Sunday, February 14, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 6 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange
My DVR guide describes this episode as "The two-on-one date leaves one woman traumatized."  My response:
Rose Ceremony:
Ben pulls capering demon Olivia aside and asks her why the other women hate her so much.  Olivia says they alienate her for being "different" - she likes "reading books" while the other ladies like "painting their nails" and "doing each other's hair" (I'm going to add "brushing their teeth").  She starts fake crying so Ben will let her stick around. 


Olivia, you seem to forget that last week you were on camera doing your nails.  Tara seems to think she meant the ladies were doing each others nails, but I think Olivia's full of shit. 

Ben announces he "appreciates every one" of the ladies (all of whom are fuming except Olivia) while his hair sits gingerly on his head like a damp toupee.   Can we get a surprise appearance by Huey to lighten the mood?

Jennifer gets the heave-ho because she's boring and Ben tells her, "You're gonna make somebody...very happy."  (The last part of that statement, "Your mom, when you spend the rest of your bitter life splitting the mortgage with her in a one-bedroom condo", was removed in editing.)  Actual screenshot of Olivia enjoying her celebratory flute of champagne:

Group Destination:  The Bahamas!!  VIVA LA BAHAMAAAS
The ever-resplendent Chris Harrison visits the ladies as they sip mimosas in the hotel suite.  Becca, who's been looking very gassy, presents the one-on-one date card to Caila shortly before Ben emerges from the shadows with half his shirt unbuttoned.  Ben, you are not Burt Reynolds and therefore I beg you to stop the shirt fuckery.
One-on-One with Caila: Boats McGotes
Caila and Ben go fishing with a rod that's attached to her hips as Leah sobs in a frustration.  She lives TEN MINUTES from Ben in the dull universe that exists outside the show.  They could have met IN A BAR, for crying out loud.  She was picked for The Bachelor literally by Magical Santa Claus Jesus and Ben's not exploring this miracle with her.  (Dear ABC, stop trying to manipulate my feels with clips of Leah sobbing while Ben and Caila are having the time of their lives Sandals-style.)  Instead, he's wasting his time with perky bubbly Caila.  Caila refuses to get serious and vulnerable in front of Ben for reasons unclear even to her; but she suspects the problem is that she's incapable of romantic love.  Sounds too good to be true, if you ask me.   At first Ben wants to throw her off the show right then and there but ends up telling the camera he finds it "attractive that [Caila] can be confusing".  This confuses ME, because if Ben should be used to anything, it's getting confused.  Stoplights, crescent moons, and microwave ovens confuse Ben.  I guess he's constantly horny. 
Their "dinner" conversation is a delightful train wreck.  Caila is telling Ben that she doesn't want to cry in front of him, who knows how that conversation got started, and the longer she talks the more confused Ben looks.  She somehow saves herself by saying she feels "understood" by Ben when he has absolutely no idea what she's talking about.
Group Date: Becca, Lauren H., Amanda, Lauren B., JoJo, Leah
Becca is afraid of getting mauled by a shark, but should probably be more concerned about the possibility Ben is taking them to Isla Sorna.  Suddenly....

YAYYYY ACQUATIC PIG ATTACK!!  Becca didn't realize she was scared of pigs until this moment.  I didn't realize my ideal vacation is to be surrounded by all-up-in-your-business pigs in the Atlantic until this moment.
Once the pigs get bored, Leah starts crying again because she's a "group date groupie".  The delicious irony is her obsessive concern over Ben "not giving [her] a chance" is probably going to get her kicked out rather than any tag-along status. Shit gets awkward with everyone on this date.  It was as if everyone had just realized they were on the Bachelor.
After the awkward beach frolicking, Ben visits the ruminating ladies while wearing a ribbed shirt with two buttons undone and asks, "Can I sit down somewhere?" as he sits down on the sofa.  Can we get Chris Soules back or something?  Ben and his vanilla bravado and prickliness remind me more of  Justin Bieber all the time.  
Ben gives helium-voiced Amanda a rose and Lauren B. is so devastated her hair transforms into a windswept top-of-the-head bun.  Leah is on the creep trying to be the next Olivia and Ben shows how much this impresses him by throwing her out.


 Lauren H. didn't get the memo about the cut-off jeans.  Coincidentally, she got sent home this week. 
AND THAT'S WHY YOU ALWAYS READ THE MEMOS.
Two-on-One Date:  Asshole vs. The Twin
Olivia and Emily travel to a distant shore with Ben while there's a hurricane a-brewin'.   Olivia shows Ben how much she loves him by telling him she's grounded, intimidating, smart, strong, intellectual, and I think she said the Beatles wrote the White Album for her.  
Finally, FINALLY, Olivia goes home.  She fake sobs as Ben and Emily leave her to die on Skull Island.

Ben poses awkwardly on a wall and then cancels the cocktail party because he's a cranky bitch.  Why didn't Chris Harrison just hang out with the ladies and camera crew for a couple of hours and get loaded? 
Rose Ceremony: 
Ben's buttons are undone as usual and his bangs are fluffed.
JoJo panics because she realizes she's pretty dull but she ends up with a rose.  Becca's dress looks like it was cut from a mattress cover so she gets one too.   Lauren H. gets the axe and does one of the season's best ugly cries in the back of the limo.  See you on Bachelor in Paradise, pal!
Credits Treat:  This flies into the house and wackiness ensues:
Posted by Tara at 9:35 PM 0 comments
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Thursday, February 4, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 5 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange
Blah, Blah, The Right Reasons, Blah

 Next Destination:  Mexico City, the romance capital of Mexico City

 Interesting tidbit:  Olivia has a bidet.  She's only 23 year old and she's clearly doing better than me.  If you want to cheer me up, please bidon't.

