Friday, February 26, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 8 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange

Ha!  I just realized that if you're reading this in a feed reader you probably can't see the different colors or if you're colorblind.  Whoops.  

This week Ben visits the remaining girls in their hometowns and meets their family.  It's awkward, uncomfortable, pretty true to life.

We open on Ben sitting atop a beach boulder as he processes the whittling of contestants from twenty-eight to four . He's suddenly in extreme close-up, staring at the waves, and I can safely say I've never in the history of my reality TV love seen anyone wear such a dimwitted expression.  It's important to mention I sat through three seasons of Rock of Love.

Amanda's Hometown:  Laguna Beach
I get it now.  Our squeaky voiced single mother of two is from Laguna Beach.

Like this Laguna Beach?

Ben gets to meet the kids today.  I think this is the moment he realizes if he marries her, he would be their stepdad.  Their weird TV Bachelor stepdad.     
 Charlie refuses to high five Ben.  Probably because he's clearly going for handshake.  Let's not conflate these things, Ben.  You are not ready for a handshake.

Kinsley ends up being super charming, the yin to Charlie's emotionally vacant yang. (Trivia:  Kinsley is six months older than Caila.)
Since this is the first hometown, I'm pretty sure Ben has convinced himself he could make this work if the next three hometowns are awful, which they are but apparently not as bad as a tearful child.

Here's a question:  Why is Amanda's dad's only example of sacrifices you have to make when you have children not being able to go to the gym with your friends?   Seriously?  Because I've been looking for excuses NOT to go to the gym.  
When Ben is sitting outside with Amanda's mom, clutching his emergency merlot and swatting at gnats, it's clear he's checked out of his relationship with Amanda.  But he still has to sit through his interrogation with Amanda's gently skeptical dad and the bedtime story reading with Kinsley and Charlie ("Once upon a time in Los Angeles, a boy named Ben...").  I would bet one million dollars Chris Harrison wrote that story, and the as-yet-unveiled ending is "And Ben and Lauren B. annulled their marriage after four months and Ben joined the 2017 cast of Celebrity Apprentice and got fired after two episodes".

Lauren B.'s Hometown:  Portlandia

And no, they don't go on bike rides and get tattoos...

The best part of this day is that Portland has a Whisk(e)y Library
Oh yeah and Lauren's dad calls her Baby Lo Lo.  Best nickname!  
Lauren B. and Ben eat lunch at Portland's food trucks:
Then Lauren B. frets to the camera because she can't move forward with Ben if her family doesn't like him.  She's got a challenge ahead of her, considering it's time to haul out the Mean Skeptical Sister Bachelor trope (saucer-eyed Mollie).  Mollie asks Ben what makes Lauren B. stand out to him and he responds by crying, which oddly makes Mollie give Lauren B. and Ben her blessing instead of laughing derisively in Ben's face.

Baby Lo Lo's dad wears a Mr. Rogers sweater and is smug as fuck and I appreciate both things.  It's apparent he doesn't think his daughter's relationship with Ben has a chance in hell and can't wait for her to return home and re-activate her Match account.
Caila's Hometown:  Hudson, OH  (not sure if there is a TV show here guys, sorry)

Caila and Ben sit on a bench together and then go to her dad's toy factory to build a house.  I think she might be boring enough to be a female Ben, which is to say she's probably the next bachelorette.  I've been saying it for weeks folks.  I'm not giving up on this. 
Caila has a whale of a time building the toy house with Ben because she gets to keep it.  Because, you know, she's three. *rimshot*
Caila's dad is the adult version of Derek from Full House:
He tells Ben he's in the "most magical marriage ever" and wins the Ostentatious Cornball Award.  Then he grills Caila about the integrity of her relationship with Ben and she starts weeping and squeaking while he struggles to not roll his eyes.  He's got the emergency pinot noir and the precise Justin Timberlake ramen noodle hair, and he will take no emotional horseshit tonight.
Caila's mom (who's rocking a fun "80s aerobics instructor" up-do) asks Ben if he's ever met Filipinos before and he chillingly replies, "Uh, no! I don't think so!" 

JoJo's Hometown:  Dallas, TX
I hate to even mention the flowers JoJo finds on her doorstep with a long letter sent from her ex-bf "Chad" because it seems like production manipulated this situation.   Blah, blah, blah.

Most importantly, let's talk about JoJo's mom.  Firstly, she says to JoJo, "You're not gonna get hurt, you're beautiful."  Second, she should have her own show on HGTV because she knows how to decorate a ridiculous house.
 That said, I'm hoping painting like this are all over the house.

JoJo's dad looks a lot like this guy...

JoJo's mom reins it in.

JoJo's wearing those open-toed suede booties again!  NOOOOO......
JoJo's family rises about the stiff competition and wins for Most Ghoulish.  This hometown visit was like a Tales from the Crypt episode written by Abby Kohn and Marc Silverstein.  Her brothers are sneering gargoyles with a slimy, Freudian attachment to JoJo.  Her mother rocks twelve gallons of lip fillers and a bad Beverly Hills nose job and blows huge plumes of smoke up JoJo's ass.  Her dad is a prune-faced glass of flat Fresca who looks like he'd get arrested for insider trading.
Brother Matt, the more constipated of the two brothers, insists that JoJo keep her heart guarded and that Ben is "not as emotionally invested" as she is.  In other words, "Never date again because my Genetic Sexual Attraction will force me to commit murder otherwise".   The two brothers accuse Ben of getting coached to feed them platitudes (hilarious) and of wearing a "poker face" (inaccurate:  That's Ben's "moron face").
Brother Ben was on a reality dating show!!  Now his cynicism makes even more sense.
Cocktail Party:
First off, at the end of each of these hometown visits not one lady said she loved Ben.  According to twitter, not a good sign.

Ben sends Amanda home because apparently he really likes going to the gym.  
I guess becoming an insta-dad is a scarier thought to Ben than getting poisoned by the in-laws at Thanksgiving.  He takes another opportunity to weep like a turd after Amanda's limo takes off.
Credits treat:  Ben talks with Lauren B.'s invasive Stepford Child brothers about the Fantasy Suite. PASS THE MERLOT!
Join us next week as everyone confesses their love for each other and cries in sunny Jamaica!  If somebody says "mon", I'm going to put a hammer through my television.

No comments:

Post a Comment