Saturday, February 20, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 7 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

Hold on to your butts because this was the most boring episode this season.  First off, any girl with a personality is gone.  I'm sure these girls are great, but they are giving nothing to the camera.  Nothing except for tears, which is great for my fantasy team, but there are other ways to get point, ladies.  I hate/love to say this... I miss Olivia.  

This week we take a trip to Ben's Hometown (Warsaw, Indiana), where you fill your days with playing basketball and flying kites.  It's a simpler place.

Ben drives through Warsaw in a Chevy pickup and yells "Good to see ya!" at an imaginary old friend.  He meets his parents at a diner (where the waitresses are probably named Edna and Mavis and call the customers "sugar") and provides stats on the dull remaining women.

I will admit I find this town precious as hell, and a refreshing change from Chris Soules' hometown, which can be summed up as:

First Date:  One on one with Lauren B.  (everyone's favorite flight attendant)

They visit the community's children and Ben finds a rogue crying five-year-old; instead of wasting time talking him through the pain, Ben drags him back on the court so he can get those knees up and ignore it.  Lauren B. tells the camera she's never seen anybody act like that with kids; Ben is going to make an "amazing dad".  Was a scene where Ben gets a child with PTSD to finally start talking again left on the cutting room floor? 

They visit the "local dive bar" to toast with his pals (anyone else notice Clark Kent sitting on Ben's left?).  Lauren B.'s apple cheeks glow with triumph as she realizes she's in love with the blandest person alive.

Second Date:  One on one with JoJo
For this date, they leave Indiana for the Windy City and hang out at Wrigley Field all day because I assume there is nothing else to do in Chicago.   JoJo shows up dressed like The Fonz and Ben's outfit looks like a storm cloud.

It's only 2 hours and 24 minutes without traffic assuming ABC sprung for tolls.  Do they spend the entire date walking back and forth on the field?  Oh wait, they do have an adorably staged kiss while poking their heads through the scoreboard.  
There are other things to do in Chicago that aren't as expensive and boring as spending all day in an empty stadium talking about your feelings.  They have this pizza where they put the sauce on top of the cheese and their hot dog buns have poppy seeds on them.  I know!  

Caila is panicking because Ben still insists on dating other women when she and her silken extensions are right here, desperate for a ring. 

Third Date:  A Three on Two on One with Becca, Amanda and Caila
What a day!  They get to row boats and fly kites.  Warsaw is pure magic.  At the end of the day, one lucky lady gets to work at a McDonald's Drive-Thru and then ride a bunch of carnival rides with stomach full of American garbage.

Is it just me or is this the second season where Becca gets dumped in a barn? (For people who didn't see the Chris Soules season, Becca gets dumped in a barn decorated for a proposal.  Video*)  
*Don't watch the video, it's boring.
Becca, the next time a guy asks you to enter a barn, just say no.  ABC Executives Life is trying to teach you a lesson.  

Becca is majorly pissed because she's really putting herself out there, man, and Ben is giving her NOTHING.  "Where do we go from here?" she asks the camera.  (The answer to that, of course, is "To a shot of Chris Harrison instructing you to leave").

Suddenly the episode is interrupted by a meandering Mickey D's commercial (oh, wait, it's part of Ben and Amanda's date).  I was waiting for Amanda to say, "Ben, I'm so happy I got the chance to relax with you over this delicious, fluffy egg and perfectly melted cheese sandwiched between crisp, golden brown English muffins. The only thing that would make this more special is a bold, piping hot McDonald's coffee."

Caila can't stop yammering about Ben's "community" and how she "doesn't have a community" and this might lead him to reject her.  Why would Caila want to marry someone who would reject her for not having a bunch of fake friends rounded up by the PAs?

Emily scores the one-on-one and bursts into tears of joy as Caila stares at her like this:

Fourth Date: One on one with Emily
Emily gets to meet the parents.
She shares her aspirations of being a NFL cheerleader and a young mom with Ben's mom.  This is followed by Emily telling Ben's dad that her likes include sitting around and watching movies all day.

Bye Emily, I'll probably see you or your sister on Bachelor in Paradise.

Caila describes Emily as a "bright-eyed puppy" and gets one hundred gold stars.

Ben's dad looks like he'd play the mayor in a Christopher Nolan film and Ben's mom is unimpressed with Emily to the point where she starts weeping like a douchebag.  Emily is a clueless marshmallow who means well and whoever Ben picks on this show is going to be divorced from him in a year, so cool your jets.

Ben dumps Emily because Mom hates her and she sobs like he got her in the femur with a crossbow.  Ben stands on the dock, overcome with emotion, and bizarrely fondles his nose and mouth.  If the movie Mars Attacks! was a person, it would be Ben.

Cocktail Party:
Bye Bye Becca.

What's going on with this collar?  Is there a name for this?  It looks like a straight line.  

Caila wraps herself in a black cape because she has no community and all is ashes.   I love that Becca acts nonplussed at getting dumped when she spent the episode whining about how Ben hates her. I feel The Beccarette coming on and I'm not amused.

Prediction: Next week he dumps all of them and brings back Laura aka Red Velvet. #bringbacklaura

But before the return of Red Velvet:  Amanda's kids are fuckwads, Caila's dad is Joel Grey, and JoJo's family hates the shit out of Ben.   In other words:

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