 First Date:  One on one date with Amanda

Olivia is surprised to hear that Miss Teen Mom Forty Tons of Baggage Used Goods Children-Having Amanda caught Ben's attention to this degree. 


Date Activity:  Hot Air Balloon Ride.  Exciting romantic adventure?  Check.  Nicely packed picnic?  With food that they presumably never consume?  Check and check.  Champagne?  Obviously.  I'd call this a date if it wasn't for the lack of Jacuzzi.  How can you really get to know someone unless you're surrounded by warm bubbly water.  


 To start out this "date", Ben gives the girls a wake up call at 4:30 am.  All the girls are a little embarrassed, not expecting this visit, no one is dressed up or wearing makeup, one girl has zit cream on and another is wearing a retainer.  All the girls except for Amanda, that is.  She has full makeup on, wakes up looking like she slept on a cloud.  This reminds me of Britt during Chris Soules season, she also woke up in the middle of the night with makeup on and if I remember correctly, she explain that she took it off every night and immediately puts it on before she sleeps.  That explanation has bothered me ever since.  First off, is it bad to sleep with your makeup on?  Yes.  Secondly, that means Britt has never seen her actual face.  (Wait, was Britt's date also a hot air balloon?)
Here's my theory:  Since the girl going on the date would need to pack her bags before leaving for the date in case she gets sent home, someone in production has to tell her that bag needs to be packed before she goes to bed.  So does she jump to the conclusion that there may be an early wake up call with the bachelor or did they explicitly tell her?  And either way why didn't she share this with the other girls?  Or were they like "you're crazy, Ben doesn't wake up early, he's a software salesmen."?  Either way, what were you thinking, you want the man you are trying to marry think you naturally wake up with brown sparkly eyelids.  That's going to be so hard to maintain.
 Ben sprawls on the picnic grass with Amanda and tells her that he, "like, just wants to see what it's like being around" her.  There's an almost palpable specificity when Ben talks and I admire that.  Amanda mentions that she doesn't want to "scare" Ben away with her children and whatnot; I think if anything scares him away it'll be those absolutely heinous opened-toed suede booties.

Ben presents Amanda with a rose and at this point has shown the world he loves the word "incredible" as much as Chris Soules did.  He makes it clear her life doesn't scare him; he can definitely imagine a future with her and the kiddies.  Here's the kind of dad I expect Ben to be:




Second Date:  Group Date with Jubliee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah, and Olivia

Lauren H. is so excited to get excluded from the group date (and therefore picked for a one-on-one)  she almost sloshes cabernet all over the sofa.  Olivia continues to sulk and tells the camera she doesn't want Ben anymore; she NEEDS him.  I feel literally nineteen thousand "can I steal you"s coming on!

 Date Activity:  After a Spanish language class where they learn bachelor-esque phrases in Spanish like "I want to kiss you" and "I'm falling in love with you," the girls get recipes written in Spanish to create classic Mexican dishes.  

Emily claims that on a scale of one to ten, her Spanish-speaking skills are at a negative ten.  So are her math skills, I guess.

 The girls have to break up into pairs to make these dishes.  With nine girls, someone gets Ben on their team.  Jubilee and Olivia fight over Ben, if you call an awkward staring and silence, fighting.  Olivia wins because her and Ben have a secret love language (which she tells the camera as she sits there looking like she noshed a few Quaaludes).

Olivia flaunting her knowledge of Spanish and forcing herself on Ben in cooking class conjures this image:



The topic of Olivia's bad breath comes up again just as Ben is force feeding her a pile of mint. 

I am 120,000% convinced Ben got a compensation increase for letting the producers keep Olivia on the show for so long.  She is wild as a rabid badger and her mouth "smells like shit", according to Emily (as much as she hates Olivia, I can't see her fabricating such a thing - wouldn't she just run with the fat toes and sociopathic behavior?). There is no way in hell Ben sees any potential in Margot Robbie on K2 at this point.


Ben kicks Jubilee out the door because she's too insecure for him.   Jubilee sobs and declares herself "the most unlovable person in the world".  Wait...is America months away from seeing the first black woman become Bachelorette???  Genuinely curious and excited.  But the media is racist as fuck so it will probably be Amanda.

Olivia gets a rose from Ben, causing Emily's platinum extensions to ignite with rage.  While Olivia accepts her rose and shoves fruit kabobs in her mouth she's dressed like the Predator for some reason.

Third Date:  One on one date with Lauren H.

 Date Activity:  Fashion Show in Mexico City where Ben and Lauren H. get to be models.  This is followed by a fake dinner and guy on the street with a harp (close enough to a private concert).  

 I was so excited about Lauren H. last week and this week not a single one-liner.  What?  You get a one-on-one date and all of the sudden you're taking this seriously.  We had something, Lauren.  

Lauren H. shows up for the date wearing a top that's a belly shirt but also a mini-dress.  Olivia isn't threatened by this or any other awesome Lauren H. facet because she's too busy painting her nails and sleeping on two beds at the same time.

LH managed to walk the runway without puking on it, but she looked on the verge of laughter almost the whole time, which I suppose isn't the desired "fashion model" expression.  Olivia's typical expression is more suitable:


Ben likes LH because she "really says what's on [her] heart".  The George W. score is touching the sun at this point.

