Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Couples Therapy Season 2 Is Going To Be Off The HOOK

One of the standouts on the resplendent garbage barge that is VH1 Reality is Couples Therapy, which premiered this spring and chronicles the monumentally embarrassing attempts of Y-list celebrities (Note: Z-listers are viral video celebs) to save their relationships through rehab. The highlights of Season 1 were plentiful: Linda Hogan blew up at Charlie Hill for platonically communicating with a girl on Facebook; DMX violated policy and drank a cocktail (sorry, "pomegranate juice") in a staff member's face; Kasey Kahl wept like he was screen testing for an all-male remake of Steel Magnolias.  Did I mention that Jersey Shore castoff Angelina Pivarnick was a cast member, engaging in the perpetual ball-slam of her boyfriend Chris Nirschel (of The Next Food Network St-YAWN sorry, I can't even finish) because she is, like, totes famous and he is sooo completely not? If this show gets snubbed by the Emmys next year, I will be inconsolable.

The Season 1 finale aired in May; now our blogoverse is in a tizzy over who has been (emphasis on "has-been") confirmed for Season 2.  Here are my favorite picks:

Alex McCord and Simon Van Kempen of The Real Housewives of New York City

Awweeeeessssooome. Hypersensitive Alex and her hatchet-faced drama whore of a spouse seemed to have a legit, albeit creepy, bond during the four seasons they appeared on RH.  Since they were booted off Bravo, news has broken of the Grim Reaper pointing sternly at their marriage. The former (and upcoming - it's the circle of life) reality stars are now making a dash for "intense counseling" on VH1 in an attempt to turn things around. I'm pulling for Alex; she's obviously a pillar of strength for not dialing a divorce lawyer in a frenzy immediately after Simon appeared before her in this outfit:

Mary Shelley's Saturday Night Fever.

Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stodden

Ten years ago, I really respected Doug Hutchison as a character actor. Wetting his pants in The Green Mile, murdering the sh*t out of people on The X-Files. Those days are dead. Now he wears skullcaps and "Fonz Noir" jackets and sits around whining to Dr. Drew about the lameness of "our Western culture" for disapproving of his marriage to seventeen-year-old Stodden (he's fifty-two), which only exists because he and his surgically enhanced gutter clown of a wife figured he'd go to prison otherwise.

This is a soapbox-free zone - if a sixteen-year-old wants to run to Nevada (one of the thirty-nine states in which a person that young can legally marry) and exchange vows with a man who was middle-aged when she was emerging from the womb, fine. But I can't help but feel a sense of disingenuousness when I watch this Nightline segment.  Allow it to hold you off until Couples Therapy 2!  I'll follow up with the season premiere date (here is the rundown of the entire cast).

Highlights:    "Am I your toy?" at 0:29
                     Courtney being Courtney at 1:34
                     Interviewer getting sassy at 3:01:  "Sixteen'll get ya twenty!"
                     Lecherous piano photo shoot at 4:24
                     Courtney cracking up at her hate mail at 4:41
                      5:00 to 5:09: WHAT is Courtney doing?!  Get a priest!!


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