits there looking like she noshed a few Quaaludes).

Olivia flaunting her knowledge of Spanish and forcing herself on Ben in cooking class conjures this image:

The topic of Olivia's bad breath comes up again just as Ben is force feeding her a pile of mint. 

I am 120,000% convinced Ben got a compensation increase for letting the producers keep Olivia on the show for so long.  She is wild as a rabid badger and her mouth "smells like shit", according to Emily (as much as she hates Olivia, I can't see her fabricating such a thing - wouldn't she just run with the fat toes and sociopathic behavior?). There is no way in hell Ben sees any potential in Margot Robbie on K2 at this point.

Ben kicks Jubilee out the door because she's too insecure for him.   Jubilee sobs and declares herself "the most unlovable person in the world". America months away from seeing the first black woman become Bachelorette???  Genuinely curious and excited.  But the media is racist as fuck so it will probably be Amanda.

Olivia gets a rose from Ben, causing Emily's platinum extensions to ignite with rage.  While Olivia accepts her rose and shoves fruit kabobs in her mouth she's dressed like the Predator for some reason.

Third Date:  One on one date with Lauren H.

Date Activity:  Fashion Show in Mexico City where Ben and Lauren H. get to be models.  This is followed by a fake dinner and guy on the street with a harp (close enough to a private concert).  

I was so excited about Lauren H. last week and this week not a single one-liner.  What?  You get a one-on-one date and all of the sudden you're taking this seriously.  We had something, Lauren.  

Lauren H. shows up for the date wearing a top that's a belly shirt but also a mini-dress.  Olivia isn't threatened by this or any other awesome Lauren H. facet because she's too busy painting her nails and sleeping on two beds at the same time.

LH managed to walk the runway without puking on it, but she looked on the verge of laughter almost the whole time, which I suppose isn't the desired "fashion model" expression.  Olivia's typical expression is more suitable:

Ben likes LH because she "really says what's on [her] heart".  The George W. score is touching the sun at this point.

Cocktail Party:  

Olivia makes a comment about Amanda's life being like Teen Mom, that TV show that follows teen moms.  That was clearly a line she should not have crossed.  Emily responds to this by telling Ben the truth about Olivia.  Ben puts on his detective cap and questions the rest of the girls at the cocktail party to uncover who the real Olivia is.

Can't wait for next week, when he deduces she's a total piece of shit and keeps her on the show!   By the way, instead of Bachelor Live can we just watch Emily do different kinds of shots for half an hour?

Now more importantly, I think I might be falling in love with Fake Juan Pablo.
Oh and Ben Higgins MOLES (@benhigginsmole) are following me on twitter and so should you.
This is me (@mon_o_gram).  This is Tara (@tee5isalive).  This is the blog (@blog_scuse_me).  Get on this bullshit!

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