Cocktail Party:  

 Olivia makes a comment about Amanda's life being like Teen Mom, that TV show that follows teen moms.  That was clearly a line she should not have crossed.  Emily responds to this by telling Ben the truth about Olivia.  Ben puts on his detective cap and questions the rest of the girls at the cocktail party to uncover who the real Olivia is.

Can't wait for next week, when he deduces she's a total piece of shit and keeps her on the show!   By the way, instead of Bachelor Live can we just watch Emily do different kinds of shots for half an hour?

Now more importantly, I think I might be falling in love with Fake Juan Pablo.
Oh and Ben Higgins MOLES (@benhigginsmole) are following me on twitter and so should you.
This is me (@mon_o_gram).  This is Tara (@tee5isalive).  This is the blog (@blog_scuse_me).  Get on this bullshit!

Posted by Unknown at 9:40 PM 0 comments
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Sunday, January 31, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 4 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange
We write stuff about the episode and other stuff that concerns us and post it maybe before the next one airs.


This week they finally leave the mansion for Las Vegas.  The marriage capital of the world and Ben is excited because this is a place where people do find love or make the biggest little mistake of their lives.  Oh wait, that's Reno. 
 


Olivia sits around in the morning wearing a lumberjack shirt and never closing her mouth before Lord and Master Chris Harrison appears to make the Vegas announcement.  "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I can't handle this right now!" gushes Olivia (here's an actual screengrab):

 

First Date:  One on one with JoJo

 Date Activity: Helicopter Ride... then fireworks on the roof

 I'm not quite clear on what this date entailed.  They had champagne on the roof while waiting for the helicopter, the helicopter comes and all that gets blown away, they fly around, have a quiet chat and watch fireworks on a rooftop.  No fake dinner?  No jacuzzi?  No private concert?
When I found out the date card read, "You set my heart on fire" I hoped in vain that JoJo and Ben would go to an abandoned warehouse and re-enact scenes from Backdraft.  Instead JoJo almost gets knocked over by a table while Amber drinks coffee and Olivia mopes. And then Ben tells JoJo that when he's with her he's "like, you know, in that moment where, like, nothing else matters".  I am literally witnessing Ben's brain cells die as he stares at his dates.  JoJo likes Ben because apparently dudes who ignore the top two buttons of their dress shirts make her feel safe.

Second Date: Group Date with Amanda, Jubilee, Amber, Leah, Haley, Emily, Caila, Lauren B., Lauren H., Olivia, Jennifer, Rachel

Leah does a heinous ponytail whip when her name gets announced for the group date.



Date Activity: Talent Show opening for a "comedian" that uses "puppets"

The gang walking in on Terry Fator's yodeling companion was unequivocally terrifying. Still one million times better than Jeff Dunham.  But then....


DEAR OBAMA BEFORE YOU EXIT THE WHITE HOUSE PLEASE CANCEL ABC THANK YOU



 I'd like to take a moment to talk about Lauren H.  Back in week 2 she commented on a girl's apple bobbing skills, "Jackie is not good with her mouth, unfortunately."  Week 3 she comments that she has "zero ball handling skills."  This week she's talking about nipple tassels and kissing little Ben.
She needs to do more commentary and I can't wait to see her on Bachelor in Paradise.  What I'm saying is I really want her to be the Tanner of this season.

 Back to the date, they gloss over everyone's talents to highlight Olivia as she half-asses/quarter-asses her way through a improvisational burlesque routine.  Afterwards she runs into a Boyz II Men dressing room to have a panic attack.  

Apparently her and Ben's "bam...sha-bam" couldn't save her from being a graceless dope.  I have to give her credit for being self-aware enough to know that Ben was underwhelmed and gave her the dreaded "pity hug".

During the evening portion of this date all I could think of was this sketch from last weekend's Saturday Night Live.
"I'm blue eyes, brown hair, and grey shirt."


Calia and Ben make out like drunk college freshmen and Ben calls her a "sex panther" to the camera.   A couple of weeks ago I compared Ben to George Bush.  I take that back, because he's George W. Bush.


Olivia ropes Ben in for a heart-to-heart in light of her shitty dance number and Ben gapes at her with barely muted disgust, like he used to do with Lace.   Then he tries to have a conversation with Emily about her leaving her dog behind to look for fake love on a reality show, and Olivia comes bee-bopping out of the shadows for yet another one-on-one.  Ben's liver audibly clenches with rage as Emily strolls off with a line usually reserved for dudes I have a crush on who aren't interested:  "Have a good one!"

Third Date: One on One with Becca

 Date Activity:  Becca assists Ben as he officiates several wedding... it's about as lame as it sounds.  Then they drive to the Neon Museum which is not lame at all.  Yet again, no fake dinner?

 Did nobody tell Ben to tuck in his goddamn shirt while he's officiating real people's weddings?    
The first groom, Travis, looks like the young version of the husband in Grant Wood's American Gothic.  The bride, Leah, has trippy shoulder tats and looks like Lauren H.'s older sister.  Becca looks like a Duggar daughter in her flowy white thing as she watches a bespectacled kid give his new wife the most forced, awkward kiss since Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley stupefied the audience at the '94 MTV Video Music Awards.

Who else noticed that when Ben told the camera, "all the questions I wanna know about Becca...I wanna know 'em tonight", his eyes went like this:


The power of Christ compels Ben.

Fourth Date: Two on one with the Twins

 Date Activity: Going to the Twin childhood home to dump one of them in front of their mom.

DoxiesdoxiesDOXIESdoxiesDOXIES

Emily sprawls on her bed with Ben and throws her sister under the bus for "not really making a connection" with Ben as the twins' mom wears a horrendous peasant top and sits under a mountain of doxies.

At least Hayley doesn't have to pack while crying and take the limo ride of shame away from the hotel.  She can walk right into her room and blast Taylor Swift.



Cocktail Party:

Olivia steals Ben again. Again.  At this point Ben is looking at her like she's the human version of syphilis and she is in a state of feverish delusion, telling JoJo that Ben is falling in love with her.

Jerry Bruckheimer film music plays as the girls gather at the chopping block.

Ironically, Amber is one of the last people I want to go home, because her hatred for Olivia is actually making her interesting. Miracles don't only happen at Christmas.

Aaaand Amber goes home because he once again chooses Olivia. 

Join us next week as.....
   


Posted by Unknown at 2:55 AM 0 comments
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Sunday, January 24, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 3 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange
You know the drill.

Show opens with Lauren B. and Amanda complaining about Olivia.  Foreshadowing perhaps to an episode chock full of women behaving badly toward other women.  

I would kill to see Olivia's alleged $40,000 collection of clothes.

Chris Harrison shows up at the mansion to see how everyone is enjoying their complimentary copy of The Perfect Letter and to drop off the date card.  He feels a "heaviness" in the room, a real bummer type of energy, man.  I don't know what he was expecting considering Huey is no longer in the mansion.

First Date:  
One-on-one with Lauren B. Calia is extremely disappointed that she's not the one to go out with Ben, especially because he's wearing powder blue.  I suspect she has progressive parents and they decorated her nursery in powder blue instead of pink, when she was a fetus literally 3.5 years ago.  Sorry, the watered-down Statler and Waldorf bits about Calia's age are probably going to keep coming.

Date Activity:
Ben takes the flight attendant on a biplane ride so that they can fly over the bachelor mansion and make out.  There is nothing weird about that. Lauren B. says the high-flying adventure makes her "nervous, but, it's also, like, relaxing".  What a delightful paradox! The left-behind ladies watch the plane soaring over the mansion and Emily the Twin says "that totally could OF been me".  She actually puts stress on "of" to hammer down that she fails at grammar.  Then in classic bachelor fashion they stumble on a hot tub in the middle of nowhere.  Still nothing weird. Love the camera zooming in on JACUZZI.  Ben and Lauren B. are relaxing in a genuine JA-COO-ZEE, everyone.  I was imagining the contract between Jacuzzi and ABC committing ABC to lingering on the label for a period of no less than 3 seconds and wishing I had drafted it.    And then a surprise private concert from a band no one has heard of.   Ben gets two gold stars for saying generic country singer Lucy Angel's name as if he's introducing Taylor Swift.  He gets fifty gold stars for discussing his connection to her song: "I was listening to the lyrics about how, like....in a girl's arms, it changes me. And all I could think of... like, this girl right now is changing me".  Ben >>>>>Yeats.

 Classic bachelor date formula:  Convertible car ride + exciting activity + hot tubbing + private concert = The right reasons?  ...I almost had something.

 During this date, Ben says,"Will you accept my rose?"  Way to take ownership, Ben!  However, later in the episode he reverts back to "this rose" it was a refreshing chance of pace.

 Back at the mansion Caila provides a strong case for why she should be the next bachelorette. Agreed. She realizes - brace yourselves - THERE ARE OTHER WOMEN IN THE MANSION. WHO ARE INTERESTED IN BEN. AND SHE MAY NOT BE THE ONE TO MARRY HIM. WHAT IS OBAMA'S PHONE NUMBER BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS HELLFIRE.  In the midst of her devastation she unleashes one of the episode's best quotes:  "It's hard to have a heart when you know it could be broken".  Somebody call Carrie Underwood!

Second Date:
Group Date with Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Lauren H., Emily, Leah, Olivia, Jami, Lace, Shushanna, Amber, Rachel  Jami's "I have a date" victory song is the stuff of dreams.

Date Activity:
Learn how to play soccer in Los Angeles Coliseum.  How is it possible that not one of these girls has ever played soccer? What about gym class?  Field Day? A neighbor's backyard?  It never came up?  

Jubilee tearfully venting about Ben having a "type" is a revelation that Ben is a smiling simpleton who likes fellow smiling simpletons; it's a shame she doesn't have an epiphany and follow LB out the door.

Chris Harrison pops in again with a twist.  They have to divide into two team and only the winning team gets to go to the after party... so it's a fight to the death.  Well, people get hurt.  Amber stops evaporating into the foliage for a second to score the winning goal.  Rachel, I don't know, dies or breaks her leg or something. Olivia makes Cheshire Cat faces at the camera and continues to be a  douchebag.

 Some Colorful Observations:
Date 1: Ben wears a baby blue shirt
Date 2: Ben wears a primary blue shirt
And randomly Olivia matches the date 2 day time primary blue shirt with her date 2 night time dress.  Luckily Ben had changed into a grey sweater by then, but it's probably because they have a secret language.

 Lace does not get enough screen time during this date and I'm not happy about it.  I believe Lace is the only one we can count on to fight the good fight against Olivia and her alleged non-cute toes and disgusting breath.  Amber is showing glimmers of emerging from her oatmeal cocoon and taking a few swings at Olivia, but at the moment she's harnessing all her energy to demonize Jubilee.

Third Date: 
One-on-one with Jubilee

 Date Activity:
Helicopter ride to Cal-a-vie Health Spa

Ben looks at Jubilee like she has three heads when she says she loves hot dogs.  Ben is more a "caviar and upsetting haircut" type of guy.  Four actual gold stars to Jubilee for calling out Ben on his phony laugh, which he should have seen coming considering the only funny person in the mansion is Lace, who Ben looks at like she's a vomit stain.

Jubilee tells Ben that her entire family was killed and his response is, "Do you understand what you have done in life...to bring you here?"   Um, what?  She tells him her ENTIRE FAMILY IS DEAD and he tries to assure her by reminding her that she was picked to compete on a reality show with a bunch of stiff Abercrombie models who know only twenty words of the language they were raised speaking?  *cartoonish shrug* 

Lauren H. telling the camera why Ben will not choose Jubilee, as well as her use of "literally insane", is all the evidence I need that she's a Wonder Bread asshole. 

Cocktail Party: 

Ben strolls in and announces that two people very close to him died, who were "pillars of the community".  Olivia responds by pulling Ben aside and tearfully whining about her cankles. It was, to be frank, the best moment in the history of media.  Then he gets an impromptu "grieving process massage" from Jubilee and everyone is fit to be tied.

Lace asks Ben if she can "steal him for a second" and he says "sure" and looks like he's getting dragged by his veins Nightmare on Elm Street 2-style into the pits of Hell.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS ON BACHELOR LIVE OH MY GOD WHAT MY HUSBAND

Aaaand Lace voluntarily leaves.  Ben could not care any less.  Like, ANY less.  Fuck.

Ben ambles back into the rose ceremony and tells the remaining ladies he's feeling things he's never felt before, which is disturbingly vague.

Jami gets "blindsided" by Ben throwing her out and tearfully announces to the camera she's going to start "adopting cats now".  Jami, you are 23 years old.  Take a breather, practice some self-care, and remind yourself that you have 7 solid years before society starts getting on your case about being single.

According to the teaser, Olivia has some kind of breakdown next week - I'm sure it will be exquisitely hor-BEN-dous!!
Posted by Unknown at 11:31 AM 0 comments
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Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 2 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

Monica - blue
Tara - orange
You know the drill.

First off, let's talk about the ads for the show playing The Weather Girls - It's Raining Men.  What's that about?  Men?  There is literally one man and 20-something girls.  Please stop, save it for the Bachelorette or even Bachelor in Paradise.  Unless you intend on letting it rain men and let these women have more than one option, I call bullshit.  

 #BringBackLaura
I'm not giving up on you, Laura!!!!

 Potable Quotables:
"Ben is the greatest Bachelor on the planet of history."  - One of the Twins, not sure which one, but I hear one of them is going to break their thumb.  Hopefully that thumb is in every shot.

 "If you had a list, he checks off every single list." -Jo Jo

 "I came here to find Ben as a husband." - Lace

 "Can I tell you one picture?" - Lace

 Let's get into this episode:
Show opens to Ben putting on his pants on because we needed to confirm that Jami, the Canadian, wasn't lying about his big heart.  He also meticulously adjusted his smushed mop hair and looked thoughtfully out a window.  I believe with all my heart that Chris Harrison scripts these scenes.

First Date:
Group Date w/ Jackie (Saves the Date card), LB, Lauren H. (Dead Bouquet/Kindercop), Becca, Amber, Mandi (Dentist), Jo Jo (Unicorn Girl), Jubilee (our favorite X-man/vampire), Jennifer, Lace (The Girl You Wish You Didn't Start A Conversation w/ at the Party)

 Date Activity:  Going back to School to become homecoming queen or like if you fast forward Mean Girls and removed all the jokes. To the surprise of no one, Chris Harrison appears in a clichéd "professor" getup and makes morning announcements from his fake office like he's filming Grease 3.

Jubilee and Lace, shortest lived and cutest couple.  I think those two can work it out.  I see them being good friends on Bachelor in Paradise.

 Science Class:  "Make Ben's Volcano Explode" with love, trust, and communication

 LUNCH CLASS!!!!  Bobbing for apples.  I didn't have this class, I pretty sure I would have been great at it. 

 Geography:  Find Indiana, place it on a map of the United States.  Becca barreled into the room looking confused, as if already in the throes of fucking up this activity.  

 Gym Class:  Make a free throw.

 And then race toward a banner and presto, you're a homecoming queen.  Mandi was so determined to beat Unflavored Yogurt aka Amber that she got roughly six feet of air over the hurdles; it was breathtaking.

That evening even though Lace didn't get to make out with Ben, he did make out Jennifer (I keep forgetting she exists), JoJo, and Jubilee.
Alas, giving his rose to his bubbly poly-amorous unicorn dream girl, JoJo.  This elicited stink eye from both Jubilee and Lace, yet again proving there is a friendship brewing there!

Lace is literally Sean Young in both appearance and attitude. I'm not surprised she's a real estate agent; I'm sure she has access to a ton of properties on which to dispose of bodies.

While the first crop of lucky ladies is reliving their high school days (which, for most if not all of them, ended about six months ago) a new date card is delivered to the mansion.  Olivia makes terrifying "excited" faces and morphs into Cameron Diaz on bath salts, then is crestfallen when the date goes to Caila, who makes Ariana Grande look forty-eight years old.

Second Date:
One on one with Caila
She was promised a "Day of Surprises," instead she got a Day of Cross-promoting Ride Along 2.  #ridealong2 She gets to spend the day with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube...and Ben tags along.  

I was STUNNED that Ride Along 2 is from Universal Studios, COMPETITOR to Walt Disney Studios!!  My happiness was short-lived when I realized the ubiquitous Kevin Hart was going to, as Ice Cube put it, "steal the show".  I was already in the early stages of Kevin Hart fatigue.  That being said, I'd take a special 8-hour long episode of The Bachelor featuring no one but Kevin Hart over a five-minute appearance by Dane Cook.

Kevin Hart mentions fried chicken in a crock pot.  That's a thing!!!  Have I been so far up my own vegan/whole food ass I didn't realize you could fried things in a crock pot? 

  Hot Tub Store date...genius!

I am shocked (and, admittedly, disappointed) that Chris Harrison didn't show up in Bermuda shorts with Huey and an armful of inflatable tub toys.

Ben looked like he was in the white-hot grip of homophobic panic when Kevin Hart emerged from the hot tube nude.

They continue on their date with dinner at the smallest table ever and stumble into a venue with hanging candles and Amos Lee playing to an empty room.  What are the odds?

For the record, I detest Amos Lee's cover of "Sweet Pea".  I cackled when Ben said "This is my favorite song...like, of all time."  If Chris Soules was the John McCain of the Bachelor, Ben is the George Bush.  Also, this version is from a 2006 album, which means it was released five years before Caila was born.

Third Date:
Group Date with the Twins, Shushanna (XUXA), Sam (Passed the Bar), Amanda, Olivia 

 Their date starts out like this:



On this date, Ben is going to let "Data" lead him to the right woman.

This whole date has Shushanna trying to remember the last time she ate cabbage.  Poor Girl.  Don't be ashamed to eat vegetables!!!!

Ben tells Sam she smells sour, Amanda he's not afraid of her daughters, and gives another rose to Olivia.
 
Favorite scenes: 
 
One of the Twins saying, with a grimace, "I'm not very smart".  
 
The smell test ("She's like a giant raspberry").  We have hit rock bottom, guys.  We're beneath Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars here. 
 
Olivia trash-talking to the camera about Sam getting the lowest compatibility score.  Yes, Sam, you should be devastated and pack those bags because you were given a 2.9 by a doctor who's probably only licensed in Arkansas.

Cocktail Party:
Props to Lace for pulling Olivia aside and being like "Stop eating up all of Ben's time."  

 Wait, I should start this with why Lace won me over tonight.  I've totally been in the same situation where I've said something stupid to a guy and then the next chance I get I tell him I used to have double bangs.  I don't even know what double bangs are.  Lace, stop calling yourself "crazy."  You've been put in an abnormal situation and you're fighting to survive while half of them are just angling to be the next bachelorette.  You've made Tara 210 points in the first two episodes and I am still rooting you.  So glad you got a rose tonight!  Also, don't be so angry when girls interrupt you and Ben, I think it's been saving you from making things worse.

Lace finally showing some vulnerability while Ben looked at her with thinly veiled contempt was painful.  At this point, Ben and Olivia deserve each other.  Ben can smile at her all day with empty eyes while she chomps at the air around him like a Cenobite.

It finally dawned on me that Jennifer looks like Maya Rudolph. 

Ben showed Lauren B. how much he cared by giving her a candid photo of them from the prior episode, which I guess the KGB delivered to Chris Harrison.  Just kidding - Chris Harrison is IN the KGB.

LB ran for the hills of Oklahoma because she knew she didn't have long-term potential.  Smart move. Don't wait to stand in a barn getting told this just isn't going to work while Olivia lurks in the background with a scythe.

Amber got the final rose because the producers didn't want her to look like an idiot for trying this Bachelor stuff again and getting the heave-ho one minute in. 

MANDI NOOOOOOOOOO!!  They didn't even show her exit interview???  And I knew Sam was going to leave because of the weird smell thing.  There's no coming back from that.  Poor Sam - may she and her Lamb Chop eyelashes grace Bachelor in Paradise.


Notable Tweetables:

Yeah, #molevibes is a thing! Congratulations, Ben H's mole!

Posted by Unknown at 10:45 PM 0 comments
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Sunday, January 10, 2016

Mega In-BEN-sity: Week 1 Recap

The Official blog 'scuse me? Bachelor Recap

We would like to interrupt our regularly scheduled radio silence to bring to you recaps of each Bachelor episode.  We usually save this for texts to each other while discussing how poorly my fantasy team is doing.  Tara got both twins this season, I'm doomed.  I had Shaun on my team for the Bachelorette and Tara still won.  Look it up, they're engaged.  For the rest of these posts, I will be writing in blue and Tara will be writing in orange.

**Needless to say, if you haven't watched episode 1, there are spoilers below.**

 Hashtags I came up with during the show, but will never use because I don't want to lose my 33 twitter followers (but if I can get to 66 followers, I'll totally start live tweeting @mon_o_gram *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*):
#smalltownvalues
#unlovable
#soinappropriate
#minihorsingaround
#fiftyshadesofcrazy
#mentalillnessisaseriousdiseasethataffectsmillionsofamericansandthewordcrazyshouldnotbethrownaroundwithoutacknowledgingthatsomepeoplemightfinditoffensive (this one might be too long)
#connection
#youngladies
#litterofbitches (I'd like to thank Diablo Cody for that one, that would be a great band name and if anyone needs a guitarist for Litter of Bitches, I'm available!)

 Since we're talking about tweets, here are some great ones I read during the show:




That last one has nothing to do with the show, I just thought it was funny.

**Can we take a break to talk about how good The Goldbergs is?  At the end of every episode, they show a real home video.  It all really happened or at least some of it.  That's crazy.**  Okay, back to the Bachelor.

Note to Ben:  It's called a pocket square for a reason.  Not a pocket triangle or pocket flare, it's a pocket SQUARE!  I know this is our first fight, I hope it doesn't affect our relationship. 

 Now let's get down to brass tacks, the ladies, the young ladies, the fine young cannibals (I mean ladies, sort of) with botox and fake tans in the order they arrived. 

 Lauren B - flight attendant, gave him wings

 Caila - The cute software salesman, who dumped her boyfriend to be on the show.  

Jennifer - Made a Ben and Jen reference... too soon. 

Jami - Canadian and on my fantasy team so I love her implicitly.  She's apparently friends with pre-Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe, who shared that Ben has a big, huge, gigantic di-HEART!  Boiiiiing!

Samantha - She passed the bar and has a sad story, so give her a rose.

 Jubilee - If Ben is going to have any chance of running for President, he should definitely consider marrying someone with a military background.  #BenHforPresident2024  

I am praying for Jubilee to crash into Lace's room on a tank at some point this season.

Amanda - occupation Esthetician

Lace - kissed Ben without his consent, not cool.  However, more importantly, and I'm not the only one, I was racking my brain trying to figure out why she seemed so familiar and then it clicked... she's the girl you wish you hadn't started a conversation with at a party... 

It's the first episode and Lace's villain routine is already tiresome as fuck.

Lauren R - internet stalker, never said her name, no rose.

She urged him to find her in the house because she had "something to show him", which I figured was a scrapbook bound in human skin filled with Ben Higgins magazine clippings. 

Shushanna - my mind immediately jumped to Xuxa (video), who is Brazilian not Russian, but I couldn't pass up an opportunity to share this video:



Leah - event planner from Denver, who did this:


Jo Jo - The young lady with the unicorn mask and special thanks to Diablo Cody for pointing out the popular use of the word unicorn.

Lauren H -  The one with the dried up old bouquet of flowers. 

She's a kindergarten teacher, so I guess she's used to people throwing trash at each other, but tossing Ben the withered bouquet from the wedding she'd gone to last week was a bizarre tactic.  

Laura - My favorite, red velvet, #bringbackredvelvet and I'm not the only one that feels that way.  Thanks, Jezebel.

I am soooo with Monica on this one.  Give Red Velvet everything - her own reality show, a couple of Irish setter puppies, a Truth About Cats and Dogs-style romantic comedy for millennials.

Mandi - The dentist (aka Dr. Giggles) whose bio says she might drink a little too much, hopefully she sticks around long enough to get me points because she's on my team.  I believe in you, Mandi, and your oversize rose hat.  

 The Twins - I refuse to learn their names until one of them is eliminated.

They CLEARLY take this whole thing way seriously.

Maegan - She has a mini-horse named Huey.  

I see a season full of awkward visual gags featuring Huey and Chris Harrison.  Steel yourselves.

Breanne - I'm sorry, but if a guy walked up to me with a picnic basket full of baguettes and started smashing them on the curb, I'd cry.  I'm carb sensitive.

Izzy - "You're the onesie for me," I'm stitching that into a throw pillow with a mini-horse and me high fiving right now.  

Rachel - Hoverboard Girl with the Chuck Taylors, 'nuff said.  
Jessica -  The accountant from Boca who kept the introduction nice and bland.  I needed that rest.

Tiara -  Chicken enthusiast.  The shot of Tiara looking pensively at framed photos of chickens was a more important television moment than the moon landing.  I was hoping she'd at least make it to Episode 3.

Lauren (LB) -  Also kept things gently blah and wore a cool fuchsia dress.

Jackie - She brought a "Save the date" card with her and Ben's name on it for March something, but in my notes I wrote Saves the Day, so fuck it!  Here's a Saves the Day video:



Olivia - Did a brief breathing exercise with Ben and made a joke about drawing on her dimple.  According to the sneak peek at the rest of the season, she blossoms into one of the series' classic Lying Deceptive Fake Lying Connivers.

Becca -  Staring into the barrel of Chris Soules' rejection cannon while standing in a drafty barn didn't make her lose hope, I guess.  Now she's after Ben, who's 8 years Chris's junior and doesn't laugh like the Joker on helium.

Amber -  Amber is the human equivalent of Bran Chex.  There's just nothing.  Bless her heart.
Ben's clearly dealing with the top tier of humanity, which is far more than he deserves considering this is his current position in "World's Most Lovable Men, 1920-Present":

 - Robin Thicke
- Hitler
- Ben Higgins

 He's a sensitive guy from the heartland with small-town values who just wants somebody to have nervous breakdowns at McDonald's with.  I admire his gumption considering the potential challenges ahead of him are limitless:  Chris Harrison Seacresting extra hard ("...a horse, a bachelorette, and a unicorn walk into a mansion..."), dental drill attacks, Lace's humorless rictus.

Ben delivering the inevitable "my wife could be in this room" speech while Huey stood placidly in the foreground was beautiful.

Dimplehead Olivia got the First Impression Rose because she quit being a news anchor, loves to travel, and looks Nordic.  Lace spent most of the episode creeping after Ben like Gollum and criticizing him for not making her feel special; of course she wasn't booted off because assholes equal ratings.  I'm wondering if later in the season she's going to share with Ben that she once had an affair with a married man named Sanderson Poe.  Seriously, we are four minutes into the season and he's already so pissed off at her nonsense that he's raising his voice.  I expect her to hang on like a cockroach, but of course she won't make it to the Final Three, so I'll sit here and fantasize about her inevitable exit.

Breanne, Izzy the Pajama Lady Who Never Had a Chance in Hell, Tiara Friend of Chickens, Laura, Maegan, Red Velvet (SOB!!), Lauren R, and Jessica got kicked out the door.   Breanne's sadness was so intense I was waiting for her sparkly belt to go dark.

This should be an exciting season.  There's frolicking under a rainbow, erotic massage, a panic attack, a black eye, and Ben's contemplation of something that would "ABSOLUTELY CHANGE EVERYTHING".   I'm sure there's also a date where Ben and fill-in-the-blank go to a private screening of a film produced by Walt Disney Pictures and promote the movie to the camera and make it like they totally came up with the glowing reviews on their own. 

Buckle your seatbelts - it's gonna be a BEN-py ride!!  LOLOLOL



Posted by Unknown at 5:11 PM 0 comments
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Friday, May 15, 2015

Cocktail and Dinosaurs: News and Libations for the Weekend of May 15, 2015

The posts that were intended to be weekly, but now struggle to be annual and yet still only focus on one week worth of news.  
(via The Horror of Truant!)
  • This week all the major broadcast TV networks have been announcing all their new shows as well as some cancelled shows.  Some of the cancellations are sad, others I wish had happened sooner {{cough}} Two and a Half Men {{cough}} Here are some highlights, but for a more comprehensive list go here:  
    • DC comics continues it's take over of CW programming by adding DC's Legends of Tomorrow, which will bring back Arrow's Sara Lance (played by Caity Lotz) as the White Canary.  (Here's the trailer.)  Rip Hunter, the Time Master, from East London and the future?  I'm not very familiar with DC comics, but that sounds very close to Time Lord, I'm getting a serious Doctor Who vibe here.  (I'm just saying if they all climb into a Police Box to travel through time, I'm calling bullshit on this show.)  DC, I'm watching you.
    • CW is also adding the show, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, which the second I heard the name I was all like 'How dare you call her crazy?,' but I watched this trailer here and it looks like it could potentially be a good show.  You know, if you into musicals and women being awkward, which I am.  
    • Supergirl, another DC character, is being added to CBS's schedule.   I got a little nervous at the beginning of the trailer that it might be a little Smallville meets The Devil Wears Prada.  We'll see.
    • CBS also has a Doc Dram (Doctor Drama) called Code Black, with Luis Guzman, so it will probably be great and a couple half hour comedies with no perceivable laugh track (Bravo, CBS!  Seriously), Life in Pieces and Angel from Hell.
    • ABC is bringing back The Muppets and Ken Jeong is getting his own show, Dr. Ken, where he plays a doctor.  Not too sure about Dr. Ken, since they open the trailer with a fat shaming joke.
    • FOX has Lucifer, another comic book inspired character from DC/Vertigo, which I'm really excited about, just watch the trailer, tell me if I'm crazy.  There is also a Minority Report show that takes place post Tom Cruise.  
    • NBC is bringing back Heroes with Heroes Reborn, Zack Morris finally comes back to NBC in People are Talking and is married to the Coach's girlfriend (New Girl reference).
  • Speaking of TV shows, Hannibal Season 3 starts June 4th.
  • Have you ever wonder what Snoop Dogg thought of Game of Thrones?  (via Jezebel)  Here's a link with a video that proves that Snoop was right and it is based on real life.
  • Disclaimer:  I'm a Jem girl.  Exciting adventure, fashion, and fame!  Once you're a Jem girl, you're never the same.  Come on!  I saw the trailer for the live action movie and I'm going to rant about it.  Keep in mind, I've only seen a 2 minute and 29 second trailer and all of my comments based on speculation. Alright, let's talk about Jem and the Holograms, "The Movie".  The first sign there was trouble, Christy Marx, the creator was shut out of having any involvement in the movie. (via Comics Alliance)   She didn't just create and write for Jem and the Holograms, she was also writer for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and G. I. Joe.  Yeah, that's right, two other pieces of my youth Hollywood is dead set on destroying.

    Let just talk about the trailer.  I'm excited to see Molly Ringwald and Juliette Lewis.  That's cool.  Where are the fucking Holograms?  Seriously, what make this any different from the plot of Hannah Montana.  It's like they found a script and appropriated it for Jem, except not enough because in 2 minutes and 29 seconds I don't see much of the source material coming through other than names and makeup.  Where is the awkward love triangle between Jem, Jerrica, and Rio?  Why doesn't Rio have purple hair?  Where are The Misfits?  There songs were better and they always had plots that involved putting orphans in danger.  Where are all the orphans?  Synergy is referenced, they did that much, but I can't imagine how they will work in "the ultimate audio/visual entertainment synthesizer" into a plot that looks like it focuses heavily on a group of teenage best friends torn apart by fame.  Let's just hope Zack Attack, I mean, Jem and the Holograms get back together in the end.  Where are the magical star shaped earring I always dreamed of having?  Where's fucking Synergy?

    I could be 100% wrong about this, it could just be the way they edited the trailer.  This trailer does NOT look truly outrageous.
  • Wow! (via Owen Wilson or Owenergy Studios)
  • Pitfall! by Activision (via kottke.com)
    •  
Cocktail of the Week: Margaritas 3 ways courtesy of The Edgy Veg

I recently discovered the existence of something called a Frito Pie and while googling "Vegan Frito Pie" found The Edgy Veg with a bunch of fun vegan cooking video.  Enjoy!

Email that crap out of us @ monicatara[at]gmail.com.  Or just comment here!  We love you and we want feedback and cocktail ideas!

Posted by Unknown at 9:10 AM 0 comments
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